Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
inlaws and entertaining help
My husband comes from a large close knit extended family. We see aunt uncles cousins siblings etc almost weekly sometimes twice a week. I come from a small family of just me my parents and 2 sibs with most extended family in other states and saw them maybe once a year or longer. In any event they are used to big family dinners and potlucks and parties. I've never had to cook for anyone but myself and since we got married 6m ago I keep getting asked when I'm inviting ppl over,what I cook him, when I'm going to cook, and if I cook. I made the mistake of making a joke while my hub was on the phone that his sister overheard when she had a party some months ago that my hub could cook and he said he would bring cornflakes and milk ......
anyways I think she got pissed because I wouldn't contribute my hub wouldn't tell me what she said but he ended up taking her shopping and buying most of the food for her party. Anyways the bottom line is I'm not comfortable not only because I've never had too cook for 10 to 15 ppl and I'm not a bad cook but I'm not used to cooking for people. To top it off hubs had a house pre marriage and it needs a ton of wrk I'm not comfortable having ppl in a messy house with no furniture either.
so bottom line I've told my inlaws that I don't cook that often and I am not comfortable having company with the house as it is....yet 3 days ago I got a smart comment about not cooking...and 1 hour ago was tolld that a some distant cousin was having a gathering and that we have to bring something my hub said we would purchase a dessert but ... That never seems to be ok ppl keep trying to get me to cook...one relative out right asked me if I could cook .....i'm kinda getting fed up why don't they let this go and wait until I'm ready? Any suggestions on how to handle this?
Re: inlaws and entertaining help
I understand what you mean. While DH's family isn't huge and I never had to cook for anyone of them, I have had a few comments passed my way by my own parents about why I didn't cook for my husband (this was several years back). I understand how the comments are hurtful and annoying. Sidenote: We worked odd schedules and it made little sense for me to cook meals for us on a frequent basis.
I have a few ideas.
Instead of waiting for the comments or to be asked to bring a dish, why don't you volunteer early on before you are asked. Like, "I know you have the party coming up, I have a new ____ recipe I'd like to try, can I bring this dish to help out?" Or, "I know the party planning is in its early stages but I can bring a dessert or a salad."
Volunteer before anyone has a chance to make a comment.
Food is ahuge part of family gatherings - no matter the size of the family.
I also think you just need to learn a bit more about some easy party/potluck type of foods to bring along. Yes, this is a learning curve for you, but the family functions aren't going to disappear. There really isn't a "getting ready" part of brining a dish to a family event. It's just something you do to chip in to the event. It sounds like maybe they perceive that you aren't pulling your weight.
Your issue of not wanting to host at your house makes sense though. But perhaps to ease those tensions, you could have smaller gatherings like just your in-laws over for dinner one night and hopefully the tension with people wondering when you're going to host goes away.
I have found some decent recipes in the Cooking Light magazine either the hard copies or on their website.
Well, you don't *have to* cook and or host so simply don't, eventually they'll get it. Does your H reply in your defense when you're asked what, when, how soon or how often you cook? Besides, why the fixation? I dare ask.
This might make me the odd one out but in my circle it is considered bad form to demand that one's GUESTS cooked for any type of event they were INVITED to. Whether it be formal, informal, family or acquaintances. Granted, it's never ok to show up to a gathering empty handed but that's different. I guess potluck isn't something we do at all.
Personally, having to attend gatherings or being around family so often would make me insane and I'd try to cut back. That's just me though.
I grew up in a small town culture where potlucks were very common - and in fact most holidays with my family are potluck events. When I married DH and only the host cooked at family gatherings I thought it was weird :-) I kept asking what I should bring LOL.
While you don't have to cook, and it would be nice if your DH stepped up to the plate, I am guessing that the rest of the family resents you and your DH not contributing, and instead of coming out and saying it they are making jokes about it.
Here's what I would suggest:
1. Have a sit down with your DH and agree about what frequency of gatherings is sufficient; what types will you attend? Which are OK to skip? Which of you will be responsible for bringing the dish to pass? (It IS his family, and even if he doesn't cook there are plenty of salads that are crowd-pleasers that he could throw together).
2. Present a united front about the above. Develop a common response and repeat as necessary. If they tease you about not cooking say something like "DH and I cook plenty; thanks for asking." Try to change the subject. Hopefully they will get the hint. Also, you will need to both be on board with saying no to specific gatherings; resist the urge to give reasons; just say no thanks, you will not be able to attend.
3. Regarding the hosting at your place - I do think you need to be firm if you really don't want to do a housewarming party, but that said, I can see where the family would want to see your place. This is something you should discuss with your DH, get on the same page, and then develop a common response.
If I'm understanding this properly, you've been married 6 months and his extended family gets together at least once a week, sometimes twice, with food involved. So that's 24-48 occasions in the past 6 months where they've provided everything? Correct me if I'm wrong.
I'm not saying there is anything wrong with the fact you haven't contributed. I suspect from the things you've heard that they look at you as a "slacker wife" who doesn't properly feed her husband, and you both show up with nothing to contribute when the family is getting together. In some cultures/ethnic groups food is a way of showing love, or sharing the burden for all the attendees. I'm NOT saying it's right or wrong, but his family finds you lacking in this matter. They apparently define "wife" with "food preparer and sharer".
You married him and you get to decide if you want to fit into their picture of "a wife & family member" or not. Your husband's input is crucial here. What does HE expect of you? It sounds like you have resolved the issue of dinner in your own home between the two of you, you simply have to decide how to approach the family meal issue.
Cooking or preparing a dish for a large amount of people takes practice. You may not have cooked that way before, but it sounds as though you will have to decide what you can do. There are TONS of recipes online, and magazines you can get that have easy recipes for a large group. I've cooked for over 30 years, started with just myself, then for kids, now for my husband & an adult daughter. I've thrown parties for 50 people and done all the food prep, but I would have felt overwhelmed early on in your situation as a new bride. Take baby steps, find easy things to make (salads mentioned above are a good start).
As for having people over, it sounds as though their perception is that you are not carrying your load of entertaining in line with the rest of the family's routine expectation. I think your explanation that the house is a mess and not worthy of being seen is valid. Do you have the capacity to grill outside during the summer, or entertain outdoors? If you don't have enough chairs or tables, ask people to bring some, or drop hints that it would be a good gift for birthdays or holidays.
It's not fair that they are passing judgment on you after only 6 months. Everyone is not Martha Stewart, able to craft a perfect dinner for a large group. It takes time and practice. Involve your husband in the discussion so you are both united in how you comfortably state your situation and respond to their expectations.
For what it's worth, I have a similar situation with my in-laws. My mother-in-law lives alone in a large colonial about 40 miles away. My husband has 2 brothers who live out of town and drive to visit her, and stay with her several times a year for long weekends and holidays. In the 5 1/2 years I've known my husband I think they've all been to my house maybe 3-4 times. It's not because I can't cook for them, or entertain a lot of people, but because the issue is three of us driving 40 miles, or twelve of them driving 40 miles. I take dishes for holidays......I brought the ham for Easter, make desserts, etc. His sisters-in-law are great cooks and they are sleeping there, so it's simply easier for them to do the things that take time. But I don't think they think I'm lacking in any way.
Good luck.
Look, if you are attending these events and eating you need to bring something. That is clearly the way his family operates b/c they get together so often. If it is too much don't go to every single event, pick 1-2 a month. It is perfectly fine not to go every single time. However, it really isn't that hard to bring veggies and dip or something low key. I honestly think you are being ridiculous.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
I actually have to wonder if getting together with family 1-2 times per week is a bit excessive? If I was expected to go to my IL's 1-2 times a week, I'd go absolutely insane. As it is, I feel like I see them entirely too much.
That said, OP, you are not obligated to host at your home, however, if you do go to these gatherings somewhere else, you should bring something. Even if it's just a dessert, and you know what - you don't have to make it yourself either....you can buy something pre-made. If they are going to be snarky about it, that's their problem. But you should still not show up empty handed.
One question though, OP - are you even ok with seeing his family this much?
I think you are being rude, if you are showing up and eating then you need to bring something. This is just bizarre to me, I would feel like an a$$ showing up empty handed to these events.
I also think you are over thinking this. You can make a dish like Heavenly Hash or Arkansas Green Beans and if it runs out, it runs out. At a potluck not everyone gets to try every dish, it's no biggie.
I think what's putting me off of you is that you seem to not grasp why your H bought all the food for your SILs party. You need to understand that he did that because they are getting tired of you guys freeloading and not contributing here. Also, it's great that your H is buying a dessert to bring why are you upset about that? Honestly, you should like you want to put in zero effort with these people. Heck, you could get bring a bottle or two of wine and contribute that way, it's not hard to do any of this.
You've got to find the middle ground here.
Obviously you are not obligated to host a huge gathering or become an expert cook; it's for you and your husband to work out who cooks in your house, and as long as you are both happy with the set up, that's all that matters. If his family thinks that you should be cooking more, that's their problem. If they make comments, simply say, "cooking just isn't my thing." And change the subject. And if they ask when you are going to host something, say, "we're not ready to have ppl over yet. Too much work to do on the house." My guess is that once the novelty of your new marriage wears off, they'll lose interest and stop asking.
however, if you choose to attend a family function, you need to bring something. That much should be a no-brainer. If you can't think of something to cook, go with premade. If his family gives you a hard time about it, ignore them. It's possible that his family is giving you a hard time not so much because you don't cook much, but more because you don't seem to be putting any effort in to family gatherings at all. If that were the case, I'd be annoyed too.
look, if the issue is that you don't feel comfortable making food for ten people, I suggest you step out of your comfort zone and give it a try. There are plenty of easy dishes you could make in bulk: salads, dips, crock pot chili, etc.. I dont't think a woman is obligated to become a great cook just because she's married, but I think any person would benefit from becoming a little more comfortable in the kitchen. Relax and have fun with it! Maybe you and your husband could make something together. No need to let him off the hook...
Thanks guys, but let me clarify, I do NOT go to family functions and come empty handed what has happened since we got married is I'm questioned about what I'm going to COOK I'm not given the oppuortunity to say I will buy and bring but I have usually ended up each time with hub buying and then we are told they don't need what we bring...for thanksgiving last year I dodged the what can you cook and told his mom I would bring dessert, just to get there and his sister had bought 5 to 6 pies. My stuff ended up going back with up just like our salad did at the last gathering
With his sisters party she got pissed I'm guessing because I didn't want to cook something, and hub and I made a joke about it. But that was his fault why does his sister get to dictate what we bring? In hindsight he should have discussed with me and agreed on how to contribute not give in to her temper tantrum! There has never been me just showing up just eating with Hub. Some of this is hubs fault when we got married he made a big deal out of not wanting me to cook,he would flat out refuse when I tried to cook, he was trying to be nice, but I finally told him I wouldn't get any practice if I didn't cook so I have been trying dishes more recently. But recently he did speak up and tell one of his relatives that I do cook. But that hasn't stopped the comments.
As far as Having ppl over, his family have all seen his home, so there's nothing new to see he had it way before marrying me and it is a mess were talking stained carpet, leaky ceilings, falling plaster, missing tiles etc so I'm not budging on that we both have agreed to needs fixing up. I am just not comfy that his family is so pressed about me being martha stewart who cares if I cook or not? Honestly noone really bugged me until his sister got her attituide I think she may have started this just fir drama. And yes we spend way too much time with his family and I have started recently setting limits or just nit going and then THAT becomes an issue! I'm just trying to handle this the best I can I think my bouandries are reasonable.
Hubs grew up like this he doesn't see it as weird at all but he struggled the first time we decided not to attend something his sis called and gave him 20 questions and just wouldn't accept that we had other plans...its normal for him to go to every family function and his attendance is almost expected... So of course what has happened is sometimes I just don't go and the last time they made him so uncomfy he called and tried to get me to come anyway !! I stood my ground but this is just getting ridiculous! We can't say no , we can't just not go, if we don't show up we get multiple phone calls and if I don't bring a hot dish to every gathering I'm a slacker? What gives?
oh and the icing on the cake my husbands position is..he doesn't care if ppl come over or if I cook....but he's not the one being harassed is he?
That doesn't sound sane to me all. You two are THE family now and being pestered for having other plans seems out of line. If I were you I'd start to gradually cut back on the gatherings, they're going to have to accept that you two are developing your own family dynamic, which simply doesn't include seeing relatives twice a week for all eternity.
I 100% agree with this but I will sit hub down and also get on the same page with our responses because I honestly think that if we keep pulling back the assumption will be that I'm the problem they just seem a lot more controlling than I first assumed......sigh
not cultural its just what they do....and it is too much have mentioned to hubs but not sure how this will go over in the long run
great steps will sit hub down def need to be on the same page
Oh absolutely, I meant you BOTH should cut back, meaning you need to agree on this. If your H continued to go without you it wouldn't really give the message that you two have your own dynamic going on now
Good Point....this is going to be harder than I thought if I don't want to go he just goes without me that's been happening for months now...I guess I have bigger problems than just pushy inlaws...
I agree we need common ground he doesn't have good bouandries with his family that's how this whole cooking thing got going the more I think about it....they are far too involved with each other but I'm noticing now that since I'm from a diffrent family structure that this much contact won't work for me
Sounds like your in-laws are ultra-traditional about women's roles. They expect you to don an apron and feed your husband. Multiple eye rolls, this isn't the 1950s. There are many different family dynamics now, and the traditional role is not better than any other.
The other problem is that your H's family is too up in everyones behind (over-involved). Does your H have a life outside you and his family? Any friends? Set boundaries now, it will only get worse with time.
Maybe, to the bolded. But I don't think you have enough information to make this assertion. It could also be a nationality or ethnic thing. Or, a religious one. Or, just the fact that they are an American family who loves each other and eating. Also, maybe the men get together and grill...thus contributing to the meal. We just don't know.
But, I suppose it was a matter of time before this "women in traditional roles" point was laid down.
No I didn't know how his family was we met in college ,were friends for many years, and decided to date and I ended up moving away so we dated long distance prior to getting engaged. The most time I spent with his family were meeting for dinner when I was in town. And I guess during wedding planning I was so eager to meet people I just went to any and everything I was invited too but I honestly didn't expect it too be such a big deal if we didn't show up some where.
I did talk to my DH today and told him my concerns which his first response was that's just how his family is and he told people I cook so who cares if they think I can or not and told me to ignore it....I promptly and loudly told him its not my responsibility to manage his families behavior and if I'm uncomfy he should take it seriously. So I requested that from now on we are a united front we discuss what we are going to bring when invited places and he doesn't allow anyone to insist I cook I have a job and a life too and its not spent in the kitchen. Then I told him that if anyone ask about being invited over we say what we agreed upon which is the house is not ready yet. I also told him it was time for him to help get it together because he has been in no hurry which he promptly said but I don't care if we have company....Aurgh!
H has friends and hobbies and travels I don't think H really cares if we go to everything but its the pressure he gets when he says no that's bugging me now that we are setting limits....my family is in another state so we spend most time with his family.
But I do think he needs to perhaps "defend" you a tad too. When they get on YOUR case about not cooking, he needs to tell them to back off. He is just as capable of cooking. If they don't get on him, they need to not get on you too. HE needs to tell them this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10