Pittsburgh Nesties
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Working moms -- a ?
Ditto, I also don't think you meant it to be offensive, but it's definitely not the most sensitive thing to say given that many of us here chose daycare for our children. I would think working opposite schedules as your DH to avoid daycare would mean not being able to see each other or spend a lot of time together as a family - that's not a sacrifice that I would be willing to make, but I wouldn't put it down just to justify the choices we made for our family.
I've heard this comment a lot, and I think it's just one of those things that a lot of people say without realizing what they're saying or how it might be received. I totally get that daycare doesn't work for everyone, but the idea that someone else is raising my children is not only a MASSIVE misconception, but one that is hard not to get a little twitchy about. So if it's something you're going to say, just a friendly tip that you might want to consider your audience first!
I was just saying EJ wouldn't have been as well socialized, not in general but specific to how I am such a huge homebody and dislike the awkwardness of meeting new people.
I understand... that's a valid point. I do often hear people in general say that about the socialization they get through daycare though, and I guess I'm sensitive to it b/c obviously my kids aren't in daycare. Yet somehow my daughter turned out to be way more outgoing and at ease with people she doesn't know than I am!
I agree with you, Mandy. And I think at young ages, whether kids socialize well can vary from day to day no matter what school they have or haven't attended in the past.
I think Amanda's point was that she tends to be a hermit, so if she were a SAHM, EJ would have had minimal contact with other kids. :-p
yes, exactly. thanks Amy! it is nice that you just get me!
I am glad some others also made mention of this. I had typed up a resonse a few times but didn't want to stir the pot of sorts if maybe I was the only one who felt it hit a nerve. We have a great daycare but never are they raising my child. They help care for my child when we are at work. Now that she is old enough to be in pre-school, they are helping to educate my child. Not raise her.
I do agree with this, but I don't think this is a relative comparison to the comment being discussed. That comment was a direct implication, this is more of a perceived implication. Stating that socialization and structure is a benefit of daycare, isn't saying that those kids at home don't receive the same. I understand why people might take it that way (and that some people may even mean it that way), but this is just stating a benefit of daycare, not putting down the benefits of what a child might receive at home.
It's sometimes hard to hear a benefit of one side, and not take it as a dig to the other side. In this case though: My kids benefit from the socialization of daycare =/= I send my kids to daycare so that they don't become introverted and socially challenged like those kids who don't go to daycare.
Just wanted to add my .02 that it definitely struck a nerve with me as well. I certainly don't look at it as someone else raising my children, I look at it like they have that many more people involved in their care (you know, it takes a village & all that jazz) However, what struck me as really odd was the comment about working just to pay for daycare & be covered for healthcare...
"I couldn't justify working 40+ hrs a week to pay someone else to raise my children and maybe pay the mortgage. Benefits or not, I would try to figure something else out."
um, have you ever looked into getting decent coverage if you're not covered by an employer?? We would be financially in the hole if I was not working and had to pay out of pocket for similar coverage to what we have now. So I'd be at home with the kids, but we would be draining ourselves to pay for coverage, so really...what's the difference??
Some people work to earn their salary, others (like myself) work because the benefits (health & retirement) pay off in the end. it's all technically part of your salary anyway, so I don't really see why picking on just the health care coverage portion of a job makes any sense. My take home salary each month covers daycare (not the mortgage!), health insurance, money toward retirement (with a very generous matching program from my employer), and a bit of extra to put toward savings each month. I don't think that's too bad of a deal when you look at the big picture. It might not be much that we're putting away out of my salary each month, but when you add it up over the year, it's something.
Jake - 1.15.08
Liam - 5.17.11
True, Meghan, that's a good point. I guess it's just something I hear a lot and it sort of makes me feel like in the process of elevating daycare we're inadvertently putting down the alternative. Like if I said I like having my kids home with me because they are with someone who really cares about their best interests, you as a daycare mom might feel like I'm assuming your daycare provider doesn't have your kids' best interests at heart (which I'm certain that wouldn't be true, but just drawing a comparison). Or maybe you wouldn't, but I wouldn't want to say that to you just in case you did take it the wrong way.
Leave it to the topic of SAHM vs WM to liven things up!
ETA: I just wanted to add that I would totally not like it if someone said my mom/MIL was raising my kids just b/c they watch them while I'm at work either! In fact, that would really upset me. Yes, they are learning things from them, but at the end of the day I'm still the one in charge (at least I try to be)!
It's such a sensitive topic, it can be really hard not to take comments personally! We do need to be aware of how we word things, or at least be aware that someone may perceive that you mean something you really don't. (On the WM/SAHM front, one comment that I don't like hearing: "I work because I would never want to put my education to waste." That may be true for someone, but there's certainly a better way to say it.)
This reminds me of the posts back in the olden days of The Nest! Who was the Nestie who caused a ruckus by saying all we gals had to do was re-work our budget and we'd find that we could financially afford to stay home? She had a siamese cat and was into vintage things.
Labattsmom?
No, not her. I don't remember her screen name, but I do feel partly responsible for her exit from the Nest.
Hmm... did Labattsmom also have a Siamese cat?
Jake - 1.15.08
Liam - 5.17.11
i think the biggest issue is that there is a lot of judgement on both sides. So everybody feels they have to defend their choice and often defending inevitably puts the other side down.
i said this in my other post but I am flabbergasted this is STILL an issue for women. We have a choice nowadays!! That is an amazing thing! We are all so different that it isn't surprising that what works for one person doesn't for another. I surely hope that when my dd is an adult she isn't still dealing with mommy wars.
that's it!!!!!
Was that the post that scared her off?
Jake - 1.15.08
Liam - 5.17.11
No clue how that popped in my head.
Was it that or something about the election and Rick Santorium??
I was going to stay out of this whole conversation because I really had nothing to contribute to the original post. But this conversation has gotten why off track of what is was meant to be.
I feel like I need to defend my kids and my decision to stay at home. Nether one of my kids are "socially challenged". They are smart, kind and play well with others.
I know several daycare kids that are pushy and aggressive but I'm not going to make a blanket statement and say that all daycare kids are like that. I know that's not the truth.
I'm glad we finally have a post that's getting everybody involved. It's too bad we can't do that without going on the attack.
Lala--I think you misread what Meghan posted:
"It's sometimes hard to hear a benefit of one side, and not take it as a dig to the other side. In this case though: My kids benefit from the socialization of daycare =/= I send my kids to daycare so that they don't become introverted and socially challenged like those kids who don't go to daycare."
She was saying that saying that kids can benefit from daycare does not equal saying that they'll be socially challenged.
You are right, I did misread it. Thank you for making me read it again. This mom against mom thing just irritates me. No wonder we all have guilt.
Yes, that is most definitely not what I was saying! I was just using the two statements as an example of how these topics are so sensitive and come with so much judgement, that you might say one thing, but someone else might perceive you as meaning something totally different.
And, yes, it was zachsdame! I think that was the post that caused her exit, but Rick Santorum sounds familiar too.
Wow this post got crazy long!
Seems to me you are making a decision right there. Like I said if I had the choice to try it I'd do it in a heartbeat just to see where life would take me. I'm not a change person at all (my recent decision was a huge step) but if I had a different path to take, I'm all about jumping on board and see where the ride goes. Whatever you do will be the right choice!
How time flies! Caileigh (9), Keira (6) & Eamon (3)
Alright - so to get back on topic here...
I think everyone has given the best advice about you needing to put a value on everything. I will say that Sheila hit the nail on the head when she talked about time becoming more scarce as the kids get into school. Kindergarten really threw me for a loop this year - the best balance I had of life the entire year was when I was on maternity leave - and getting 100% pay for those 12 weeks. It was the best of both worlds! I also found that the best Gavin was, behavior wise, was when I was home. I attribute it to the fact that I was more relaxed when I was home and he absolutely picked up on that and he was then more relaxed. Life wasn't a constant rush!
Since I work for the mortgage payment, benefits and retirement (after paying daycare as well), what would be ideal for me is to work part-time. Even to have just one day off a week (to do school things, to run errands, etc.) would be perfect. Right now I feel like I'm stuck in a rat race.
When I returned from leave, I asked to work four 10's in order to have one day off a week. My boss preferred to let me work remote 3 days a week. I'm not going to complain whatsoever about that setup, and it has helped in work/life balance, but it would still be nice to have one full day off!
If working is important for you (and DH) personally, financially and emotionally, then maybe finding another job that will cut out the commuting and traveling would be in your best interest. If you don't feel the personal need to work, then as long as you DH understand expectations of each other, quit.
If my DH was making 8x (or even 3x) the amount I'm making right now, I would absolutely look for a p/t job or up my freelance work so that I could have some fun money but also have my professional satisfaction as well.
Good luck in your decision!
My three sons!