Married Life
cloudymeatballs
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I have problems, I can't get over my husbands ex
in Married Life
I don't know why, but I cannot get my husband's ex out of my mind. He works with her for one. Our house, he once lived here with her and it drives me crazy. I know you all are just gonna tell me to get over it but its so difficult for some reason. He loves me and I know that. I know she was just a thing, and I am the love of his life. I swear I have gone thru this house and gotten rid of all of her stuff, I think, then something pops up. It makes me so upset. Her mail will still come here sometimes, and it seems that it happens when I haven't thought of it in a long time, then here it goes again. I try to put these thoughts behind me but I just can't. Sometimes, I will think, OMG she slept in OUR room, the dog we have she got it with him when they were together. I know we all have our pasts bla bla bla, I got that. I think if he didn't work with her I wouldn't have such a problem, but I do. I just feel that his past is always going to be there. What can I do to stop these bad thoughts?? I have talked with him about this and my feelings, but he seems to just get upset about it. I can't help my feelings, but I can try ot control them. It literally drives me NUTS!!!
Re: I have problems, I can't get over my husbands ex
LOL, best response ever!!
Thank you! It's his house, he bought it years before he and her dated. Selling, right now isn't gonna happen, he bought it when prices were high. We'd lose money, lots of money if we were to sell now. We don't want to stay in this house forever, we already have talked about moving when we are able to.
Sometimes I don't even care they lived together, but like you said, its difficult when things are in my face often. Hmmm
I think I just cackled.
Could you be anymore crude or cruel!? So she made a descion she is now regretting can you say that you have never done that? I think not.
I happen to believe that her H is being somewhat unreasonable and a jerk not even considering doing anything else. I don't think its abnormal for her to want something they can call their's. And for him to push it off like its not a big deal is selfish
I am not regretting marrying my H. I love him with all of my heart and he loves me, I know that! He has said he'll get a new job and if I want we can rent this house out and move into an apartment. He has a great job, he does very well and has tons of room for growth. I don't want him to have to change everything for me just because I can't get over some things, which I obviously can't. We have decided that we will look and when a great job comes along he will take it. I have just always dreamed of getting married and having US get a house of OUR own. I am thankful that we have a home, but I honestly just sometimes feel that it is not mine. I hate it that I have this on my mind, I know he doesn't have any feelings for this girl, it just drives me nuts...
She didn't make A decision - she made a whole series of decisions that resulted in her existing in a jealous froth. She decided to keep dating the guy when she found out that he worked with the ex, to keep dating the guy when she found out that they'd lived together in the house he has now, to say yes to marrying him under the existing conditions, to move into that house... it's not one decision that you might regret later. It's a whole series of decisions over time where the jealousy MUST have shown up at some point before today, and still decisions to keep it up kept being made.
This is why it is never a good idea for you to move into his place or vice versa.
You are starting out together. You need an "our place" and a more or less middle ground where you have equal footing.
If it makes you feel any better and will alleviate the problem?
Suggest that you and he find a whole new place to live. One that you pick out together.
And all of her stuff needs to go, unless they are his bona fide souveniers (and I see absolutely nothing wrong with a souvenier or 2 that he might keep; I'm sure you have some, also)
Suggest the new place. See what he thinks.
Yes I did make these decisions. When I first found out they worked together, I was upset about it, but didn't think much of it, since I knew he wasn't into her, and I was the one he wanted. I am not worried he is going to cheat on me or anything but this all just gets to me. I have talked with him and close friends about this and they just say its something I am going to have to deal with. I get that, I just have the kind of mind that won't stop. She helped him with rent and that's how she ended up living in this house, they were friends before so she moved in and stayed in the other room, then they I guess just started hooking up. I knew all of this when I decided to say yes when he asked. I love the guy! He loves me and I know this. That is my problem, that I can't get over this stupid stuff when I know it really shouldn't matter. I guess I was here to kind of vent, and hear how other people may feel if they were in the same situation. no one made me do anything, I made these choices and even though yes they bother me a lot at times, I know he is the one I love and want to spend my life with. It just really gets to me sometimes and I cant get it off of my mind
Yes I did make these decisions. When I first found out they worked together, I was upset about it, but didn't think much of it, since I knew he wasn't into her, and I was the one he wanted. I am not worried he is going to cheat on me or anything but this all just gets to me. I have talked with him and close friends about this and they just say its something I am going to have to deal with. I get that, I just have the kind of mind that won't stop. She helped him with rent and that's how she ended up living in this house, they were friends before so she moved in and stayed in the other room, then they I guess just started hooking up. I knew all of this when I decided to say yes when he asked. I love the guy! He loves me and I know this. That is my problem, that I can't get over this stupid stuff when I know it really shouldn't matter. I guess I was here to kind of vent, and hear how other people may feel if they were in the same situation. no one made me do anything, I made these choices and even though yes they bother me a lot at times, I know he is the one I love and want to spend my life with. It just really gets to me sometimes and I cant get it off of my mind
We would be glad to move, IF we could. He bought this house and its lost so much value, we just don't have the money to buy a new home. Trust me, if we could, we would have a long time ago.
I did get rid of ALL of her stuff, I have gone thru the house cleaning out stuff and its in the trash, a long long time ago. Even before we got married.
You're not the first woman to move into a house her H shared with an ex, or to have your H see an ex at work or socially. These aren't actually that unique, and I don't think they're really the issue.
You sound like you're having what I call 'brain crazy'. Sometimes the normally rational and calm Anssett gets brain crazy and starts thinking irrational things (like my H doesn't love me). Everyone gets anxiety to some degree. Some get it much worse than others. For some people little triggers can accumulate in HUGE amounts of anxiety over something that is trivial in reality (but HORRIBLE in brain crazy land).
You sound like you're getting triggered a lot and you're having big emotional reactions to it. It doesn't sound responsible to move or have him change jobs, so the degree of triggering probably won't change anytime soon. That means you get to find new tools to deal with the reactions. Therapy can help a lot, but you need to find someone who will teach you skills, not just talk. Talking is important. Action is required for growth.
Until you can get some time with a therapist do some online searching for anxiety response tools. Tools to help you center your thinking, calm your breathing (like square breathing), and focus on reality instead of the brain crazy world that's trying to eat you. Medication can help a TON if your anxiety seems to take over sometimes. Things like ativan and clonapin are fast acting benzodiazapines. Most people don't feel 'medicated' or 'high' on them, they just help you stay calm, present, and in reality. Talk to your doc and see if they think it might be a good fit for you.
Seriously, this is one of the most ridiculous things I've read in a while. Why do you even care? Are you insecure in the relationship?
But now you have me wondering if my XH's girlfriend is freaking out all the time: "OMG, I live in her flat!" "OMG, a catalog just came in the mail addressed to her!" "OMG, we're watching the TV he bought with her!" "OMG, he first saw this film in the theater with her!"
Clearly she should insist that he buy a new TV, a new entertainment system, new furniture, new dishes, a new vacuum cleaner, etc. because all of that stuff was once mine! Quelle horreur!
What about redecorating the entire home?
New paint jobs, different furniture (he can sell what he has and the 2 of you buy everything new for the home) different wall paper, etc.
Or rent out the home you are in and then movie elsewhere.
If neither idea is any good, I don't know what else to advise you. She's evidently long gone and I doubt very much if that much of her shadow is still around.
Yes seriously this is what my problem is. I know I have nothing to worry about, yet I still do. SOmetimes I could care less and it doesn't even faze me. I didn't used to have any anxiety or anything. I am usually a pretty chill person. I usually am a very positive person. But for some reason, I just think about this darn thing and cant shake it. I don't want to take any more medications, since I already am on lamictal. I do smoke sometimes when I feel extra pumped up about things, and that helps me. Not cigarettes, and it helps mellow me out. I have done a little research and I am able to calm my feelings sometimes. But sometimes they just take over.
Thank you for taking the time for responding and not calling me an insecure fool.
And thanks a bunch for the comment! I am actually very secure in my relationship. We are awesome together and he treats me amazing. I found a wonderful man to spend my life with thank you very much. Sorry, I am just not a fan of having my husband's ex still in the picture, even if its just work or what have you... I'm just not. Actually everything in this house are now things he and I have purchased together. Except our pets. You are divorced???
Thanks. We have repainted, we have all new things together now. New couch bed etc. It just irks me sometimes
I feel like we might be missing a few key pieces of information.
For example: How long have you been together? How long have you been married? How long after they broke up did you begin dating?
If this really is an issue for you, I strongly suggest trying therapy. It is not normal to have that level of attachment to inanimate objects. Especially if you're happily married!
If she was dropping by all the time, I can understand that bothering you. But a compulsion to redecorate the entire place just because she was involved in the original decisions? That seems over the top.
Have you ever rented or bought (vs built) a home? Did you have the same kind of issues with the fact that someone lived in the space before you? Your H is no longer with this woman and chose to be with you, and you say that you trust him and have a great relationship. If that's the case, the fact that his ex lived in that space is no different from anyone else having lived there.
And yes, I'm divorced. I'm good friends with my XH, and until a few months ago, we worked in the same office. He bought out my half of our flat and lives there with his new girlfriend. I actually live in the building right across the street. This is not uncommon, nor is it cause for concern for his girlfriend or my SO. My SO is also divorced, and I admit I hate the sofa that his XW picked out. Not because I associate it with her, but because it's so god-awful uncomfortable. I regularly stay in "her" apartment, and sleep in "her" bed using "her" sheets. I never really think about the fact that she co-owned them, because it's not like she drops by to borrow the stuff, claiming her half of the original ownership. I always consider things to be "his" or "ours."
If you really are feeling like that, it isn't normal or healthy, and I think you should try to understand where the root of the problem is.
Been together a few years, married almost a year. They broke up like a year or so before we started dating. He still works with her, and that's honestly why I think I still have the woman in my mind. She is still there. I know he has no feelings for her, but she is still there. It just bothers me. Sucks but it does. I guess I just feel like if I still had connections with my ex he wouldn't be too cool with it either. He has actually told me he gets it. He said too he wouldn't like it if I had to see my ex every day. I am not worried exactly, it just bothers me. Something I told myself I would deal with since I love this man.
There are aspects of my husband's past that used to really frustrate me and we would argue about them occasionally.
What helped me get over it is this: He can do absolutely nothing to change his past. What's done is done. What matters from here on out are the choices he makes today and in the future.
You can spend a lot of time getting worked up, jealous, upset, whatever emotion over his ex, or you can realize that no amount of emotion is ever going to change the past. No amount of talking to him about this is going to change the past, so I can see why he gets a little upset when you bring it up.
With my husband's past, I used to bring it up and he was patient at first, but then as I brought it up more and more he would just get frustrated and upset. Why? Because there's nothing he can do or say to change what he did. Once I realized that, I realized how unfair I was being to him to hold this against him. It's over.
There are still times when I'll think of his past and it will irritate me for a moment, so I'm not perfect--but I have learned I need to nip those feelings in the bud immediately and not let them fester. They only cause problems. What matters now is the present and future, not the past.
I think I would be not so crazy if he didn't see her everyday. I know there is nothing I can do other than deal with it and pray. Prayer does help me sometimes. But then again, the crazy takes over. Lol. The work situation is the one that gets to me since I do know work and you become so close with the people you work with. That is what gets me. He does say they no longer talk and such, and I do trust him. But I just find it hard to believe that they don't ever talk at work. There are only so many people who work there, so I'm sure they do at some time. I guess it hurts knowing that she still has that connection with him. He works so many hours and he is at the office for a long time. Its just hard knowing that they have another thing together that he and I don't.
I'm so glad that there are other people here who would be bothered by it as well. Most people seriously just tell me to get over it. I am getting over it, I just need to *** about it sometimes... You are right about the negative feelings. It has caused some problem with us, since I get so worked up. I have really tried working on myself and how to handle things. I just hope that I can get to where this will no longer bother me the way it does.
I get it, its his past and he cannot change that. I got that. I have my past as well. The thing is, she isn't exactly in the past. She is still there. She works with him. He sees her everyday. I already knew this going in, but it still bothers me. There is nothing I can do about it except deal with it and trust him. Its just hard. If the past was in the past I would be fine ... His past is in my face and it pisses me off sometimes. It would drive him crazy if I saw my ex everyday....
I get that he sees her at work everyday, but she is still in the past. Do they talk or hang out at work? Does he talk about her when he gets home? Do they eat lunch together and reminisce about old times? If not, then yes it IS in the past. They work together and you've already said in a prior post that it wouldn't be smart for him to quit his job right now.
Honestly, I understand why he gets upset (and this is coming from a person who used to get mad at her husband for a VERY similar circumstance) when you bring it up. Imagine if you were in his shoes--you're underwater in your mortgage so moving isn't an option (unless you're willing to risk financial ruin), the economy is bad so it's not as easy as just getting another job (and if he likes his job, he shouldn't have to), you've done everything you can to get rid of any belongings or reminders, although you can't control the postal service and you can't just get rid of a pet. But yet your significant other is still getting emotional, jealous, and angry at you and you don't know what else you can possibly do about it.
Seriously, what DO you want him to do? What do you think will make it better? I'm not faulting you for having these feelings, they are pretty normal I think and like I said, I have gone through this. But you are letting these feelings take over. Think about it rationally for a minute--what can he honestly do about this situation that he hasn't already done?
If you can't accept it, then you two will need to move and he will have to find another job. Maybe that would be worth it for you both. If you really don't think you could ever get over it, then it might be the only thing you can do in order to keep your relationship from suffering. However, I really want to encourage you to accept that this woman is in his past. It doesn't matter that he sees her at work, she is still in the past. Now--if they are talking and hanging out and they still carry on a relationship of some sort (friendship is what I'm talking about here), then I can understand why this is harder to let go. But if they are just simply work acquaintances, then you need to accept her as being part of the past.
I mean this in the sincerest way possible, but you need to get your sh*t together. You go on and on and on about how much you love him, how you are meant to be, but you know what. That is all words. Your actions prove otherwise. Have you ever stopped to think about how you are making him feel ? Here is his trying his best to work hard, prove himself, be an asset to his company, get a sense of accomplishment, provide for himself and his family; and you can't get over that fact that he might walk past her on his way to the bathroom. Why in the world are you choosing to focus on that ? Yeah I understand it is weird and awkward, but why in the world would you make him going to work everyday so downright miserable. On top of that, he can't even come home and relax without you talking about how she took a dump in the toilet or some other nonsense.
Do you not understand that there isn't much he can do about it. My god, is isn't like he has a box of her old valentines day cards, it is his job and his home. The job market is crappy now so going out and getting another job isn't always an option. The housing market is pretty crappy too, so again, I don't know what else you expect him to do outside of taking a big loss and draining his savings or ruining his credit.
Stop focusing on her and start focusing on him. What can you do to make your marriage stronger, what can you do to make your home more comfortable, what can you do to make him a success where he works ? If you love him as much as you profess, then start backing it up with real action and for heaven's sake stop obsessing about his ex, because if you don't, then you might join her club one day.