August 2006 Weddings
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
If you kept your maiden name....
Have you thought about whose last name your kids will have? Will they have hyphenated names? I can already foresee that this is going to be an issue for us in the future. I've noticed most kids take the father's name, and I don't see any good reason why this is the case.
Mr. gtown wants to hypenate, but my last name is already long and complicated. I don't want to make it even more long and complicated than it already is. Our poor kids would hate us for it. But both of us feel very strongly that we want to have the same last names as our kids (whatever that last name happens to be).
Would it be totally wacky if we give one kid my last name, and the other kid his last name? Siblings with different names are fairly common these days, with divorces and remarriages, right? This solution is actually the closest we've come to compromise on the issue. Is this crazy talk?
Mr. gtown wants to hypenate, but my last name is already long and complicated. I don't want to make it even more long and complicated than it already is. Our poor kids would hate us for it. But both of us feel very strongly that we want to have the same last names as our kids (whatever that last name happens to be).
Would it be totally wacky if we give one kid my last name, and the other kid his last name? Siblings with different names are fairly common these days, with divorces and remarriages, right? This solution is actually the closest we've come to compromise on the issue. Is this crazy talk?
Re: If you kept your maiden name....
Honestly, the main reason I changed my name is that I wasn't happy with any of the solutions for last names for kids.
So, I'm of no help, though I do feel your pain. But, I don't think it's that strange to have kids with different last names, nor do I think your last name is so complicated that it won't work hypenated. I can't remember your husband's last name though.
Nope, I don't think that's crazy. I'd like to give girls my name and boys his name, but I think that might totally freak him out. I can only imagine the hell I'd catch from MY family, who still thinks I'm weird for not changing.
I refuse to hyphenate them. I would rather them just have his name than to hyphenate. I really really want the kids to have my name, but I probably don't have the energy to fight over it. We've also discussed giving them 2 middle names, with the second one being my last name. I'd also be open to giving a boy my last name (it sounds kind of first-namey and can be shortened to a common boy nickname).
A pet peeve of mine: it's not my maiden name, it's just my name.
Yes! This is exactly what I've proposed! The caveat would be that the second kid automatically gets the other-parent's last name (since we'd probably stop at 2 kids). I think mr. gtown could be on board with this. His family would think we're certifiably insane, but so what.
It would also make me want a girl even more than I already do... lol.
We have no good solution here either. I have a couple friends who have given their kid the woman's name as a second middle name, but you know that will get dropped down the line. No form has room for two middle initials, it screws up monograms, etc. I have another friend who gave the kids his last name, but now she's sad and wants to hypenate hers or the kids so they are more of a "unit" :-P She's pretty lib, too, so this surprised me -- that she'd care about the appearance of a "unit" was out of character for her. One other friend did girls her name, boys his name. I don't know how happy they are with that, though.
If you figure anything out, lemme know ;-)
Our names are both four letters (mine two syllables, his one), so we could get away with hyphenating pretty easily -- I just hate to do that to the kids. We did hypenate our dog's name, though, and she's very happy with the arrangement!
FWIW, I'm thinking that I will push hard for French or Irish first names, since that's my family's background, since the kids will be getting his Italian last name. So at least there's a little bit of "me" in the kids names.
So, that might be another way to compromise. Not perfect, but it's something.
Our other idea was to create a brand-new last name that was some sort of amalgam of our current last names. Like... Mr. Big and Ms. Bradshaw become Mr. and Mrs. Bigshaw. Or something like that. But it doesn't work with our names. They're too different. We'd be better off hyphenating.
Have you considered the issue of how people treat parents, especially dads, who have a different last name?
A friend of my parents gave their kid the mother's maiden name (even though she took his when they were married). ?The mother died when the kid was young, so this single dad was always the one to go to school events and pick up the kid and everything else. ?He was often harrassed for not having the same last name. ?People aren't going to trust that a person is a parent with a different last name, especially a man. ?It seems they'll trust women more. ?Hopefully this is relaxing as blended families become more common, but I think it would still be something to be concerned about. ?Can you imagine traveling internationally with a parent and child of different last names if the matcing parent was not there? ?You'd have to always have the kid's birth certificate with you.
That said, I think you have every right not to give a kid the father's name. ?I would worry about exacerbating sibling rivalry, though, if the kids had different names.?
I kept my last name and our daughter has my last name. I honestly don't see what difference it makes. My husband and I are her parents regardless of whose name she has and what name we each have. The way we made our decision was DH thought she should have my last name because he thought it sounded better and he doesn't like his (he has a very common last name here in Germany). For me, we could have gone either way. Lots of women here keep their names and often the children take the mom's name so it's not really seen as being weird here.
ESF, I like that idea. Many of the names I love are Irish, which is where my mom's family is from. It's a nice contrast to his East European surname that got chopped when they went through Ellis Island, and it represents us both. But it's still not the same...
gtown -- does Raven have a middle name? Just curious whether she's as fancy as Baci
I need to ask my friend who has a hyphenated name from her parents how she liked it growing up. I've asked a few ladies in their 40s who hyphenated 20 years ago. Every one of them has said they hate it and it was a huge pain and they should have just changed or kept their name. I found that interesting...
Raven does have a middle name! She's our child-in-training.
We did the combined name thing for Copernicus and Einstein. But when you combine our names, it sounds like something out of a Snoop Dogg song. Seriously, their "last name," if you will, is Bennizzle. No way would I torture a child with that.
That is awesome.
I didn't change my name, and it's saving me so much trouble now. Heh heh.
But, the ex and I were going to do something like this when we had kids -- either pick a new name or combine the two, which would've sounded okay.
Our cats don't officially have last names at the vet. C's middle name is Soggy Paws because of his tendency to play in the bathtub after I shower and then leave wet paw prints everywhere. E's is Meowy McCriesalot because, well, he cries a lot. If he wants attention, or is hungry, or hasn't been let into the bathroom while I'm in there, he cries. A lot.
I get this point, but blended families are so common now that it's not like my kid would be the only one who didn't share a name with his or her mother. My mom and I haven't had the same last name since I was 9. My stepsiblings have had different last names than their parents for years. In fact, I'm more accustomed to having a different name from my parents than the same one.
Hyphenating is definitely a no-go for us; the name would have 15 letters total and 4 sets of double letters. Yikes!
exactly - why do people try and show a hyphen between my two last names or make the first part of my last name my middle name? P!ssees me off to no end.
We've not discussed, if we do have children, we'll talk about it then I guess.
my read shelf:
They'll add your last name on to the end of your pet's name. Even if the pet's name is Mr. Smelly, and your last name is Smith - they'll still refer to him as "Mr. Smelly Smith". Its funny cause when you get to know the animals there you know them by "different" names than IRL. I knew a dog named "Maggie Fitzgerald" and it would be weird for me to just call her "Maggie".
Anywho - I'm not a fan of hyphenating kids lastnames - only because - what are they supposed to do when they get married? Its just an awkward position for the kid to be in, imo.
I guess if you are gonna have 1 family member with a different last name, (i.e. all the kids take one parent's name) thats the same as 2 people having one name and 2 having the other. But why would you wanna look like a blended family when you aren't? I guess this is why i'm such a fan of changing the lastname and then making your (and your kids) middle names your maiden name.
Thankgod I don't really like my maiden name!
That just makes it harder! It's like, "here's a list of parent emails, and here's the address & phone list for the kids, put the parents in my address book". If there's only one or two with non-matching last names, I can figure those out by process of elimination, but if they all have non-matching last names, what a headache! And not only that, but it's easier to "prove" you're the kid's parent if you share a name, particularly a unique name. Plus you'll have all those awkward encounters of your kids' friends calling you Mrs.Hislast or YH Mr.Herlast, etc. I know it happens in blended families, but that's a hazzard of the situation. Why chose that?
Furthermore, I don't think long last names are a big deal, even 15-letter long names. You hardly ever say a last name (unless you're me and your last name is shorter to say than your last initial - W - and have a very common first name...). A girl I went to highschool with had a long hyphenated last name, and if shortened we'd call her Firstname E-G. Most of the time, we'd never use last names.
I don't have any suggestions. But I did keep my ex-H's name when I recently remarried because it made it simpler with my DS. I know with all the blended families this really isn't an issue anymore.
However I do have a story where it did come in handy. DS was traveling alone and when I went to the airport he still had a couple of hours before his flight. I asked if I could go past security check with him and see him off even though we are talking a 17 year old kid! They asked for my picture ID as proof that I was his mom. Now what would have happened if my driver's license had been different, I don't know. So just be prepared if there are different names involved.
As far as school lists all you have to do is this:
1.
Student: Jenny X
Father Frank y Mother katy x
Work phones, emails, etc
2. Student: Joey z
Father Sam Z Mother Lara M
etc.....
That's how we did it at our school and it worked fine.
As for people assuming things, I personally don't care. If someone calls me Mrs. husbandslastname, so what? I know they are just assuming, if it matters then I correct it, if not, I let it go. I know what they mean.
And what does it matter if people think you are a blended family? If they are people that matter and you want them to know you are biological, you tell them. Otherwise not.
That's cool if you don't care. It seems like there are complaints on here sometimes from people who didn't take their spouse's name when they're referred to by it, so it's something to keep in mind if that is something you care about.
I dont' know if this was directed at me or just a general statement, but the point I was making is that in a blended family, you often don't really have a choice with the names without being hurtful. (Example, MIL remarried when DH was very young and changed her name to match her husband and three youngest sons. While DH considers SFIL his dad, his bio dad isn't out of the picture and would have been really hurt if DH & BIL had changed their names.) So with blended families, you kind of have to, and that's fine. But if you have a choice, I think it makes the most sense to have both parents' names.
If you vehemently disagree, that's cool. But if you're on the fence and worried about hyphenating, I say go for it.
Throwing my 2 cents in too. DH and I got our ph.d.s before we got married, and since we had each published under our own names, neither of us changed it. It is so UNcommon in our field for people to change their names, that everyone's kid has has a different last name. Typically, kids take their dad's name, though I have seen coupled in which the parents have opted to name girls the mom's last name and boys the dad's last name. It's just so not a big deal in my opinion, or in our day-to-day dealings.
As for prooving that I am little Timmy's mommy by using my ID - hell, I can't even prove I'm Dr. D's wife. But it's not a big enough deal to go through the process of changing my name.
Our plan, assuming we ever have a kid (grr) will be to use my last name as a middle name.
I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.