Updated - Why is this a hard decision?

tigerfighter

DH and I got into a fight on Thursday night and Friday morning, and in a nutshell DH says if I throw the D word around one more time, there will be no going back and it will happen.  We had the D word discussion twice this year, and we have been married for a little over a year.  He said he would give me time to think about things and to try and save the marriage or divorce.  So Friday we each go to work, come home and he wants to talk and tells me how he is hurt that I have to think about whether to stay married to him.  I am miserable and feel we keep going in circles, and for some reason when ever we have these fights he is sweet to me afterwards, especially in front of people.  He also brought up how he doesn't feel desired because no BJs or sex that often, but yet he doesn't like initiating sex so it tends to fall on me, which doesn't help me feel desired.  He says how I am beautiful, smart, etc., his way of saying he desires me, but actions speak louder than words.  This, in a sense, has turned into a loveless marriage, where I would rather be at work then home, and he complains I have no time for him due to me working full time and taking 2 online courses.  He also complains about the guy friends I started talking to again and they fit the rule of not having been intimate with before, and yet he calls them my "boyfriends" and that I am going to have an emotional affair with them.  

I feel like this is my chance to get out and possibly be happy.  But I am torn whether to actually try and work things out or just sum it up to we got married to fast (engaged at 2 months, married a little past our 15 month anniversary.)

I think this ended up more as a vent than a question, but post anyways.

TarponMonoxide

tigerfighter said:

DH and I got into a fight on Thursday night and Friday morning, and in a nutshell DH says if I throw the D word around one more time, there will be no going back and it will happen.  We had the D word discussion twice this year, and we have been married for a little over a year.

Why is he so hell bent on throwing that word around?

What are the fights about? Backstory will help.

 He said he would give me time to think about things and to try and save the marriage or divorce.  So Friday we each go to work, come home and he wants to talk and tells me how he is hurt that I have to think about whether to stay married to him.

You are supposed to save the marriage, on your own -- is he pinning that rose on you?

It takes 2 to do that, not just one. And what is up with he will "Give you time"? This sounds like some type of threat and emotional blackmail; he has no right to do that to you.

 I am miserable and feel we keep going in circles, and for some reason when ever we have these fights he is sweet to me afterwards, especially in front of people.

Passive aggressive behavior. And childish. Counseling for himself is a great idea.

 He also brought up how he doesn't feel desired because no BJs or sex that often, but yet he doesn't like initiating sex so it tends to fall on me, which doesn't help me feel desired.

Has he brought up the topic of sex and what he would like, in a non-combative discussion, outside the bedroom?

If he never has, you will assume that he is happy with your sex life overall. Right? The same way you must be happy with your sex life because you never have aired a complaint or asked that x y or z be improved/initiated, etc???

Communication is key. You do it in a non argumentive way, outside the bedroom.

 He says how I am beautiful, smart, etc., his way of saying he desires me, but actions speak louder than words.

But he emotionally blackmails you. This is love??? This is desire???

 This, in a sense, has turned into a loveless marriage, where I would rather be at work then home, and he complains I have no time for him due to me working full time and taking 2 online courses. 

Again, he needs to discuss this with you like an adult.

Is it true you have no time for him?

He also complains about the guy friends I started talking to again and they fit the rule of not having been intimate with before, and yet he calls them my "boyfriends" and that I am going to have an emotional affair with them.  

You take it from here. Are these guys really people you are merely friendly with?

I feel like this is my chance to get out and possibly be happy.  But I am torn whether to actually try and work things out or just sum it up to we got married to fast (engaged at 2 months, married a little past our 15 month anniversary.)

I think this ended up more as a vent than a question, but post anyways.

Maybe you did indeed proceed too quickly --- and maybe there were problems like the ones you described before you were wed.

Problems do not usually crop up right after you get married.

And if your relationship ws problematic before you were wed and the problems were too numerous, you should have done the smart thing and moved on. You don't build a marriage on a rocky foundation; you need solid legs for it to survive.

Again:

Talk to him -- and do it outside the bedroom, on a weekend, when you and he have a good piece of time to talk about your problems.

Do you wish to try to work on the problems? if so, joint counseling -- that means he goes, too.

tigerfighter

We have discussed our sex life on numerous occasions outside the bedroom.  Before wedding, happened all the time and both initiated, now we barely have sex and I have to initiated and then he claims I paw him like a grizzly.  He wants Bs and says I haven't done it in a while, but I have told him I like getting them too and haven't had it in a over a year (sorry for tmi).  

I was the one who brought up the word in the past, I am from a divorced household so he blames me saying it on that, and his parents are still together so it is not normal or an option for him.

He claims he is the only one that has been truly working on saving the marriage.  I have been trying to, but this past summer I was the only one that worked and then he complained when we didn't do things together.  

He has OCD and constantly is moving things after I place them, which after all this time sometimes makes me feel like I can't do things right, and I am worried about the facets as he tends to over tighten them (to the point I have issues using them) and he expects me to empathize him but when I told him my issues (BPD, possible PTSD, and EDNOS) he claims that I am fine and don't have issues.  Though in our fight yesterday he said I was schizo and need help.  I have been in abusive relationships before but I have never had my self confidence take this much of hit.

I work 40 hours a week in the office and then rest of the time I am home.  He doesn't consider me being in the living room on the computer spending time with him, and it has to be 100% no other distractions time.  I have two classes that require lots of reading and discussion forums.  But I talk with him and watch the tv while I am working on school.

I have known my guy friends for years and consider them to be brothers.  According to him all guys want to sleep with their girl friends.

I first started noticing issues after the wedding when I got a new job and was working a ton and he complained constantly (again he did not work that summer either).  (His job is at a college so it is seasonal).  

Things at first were good and loving, we had separate schedules so I had nights at home alone and so did he.  But now we have the same schedule and we fight a ton.

At this point, I don't know.  I have had dreams of being single again.  And make plans of what I would do if it did happen.

artbyallie

So why did you marry him in the first place? He does not seem to have a single redeeming characteristic here.

tigerfighter

I was in love with him, he made me feel good.  I had years of horrible relationships and he treated me right at first.  

Though I must admit that I never really took time for myself between relationships and if I did it was only a few months.  I never stayed single long.  

Sillygirl45

It sounds like you jumped at the first person who wasn't a complete jerk and asked you to marry him. Next time, I would take my time and use the perspective you've gained. It sounds like you're not happy and not really interested in fixing this. This is probably about the time your relationship would have naturally fizzled out.

tigerfighter

I think if we weren't married, I would have ended things sooner.  But being married I think i needed to stay and work on things to avoid being divorced like my parents.  But I am miserable.

TarponMonoxide

tigerfighter said:

We have discussed our sex life on numerous occasions outside the bedroom.  Before wedding, happened all the time and both initiated, now we barely have sex and I have to initiated and then he claims I paw him like a grizzly. 

WOIW! what a tactful way to put things??? Is he kidding????

And even if you *do* do that, he couldn't put a better spin on it while you were in the bedroom? "Honey, put your hand here; it feels so great when you do this" or "touch me like this; it's incredible if you do"???

I hate to say it, but it may very well be that what the 2 of you was feeling was intense infatuation and now the relationship has run its course.  He goes from having lots of sex with you to none? Very well could be this is over.

He wants Bs and says I haven't done it in a while, but I have told him I like getting them too and haven't had it in a over a year (sorry for tmi).  

So he is insisting you go down on him...

But he isn't making sure that is standard equipment on his model???

Don't ante up until HE does. Wonder how he likes that one?

I was the one who brought up the word in the past, I am from a divorced household so he blames me saying it on that, and his parents are still together so it is not normal or an option for him.

This is childishness. he's got to cut that out.

He claims he is the only one that has been truly working on saving the marriage.  I have been trying to, but this past summer I was the only one that worked and then he complained when we didn't do things together.  

Another way of him trying to pin the rose on you.  Don't stand for this.

He has OCD and constantly is moving things after I place them, which after all this time sometimes makes me feel like I can't do things right, and I am worried about the faucets as he tends to over tighten them (to the point I have issues using them) and he expects me to empathize him but when I told him my issues (BPD, possible PTSD, and EDNOS) he claims that I am fine and don't have issues. 

I think he is being a snit and a on-purpose perfectionist and being too controlling. IF he truly has a diagnosed case of OCD, he should be under a doctor's care.

Though in our fight yesterday he said I was schizo and need help.  I have been in abusive relationships before but I have never had my self confidence take this much of hit.

Being nasty and mean. Again, more childishness.

I'm convinced that you are somebody who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He isn't the guy for you and never was.

You can ask him to go to counseling with you but he may not agree. Bad news if he does not.

If he refuses to work on fixing the issues and if he won't make sure you are happy in every way, including in the bedroom, you'll have to decide where to go from here.

And if perchance you do decide to go your separate way:

NO dating for at least 3 or 4 years. 

And counseling for yourself.

Let the smoke clear for quite awhile before you even think of dating again.  And when you do: take your time. Rome wasn't built in a day and as you can see, a good relationship takes time to nurture and build.

tigerfighter

I definitely agree that if things do end I was not going to date for a long time.  I have a career I love that I want to focus on, school, and getting things financially in order (retirement, savings, debt paid).

He has told me on many occasions how he is a great guy and that I am taking him for granted and that there are other girls that would be happy to have him.  

TarponMonoxide

tigerfighter said:

I definitely agree that if things do end I was not going to date for a long time.  I have a career I love that I want to focus on, school, and getting things financially in order (retirement, savings, debt paid).

He has told me on many occasions how he is a great guy and that I am taking him for granted and that there are other girls that would be happy to have him.  

How he is a great guy???

Haha, I see he is modest too.

Put yourself first. that's the main thing.

tigerfighter

Is it wrong a few weeks ago I was feeling all loving towards him at a family function of mine due to me having a few glasses of wine?  It had me reconsidering some things.  But I think it was the wine talking.

tigerfighter

He has also called me mean, selfish, and when i told him he was acting controlling that he told me if anyone was controlling in the relationship it was me.

Sillygirl45

tigerfighter said:

Is it wrong a few weeks ago I was feeling all loving towards him at a family function of mine due to me having a few glasses of wine?  It had me reconsidering some things.  But I think it was the wine talking.

To be honest, I once dated a guy a couple of weeks too long due to a nasty cold and cold medicine containing codeine. Substances can do that!

Maybe he is a great guy...for someone else. I don't see anything in your post that screams he's a complete ass. More like, this relationship has run it's course and it's time to go. Unfortunately you're married so it's harder than just breaking up. He actually sounds pretty reasonable that he wanted you to take time and decide how you feel and said it hurt that you had to think about it. I would be hurt too. It doesn't mean you should be married, it just sounds like you're both pretty reasonable people who are probably figuring out this isn't what will make you happy.

Personally I get his not wanting you to talk divorce unless you're serious. Everyone has their style of fighting. I'd want to know if my H was serious, or just thinks that's a good threat. I think you're serious that you're not happy and your hearts not really in it. It's ok. 

Again, sharing some personal stuff, I was one week from 35 when I married. I am my husbands third wife. He's 3 years younger than me. He had some learning to do and so did I. In those years I learned what I would and would not put up with; what I wanted in a husband, and had a lot of fun too. He figured out what he wanted and realized his mistakes. One of the things I always admired is he doesn't talk bad about his ex wives. He sees they mistakes he made. I made mistakes too, I just didn't have to go through a divorce to figure them out.

You'll be ok. 

tigerfighter

Coming from a divorced household as a child (divorce happened when I was 3 so I don't remember anything really about it) I know that it is okay and people move on.  Both of my parents are completely happy with their current SOs.  Of course when I was a child I wanted them together but what child wouldn't.  H doesn't see it as that.  When I had mentioned divorce in the past it was after major fights and being miserable.  Then we worked on things, were happy for a few weeks, then back to neutral until the next fight.  I continue to see this as a pattern.  First blow up February, second July, now September.  

I am strong, my past relationships taught me to never rely on a man, which H gets frustrated and upset about my attitude about that and not wanting to be like the 50's style housewife that is submissive to the husband.  He has also claimed I am with him for money to buy things.  This is completely false, as I do well at my job, especially since I was able to afford the bills all summer on my own.  He claims I get into my feminist, bra burning moods at times.  

Sillygirl45

tigerfighter said:

Coming from a divorced household as a child (divorce happened when I was 3 so I don't remember anything really about it) I know that it is okay and people move on.  Both of my parents are completely happy with their current SOs.  Of course when I was a child I wanted them together but what child wouldn't.  H doesn't see it as that.  When I had mentioned divorce in the past it was after major fights and being miserable.  Then we worked on things, were happy for a few weeks, then back to neutral until the next fight.  I continue to see this as a pattern.  First blow up February, second July, now September.  

I am strong, my past relationships taught me to never rely on a man, which H gets frustrated and upset about my attitude about that and not wanting to be like the 50's style housewife that is submissive to the husband.  He has also claimed I am with him for money to buy things.  This is completely false, as I do well at my job, especially since I was able to afford the bills all summer on my own.  He claims I get into my feminist, bra burning moods at times.  

Dear @tigerfighter, I think you have made your decision. It doesn't appear your a bra burning feminist and it doesn't appear your H is a complete masogynistic ass either. It appears you are both nice people who don't need to be together. Good luck!

doeydo

I don't see things getting better here and it really doesn't seem like he wants to try.  You just aren't right for each other and you can do a lot better.  Don't stay in a marriage that leaves you feeling unhappy and lonely.

tigerfighter said:

DH and I got into a fight on Thursday night and Friday morning, and in a nutshell DH says if I throw the D word around one more time, there will be no going back and it will happen.  We had the D word discussion twice this year, and we have been married for a little over a year.  He said he would give me time to think about things and to try and save the marriage or divorce.  So Friday we each go to work, come home and he wants to talk and tells me how he is hurt that I have to think about whether to stay married to him.  I am miserable and feel we keep going in circles, and for some reason when ever we have these fights he is sweet to me afterwards, especially in front of people.  He also brought up how he doesn't feel desired because no BJs or sex that often, but yet he doesn't like initiating sex so it tends to fall on me, which doesn't help me feel desired.  He says how I am beautiful, smart, etc., his way of saying he desires me, but actions speak louder than words.  This, in a sense, has turned into a loveless marriage, where I would rather be at work then home, and he complains I have no time for him due to me working full time and taking 2 online courses.  He also complains about the guy friends I started talking to again and they fit the rule of not having been intimate with before, and yet he calls them my "boyfriends" and that I am going to have an emotional affair with them.  

I feel like this is my chance to get out and possibly be happy.  But I am torn whether to actually try and work things out or just sum it up to we got married to fast (engaged at 2 months, married a little past our 15 month anniversary.)

I think this ended up more as a vent than a question, but post anyways.

Leftie22

If you're unhappy, you owe it to yourself to get out and give yourself a chance at happiness! You don't have to stay and struggle, especially when your heart's not in it and you don't have kids. Clearly you can take care of yourself, so spend some time on your own figuring out what you really want. If he's such a catch and other women want him, they're welcome to him. Good luck!

Disneygeek77

I read some of your previous posts and your husband sounds like a terrible person.  You never should have married him.  Get out now.   Maybe talk to a support group or a counselor if you need help making this decision, but get out and choose a happier life for yourself. 

magsugar13

Why is it hard?

Because you think that by staying it makes you look like a strong person?

Because you are afraid to be alone?

Because you don't think you deserve to be happy?

Because you are afraid of what people might think?

the list can go on and on

tigerfighter

I did it.  I told him this morning I want a divorce, he then attacked me verbally, calling me immature, evil, any other adjectives like that.  He then tried to talk this over, told me I will regret this and try to come back and that it will not happen.  He has given me a grace period of the rest of the day to rethink and have a change of heart.  

Disneygeek77

Contact a lawyer tomorrow. 

Do you have any reason to be concerned for your safety ?

tigerfighter

We are going to contact a lawyer if we can get it annulled.  No, plus we are going to live as roommates until it is finalized to be able to each save money to get our own places.

tigerfighter

I put in earbuds to avoid his constant little attacks.  

doeydo

Good for you.  Are you sure you want to stay living with him though?  Can you stay at a friend's place or with family instead? 

tigerfighter

We have a huge three bedroom apartment, with my own office, so I can definitely stay to myself here.  Plus it gives us a chance to separate everything.  I am sure I can find a place to stay, but with everything going down the way it did, he says I owe him the ability to get on his feet.

magsugar13

What in the world makes you think you can do this like adults?

nothing you have posted here shows us that  he is able to do that.

he has given you a grace period? really wtf?

tigerfighter

Yea...I tried not laugh at that.  but i have made up my mind.  He even told me there is a girl has started to fall in love with due to my lack of attention.

Disneygeek77

What does that mean you owe him the ability to get on his feet ?

tigerfighter

I am not sure, either.  But I agreed to staying in the apartment until it is finalized.  So we can both save up money.

Sillygirl45

Good luck. I would cut my losses and leave if he's going to be an ass. I'd actually leave even if he wasn't. Why rub salt in the wound for another 6 months. It sounds like you're just ready to move on. I would bet you don't make it to the end of the divorce living together.

tigerfighter

He already said that if i change my mind once we start that he won't have me back, this was said right before the grace period was given.  Hopefully it can be quick.  Just gotta keep my eye on the "prize"