Updated - Why is this a hard decision?

anssett

I married a rebound relationship pretty fast and I realized within a couple months that I'd made a huge mistake and I could never be happy. It took another YEAR for me to get the strength to actually divorce him. This wasn't a terrible abusive situation, it just wasn't one I could ever be truly happy in. I was embarrassed (that I'd gotten married so fast). I was ashamed and felt like a failure for divorcing. I felt stupid. I felt scared I wouldn't find another relationship and get to have kids/family like I knew I wanted. I was FULL of emotions that slowed me down from taking actions and leaving. Then I finally made the decision. And I moved on. And my life is INFINITELY better now. 

You sound like you've made a decision in your heart, but you're still afraid of following through with the reality. Listen to your heart. It's worth taking the risk and possibly getting a giant payoff. This is really hard, but you're strong. You know that! 

anssett

Just got to the comment where you said you told him. CONGRATS!!! I believe you'll be a million times happier this time next year.

magsugar13

 the problem is that staying together in the apartment will not end up well. no matter what you think. this is a very bad idea.

tigerfighter

So it is the end of the day, and i didnt change my mind, though he was trying to be all sweet and tell me things that can change. I will be strong and remember to keep going one day at a time.

Leftie22

I'm glad you got through the day!! I don't think you "owe" him anything though, and living together means you're going to be subjected to his grief, anger, revenge, pleading, etc. Why put yourself through that? In the end it would probably be kinder to make a clean break. Do you have a clear timeline for how long he has to "get on his feet"? I'm really glad you made this decision to look out for yourself, but I think you could go a step further and cut him off entirely. The only person you need to look out for is yourself!! Good luck!

Laurmi

I feel like you're saying you moved to fast and you want out. Normally I'd advise to stick together to see if you can work it out....you took your vows...blah blah blah....but it sounds like you weren't even together for very long anyway, and you might have jumped at the first ideal opportunity. Don't be too hard on yourself. You definitely don't want to be in a marriage that you want "out" of (this is coming from someone that was in a 12 year relationship that I wasn't crazy over and was looking for an out for about 8 out of 12 years). You will begin to resent him and possibly turn into a not-so-nice person. 

When it comes down to it, you need to stay true to yourself. 

Good luck.

Laura 

tigerfighter

So update on this.  We tried again.  Have been going to therapy.  This week's was brutal and lasted almost two hours, and resulted in the therapist asking if we want this to work.  He of course said yes I love you...and me I don't know.  I am tried of being constantly put down and he said that ask any woman that the good things he does for me makes it ok to deal with the verbal abuse when he is mad.  I am really tired of everything and we have had not a talk since the session.  Yesterday afternoon.

DaringMiss

tigerfighter said:

Yea...I tried not laugh at that.  but i have made up my mind.  He even told me there is a girl has started to fall in love with due to my lack of attention.

Oh really?  

This decision just got a whole lot easier!

Tofumonkey

Of course you tried again - you continued to live together, what did you possibly think would happen?

From reading your post I completely disagree with most of the other posters - I think your husband is a nice guy (haven't read any other posts by you). He tells you that you are beautiful and smart but you want something different. You want physical action or something? He has been working to save the marriage, not you. You threw around the word divorce and kept threatening him with it. He is hurt and is lashing out (another girl, etc.) which is pretty normal. He tells you what he wants in the bedroom (you not to paw him like a grizzly) and you're even upset about that. Can he do nothing right by you?

He genuinely sounds like a nice guy. I wouldn't want to sit in a room with you on your computer the whole time either. You got married and you suddenly didn't have time for him - your work, your courses, whatever. That's a fair complaint, is it not? He's upset that you are rekindling friendships with male friends while you are becoming more distant from him - how is that not a fair complaint either?

He was upset that he had the summer off and you still didn't do anything together - that does suck. He's got a point. Yes, you had to work (and I wouldn't be so proud that your job alone can just pay the bills and that's it - that's not a favour to him, that is marriage and teamwork) but you couldn't have made any time for him at all? His OCD can't have just come up in the less than one year you've been married - you married a guy with OCD and are now upset about it? Or are you just unhappy and looking for any flaw that you can? He over tightens the bathroom taps, what a monster!

Seriously. I'm sorry but to me you are not coming out very well on this. You don't have children. You come home from work and do... what? I have a 40-60 hour a week job, am doing a Masters degree, writing a book and have twin three year olds. I still manage to have plenty of time to spend with my husband that is not just being in the same room. Actually doing things together. Talking. Quality time. And it isn't a chore - it's something that I look forward to and prioritise. How can you have so little regard for him that you won't even do that? Set up a schedule for god's sake if you have to - have dinner together and hang out, then work on your school stuff from 8 or 9pm onward each night. 

I think he sounds like a nice guy. You are a nice girl, but you are not in a place to be married. You want to be single and selfish and that's cool - you should have been honest about that and not have married the poor guy in the first place, though. 

Seriously. Turn it upside down. Girl marries guy. Guy suddenly gets new job, works all the time, takes online courses that take up all of his time, girl has lots of time off but husband still does nothing with her at all, in their first year of marriage, guy is always on the computer and never paying attention to her, guy is chatting with girls he used to know but still has no time for girl, guy tells girl she's not having sex right or the way he wants, guy threatens divorce over and over... we would be telling girl to leave guy because she deserves better. 

Just like your husband deserves better.

tigerfighter

I am and was a very nurturing person to him, but after he kept complaining about my hours, and verbally abusing me i started to distance myself. i was depressed so i found my old friends, but he can drink with a female manager on guys night out. i don't physically see my friends. And i do try to make time for him, but apparently watching tv together (no computer involved) is not enough. he wants to go out after i worked 5 10 to 12 hour days in a row and go hiking. he has called me the c word, he has called me pathetic and lazy, but i am not allowed to be afraid at his anger bursts at the cat.

tigerfighter

And he has no problems doing nice things for me so he cam throw them in my face while claiming how i am such a terrible person/wife. In all of my past relationships i have never had my self esteem take such a beating as it has in this marriage.

cloudymeatballs

We all come on here to complain and get advice. She obviously has been having problems with him. She isn't saying all, and do we ever? We will say what he does right and how they do try with certain things, yet there is always more to the story. Good or Bad. No woman/man should have to have their self esteem just thrown out the door. It can take one person, especially one who you care and love so much to do it. They can be the only one to cause such pain. I feel you @tigerfighter! My H, I love him dearly, but he is the only one who can put me down and actually make me feel like shit. I could care less about how others see me, but he is supposed to be your rock and make you a stronger person. Keep trying with this therapy, you will see what you want and he too will see what he needs to do to make you want to stay. Love is such a powerful thing and time will tell. I do hope that you two can work thru this, but if no, hopefully this will build you back to the strong woman you once were and would like to be. Hopefully he will want to make you back to that woman. A strong man will want a strong woman! GL xo

cloudymeatballs

We all come on here to complain and get advice. She obviously has been having problems with him. She isn't saying all, and do we ever? We will say what he does right and how they do try with certain things, yet there is always more to the story. Good or Bad. No woman/man should have to have their self esteem just thrown out the door. It can take one person, especially one who you care and love so much to do it. They can be the only one to cause such pain. I feel you @tigerfighter! My H, I love him dearly, but he is the only one who can put me down and actually make me feel like shit. I could care less about how others see me, but he is supposed to be your rock and make you a stronger person. Keep trying with this therapy, you will see what you want and he too will see what he needs to do to make you want to stay. Love is such a powerful thing and time will tell. I do hope that you two can work thru this, but if no, hopefully this will build you back to the strong woman you once were and would like to be. Hopefully he will want to make you back to that woman. A strong man will want a strong woman! GL xo

Tofumonkey

tigerfighter said:

I am and was a very nurturing person to him, but after he kept complaining about my hours, and verbally abusing me i started to distance myself. i was depressed so i found my old friends, but he can drink with a female manager on guys night out. i don't physically see my friends. And i do try to make time for him, but apparently watching tv together (no computer involved) is not enough. he wants to go out after i worked 5 10 to 12 hour days in a row and go hiking. he has called me the c word, he has called me pathetic and lazy, but i am not allowed to be afraid at his anger bursts at the cat.

Do whatever you want, feel whatever you want. I stand by my feelings on it. You didn't post that he called you terrible things, that he beats animals, was verbally abusive and drinking with other women until I pointed out that from your original post and follow up he hardly sounds like a monster. 

And no, watching TV together isn't good quality time. The guy just wants to go out and do stuff with you. What an ass. Seriously, how is that a fault you are going to complain about too?

He beats his cat, cheats on you with female managers (?), calls you names (do you call him names?), makes it his sole purpose in life to destroy your self esteem (?) and now the bastard wants to go hiking. Hiking! On the weekend! 

You need to pick what you are going to be upset about. Jumbling so much together doesn't help you. You are mixing things that are justifiable and things that make you sound ridiculous. Pick the major ones and focus on those, then deal with it. 

doeydo

tigerfighter said:

So update on this.  We tried again.  Have been going to therapy.  This week's was brutal and lasted almost two hours, and resulted in the therapist asking if we want this to work.  He of course said yes I love you...and me I don't know.  I am tried of being constantly put down and he said that ask any woman that the good things he does for me makes it ok to deal with the verbal abuse when he is mad.  I am really tired of everything and we have had not a talk since the session.  Yesterday afternoon.

Seriously?  That is ridiculous.  Get out.  Now.

tigerfighter

It is official and is happening.  We got into a discussion this morning, it went back and forth a while and then he asked me if I still love him.  And I said no.  We see a lawyer on Monday.

cloudymeatballs

tigerfighter said:

It is official and is happening.  We got into a discussion this morning, it went back and forth a while and then he asked me if I still love him.  And I said no.  We see a lawyer on Monday.

Glad to hear. You did what you could, and came to a decision. Good luck with everything.

cloudymeatballs

.

tigerfighter

Thanks.