married by court but want to still plan a wedding ceremony (LONG)

GilliC

artbyallie said:

GilliC said:

TarponMonoxide said:

Bear in mind that what you will be planning is NOT a wedding.

A wedding is an event that legally unifies 2 people who currently are not wed to anybody.

It behooves me to be pedantic, but this simply isn't true.

The term "wedding" has nothing to do with the legality. In fact, in many countries a legal marriage must be performed at a courthouse, so weddings have absolutely no legal implications at all. Due to the limited schedules of government offices, the legal ceremony may take place days or even months before the wedding.

Full Definition of WEDDING

1

:  a marriage ceremony usually with its accompanying festivities :  nuptials

2

:  an act, process, or instance of joining in close association

3

:  a wedding anniversary or its celebration —usually used in combination <a golden wedding>

Presumably you are not in one of the countries where that is a requirement, however. Here in the U.S., church ceremonies are every bit as legally binding as courthouse ones, so your argument falls rather flat.

Well, I got married and had my wedding in the US. So I guess your argument falls rather flat, too.

We had planned to sign our marriage certificate at our church wedding in my hometown, but life didn't work out that way. While our wedding could have been legally binding, it wasn't, because we were already married.

My sister's wedding was not legally binding because she couldn't legally marry her female spouse in her state. Last year Washington voted to allow same-sex marriages, and they signed a paper so that she is now legally married to her wife. I wouldn't call signing that piece of paper her wedding. Her wedding was 10 years ago when she and her wife put on special outfits and rented a venue and she said her vows to the woman she loved in front of their friends and family.

A wedding is a "celebration" and a "ceremony." While it often does include the legality of marriage, it is not a requirement for something to be considered a "wedding."

Sillygirl45

I realize you're really just looking for people to say it would be totally normal and ok for you to have a full wedding this long after getting married because of extenuating circumstances. It's not. It's strange. Especially since planning someone else's wedding is what has prompted this wedding bug. 

Have a housewarming, have an anniversary party, not a wedding. 

Really wanting to be married and speeding up immigration are not critical, they are choices. If you wanted the big day when you could afford it, you should have waited until that time. I'm sure you'll do what you want, but that's what the majority of people are going to think.

artbyallie

Same-sex marriage is one of the few exceptions to the rule, IMO, since it is not yet legal in all states. But dressing up and playing pretend when you are already married is flat-out just silly and proves that all you care about is playing Pretty Princess and the thousand-plus legal benefits that gay couples are still barred from mean nothing to you merely because you didn't get to wear a white dress when you got them.

GilliC

@artbyallie said:

Same-sex marriage is one of the few exceptions to the rule, IMO, since it is not yet legal in all states. But dressing up and playing pretend when you are already married is flat-out just silly and proves that all you care about is playing Pretty Princess and the thousand-plus legal benefits that gay couples are still barred from mean nothing to you merely because you didn't get to wear a white dress when you got them.

It's not just playing Pretty Princess. It's also about meeting the rest of your new family, knowing that you have the support of your loved ones, and all kinds of symbolism and emotional attachment that seem really important at the time, but probably aren't (we got married in my home church, it was officiated by a clergyman who meant a lot to me growing up, etc).

If you say that none of that matters at all, then anyone having a wedding is just playing Pretty Princess, whether it's a legally-binding ceremony or not. It's just as legally binding if it's a 10-minute ceremony with two witnesses, so why should anyone be allowed to put on the big white dress without being called out for it?

TarponMonoxide

Sillygirl45 said:

I realize you're really just looking for people to say it would be totally normal and ok for you to have a full wedding this long after getting married because of extenuating circumstances. It's not. It's strange. Especially since planning someone else's wedding is what has prompted this wedding bug. 

Have a housewarming, have an anniversary party, not a wedding. 

Really wanting to be married and speeding up immigration are not critical, they are choices. If you wanted the big day when you could afford it, you should have waited until that time. I'm sure you'll do what you want, but that's what the majority of people are going to think.

What about back in the day during WWII when the guys  were deploying?

You had a wedding and planned it as quickly as possible, even if it was on extreme short notice.  You chose a place to have it and invited who could attend.  You made the best of all circumstances.

Things were different then.  When the war was over, there was no such thing as an onslaught of all or most of these couples signing on for a "redo" of their wedding day, where they wanted some fat assed list of guests and a fantastic event held in some fantastic venue.

Too bad we can't go back to those kind of days.

I suggested you go on a fantastic trip to somewhere you and he have always wanted to see. Or take the money and buy something the 2 of you have always wanted. Or buy a nice piece of jewelry with that money, maybe something fancy for him, too, if he likes jewelry -- nice Rolex watches never go out of style.

JemmaWRX

I suppose I can understand your disappointment in never having a wedding.  But shit happens.  Those were your circumstances and you two made the choice to get married two and a half years ago.  It would odd and tacky to have a big wedding now.  Can you imagine getting an invitation in the mail to "Celebrate Our Love" for a couple who has already been married for several years?  As happy as I am for my friends who are happily married, I would totally side-eye this and would  definitely decline.  It's attention-whorish, gift-grabby (people WILL feel obligated to give you a gift), random, and weird.  Don't have a wedding.  If you must, have a small, intimate party for close friends and family.  Because all the other potential guests.... frankly, they probably don't care about your relationship enough to attend a party celebrating your love.  

Also, put whatever money you would have put into a wedding into something more worthwhile.  It would be a monumental waste of money.

artbyallie

GilliC said:

@artbyallie said:

Same-sex marriage is one of the few exceptions to the rule, IMO, since it is not yet legal in all states. But dressing up and playing pretend when you are already married is flat-out just silly and proves that all you care about is playing Pretty Princess and the thousand-plus legal benefits that gay couples are still barred from mean nothing to you merely because you didn't get to wear a white dress when you got them.

It's not just playing Pretty Princess. It's also about meeting the rest of your new family, knowing that you have the support of your loved ones, and all kinds of symbolism and emotional attachment that seem really important at the time, but probably aren't (we got married in my home church, it was officiated by a clergyman who meant a lot to me growing up, etc).

If you say that none of that matters at all, then anyone having a wedding is just playing Pretty Princess, whether it's a legally-binding ceremony or not. It's just as legally binding if it's a 10-minute ceremony with two witnesses, so why should anyone be allowed to put on the big white dress without being called out for it?

You missed my point entirely. It's the list of over a thousand federal rights that come along with legal marriage that you're spitting on here. You have those things. You have your marriage to your spouse. You can have a party with your loved ones without having a pretend ceremony to do something you've already done.

anssett

On the Knot they aptly call this a Pretty Princess Day. It's a chance for a girl to throw a giant celebration where she's the center of attention because she thinks it's her right, even though she's already married. I think it's about the biggest waste of money imaginable. Have a vow renewal after at least 5-10 years if you feel that deprived.

DaBearsBride

You could always divorce and remarry him

GilliC

@artbyallie said:

GilliC said:

@artbyallie said:

Same-sex marriage is one of the few exceptions to the rule, IMO, since it is not yet legal in all states. But dressing up and playing pretend when you are already married is flat-out just silly and proves that all you care about is playing Pretty Princess and the thousand-plus legal benefits that gay couples are still barred from mean nothing to you merely because you didn't get to wear a white dress when you got them.

It's not just playing Pretty Princess. It's also about meeting the rest of your new family, knowing that you have the support of your loved ones, and all kinds of symbolism and emotional attachment that seem really important at the time, but probably aren't (we got married in my home church, it was officiated by a clergyman who meant a lot to me growing up, etc).

If you say that none of that matters at all, then anyone having a wedding is just playing Pretty Princess, whether it's a legally-binding ceremony or not. It's just as legally binding if it's a 10-minute ceremony with two witnesses, so why should anyone be allowed to put on the big white dress without being called out for it?

You missed my point entirely. It's the list of over a thousand federal rights that come along with legal marriage that you're spitting on here. You have those things. You have your marriage to your spouse. You can have a party with your loved ones without having a pretend ceremony to do something you've already done.

Trust me, I understood your point even if I don't agree with it. My sister got to have a big wedding. The government did not keep her from doing that. Moreover, she had absolutely no problem with me having a wedding when we were already legally married, because it's just a big party. If anything, it was even more sympathetic to their situation, because it wasn't a "Hey, we just signed this legal document to get all these benefits that you can't have!" party; it was a "Hey, we're committing our lives to each other and getting to know each other's families!" party. IMO, insisting that a wedding must accompany a legal union is "spitting on" the people who aren't afforded those benefits.

My point was that anyone who has a full wedding is having a Pretty Princess day, because it's not required for getting married. Just because you throw your look-at-me party on the same day you sign a legal document doesn't make it any less AW. It's just more common, so people tend to forget or overlook that it's still just a big attention grab.

sillygoosegirl

Since you always planned to have a wedding in the future, did you keep your marriage a secret?  If so, it doesn't really seem like there'd be any problem with it.  If not... well, I think this post should give you a good idea of what sorts of challenges you might face if you try to throw yourselves a wedding when everyone knows you are married already. 

I can also promise you, having had a wedding myself, that being a guest is WAY more fun than being a bride.  Also, WAY cheaper.  

artbyallie

sillygoosegirl said:

Since you always planned to have a wedding in the future, did you keep your marriage a secret?  If so, it doesn't really seem like there'd be any problem with it.  If not... well, I think this post should give you a good idea of what sorts of challenges you might face if you try to throw yourselves a wedding when everyone knows you are married already. 

I can also promise you, having had a wedding myself, that being a guest is WAY more fun than being a bride.  Also, WAY cheaper.  

Uh, what? Lying about being married makes it way worse. Marriages are public record, btw.

blueobsidian

sillygoosegirl said:

Since you always planned to have a wedding in the future, did you keep your marriage a secret?  If so, it doesn't really seem like there'd be any problem with it.  If not... well, I think this post should give you a good idea of what sorts of challenges you might face if you try to throw yourselves a wedding when everyone knows you are married already. 

I can also promise you, having had a wedding myself, that being a guest is WAY more fun than being a bride.  Also, WAY cheaper.  

No problems with that?  Do you really think it is OK to lie to your closest friends and family?  Why?  I'm baffled by these kinds of statements.  I can't think  of a single reason to lie to my loved ones about my marital status. I would never be comfortable being a liar.

Samboni

BIG waste of money. HUGE! It won't live up to whatever chick flick you have playing in your head anyway. I get wishing you had done things differently, but please don't have a wedding now. Save the money for a house, vacation, anniversary trip, or buy a huge photo package for your family on both sides. Pay the sitting fees, buy the packages, and take everyone to eat after the shoot. Having the families together or just one side but including extended relatives would be cool. Do something creative. Let go of a re-do of any sort (especially something people wont appreciate nearly as much as you will) and think of something NEW!

sillygoosegirl

blueobsidian said:

sillygoosegirl said:

Since you always planned to have a wedding in the future, did you keep your marriage a secret?  If so, it doesn't really seem like there'd be any problem with it.  If not... well, I think this post should give you a good idea of what sorts of challenges you might face if you try to throw yourselves a wedding when everyone knows you are married already. 

I can also promise you, having had a wedding myself, that being a guest is WAY more fun than being a bride.  Also, WAY cheaper.  

No problems with that?  Do you really think it is OK to lie to your closest friends and family?  Why?  I'm baffled by these kinds of statements.  I can't think  of a single reason to lie to my loved ones about my marital status. I would never be comfortable being a liar.

I do think it would be wrong to lie to your closest friends and family about your marital status.  But if a couple keeps their legal status a secret from the people they know, I'd think it would be more accurate to say they are lying to the government, NOT their friends.  I'm not a big fan of lying to the government about stuff, but in this case it's not illegal, and you can make some pretty strong arguments for it not really being the government's business.  I know a lot of people have done this, and considering how hard it used to be to get health insurance in this country, I can't really blame them.  

LaxWife

if it's important to you and your husband, do it.

if you want to avoid people thinking you're crazy, don't over do it, give those who werent able to come to your special day a chance to celebrate, and be clear - you don't want gifts (unless you really do) and maybe donate to a charity or something.

At the end of the day, marriage is about your life AFTER the wedding, but if you are going to regret it - or think you regret doing it it the other way then just do it.

Though, I would have to agree with PP's that you will definitely get some "side-looks", you will definitely get some flack, and personally, I'd rather spend the money on a kick-ass vacation. But, do what's right for you and your husband, you are the only two that matter in this equation.

ranzzo

It's about choices.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting married at a JOP and not have a big wedding/ceremony.  The reasons why simply don't matter.  However, unless you get divorced and plan to remarry, that was your wedding, whether you are happy about it or not.  Having another ceremony 6 months or 2 1/2 years down the road is unacceptable and gift grabby to most people. You made that choice.  No one forced you at gun point.  Just like other people make the choice to wait and have the big wedding/reception they want when they could afford it, have time to plan it, etc...  Neither choice is better/worse than the other.  In the end you married your H, own up to the choice you made and be happy you were able to marry the person you love.  If that isn't good enough for you, you have other problems. 

TattieSoup

I can see my opinion is a minority view here but I would be delighted to be invited to a reception for a couple who had been married a while but never had the party. Wedding receptions are not just about the bride and groom, they are family reunions and they are meant to be enjoyable for the guests, not some duty where you turn up and feel bitter about having to buy a gift. If you think it's shallow to want the attention for a day, that means that everyone who has a big wedding is shallow, otherwise everyone should have quiet courtroom ceremonies where the focus is all on the vows.

On the other hand, do be sure you want it because they are expensive and stressful and not as much fun to plan as they look. I have anxiety issues anyway and the added stress of organising mine made me feel so bad I ended up signed off work. If you won't feel the emotional element of it because you are not really getting married that day it might not be worth it.

Maybe you could combine it with another big event, like if you are going to have a christening for your first child you could have that and a wedding reception the same weekend. That might soothe some of the people who would otherwise think it was odd.