Trouble in Paradise
MrsMorrisonToBe
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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I need extreme fiance help :(
Should I even call him that anymore? Fiance? Last night we were fighting until 3am. Our wedding, is July 5 of next year. Our wedding party had their first get together in September, in which they were beginning to plan our stag and doe. He said he'd appoint one of the guys to be best man before that... and he did not. I asked him.. why haven't you asked one of them? He said... I don't know. He keeps spending money on himself, and when it comes time to talk about expenses for the wedding he makes it sound like doom and gloom. We are getting married in the town we live in, and now I don't want to get married here anymore. We are going to be hosting the rehersal dinner to... the gift opening on the Sunday now he says. I feel like he just wants to get the wedding over with. He is not booking any time off for a honeymoon or even a night together and wants to come home on our wedding night where my father will be staying. His mother wants to have a family reunion after our wedding. He does not want to compromise with me on even staying somewhere the night after our wedding I am ready to just give up!!! We have no family who lives in this town that can host anything for us at their home. Everyone is coming here minus our friends in town and who we work with on the Fire Department. I need to know, who ever reads this... what each and every one of you would do.
Re: I need extreme fiance help :(
It does seem that the wedding hosting is becoming too much for him. It's a huge expense. Maybe he doesn't want this big wedding. Maybe he'd like to cut back a little. I'd ask him him in a non-confrontational way what his true feelings were about everything. If money is the issue, then you need to bend and meet him halfway. There are ways to cut expenses. For example: don't have a rehearsal and a rehearsal dinner. No rehearsal means no need to host anything afterwards. Weddings aren't rocket science - we had no rehearsal at all and are still quite married.
I think you do need to face that maybe he just doesn't want to get married. That could be behind his attitude as well. However, you will never know what's in his head until you ask him directly and have an adult conversation. We can speculate until the cows come home, but he's the only one who knows. Go into the conversation with an open mind and actually hear what's he saying.
Good luck.
If you truly feel like you aren't a priority and you aren't sure if he really wants to get married, it's time to out the brakes on wedding planning, and do some work on your relationship. Sit down and talk to him about it. (Your relationship, not the wedding.) Also, you need to get on a financial plan together, BEFORE you get married. If you're going ahead, you need to sit down and write down your budget, how much you each think is okay to spend on things, and how you're going to pay for it. If you find him blowing more money and leaving you to pay for something for the wedding, don't pay for it!! You shouldn't just plow ahead with the wedding when you're having relationship and financial issues. It's not worth it. Have a good talk, come up with a plan you both can commit to, write down the plan, and go from there. He wanders away from the plan? Time for another talk. Don't just plow ahead with the wedding and ignore your larger relationship issues. Good luck!
Oh boy. You two have a lot going on.
Here's my suggestion: Calculate how much money you can reasonably save between now and the wedding. Reasonably means still having money around to buy things that are fun (that includes hobbies, eating out, etc) and that becomes your wedding budget. Put that money in a separate account and don't touch it except for wedding stuff. Live the rest of your life as you want. As long as the right amount goes in every month, leave him be.
Be realistic about what you can pay for. No one NEEDS a rehearsal or rehearsal dinner. What you NEED to do is host your guests well. Put the money towards things your guests want: good food and drink. Don't push the onus of paying for this on to them. You can have a lovely wedding on a small budget - the women on the Knot have excellent suggestions.
And, just for perspective - I loathed the idea of engagement photos. I wouldn't have wanted to do them either. I'm not saying that's what your fiancé is doing, but I am saying that not everything he's doing may be because he doesn't want to get married. But, it also might. I'm not him.
I am thinking that it may not even be possible to marry this guy at all.
If he hasn't got a handle on how to save and spend money now, and do so wisely, he never will.
Don't think that he'll grow up after the wedding, or learn how to save, after the wedding. Don't think he's going to turn into Suze Orman...after the wedding because I guarantee you he will not.
This is also an immaturity problem. He probably is young 20s or maybe mid20s, judging from your post but I guarantee you a 20ish foolish spendthrift will turn into a 30s foolish spendthrift and then a 40s foolish spendthrift... and so forth.
Based on the fact this guy can't handle money?
Say goodbye to him completely.
I guarantee you you will wind up paying for all and this jerk will be spending "his" money away --- when you are a committed couple, let alone a married couple, it is now an OUR MONEY deal. So in effect, he is spending YOUR money away, too, even if it is "his" technically.
Get rid of him and do it now. Call your officiant and tell him that the wedding is off.
The communication problems are many and I doubt they will be rectified to YOUR satisfaction.
Marrying him is not a good idea. Sorry.
You said it best right here, if you are referring to your FI:
If someone doesn't want to do their part... and is making you feel like you are not sure if they even want to get married... or, their priorities are elsewhere I honestly do not know why they ask you in the first place. Thanks everyone.
The advice, in particular, where I stated he's got a spending problem and he can't spend or save money wisely and at this point, your money and his is now an OUR MONEY status?
You people do not need a "chat" --- as I said, you need counseling before marriage and intensive counseling.
And I don't think that will work. A person knows by now how to spend and save money wisely or he or she does not. This is something he should have had a handle on by the time he was about 18 years old.
ETA: This is why you give a kid an allowance: this is how they learn how to spend and save money -- and this is why it is a great idea for a kid to have an after school job, even if it is babysitting or cutting lawns for neighbors. Parents don't do this anymore and I know of very few kids who have afterschool jobs.
YOu can't teach him how to save. He either "gets it" or he does not.
You will wind up policing his spending and you'll wind up being his "mother" and not a wife and equal partner, all thanks to the fact he can't save and spend money wisely. You will also argue endlessly and copiously about money -- and money, like sex and religion (and IN LAWS) are the biggies a couple will argue over.
I'd bid him adieu because of the spending: you and he are not on the same page with money.
This is a closed case:
I have suggested pre marital counselling... and he has said that he does not think we need it. I'll let you all know how things turn out. Thanks for the great advice.
Say goodbye to him, as I said. I don't see much hope here.
How long have you 2 known each other??? I will guarantee you it is not that long of a while.
You 2 need to s l o w d o w n and to do it immediately.
Only now you are starting to see that he can't keep his piss in the pot he puts it in??? Either you glossed the whole thing over or you don't know a serious problem when it rears its head.
He won't go to counseling? Then that's the ball game right there. If he will not go, very bad news.
And if he won't acknowledge he's got a problem with spending and communication with you, what will he acknowlege that is a big problem???
Think about it.
How long have you 2 known each other??? I will guarantee you it is not that long of a while.
Only now you are starting to see that he can't keep his piss in the pot he puts it in??? Either you glossed the whole thing over or you don't know a serious problem when it rears its head.
He won't go to counseling? Then that's the ball game right there. If he will not go, very bad news.
He is in his 30s and he hasn't got his financial act together. That's pretty sad -- and also quite bad.
I wonder if this guy has money saved for an emergency like long term unemployment or a medical expense that is not forseen --- and if he's given a thought to putting money away for retirement -- it is never too early to do so.
And I also wonder if you had a complete and full money talk with him --- if you haven't I suggest you do so right now. I guarantee you he is clueless about all aspects of money. Put yourself on the alert.
You need to ask him before you are married:
IF he has savings; if so how much? What has he invested in? What debt has he got and how much and how was it accrued...and how does HE plan on resolving the issue, before you are wed? Has he got a retirement fund, a 401K, a pension or an IRA? What is his 5 year plan for saving and investing? And after you are wed, how does he plan on saving and spending his money? Does he have an emergency fund and if so, how much is in it?
And if any of these replies are not satisfactory to you or you see a red flag, get your ass out of the picture immediately. YOu and he have to be on the same page with every single one of these issues, just like you are supposed to be on the same page with religion and with your sex life and with everything in general.
He does NOT get it that it is now also an "OUR money" issue -- ultimately, you and he need to be depositing your paychecks into one savings account and from there, start paying for things you will need for your future. You'll be needing furniture, a place to live and other necessities.
I suggest a "mad money" amount for each of you each week that will not break the bank --- you can do what you wish and he can do what he wishes, with that money.
And if he won't acknowledge he's got a problem with spending and communication with you, what will he acknowlege that is a big problem???
Think about it.
Maybe it's just me but I think that the only real problems you have are
1. Your FH doesn't know how to stay on a budget
2. Your lack of good communication as a couple
If you could talk calmly about what each of you want and how you are going to make it happen and then work together to accomplish it, this wouldn't be a big deal. It sounds like this fight has been blown WAAAAAAAAY out of proportion.
Just because he's not super interested in wedding planning doesn't mean he's a bad guy or doesn't want to get married. HE'S JUST A MAN!!!
And just because he spends money thoughtlessly doesn't make him a bad guy. Maybe a little immature, but like I said above... HE'S JUST A MAN! haha
Sit down and chat about finances in general because after the wedding, it's going to be buying a house or saving up for a baby or a new car. Eventually you two are going to have to get on the same page with your $$.
Stop looking at each and every example and coming back with a response. Start looking at the situation as a WHOLE.
Here's what it comes down to: You need money to pay for the wedding. You want your fiance to help contribute to the wedding.
In my last post and Jemma's following post, you were given good advice on how to fix that problem. Now, go implement it. Together.
A few things stand out to me here. You expect everyone else's lives to revolve around your wedding, that is a very long way off. He's overwhelmed and frustrated that you want every cent to go toward the wedding- while you still need to live your lives between now and then. It sounds like you've gone well overboard rabid bride and he's standing on the sidelines shaking his head.
There is a difference, and I think that is part of your problem. Tone down the dramatics. Seriously.
It is not so good that he's spending money on things that can best be passed up.
People like these never learn. I've seen it a thousand times --- I have a sibling who does that exactly: spends money like the literal no tomorrow. He's in debt up to his eyeballs and he hasn't saved a penny. And he's no kid. He is much older than your FI.
The spending is a big red flag. I'd rethink a guy who can't treat money wisely.
To the nice lady who suggested marrage prep courses are church does have them and we are supposed to start them within a couple of months.
I would also strongly consider counseling with a secular counselor; you and he find one and start seeing that person.