Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: I need extreme fiance help :(
I'm going to have to second the "provoking and attacking" thing. Why are people so mean on here? Holy Moly! Unnecessary Roughness! And hold on... let me predict the future... people are going to start saying "no one is attacking. We're only giving great advice because we are all oracles with zero issues in our lives so we must be better/know better than OP"
If you're just looking for hair pats and bandwagon buddies for your melodramatic "he's no longer my fiancé because he's not spending money the way I want" party, just say so in the OP so the rest of us don't waste our time responding with something more thoughtful than Counseling! Dump him!
I'm also of the opinion that you really shouldn't need couples Counseling BEFORE getting married. For god's sake if it is not working before marriage, why force it? I get the whole pre-marital Counseling as a general tool to help couples form a successful marriage, but that's not what OP's after. She wants counseling for a specific problem, before they are even married. There are more men in the world- why force one that doesn't already fit?
Furthermore, if you go into every issue thinking you are completely faultless you will be in for a world of hurt. OP does sound like a bridezilla, which doesn't necessarily involve being a "spendthrift". Having your bridal party go for initial planning discussions 10 months before the wedding, giving her fiancé a hard time about not having yet chosen a best man, obsessing over cake toppers and candle centrepieces- those things scream bridezilla to me, and I'm not at all surprised her husband is backing off.
And he spent a grand on an antique fire truck. I don't see what the big deal is. Does life stop until your wedding? Has he spiralled the two of you into debt by doing so? You're not even married yet, not for nearly another year. Why can't he spend his money as he sees fit?
There are much better ways to approach this than screaming until 3am. A financial planner, rather than just a counsellor, may help.
As for my marriage? Why is my (or anyone's) marriage relevant? I'm not the one asking strangers on the internet for help with my fiancé. Regardless, yeah. My marriage is pretty awesome. But it might be because I went with someone pretty great right off the bat, rather than settling for someone I was hoping to change.
So there's that.
Also, bear in mind we can only communicate with written words. It's easy to interpret something as bitchy when in reality it was just direct and honest. When I'm responding to people it's generally not my intention to provoke or attack. Unless they're really asking for it. (That's sarcasm by the way. Just so there's no confusion.)
Do you seriously not think that her assumptions about her fiancé's emotions about these wedding items are relevant?
I think they are certainly relevant. And that you are looking for a problem where there isn't one.
I felt like the you (kss) and OP were talking about the majority of responses she received. And I don't think the bulk of responses were meant to provoke or attack her.
This isn't a guy blowing money on drugs and video games. He's spending it buying property, boats and antique fire trucks. This does not make him a bad guy, nor does the comment about the ring if things don't work out.
I think it sucks that you moved so far just to be with him in a small town you don't love.
This whole thing could easily be a blessing in disguise- the two of you have different priorities and values- that's okay. It doesn't make either of you wrong. Just that marrying each other might not be the best step after all. That may seem harsh, but its something to think about.
These differences will not go away once you are married.
Just as an aside:
If you really love the ring --- or if he loves it and he knows you will be ecstatic that you will get that ring....
BUT it doesn't fit....
Why not go to a jeweler and have a copy of it made, in your size?
IT is a snap for a jeweler to make any type of ring setting. All your FI needed to do was buy the diamond (or whatever stone it is) to put into the setting.
Why didn't he discuss the topic of a ring and what type of ring you'd like, with you before you and he both started to look for rings?
Maybe you won't like the idea of his mother's ring. Maybe you think the setting is stodgy, or too elaborate or too this or that: Why should you wear a ring you are not crazy about?
And why should you wear a ring that doesn't FIT?
it is tougher to size up than to size down. It takes more work and jewelers aren't crazy about sizing up for that reason.
It is etiquette that a family ring be returned to the person it came from, if there is a divorce or the engagement doesn't pan out.
I like the idea of a copy made of a simply fabulous ring. The sentiment is still there plus the ring is all your own.
You can still do this, you know: have a copy of his mother's ring made. It wouldn't be poor taste or "too late to get another ring." I think it would be a splendid idea, in fact.
ETA: And I think it would be spectacular to have a ring copied, whether it's a ring that an aunt or grandma or some other relative has and one you've always admired --- or if there is a celebrity ring you have always liked a lot, or a ring from a certain period in time. Women have bridal gowns copied -- why not have a fabulous ring copied?
If this is a ring that belongs to a grandmother or a mother that you have copied, it would still hold the sentimental value, plus you have an original ring of your own.
I'm meh on the cake topper comment. YOu have to hear how things are said to interpret them correctly -- the interwebs do not provide that benefit.
And a cake topper is small time change. They break or they get lost in transit sometimes when the reception site packs up the belongings of the wedding couple --- the signature mat we had got lost. The site said probably it was tossed out by accident or somebody on staff thought it was refuse. Imagine that. I don't know what became of it.
I made my cake topper. Long story; it was something we did for shits and giggles that reflected "us."
If all else fails, get a big letter at a craft store that represents the first initial of your new last name, color it and plop it on top of the cake. Or put flowers on top of the cake. In the scheme of things, a cake topper is small change. Choose your battles.:)
I'm sorry you're going through this, and they are red flags that I would be worried about too. That's why I said in my earlier response that you should hit pause on the wedding planning, and figure out this relationship. The wedding is one day, the marriage is much longer. If you aren't included in his financial or property planning now, you're not a partnership. If you can't communicate, don't get a ring you want (I think a gal has every right to be consulted on her ring) and can't get him to meet joint goals, you're not ready to get married. I'm also saying this as someone who knows my own marriage isn't perfect, and the main problems I have now are things I should have ironed out before the wedding day. My DH was terrible with finances and made decisions on property with his family without me before we were married. We went to financial and marriage counselling before getting married, and he has changed his ways a lot. However, by that point a lot of the damage had already been done, and we still had to deal with the fallout of his crappy decisions after the wedding. It made the first year of our marriage really rough, financially and emotionally. Had I known how crappy it would be, I would have waited on the wedding. So, there's some honesty for you. It's not an attack, it's advice from someone who ignored red flags and consequently feels like an idiot.
Indeed: he is to make these decisions with you. Not his father or anybody else.
This is not good news.
How about you? Don't you factor into this picture regarding what you would like to do???
I think think this just plain stinks. He's got to be more flexible. I'd hate to see him be as inflexible later on after you are wed.
Regarding this: people react differently to grief but he could have been more sensitive:
My FI takes alot of patients on transfers to hospitals for MRI, Ultrasound, etc. I remember the tech asking him if he wanted to come in with me and his answer was 'No, I have been to lots of these" and he sat there and continued to play on his cell phone. I feel like that is a sadness I have been suffering alone for a while too.
I think you are going to have to ask yourself if you wnt to spend the rest of your life with this guy.
I would, if I were you, put the wedding on hold for a good chunk of time until you do some soul searching.
Talk to your friends --- you must have a friend who is a hard ass when it comes to opinions -- who will tell you flat out what she really thinks of X or Y. See a friend like that and ask her what she thinks of him and everything you've told us.
Talk to your clergyperson, a therapist, your best friend. People you like and can trust.
See a financial counselor on your own and tell him about the money issues you are having with your H.
Do not agree to marry this guy until you yourself have an "all clear." And if you can't get an all clear, say goodbye to him.
Also, I don't see any point in marrying someone that is clearly apathetic about marrying me. Save yourself the frustration.
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