Rules for the opposite sex

CowgirlK39

I will make a really long story short: My DH's buddy recently broke up with a girl, and DH took it upon himself to play matchmaker and set his friend up with a girl he knew from his high school days. He picked her up (no idea why) and took her to meet up with his buddy and a few others. Well, as luck would have it, the local gossip queen saw DH and this girl leaving the resturaunt they all met up at and immediately sent me a message on facebook to tell me she caught him cheating. What the gossip didn't see was his friend in the backseat of the truck they were getting into. Everyone confirmed DH's story, and they all agreed it just looked bad, saying there was no flirting or anything since the goal was to set up the friend with this girl. The only reason I wasn't there is that I was OOT for work.

I do not suspect him of cheating or any of that stuff because there is no proof of that and obviously I trust him. But I do not approve of him taking random girls he knows (that I do not, even after being together 5 years) and hanging out. Is it wrong of me to think that? I just feel like that's not appropriate for a married guy to be doing that. If it was for work or an event or something then cool, but I see no reason for him to be contacting acquaintances just to hang out with him and his friends. We are going to talk about it when I get home but do any of you have rules you both follow when it comes to the opposite sex?

TarponMonoxide

He could have given her the address of where they were meeting. Maybe he did her a favor by bringing her there.

I advocate going to the event "on your own." Suppose somebody fixed you up with a blind date and you were truly having a horrible time? You are free to leave on your own, rather than having to leave with the person who drove you to the meeting place.

The problem here: people go nuts and they play that stupid little telephone game we used to play as kids! The most innocuous things get marked down as a torrid love affair or that people are on their way to the nearest motel for some action. Sheesh...

Leftie22

I wouldn't want my DH to take some other woman somewhere, even if it was to set her up with a friend. If it was a group thing, I would want him to wait until I could come too, and have more of a double date with the other couple. (Where they also drive their own cars.) It sounds a little odd, and even if nothing is going on, it's still inappropriate. (To me, anyway.) If nothing else, the fact that it didn't look right to other people should tell your DH that it wasn't the way to go. Hopefully your talk goes well and he sees that it was a bad move. Good luck.

Kimbus22

I don't give a crap if my husband goes to eat or something with another woman. I certainly wouldn't care if he picked up a female friend to go on a group outing (which is what this seems like).  I trust him.  He doesn't care when I hang out with my ex boyfriend.  He trusts me.

I can't understand getting worked up about this kind of stuff.  Do I want him sitting at dinner with his arm around some woman kissing her hello and goodbye?  No.  Of course not.  But to tell him he can't hang out alone with a female friend just because he's married seems ridiculous.

If it matters, we've been together 12 years, married for 8 1/2 and we've always functioned this way.

TattieSoup

We have no rules about this at all. I would be happy for my husband to go out alone with a female friend even if it was someone I didn't know or that he hadn't seen for a while. I don't feel any differently about what he does with his female friends compared to his male friends. If someone phoned me just because they saw my husband eating alone with a woman I would think it was ridiculous.

On the other hand, I expect to know when he is going to be home and when he is going to be out, so I would be annoyed about him going to a restaurant with anyone if he was late back, even though some people would find that unreasonable. I guess everyone has their own hang ups, and the important thing is that you as a couple try not to press each others buttons? At the end of the day it doesn't matter what anyone else is or isn't comfortable with.

artbyallie

My thinking is, if you need 'rules' like this, you're either paranoid or with a guy who would break them anyway. I don't care if H is alone with some woman, regardless of whether I know her or not. I know him, and he is not a cheater. If I didn't trust him implicitly, I wouldn't be married to him.

jtmh2012

Kimbus22 said:

I don't give a crap if my husband goes to eat or something with another woman. I certainly wouldn't care if he picked up a female friend to go on a group outing (which is what this seems like).  I trust him.  He doesn't care when I hang out with my ex boyfriend.  He trusts me.

I can't understand getting worked up about this kind of stuff.  Do I want him sitting at dinner with his arm around some woman kissing her hello and goodbye?  No.  Of course not.  But to tell him he can't hang out alone with a female friend just because he's married seems ridiculous.

If it matters, we've been together 12 years, married for 8 1/2 and we've always functioned this way.

This!

You already said you trust him.  He was obiously setting the girl up with one of his guy buddies.  Don't cause a problem where there isn't one.

kss20

I agree with @artbyallie

If I don't trust the man I'm with I'm more likely to be upset over this.  With my FI, I really wouldn't care.

Did you know this was the plan before it happened?  Did you know before the "gossip" messaged you on fb?

cloudymeatballs

. 

What you guys need to do is figure out what you two are comfortable with.  It doesn't matter about everyone else, it is what is good for you and your H.  If you aren't cool with this then simply tell him and you two can work on what works for you and him.  He may think you are being ridiculous, yet he needs to make sure he is doing things that you are okay with, as you with him.    All this is is something for you two to talk about.  Also, did you know he was already doing this?  Picking up this girl and taking her?  Or did he not tell you until after?  If you did already know, why didn't you say something before? 

Hope it went well.   

EastCoastBride

artbyallie said:

My thinking is, if you need 'rules' like this, you're either paranoid or with a guy who would break them anyway. I don't care if H is alone with some woman, regardless of whether I know her or not. I know him, and he is not a cheater. If I didn't trust him implicitly, I wouldn't be married to him.

I'm here and with Kimbus. 

And what does all the info about the "local gossip queen" even have to do with this?  Do you care because someone else cares?  Or are you, personally, bothered by this?

Regardless - DH and I don't have rules like this because we trust each other to

1 - use good judgement and

2- not cheat.

tiffanysbride

cloudymeatballs said:

. 

What you guys need to do is figure out what you two are comfortable with.  It doesn't matter about everyone else, it is what is good for you and your H.  If you aren't cool with this then simply tell him and you two can work on what works for you and him.  He may think you are being ridiculous, yet he needs to make sure he is doing things that you are okay with, as you with him.    All this is is something for you two to talk about.  Also, did you know he was already doing this?  Picking up this girl and taking her?  Or did he not tell you until after?  If you did already know, why didn't you say something before? 

Hope it went well.   

This. I don't think DH and I have rules but their are things each of us would be uncomfortable with the other person doing so we don't out of respect for the each other. If it made you uncomfortable then talk about it, if not then ignore the background noise. I do wonder why he needed to be there for someone else's date or drive them. Just strange to me. That said I do think sometimes you need to think about what you are doing and how it can be perceived, not by others but by your spouse.

NavyBlue143

My Husband's two best friends are female, and he has a ton of female acquaintances. Women feel safe around him because he is a kind, considerate person. His bachelor party getaway was even co-ed. I didn't care. I trust him, and he trusts me. We have no need for rules about interactions with the opposite sex because we both trust the other to know what is appropriate and what is not.

My H having a woman in his car without me present wouldn't bother me at all. Why would I only be able to trust him when I'm present?

CowgirlK39

Thanks for the insight. I did not know any of this was going on until the next morning when I got a message online from the gossip girl saying she saw another woman get in his truck. I rolled my eyes because it was from her but I still wanted the story verified. I spoke with DH and some people who were there and they all told me what really happened. I will add that I am uncomfortable with the whole idea of him meeting up with a girl and thats why I asked this. Like some PPs said, I find it inapproprite to call a random "friend" of the opposite sex out of the blue and go pick them up. We are going to talk about it tomorrow and try to work out a compromise that isn't saying he can't have friends but is also not hurting my feelings.

artbyallie

So, why are you uncomfortable with it simply because she's a woman and he's a man? I assume you're not bothered by him having male friends. Would you think it inappropriate for him to pick up a gay male friend? What about a gay female friend? Why does her gender suddenly make the situation suspect?

Kimbus22

Why are you putting "friend" in parenthesis?  It really seems like this is more about your insecurity than your husband's appropriateness in his relationships.  Is he not allowed to have a friend with no parenthesis unless that friend has a penis? 

He should have told you where he was and who he was with.  But that's the only thing he did wrong.  You're making a big deal out of the wrong part of this situation by focusing on the fact that his friend is female.

EastCoastBride

Kimbus22 said:

Why are you putting "friend" in parenthesis?  It really seems like this is more about your insecurity than your husband's appropriateness in his relationships.  Is he not allowed to have a friend with no parenthesis unless that friend has a penis? 

He should have told you where he was and who he was with.  But that's the only thing he did wrong.  You're making a big deal out of the wrong part of this situation by focusing on the fact that his friend is female.

Ditto all of this.

tiffanysbride

So from your followup and OP I get the impression that this isn't actually a friend but a random person you've never really heard about before this incident. You say in OP you don't know her, that I think is the problem.  I would not be okay with DH deciding while I was OOT to hang out with a girl he's never really mentioned and I don't know and then doesn't mention anything about it. I know DH would feel the same way. It is clear that you are not okay with the situation and that is okay. If I were you I would try to think through what is actually bothering you and why, then talk to him.  

Leftie22

tiffanysbride said:

So from your followup and OP I get the impression that this isn't actually a friend but a random person you've never really heard about before this incident. You say in OP you don't know her, that I think is the problem.  I would not be okay with DH deciding while I was OOT to hang out with a girl he's never really mentioned and I don't know and then doesn't mention anything about it. I know DH would feel the same way. It is clear that you are not okay with the situation and that is okay. If I were you I would try to think through what is actually bothering you and why, then talk to him.  

I agree. I'd be a little skeptical of my DH going out with a woman that I've never heard him mention and have never met. I also wouldn't feel right going out myself with a guy that my DH has never met and doesn't even know that I'm friends with. (I don't really even see how that could happen - if I was good enough friends with someone to hang out with them, male or female, I can't imagine never mentioning that person to my DH.) If she was someone I knew, I probably wouldn't care as much. I think the fact that it all happened when you couldn't attend also makes it seem a little strange.

ReturnOfKuus

So in other words, deep down, you think your husband is spinning a tale to cover his tracks and his friends are backing him up.

lifeonthehill

I have to say that after about three months of marriage nothing has really changed from when we were dating. 

When he is going somewhere with females and I am not around he keeps his phone on him and answers promptly and when hes going to be late he tells me. Not that I text him constantly or anything. This helps me feel more confident in him being out. 

He took a "date" to a fancy dinner party we were supposed to attend together last week while I was sick in bed. He asked if he could bring her because she isn't high enough up in the office to be invited and she was bummed. I said of course.

For me, I don't spend a lot of time with other males while he is not around but when I go to my home town I have a large group of guy friends that I always get together for dinner and drinks and H has honestly never had any interest in tagging along to check it out.  He has met them and trusts me so what else is there to say?

I wouldn't be a bit uncomfortable if he was spending time with someone I have never met but we haven't had that problem yet and if it comes up I will meet her when I get the chance and she will be just like ll of the other women he spends time with. 

cloudymeatballs

CowgirlK39 said:

Thanks for the insight. I did not know any of this was going on until the next morning when I got a message online from the gossip girl saying she saw another woman get in his truck. I rolled my eyes because it was from her but I still wanted the story verified. I spoke with DH and some people who were there and they all told me what really happened. I will add that I am uncomfortable with the whole idea of him meeting up with a girl and thats why I asked this. Like some PPs said, I find it inapproprite to call a random "friend" of the opposite sex out of the blue and go pick them up. We are going to talk about it tomorrow and try to work out a compromise that isn't saying he can't have friends but is also not hurting my feelings.

See, I would be upset about the situation since he did NOT tell me about it until I heard it from someone else.  That was wrong on his part.  You should not have to ask about  a night, where he picked up some random girl, friend of his, but you do not know.  Even though you trust your H, and don't think he would cheat doesn't make it okay, in my eyes anyways.  Some people on here don't mind and that is totally fine for them.  But no way.  I would have been pretty upset that he didn't tell me!  Not cool.  How would he like it if the roles were reversed?  He would question it!!!  At least you would think he would... 

CowgirlK39

So from your followup and OP I get the impression that this isn't actually a friend but a random person you've never really heard about before this incident. You say in OP you don't know her, that I think is the problem.  I would not be okay with DH deciding while I was OOT to hang out with a girl he's never really mentioned and I don't know and then doesn't mention anything about it. I know DH would feel the same way. It is clear that you are not okay with the situation and that is okay. If I were you I would try to think through what is actually bothering you and why, then talk to him.  

Yes, this is what I am saying. I know he didn't do anything with her, all his friends verified that and I trust them all. That's not the point. The point is that I just do not think its appropriate for him to talk to a girl he used to work with when he was 15 years old, and in the 5 years we have been together I have never once heard her name. We did have a talk though and I told him how this all made me feel. He explained that it was never his intention for this to look shady. He occasionally talks to this girl on Facebook, just as I do with some friends from high school. He saw that she went through a bad break up and figured she would be a good fit for his buddy. I told him that the whole thing was just not a good idea and she apologized. He said he never told me about it because he figured it wasn't the big deal it came out to be.

artbyallie

I'm really still not seeing why this is such a big deal and a bad idea to you. Why does it even matter if you don't know her? Would it be the same big deal if she was instead a he? What is it about her possession of a vagina that makes this not okay in your eyes?

tiffanysbride

artbyallie said:

I'm really still not seeing why this is such a big deal and a bad idea to you. Why does it even matter if you don't know her? Would it be the same big deal if she was instead a he? What is it about her possession of a vagina that makes this not okay in your eyes?

The way he went about it is shady. OP was OOT and her husband went out with a high school/FB friend he hasn't seen in 5 years without mentioning his plans. You also have to take into account what the norm for the couple/person.

For me, if I were OOT and DH went out without mentioning his plans and then I found out they included a person I had never heard of (girl or guy) I would defiantly question it. It would be out of character for him, he goes out with friends once a month and always with the same people. I can see where OP is coming from and why it bothers her.

lisa2008boo

We don't hang out with friend of the opposite sex unless it is in a group setting and they are usually mutual friends we both share and know. After getting married the making friends of the opposite sex thing stopped. I believe it is disrespectful to target those types of friendships and can be inviting trouble into your marriage. Ex's are 100% off limits I trust my husband and we have never had an issues with cheating, but we don't believe in putting temptation in our path either we don't openly invite trouble in our marriage. We believe in protecting out marriage and bringing people in who once had sexual feelings for is an open invite to issues we don't need or want. 

GilliC

lisa2008boo said:

We don't hang out with friend of the opposite sex unless it is in a group setting and they are usually mutual friends we both share and know. After getting married the making friends of the opposite sex thing stopped. I believe it is disrespectful to target those types of friendships and can be inviting trouble into your marriage. 

Why is this restricted to male-female relationships? Couldn't one of your friends harbor inappropriate feelings for you? What makes same-sex friendships immune to these issues and opposite-sex friendships allegedly so susceptible to them?

sillygoosegirl

Nothing seems wrong with this situation, except that you didn't hear about it until after it happened. And perhaps you only heard about it because of the FB message you got. Is that normal for you guys? When I travel for work, DH and I still talk everyday, about our days, our plans, etc. Trying to set up some old friends certainly seems like something odd to not talk about.

artbyallie

GilliC said:

lisa2008boo said:

We don't hang out with friend of the opposite sex unless it is in a group setting and they are usually mutual friends we both share and know. After getting married the making friends of the opposite sex thing stopped. I believe it is disrespectful to target those types of friendships and can be inviting trouble into your marriage. 

Why is this restricted to male-female relationships? Couldn't one of your friends harbor inappropriate feelings for you? What makes same-sex friendships immune to these issues and opposite-sex friendships allegedly so susceptible to them?

I was trying to make this point and everyone ignored it. Why is it so many people think men and women can't be friends without sex? Most of H's friends tend to be women and so fucking what?! He's not going to do anything inappropriate, whether I'm there or not.

lisa2008boo

GilliC said:

lisa2008boo said:

We don't hang out with friend of the opposite sex unless it is in a group setting and they are usually mutual friends we both share and know. After getting married the making friends of the opposite sex thing stopped. I believe it is disrespectful to target those types of friendships and can be inviting trouble into your marriage. 

Why is this restricted to male-female relationships? Couldn't one of your friends harbor inappropriate feelings for you? What makes same-sex friendships immune to these issues and opposite-sex friendships allegedly so susceptible to them?

I suppose they could but as of right now I don't have any gay friends. So for us at this point in our life the concern is with male and female relationships. Bottom line is if anything came up that threatened our marriage it would be dropped right away our marriage comes first and we will protect it.

CowgirlK39

The point here is that's its shady all together. It was bad that he didn't tell me and that it caused some side-eye from people who saw him with her. If he was hanging out with a guy I had never heard of and didn't tell me the guy was there, I'd be just as confused but obviously not concerned about what else could happen. I am more annoyed that he didn't tell me this was going on, and more annoyed that I found out about it from the town blabber. (ETA clarity)

Kimbus22

CowgirlK39 said:

The point here is that's its shady all together. It was bad that he didn't tell me and that it caused some side-eye from people who saw him with her. If he was hanging out with a guy I had never heard of and didn't tell me the guy was there, I'd be just as confused but obviously not concerned about what else could happen. I am more annoyed that he didn't tell me this was going on, and more annoyed that I found out about it from the town blabber. (ETA clarity)

Now it seems like you're contradicting yourself here.  You say it's just shady in general because he didn't tell you about it but that you'd be confused but not concerned if he'd done the exact same thing with a male friend.  You seem more concerned with it being a woman and with what others who saw them think.  Which makes it seem like you just don't trust him in general.  Is there reason not to or do you have insecurities regarding cheating?