Married Life
cloudymeatballs
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Every time i ask him a question....
in Married Life
Why does my H get so mad with me when I ask him anything?? I mean, anything.... I don't know everything that goes on in my H's life, so I will ask him about it. He flips out! WHat the hell?? I heard him talking with someone the other day, about work, and he just had said he was dealing with whoever. I was like okay, but he told me he was dealing with this other person. Not a big deal, I didn't really care, but I decided to ask him about it. Just out of curiosity. He flipped out!!! ??? Am I wrong for being a little upset and confused here??
Re: Every time i ask him a question....
Has he always been defensive or is this a recent thing? Is he just defensive if you ask him who he's on the phone with or is he defensive about other stuff as well? Just trying to gauge how serious the situation is. Perhaps he's under a lot of stress from work? Regardless,that doesn't give him the right to be rude.
And no, I have never had this problem with my H ever. Can't speak for anyone else here though.
It seems as if he has gotten worse since we've been married. Its only work!!! I understand stress, but its extremely rude of him. He says its like I'm attacking him, and no, its simply my asking a simple question that I don't know the answer to. He takes it all, when it comes to work, as if I am accusing him of something. He says that all the time, where I am not accusing him of anything. Just a question about work seems to mean an argument. Which I am still trying to understand why.
Hmm, that is strange. I don't really understand why he takes the questions as accusations. What are you asking him? General "how's that xyz project going?" Or "how was work today." Because I really don't see how that could be accusing or something to blow up over. Maybe you can tell us more about it, or what exactly he thinks you're accusing him of?
Well he works with some people I am not too fond of. We used to argue about that, I have gotten over it. Even though we have talked about it and I told him I don't care about those people and just want to have a normal marriage, lol, actually talking about each other's lives, work etc. I no longer ask about anything other than normal stuff. Which is how is whatever going, or whats on tap for today? Just normal conversation. It seems when I ask him, like yesterday not a big deal, at all.
We were at his parents. He is doing this job for some famous dude. Right on, I asked him the other day if he gets to work with this guy, he said no, he has been dealing with his maid/housekeeper. So right on. Yesterday he's telling his parents about it, and they ask him the same question I did. He says no, he's been dealing with his wife. Again, not a big deal. But today, I asked him about it. Just asked, oh do you get to work with his wife? Or the maid?? Just out of curiosity. I think that's pretty cool, working with whoever, but he FLIPPED OUT. Right away starts cursing at me, yelling on the phone saying how immature I am. Here I am, thinking, what the heck just happened here???
Was I wrong? I mean, if I was tell me. I don't get it. Its like I cannot question anything when it comes to work without him freaking out on me....
This was basically just my asking him
Do you think he's giving you half truths to avoid having to talk about these people? I ask because his behavior is really odd, I can't help but feel he's hiding something. Not necessarily something bad. But maybe he's feeling like he can't be totally honest because of the past. And he's frustrated and lashing out.
THis is exactly what he says. I have not brought that crap up in months. It is him who brings it up anytime I ask a question. That is just the problem. I have gone over and over with him about how I am over it. I don't ask about those people, ever. I avoid that at all possible means. Its now, sure its happened, I was upset about those things for a while, don't care anymore. He still flips out everytime I ask him anything regarding work. Simple, he then brings up the whole I used to bring her up and ask things. Now how do we get over my asking a simple thing and him getting over feeling accused all of the time. ???
At first I understood why he was getting upset and lashing out at me. I worked on it and got over it. Now, I am just tryig to have a marriage. He needs to work on his side of the whole thing...It really sucks having to wait and wonder if he is going to take a question about work totally to the head. Ugghh
Question... This person you don't like, does he still work with her on a regular basis? Would you be uncomfortable or upset if she was brought up? I get that you don't ask about her directly, but if she's part of the story would it ruffle your feathers? If yes, well maybe you need to work on that. If no, then he needs to know!
He's perpetuating the problem right now. He needs to work with you on finding a solution.
Maybe he is thinking you're being nosy, maybe he just doesn't want to answer questions.
I suggest a counselor to tune up your communication skills. Do this before the entire issue gets out of hand.
He does still work with these people, yet not directly. They are in his office, but he said he doesn't deal with them. They do a different part of work. I asked him if he ever had to work with these people to just let me know. I understand its work. I just would like to know what is going on. If I found out he was not telling me they were a part of the story, then yes I would be upset. I have asked for openness and total honesty. I do mine, I expect him to do his as well.
There is no real conversation. It is nothing at all. It is him flipping out about nothing. Just happens when it comes to his work. If I'm just being nosey whatever, I don't get the problem. He could ask me whatever he wants, I'll answer, even if I don't like the answer. Lol, I'm way open. We do work on our communication skills. They are awesome until "his work" gets involved.
Lately it has started to bleed over into other areas of our lives, for example my husband asked me what I wanted to watch on TV while I was checking my work email and because I was already mentally overloaded I ripped into him and told him to stop asking stupid questions and why can't he ever make a decision on his own etc etc.
I don't know if this is what is happening with you and your husband, but if it is then it might help to discuss it. My husband knows what my issues are and he is very patient, he says he doesn't get upset about it as he knows I am not really angry with him, he is just there when I am angry. At the same time I know the way I am treating him is totally unacceptable and I'm getting counselling and medication to try and deal with it. If your husband is stressed to this extent you both need to know about it and you should both think about getting some help if it's not a temporary situation.
He needs to cut this out. Demand a counselor so Mr. Touchy can get over his communication bump.
Thanks everyone. We sat down and talked. I let him know where I am coming from and how I understand why he would react in a wrong way, yet also told him how he cant keep going back on what happened, as in the past. If anything too, I have every right to ask any question. I do have a right to question certain things, since he has lied about things regarding those people. I could ask a million questions a day. yet I don't. I don't need that worry in my mind, so I choose to trust him about it, since we are now married, I don't think he would do anything to ruin it.
WE did talk and he said he needs to work on himself a lot when it comes to this. I told him that we both need to work on things together and if there is a problem, whatever it is, we neeed to sort it out and figure a way to work it out. Well now I am hoping next time it ends up as a normal conversation and not a blow up. I do understand it takes time, and I am totally cool with that, as long as its not too long.
Thanks again everyone for your advice. I truly appreciate it. I may be back later to letcha know how things are...
xoxo
Ya we sure do. I do want to know, if someone has lied to you about something at least a few times, and you do know that he tried hiding it, yet he still does work with this person he tried to say he had no relations with... How long would it take to actually believe them about it? I mean, telling me he already had no relations with a certain coworker, yet learning several times they did. He swears he doesn't any more, but I wonder, actually because of these types of situations if he is hiding something. I don't want to go crazy, but that is exactly what happens here.
We have talked, but I am just wondering this on my own....
Wait a minute....when you say 'relations', was this something that happened while you were together? And you say that he hid it before? I'm curious to know now what exactly happened here.....
Did this happen when you two were together? If so he needs to come clean. You can't get past infidelity without complete honesty. If this was before you were together, let it go. While I agree that he shouldnt have lied do you really want to know anyway? You married him, right? If it's old news you need to drop it.
I'm confused too. If he has done something inappropriate with a coworker and then lied about it, and lied about still working with her, I'd have a huge problem with that. It also explains why you questioning him about who he's working with makes him so angry - because he's done things to be guilty about in the past. But I feel like we're missing the main part of the story. There's obviously more going on here than him just randomly freaking out when you ask him about work.
Whoa whoa whoa, no he never cheated on me. We would not even be having this discussion if he did. That is a deal breaker for me big time. Whether we were married or before. No, just he said he had no relationship at all with this girl, yet would still get random texts from her he would try to act as if he didn't. The thing is, I told him right away that if they were friends then cool, just don't lie about it. A lie causes questioning, for me. Just he lied about her a few times and It rowled my feathers. I don't do well with lies no matter how big or small. Especially when they involve some other woman. I'm very open and honest and just didn't understand why he would lie to me about them having a relationship.
I never thought he would cheat on me with her, that was never a thought. Just him being dishonest about it, really has stuck with me. Its one of those questions that sit far in the back of my mind is all...
Well, here's the thing though - he didn't cheat with her, fine, but did he have a relationship with her at all? And if so, why would he even lie about it? Are you the super jealous type who would hang this over his head even if it were a relationship he had prior to you? This does not excuse him from lying about it - lying for me is a dealbreaker - but I'm just trying to figure out why he would lie about this person at all. Something does not add up. And honestly, if this woman is sending him texts, depending on the nature of those texts, if this is something that makes you uncomfortable, he should cease contact with her. I mean, if he works with her, it's kind of hard to avoid contact, but then it should only be work related.
I have no problem with married people being friends with members of the opposite sex, but it needs to be appropriate in nature. If one is not comfortable with a relationship their spouse has with someone, it needs to be discussed in an adult manner and come to some resolution that satisfies both parties.
And I still stand by my comment about procreating until these issues are resolved. I think if your H is screaming at you for asking him a simple question about this person, you need to resolve this before bringing a child into the mix. Do you want your child to grow up in a house where they think this is acceptable behavior from a partner?