Every time i ask him a question....

JemmaWRX

When you say you KNOW he's lying do you actually know, without a shadow of doubt? Or do you have strong suspicions, an intuition? They are two different things. Texting alone doesn't equate to past relationship (assuming the messages are innocuous).

Not that I'm condoning his alleged dishonesty but if you are/were the type to go apeshit over a past relationship I can at least understand why he would want to avoid that. Be honest, do you have trust issues? Are you a jealous person?

I might be in the minority but I feel like the past is none of my business anyway. I admit I might feel differently if my husband was working with an old fling though.

GilliC

Is this his ex we're talking about again? Have you lightened up about the general freaking out over her very existence?

If you freaked out over her as much as you implied back in August, maybe he's afraid to talk about work at all, because he's afraid it will be a one-way ticket to Crazy Town.

You claimed before that you guys had talked through some of these issues, but if he's still going off on you whenever you ask about work, I think you have huge problems and need some serious couples therapy. Either he's a total jackass who yells at you for no reason, or he's hiding something. Which also makes him a jackass.

Bottom line, he needs to stop yelling at you. And you need to make it very clear that you're over his ex.

cloudymeatballs

R.Wilsonny said:

cloudymeatballs said:

 

Whoa whoa whoa, no he never cheated on me. We would not even be having this discussion if he did.  That is a deal breaker for me big time. Whether we were married or before.  No, just he said he had no relationship at all with this girl, yet would still get random texts from her he would try to act as if he didn't.  The thing is, I told him right away that if they were friends then cool, just don't lie about it.  A lie causes questioning, for me.  Just he lied about her a few times and It rowled my feathers.  I don't do well with lies no matter how big or small.  Especially when they involve some other woman.  I'm very open and honest and just didn't understand why he would lie to me about them having a relationship.

I never thought he would cheat on me with her, that was never a thought.  Just him being dishonest about it, really has stuck with me.  Its one of those questions that sit far in the back of my mind is all... 

 

Well, here's the thing though - he didn't cheat with her, fine, but did he have a relationship with her at all? And if so, why would he even lie about it? Are you the super jealous type who would hang this over his head even if it were a relationship he had prior to you? This does not excuse him from lying about it - lying for me is a dealbreaker - but I'm just trying to figure out why he would lie about this person at all. Something does not add up. And honestly, if this woman is sending him texts, depending on the nature of those texts, if this is something that makes you uncomfortable, he should cease contact with her. I mean, if he works with her, it's kind of hard to avoid contact, but then it should only be work related.

I have no problem with married people being friends with members of the opposite sex, but it needs to be appropriate in nature. If one is not comfortable with a relationship their spouse has with someone, it needs to be discussed in an adult manner and come to some resolution that satisfies both parties.

And I still stand by my comment about procreating until these issues are resolved. I think if your H is screaming at you for asking him a simple question about this person, you need to resolve this before bringing a child into the mix. Do you want your child to grow up in a house where they think this is acceptable behavior from a partner?

He and this girl, worked closely together.  I was totally fine with it, no big deal. Later I found out his ex worked at his job.  I then found out that this girl and his ex were great friends.  I was ok, if they are friends, then right on.  I get it, some people stay friends with their exes, while some do not.  I asked him about it, and he told me that they had no relationship, at all.  This girl he worked with, the friend, some facebook crap, tried getting in the middle of us by saying things to him, about me.  I am wide open and honest. I don't hide anything, no reason to, this is who I am.  Well she tried to start up some problems between me and my now H.  It seemed to me as if this girl may have some sort of crush or something, because if she was a good friend, she wouldn't have been happy for the guy.  Well anyways, I just told him how I felt about this girl, if he was going to remain friends with the girl, all power to him.  He ended up telling me that she was a shitty person, that he didn't need her in his life, not a good friends, just a co worker.  Whatever, right.  SO I said, ok that's fine. 

Later months later a text disappeared from his phone, I heard it, he deleted it.  It was her and he didn't want me to get upset about it, so he deleted it.  I told him then, that I didn't care if they were still talking/friends, and he told me he wasn't, it was just some question she wanted to ask. I let it go.  Months later, similar thing, him telling me he didn't talk with the girl and them texting.  I just got so annoyed with it.  Told him, youre friends with this girl.  I get it.  He just kept claiming they weren't.  SO here we are now. 

When we fight, he will bring up how I used ot get upset about those things.  He doesn't get is that it was the lies, not even what it was about.  So now when I ask a question about anything work related, it has turned into this.  I have not asked him about these people in  a long time.  I just figure, hey , if he's going to talk with these people he's going to do it.  It s his choice.  I just want to move on and get over this lame crap.  Have a normal marriage wher yo can ask and talk about work.

JemmaWRX

I'm confused... Do you believe he had a relationship (beyond friendship) with his ex's friend? Or do you believe it was just a friendship which he also denies? My husbands coworker texts him from time to time about work stuff and I don't consider them friends. Maybe you guys have a different definition if friendship?

I'm curious why he felt the need to delete the text messages? What came first? Are you inherently jealous which caused him to respond with secrecy? Or did he start by deleting messages causing insecurity/suspicion for you?

FTR I hope I'm not being accusatory about you potentially being the jealous type. Just trying to get a better grasp on what caused the issue.

Disneygeek77

People he works with his ex wife.  They also live in the home where he used to live with said ex wife.

I'm just going to go ahead and say it.  I think his over reaction is due to her nagging him about working with his ex wife and he had gotten sick of it.   

R.Wilsonny

Disneygeek77 said:

People he works with his ex wife.  They also live in the home where he used to live with said ex wife.

I'm just going to go ahead and say it.  I think his over reaction is due to her nagging him about working with his ex wife and he had gotten sick of it.   

Thanks for clearing up. I think I do remember the thread about the exwife now....

OP, if you are still freaking out over the whole thing with your H working with his exwife and living in the same house that she once lived in, you should really stop. She's his ex for a reason, so just leave him alone about her. Unless there is something you just have not told us, but this makes you look crazy and insecure. Little girls behave this way, not grown ass women.

Your H should not be lying to you, and certainly not screaming at you, sure, so since this is an ongoing problem, I really suggest counseling. And I'm going to say it again - you need to clear these issues up now before you have kids. Why on earth are you even thinking of bringing a child into this mess? It is not going to magically make this issue or your insecurities disappear.

 

 

JemmaWRX

In fairness to the OP, he can't keep punishing her for old shit.  He has to give her the chance to correct past bad behavior.  He can't anticipate a fight every time she asks an innocent question.

OP - I think both of your are exacerbating this whole thing.  You need to drop the "he lied about their friendship" issue.  People define friendship differently.  He might see her simply as a co-worker and just because she texted him a handful of times doesn't mean there's something more.  And he needs to give you a fair shot.  I totally understand his frustration.  But if you both agreed to move on, he needs to actually move on.

Leftie22

I get the feeling that you're telling your DH you're okay with stuff, when you're really not. He can tell that you're really not okay with it, so he's hiding it. Neither behavior is very healthy. If you're really not okay with him texting this friend of his ex, tell him honestly. At least that way he knows where he stands. If he decides to keep texting with her, you're going to have to decide if you can handle that or not. But saying it's okay and then being upset about it isn't getting you anywhere, and your DH is obviously hiding things to avoid upsetting you. Only you can know if what he's hiding is worth being upset about, or if it's innocent. Time for an honest talk!

cloudymeatballs

I am not still freaking out about that.  I am over it.  It does not matter anymore.  That is it.   We have talked about this several times.  The same exact thing. I will ask him something in regards to work and this will get brought up because he will flip out and assume that that was what I was referring to.  WHen all it is is a simple curiosity question.  We talk about it, and he gets my side and that I don't bring it up anymore, and then he says he understands and he will work on it.  Then, here we go again. 

cloudymeatballs

Leftie22 said:

I get the feeling that you're telling your DH you're okay with stuff, when you're really not. He can tell that you're really not okay with it, so he's hiding it. Neither behavior is very healthy. If you're really not okay with him texting this friend of his ex, tell him honestly. At least that way he knows where he stands. If he decides to keep texting with her, you're going to have to decide if you can handle that or not. But saying it's okay and then being upset about it isn't getting you anywhere, and your DH is obviously hiding things to avoid upsetting you. Only you can know if what he's hiding is worth being upset about, or if it's innocent. Time for an honest talk!

At first I didn't care who he was texting.  After a bit of time, it started bothering me.  I let him know.  When something bothers me and I don't like it I will gladly say something.  He has stopped texting her.  That ended before we got engaged. 

cloudymeatballs

Disneygeek77 said:

People he works with his ex wife.  They also live in the home where he used to live with said ex wife.

I'm just going to go ahead and say it.  I think his over reaction is due to her nagging him about working with his ex wife and he had gotten sick of it.   

And this would be it, IF I were still nagging him about it. I'm dropping that so we can MOVE ON...  And he deserved the nagging when it was going on.  YOu may disagree, but I had the right to say something to him about it.  I no longer do, so him acting this way is not right.

 

cloudymeatballs

JemmaWRX said:

I'm confused... Do you believe he had a relationship (beyond friendship) with his ex's friend? Or do you believe it was just a friendship which he also denies? My husbands coworker texts him from time to time about work stuff and I don't consider them friends. Maybe you guys have a different definition if friendship? I'm curious why he felt the need to delete the text messages? What came first? Are you inherently jealous which caused him to respond with secrecy? Or did he start by deleting messages causing insecurity/suspicion for you? FTR I hope I'm not being accusatory about you potentially being the jealous type. Just trying to get a better grasp on what caused the issue.

And it wasn't work related things. It was personal things, like how did this weekend go how was vegas with your friends etc. 

GilliC

You should be able to talk to your husband about anything. And I do mean anything. From "My menstrual flow seems very abnormal this month, and it's worrying me, so I'm going to make an appointment with my gyno," to "If I end up brain-dead after an accident, I want you to pull the plug and donate my organs."

"How was work?" or "What did you do today?" should be absolute non-issues.

I can understand snapping if he's tired, because sometimes I need quiet decompression time, but that should be followed almost immediately by an unconditional apology.

You two need to fix these problems together, or you need to start thinking about walking away.

cloudymeatballs

GilliC said:

You should be able to talk to your husband about anything. And I do mean anything. From "My menstrual flow seems very abnormal this month, and it's worrying me, so I'm going to make an appointment with my gyno," to "If I end up brain-dead after an accident, I want you to pull the plug and donate my organs."

"How was work?" or "What did you do today?" should be absolute non-issues.

I can understand snapping if he's tired, because sometimes I need quiet decompression time, but that should be followed almost immediately by an unconditional apology.

You two need to fix these problems together, or you need to start thinking about walking away.

Oh I know.  And I do talk about everything.  I'm not shy.  He says he want to work on this, and he wants to try.  He asks me to be patient, and I will be glad to, its just difficult with the same argument all the time. It makes it difficult to move on.  Well we will continue to work on this. I am not walking away unless I was to find out ever he was cheating on me or hit me.  Those are my only excuses to leave.  We will stick this out, it is a patch that we will work on.  WE love each other and will do whatever it takes.  

cloudymeatballs

He does apologize as do I when I am wrong.  Just sucks having the same thing over and over and over again...  frustrating...

JemmaWRX

Why not go to counseling? I feel like you exhaust so much effort into "working on it" and you get the same result, it's time to take a different path.

Anyway I wish you guys the best of luck.