In law question- honest opinions needed please!!

bri123abc

Hi everyone
So my youngest brother Rob recently married a Fairly young woman named Kate whom he had been dating for a few years. I do not know her well or her story but i think she comes from a difficult background and while ive never asked her about it i think her siblings are deceased from an out of state accident when she was a child unfortunately. Recently our extended family were all at a public event including Rob and Kate. We happened to run into Rob's ex girlfriend Lori. They are not friends but Rob said hello to Lori and introduced her to Kate. I hadn't seen Lori in quite a long time so her and I went off to chat and catch up for a while. When Lori had to leave a while later, Kate was standing beside me and told Lori it was nice to meet her and said goodbye. I asked Lori for her phone number and made plans to hang out with her in front of Kate.

Afterwards, Kate contacted me privately and expressed what a nice girl Lori seemed like and she could see why I liked her, and that it was no business of hers who I am friends with, but as a new member of the family it hurt her feelings that it was done in front of her and that she felt akward and did I dislike her? And said it felt like i do not want to get to know her.

I told her she was making up excuses to not be more involved with me and the family, that I did nothing wrong, and how much I like Lori and have always liked hanging out with Lori and that I was excited to make plans with her after not seeing her for so long, and I did not apologize. Whenever I see Kate she is always polite but seems very uneasy around me and stays away and generally avoids me. I don't get it. Was I honestly in the wrong or out of line or was she just needlessly taking her issues and insecurities out on me?

TattieSoup

I don't think you were in the wrong to make plans with Lori in front of Kate, but when Kate contacted you it would have been nice to be reassuring. You could have said that you were sorry to hurt her feelings even though you don't think you did anything wrong, and made clear that the fact that you still consider Lori a friend is not a reflection on Kate or a threat to her position as your brother's wife.

From what you have written here it sounds like you might have been a bit aggressive/defensive with Kate and maybe you give her reason to be uneasy? Even if you don't like her as much as Lori perhaps you could make some effort to spend time with her too and make her feel welcome to the family.

crystaldbl

bri123abc said:

Hi everyone
So my youngest brother Rob recently married a woman named Kate whom he had been dating for a few years. I do not know her well. Recently our extended family were all at a public event including Rob and Kate. We happened to run into Rob's ex girlfriend Lori. They are not friends but Rob said hello to Lori and introduced her to Kate. I hadn't seen Lori in quite a long time so her and I went off to chat and catch up for a while. When Lori had to leave a while later, Kate was standing beside me and told Lori it was nice to meet her and said goodbye. I asked Lori for her phone number and made plans to hang out with her in front of Kate.

Afterwards, Kate contacted me privately and expressed what a nice girl Lori seemed like and she could see why I liked her, and that it was no business of hers who I am friends with, but as a new member of the family it hurt her feelings that it was done in front of her and that she felt akward and did I dislike her?

I told her she was making up excuses, that I did nothing wrong, and how much I like and have always liked hanging out with Lori, and I certainly did not apologize. Whenever I see Kate she is always polite but seems very uneasy around me and stays away. I don't get it. Was I honestly in the wrong or out of line?

Making up excuses for what? Has something else happened between you two?

bri123abc

No

hersheykiss21

When the first message came in you should have made a point of meeting in person.  You just opened yourself to odd email communication in the future.  Handling things over a cup of coffee directly might be your best bet to curb drama in the future.  Next time you receive a message (and there will likely be another since the ball has begun rolling..) make of point of calling in response to set a time to meet.  This way she will think twice (and possibly edit more) before sending a message knowing the action will be followed up with direct one on one contact.  In person you might have also understood better where her insecurity came from rather then interpreting words.  Bummer you're dealing with awkward turtles

bri123abc

PnkBride

Your SIL sounds insecure, but you don't sound all warm and fuzzy.  You could have been a little nicer to her. She is new to the family, would it hurt you to make plans to spend a little time with her and get to know her? JMHO

bri123abc

crystaldbl

I don't think you were in the wrong & she definitely has no right to tell you who to be friends with. But put yourself in her shoes. She probably felt a bit insecure. How would you feel if your husbands sister totally loves his ex girlfriend but hasn't even taken the time to get to know you. Maybe you two should hang out a bit. You may find that you really like her as well & it may help her to feel a bit more comfortable.

bri123abc

bri123abc

Maybride2

I kind of feel bad for Kate. Must suck to have your bitchy SIL make a big show of being long lost BFFs with your husband's ex while claiming to not have the time to get to know you when you've been in the family for a few years now.

crystaldbl

bri123abc said:

I think she may have mentioned something similar and I said I just don't have time to pay attention to her when I see her

That is extremely rude. Why are you so against getting to know her ?

 

bri123abc said:

At family events and such

I always thought family events were for connecting with your family & hate to tell you but she is now part of your family.

lisa2008boo

I don't think you necessarily did anything wrong it's one of those things you don't always think about in the moment. I think your mistake was in the way you handled your communication with your SIL. Being new to the family and not really knowing anyone she probably has a lot of doubts and and could be feeling vulnerable. You had the opportunity to reassure her in a time of need and maybe slowly start to build that relationship with her. Sounds to me like she was reaching out and maybe just needed you to tell her it was ok you do like her and want to get to know her and had no intention of hurting her feelings. Instead you got upset and jumped on a the defense you may have now put even more of a wall up between you two. 

At this point all you can do is apologize for the way you acted and start mending that relationship after all she isn't going anywhere you are family now. You might be surprised you guys might really grow to like one another and have a great relationship. You need to give her a chance though or you will never find out. 

Kimbus22

She's oversensitive and insecure.

But good god you seem like a terrible SIL.  All you needed to say was, "Oh I'm sorry you're feelings were hurt. I didn't realize how it would make you feel.  She and I have always been friends, it has nothing to do with how I feel about you."

You wouldn't have been apologizing for your actions.  You would have been apologizing for inadvertently hurting her feelings.  NOW you owe her a big apology for being such a wench to her.

bri123abc

bri123abc

bri123abc

Sorry didn't mean to double quote you. Yes oversensitive and insecure.

vpine

If you were my sis in law and you made plans to hang out with my husband's ex, I wouldn't like it.

Lori can be a nice girl and all but she's no longer part of Rob's life so I would stay away.

VOR

bri123abc said:

I think she may have mentioned something similar and I said I just don't have time to pay attention to her when I see her

Well now you just sound kind of bitchy.  She may be insecure, but you don't have to be mean to her. 

formerlyGDaisy09

bri123abc said:

I think she may have mentioned something similar and I said I just don't have time to pay attention to her when I see her at family events and it's nothing personal

This sounds deliberately mean, you should be welcoming her into the family. no wonder she's insecure. 

Sillygirl45

Your SIL dealt with her feelings in a very mature and open way. Your response was incredibly rude and dismissive. 

You may be friends with whomever you want, but you are being terrible to this girl. You have time for XGF, but no time to get to know SIL? You should have apologized for inadvertently hurting her feelings...though from your responses, I'm not sure it was inadvertent.

I'm not sure what this poor girl has done to you, but you should be ashamed of how you've treated her. You sound like the SIL from hell.

BulgariHeart

bri123abc said:

I think she may have mentioned something similar and I said I just don't have time to pay attention to her when I see her at family events and it's nothing personal

You sound like a peach.

Disneygeek77

You handled this very poorly.  Seriously, what is wrong with you ?

This is just such a strange post ?  Are you really the fiancee in this case ?  

bri123abc

Huh? OK if I handled it all wrong what next?

Disneygeek77

The post was written is such a way that you came across as a complete jerk.  People tend not to do that when they ask for opinions.  

Give that poor girl a sincere apology and make an effort to get to know her better.  

bri123abc

Thanks that wasn't my intent

Leftie22

bri123abc said:

Huh? OK if I handled it all wrong what next?

I think what's next is to apologize for hurting her feelings, even if you didn't mean to, and to make more of an effort to get to know her. The next time she's at a family event, make an effort to talk to her or sit by her at dinner, etc. I don't love my SIL, but I would never tell her I didn't have time to talk to her. I always make an effort to chat with her at family gatherings. You don't have to become best friends, or hang out one-on-one, just be more friendly and approachable when you do see her. Good luck!

bri123abc

Thank you. What do you think might happen if I just let it be and dont say anything and just accept the polite but large distance, because I know myself I didn't have bad intentions?

GilliC

bri123abc said:

Thank you. What do you think might happen if I just let it slide and dont say anything and just accept the polite but large distance, because I know myself I didn't have bad intentions?

What do I think might happen if you say nothing? Your SIL will feel like shit, and you will pat yourself on the back for being awesome enough to not hate her for misinterpreting your rude comments.

Just because you didn't have bad intentions doesn't mean you didn't hurt someone. If you tripped and spilled a cup of hot coffee on someone, would you "let it slide and don't say anything?" Because after all, you didn't have bad intentions.

Maybride2

If Kate has any self esteem and Rob cares for her, I don't think you need to worry about what to do next. I doubt you'll be seeing them much anymore anyway. If I were Rob I'd tell you to go fvck yourself, and if I were Kate I'd avoid you from here on out.