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Re: In law question- honest opinions needed please!!
You don't "let it slide". You fucked up. She's your family now. So you fix it.
You're an adult, I presume. So you act like one.
O.k., so going on the belief this is real (although I too wonder...), I'm going to break this down.
The things you've told us she or you have said:
Her: as a new member of the family it hurt her feelings that it was done in front of her and that she felt akward and did I dislike her? And said it felt like i do not want to get to know her.
You: I told her she was making up excuses, that I did nothing wrong, and how much I like Lori and have always liked hanging out with Lori, and I did not apologize. Whenever I see Kate she is always polite but seems very uneasy around me and stays away. I don't get it.
You: I think she may have mentioned something similar and asked if she did something to offend me because when she sees me i seem to ignore her when she tries to talk to me. I said I am too busy and just don't have time to pay attention to her when I see her at family events and it's nothing personal
REALLY look at all of this. She is questioning if you like her because you don't make time for her, and then later you tell us that you basically told her EXACTLY that. And then you actually wonder why she seems uneasy around you?
You're MEAN to her. How you can't see that amazes me. You make plenty of time to talk to his ex (in FRONT of her - which yes, is kind of rude. ANd I have a feeling done on purpose), but you flat out tell her that you "don't have time" for her.
Whether you want to admit it or not, but I think because she's "not the ex" (who you liked), you're purposely being mean to her. IT'S NOT HER FAULT that your brother and ex broke up. Stop taking it out on her.
if, IF, you can read all of this actually see who you are absolutely in the WRONG, then you absolutely have to go to her and sincerely apologize to her. (And if you can see how you're wrong, the apology will come naturally)
It would be great if you could do some true introspection.
But, if you can't see how you're wrong, and if you don't want to apologize, then no, don't bother. Don't waste HER time or HER feelings. Because if you can't truly see how you've been mean, then nothing will change. It will continue to come out in some way or another.
But know, moving forward, that you ARE being mean, you ARE rude.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If you behave like an ass and let it slide guess what's going to happen... You'll become one isolated ass that no one wants to waste time on.
Sure, she sounds possibly insecure. And also like she's TRYING to get along w/ her FIs family, including his sister (oh, the horror!).
This doesn't excuse YOUR behavior at all. You were incredibly rude and dismissive to her. And quite honestly, for the way you keep going around this - I think you know perfectly well that you were rude and you were rude on purpose. because she isn't his ex. You WANT her to feel bad. You WANT her to know you like his ex. You WANT her to know that you prefer his ex. You WANT her to know you can't be bothered with her.
I think you're using her insecurities against her.
I hope she's going to some forum and asking "Is my FSIL rude?" and people are telling her YES and to stop worrying about being your friend. I hope people are telling her that its' perfectly fine to keep a distant relationship w/ you - because you're not a nice person and she deserves better.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think she is just self-centered person. She was hoping to hear people say how she acted was okay. Wrong!
It might be MUD, BUT unfortunately I don't doubt there are people out there exactly like this
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Not the only one. After the last comment I thought this had to be MUD. Either that or she is one dense chick.
I don't think that she sounds insecure or overly sensitive at all. I truly don't understand where those who said that are coming from.
You FLAT OUT ADMIT that you don't bother with her when you see her, that you "don't have time" for her, that you don't know her that well because you don't care to. She called you out on your rude behavior in a very polite way.........she strikes me as being very secure, and very mature. She asked you if you have a problem with her.......because she's not an idiot and can tell that you don't like her.
The girl who makes a big show of giggling and talking with a guy's ex in front of his current SO is the one who is insecure about something.
BUT the more I read the OP's responses... yeah, I'm more in the camp that the FI isn't insecure but just forthright and honest. And making a genuine attempt to create a friendly relationship w/ her FSIL. With which all she's met w/ is attitude and "I don't have time for you.".
Yeah, I agree w/ your take, Maybride. The FSIL probably isn't the insecure one in this equation.
Regardless of her insecurity or sensitivity you were awful to her (on many occasions, it sounds like) so you should apologize and correct your poor behavior. It doesn't matter if she's sensitive because you're being a jerk and, what's worse, it sounds like your being a jerk on purpose because you liked his ex better.
But, I wouldn't fret too much. Pretty soon your brother won't be speaking to you so you won't have to worry about snubbing Kate.
Dear bri,
It was nice to see you recently. You have a really nice family I am happy to now be part of and someday have for my children. This may sound totally random but I just wanted to mention something-I don't know if this is true or not and I could be totally off, these are just my observations since we have met. There seems to be some tension and It seems as if I have offended you in some way? I am sorry if that happened. Sometimes I feel rather akward and ignored at family events, and if Rob and I have children I’d hate for them to pick up on this, as children can feel strain between adults. I know that you really don't know me and you certainly are not obliged to like me. I hope if there is a problem it can be solved if you have any negative feelings toward me. Please let me know if I am wrong so that I can work on that. I realize that I am sensitive and take things personally. Feeling like I am not part of the family, which I do, is not something I want any future children to pick up on, and so I wanted to tell you honestly that this is how I have sometimes viewed our interactions. I think you are a great sister to Rob so I didn't want to keep letting my feelings on this build up and would like to approach this proactively. I really appreciate the time you invited us over for brunch. That being said, perhaps you can see from my point of view that I didn’t really take it as wanting to get to know me, because the last time I saw you, you invited Lori to hang out with you. It is absolutely none of my business who you are friends with and I can see why you like her but it was done right in front of me and I felt rather insignificant as a new member of your family. That was painful to me. This is why I'd like to start fresh, so that when we get together, which I'd really like to do, it will be with a new perspective. I am looking forward to it, and I’d really like for you to come over and see our new house after it's built.
Kate
Kate,
i like you. I have asked you and Rob over for brunch and I have bought you gifts. I have a lot of work to do at family get togethers. This makes it hard for me to socialize. I wish I was able to talk more but I am too busy. Hopefully this will pass and I will soon be able to. If you feel I don’t pay attention to you at family events it is not something personal toward you. I have always really enjoyed spending time with Lori. I was thrilled to learn she had recently moved a county over and happily mentioned that we get together. I am sorry that you choose to improperly recall your facts. I thought I was being very sincere toward Lori and that has no impact on us. I am disappointed that you would use this as an excuse to refuse an invitation to come to my home. Hopefully this clears things up.
Bri
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10