Never Should Have Asked...

MuckeyMuck

So the other day my husband and I were just relaxing in bed... it was Saturday and we were actually able to sleep in. Somehow we got on the sex topic and I asked him if he has "pleasured himself" since we've been married and he said yeah... not all the time... hardely ever. That made me feel really insecure and like I haven't been doing my job as a wife and I felt like crap. I feel like you're husband shouldn't be doing that since he has you now... There are times when I do turn him down and I turn him down a lot more then he turns me down... maybe i shouldn't turn him down as much... not really asking for advice just wondering if i'm alone here?

DaBearsBride

Nope, my DH does it too. We both do. Sonetimes together and sometimes alone. He is being honest with you though so dont worry about his intentions. Just spread em more

artbyallie

Why the fuck would you care? Do you not masturbate, woman? I do. My husband does. It does not detract in the slightest from having sex together.

TarponMonoxide

Masturbation is normal and necessary--- yep, even if you are married, whether you are male or female.

I am taking it you do not masturbate.

So sorry you are missing out on a world of fun --- get the book "Sex for One" by Betty Dobson and explore yourself on your own.   You'll be glad you did...and you won't be so offended your H is masturbating.

Don't play that kind of mind game with yourself --- not worth it and no, he does not desire you any less.

lifeguard

MuckyMuck...........please spare us the drama queen pity party.

Kimbus22

Thank fucking god my H masturbates.  Ain't nobody got time to deal with him daily.  I have a job and a kid and I'm pregnant.

TarponMonoxide

This is a loaded question, as it were.

This is like you "getting on the topic of clothes" and you asking him "Does that blue dress with the cap sleeves make me look fat?"

What do you expect him to say?

Again: don't play that mind game with yourself -- and get some sex ed. Masturbation is healthy and normal and most everybody does it.

and for the record:

You're going to the Superbowl; that's fantastic

and

Your mother called; she asked you to stop over to help her move furniture.

It's not "You're husband shouldn't be doing that" but "your husband shouldn't be doing that."

Jennycolada

You definitely aren't the only woman (or man for that matter!) to feel threatened or insecure by your partner's sexual proclivities.

I feel like your emotions, however, are misguided. Studies have shown that people who enjoy a healthy sex life in a relationship (both with their partner AND alone) tend to have a better relationship, feel more fulfilled, and are more satisfied than those who are lacking one or both.

anabelle24

You're giving yourself a lot of grief over turning him down. It's going to be a very long lifetime together if you continue thinking/feeling this way. It's ok to turn him down if you're not feeling well (as long as you still maintain a healthy sex life and keep having fun regularly - and you still make an effort, because sometimes "I just don't feel like it" won't be a valid excuse) just as it's ok for him to turn you down if he's not in the mood. As for him fessing up that he sometimes masturbates, be glad he was honest about it and it's nothing to feel insecure about (though I can understand where your train of thought went when he told you this).

artbyallie

Actually, @anabelle24, "I just don't feel like it" is always a valid excuse. It's not okay for someone to expect their partner to engage in sexual activity when they're not in the mood. True, I will sometimes choose to do so when I am not fully feeling it, but it is still my choice and I do not feel guilted into it.

Jennycolada

Here here @anabyallie!

doeydo

I can sort of understand where you are coming from, but as PPs have said be glad that he is being honest.  Perhaps it would help you to talk to a therapist.

jtmh2012

Actually, @anabelle24, "I just don't feel like it" is always a valid excuse. It's not okay for someone to expect their partner to engage in sexual activity when they're not in the mood.

But just because you're not in the mood doesn't mean the other person is forced to go without.  If you refuse (which is your right), then the other person has every right to take care of matters in some form which includes self gratification.

artbyallie

jtmh2012 said:

Actually, @anabelle24, "I just don't feel like it" is always a valid excuse. It's not okay for someone to expect their partner to engage in sexual activity when they're not in the mood.

But just because you're not in the mood doesn't mean the other person is forced to go without.  If you refuse (which is your right), then the other person has every right to take care of matters in some form which includes self gratification.

I never said they didn't. They don't have the right to cheat, of course, if they're in a committed relationship, but certainly they can masturbate if so inclined. In fact, if I am not in the mood and H is, I will often help him by getting naked and/or making noises to assist his fantasies.

anabelle24

No one should be guilting anyone into having sex and I don't think that's what I was trying to say

To clarify, "I don't feel like it" multiplied over and over again can turn into a really bad habit of just simply never feeling like it.

We could make a list of what we think are valid excuses for not feeling like having sex and I could write the first 50 items down. But it's not always black and white and I think what's important is making an effort once in a while.

I've had times where *I* felt like it (like really, really felt like it) and was turned down (and even though the reason was valid) it pinched quite a bit.

anabelle24

artbyallie said:

In fact, if I am not in the mood and H is, I will often help him by getting naked and/or making noises to assist his fantasies.

Yes to this!

cutiepie0104

First off, if you know it will make you feel indifferent, DO NOT ASK! you will put yourself through so much heartache that isn't necessary. With that being said, you're not doing it wrong mane there are times when you aren't around that he is a little "randy". If it happened to me I would probably ask when, if often, then go from there. 

tamararachel2

I've never asked DH, but he has told me the few times he has done it. Or a time or two I sent him a naked pic and he then told me he used it to jerk off...big deal. We have daily sex as well so unless he's choosing to do that INSTEAD of having sex with you, then you shouldn't feel insecure about it at all. 

she22ybe22y

~O)

she22ybe22y

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MarySmithy

It's normal. Be thankful that he does it on his own rather than do it with another woman. A man has his needs and he knows that there are time he could not ask you for many reasons, like you say you're having your period or you're away.

moonprincessd

My husband does and I do too. It's totally natural. There is nothing wrong with masturbation. If you're not in the mood you're not, doesn't mean he can't go off and pleasure himself. You shouldn't do something you don't want to do for the sake of pleasing someone else. 

It's not like he's having an affair. What's with all this "my job as a wife" it's not a job to have sex with your husband, it's something you're supposed to enjoy. 

schuette2

artbyallie said:

In fact, if I am not in the mood and H is, I will often help him by getting naked and/or making noises to assist his fantasies.

Yes to this! 

If I've given the "I'm not in the mood" excuse, I've been known to follow up with "but you're welcome to try and help me change my mind." DH went on his first business trip this fall - lasted two weeks. He came home with a battery operated present for me, then told me he had to go back again in a week for another two week business trip. I made sure he had a photographic present to help him along since he'd been kind enough to help me. You need to learn help yourself so you can guide your husband - and trust me, it only gets better once you do. 

MuckeyMuck

Not trying to be a drama queen or throw any pity party. I'm newly married and was a virgin and I grew up with the mindset of masturbating was bad. Just trying to learn some things and wanted to ask if it was normally or not. Guess you can say naive. Thanks for all your input

lifeguard

   Naive isn't a bad word. Sorry I did not intend to insult or offend but it's always good to find out the mindset of the person.
  My son has dated two different "Drama Queens" and I'm still a little over sensitive from not choking either girl. 
  It's not your "job" to provide sex. It's your Husbands responsibility to boff you until YOU have several orgasms per session and YOU are satisfied .
   If you treat sex like a job and obligation instead of YOU wanting sex because YOU are horny and want to be satisfied. DH will loose enthusiasm.  DH wants to be the "man".
   Are you now comfortable with sex or still have some residual feelings from what they told you in church that sex is dirty and bad? Too many well meaning church people spins the "dirty sin" angle instead of not having sex "is a good way to stay out of trouble" angle.

Mrs.Rad888

The only people who get to weigh in about what's allowed within your marriage are you and your H. Since you are new to sex, it may take a while to figure out where you stand on certain things. But, it the only reason you are against something is because someone else told you that you should be, it's time to re-evaluate. It's OK to masturbate, normal even. Sometimes when DH and I are being lazy, we find it easier to mutually masturbate rather than get all hot and sticky with the usual lovemaking. And sometimes I masturbate when I'm having trouble falling asleep at night. Sometimes I watch porn and use that to get off, but I know that not everyone is OK with porn.

What I'm trying to say is that no one except you gets to dictate what your limits are, sex-wise. One of these days you may even find yourself in an open marriage, or polyamoury. Not everyone's cup of tea, but it just has to work for you and your H.

theholmanherd

Neither of us does. He used to when we dated, but I am available enough for him to be satisfied without seeking self-pleasures. We are also trying for a baby so that would be a waste for us :P

krzcoupon

I think it is very important to ask if you are being satisfied while your partner satisfies himself. If he is satisfying himself AND turning you down/you are not being satisfied then I think it is a problem.

MarriedLateBloomer

 I'm 46 and have never masturbated. I used to think it was gross but now just think it works for some and not for others.  I have no desire to masturbate so I don't do it.  My husband says he doesn't and I kind of believe him.  I would find evidence of it if he did I think.  I know he doesn't do it in the shower because I'm usually in the bathroom with him.  

I have two girls. One is still at home and under 18 and the other is married with a family.  They both masturbate and I'm ok with that.  Besides what business is it of mine.  

I think that there is nothing wrong with your husband pleasuring himself.  I don't think it necessarily says anything about your sex life.  I'm actually curious to see my husband doing it but haven't been able to talk him into it yet.  Although I wouldn't want to do it myself if he asked I would.  And then who knows, I might see the magic everyone else is talking about and come to the other side.  

NoneForUs

Try not to put too much pressure on yourself with unrealistic expectations. 

Many sexually satisfied married people masturbate. As long as it isn't negatively affecting your sex life, there is nothing to be offended or worried about. Nobody can be sexually available to their partner all the time. There will be times where one of you is too tired, ill etc.

My husband is a stallion and I still masturbate. He once asked me to play with myself in front of him because he finds that arousing. I was reluctant at first because I view masturbation as a private thing. On my last birthday, we went to a luxury hotel. I had too much wine and one thing led to another. My husband had a huge smile on his face after watching me. 

bennypb

This is entirely your own issue to get over, you already hit the nail on the head, you're insecure. It's entirely normal to masturbate, and totally fine if you don;t, but he obviously needs to from time to time. 

It's not a reflection on how much he loves you or how much you turn him on. It just depends on how high a persons sex drive is. It's not unusual to masturbate the same day you have sex even, some people just need release more than others. 

Try to see it more rationally and realise he still finds you sexy, and that in no way is it a replacement for you. You also shouldn;t feel like not having sex with him is the reason. if you're not in the mood that;s fine, but accept that he has a higher sex drive and it's not fair to be unrealistic with your expectations on his masturbating practices. Good luck, just try to relax a bit!