Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Rant - Being the "breadwinner"
To make an incredibly long story short, I married a drug addict six years ago, we are still married today. We own our own home, a condo in a nice area, the perfect size for us and our DD (she's 4). I've worked at the same job, full-time for the last six years, and other than odd-jobs here and there, I have been our only means of income for our entire marriage.
The marriage has been... awful. We've both made huge mistakes, about seven months ago I made it very clear that I no longer had a patience, I was done being a pushover and being manipulated. He's been clean and sober and in AA working the steps since.
I thought getting clean would give him more ambition to work, when he does work he's a hard worker, but trying to get him to get a job over the years has been so hopeless I gave up on that prospect long ago. He had been talking about going back to drilling during the holiday's so recently when the work was coming up I asked him about it again, he got very serious and told me he didn't want to go back to work anymore, he wanted to get his GED and go to school. That since I got a raise recently we are doing well financially speaking and would like to take this time to get a degree.
Now, on the surface this is good, right? I should be happy... but I'm not, I'm actually kind of upset for several reasons (and I'm aware some of these reasons are petty)
Number one, I don't really care about what he 'wants' to do anymore, he did what he wanted to do for the past six years! It's time to stop doing things he wants to do and start doing things he should do, which leads me to number two.
We have debt, we are not terribly hopelessly in debt, but it's more than I would like to have and most of it is a direct result of his addiction. I can pay all our bills every month, I can even start to pay off some of our debt, but it's not much and I don't have anything to put in savings at the end of the month... that's hardly financially stable in my mind. We've discussed this and he says he'll work part time while going to school... but his current part time job is so in inconsistent and pays so little that it hardly seems to cover his gas, but he insists this work will pick up. Our problem here is mostly that I don't trust him when he says he only got paid x amount of money, and that I don't trust this work to pick up and provide any gainful contributions to our income.
The third is that I'm jealous. I want to go to school, I even tried going to school when DD was younger. Most of the classes were online, which isn't an ideal way of learning for me, and the only actual degree available through online learning and night classes wasn't a degree I wanted, but I knew it would be my only chance and beggars can't be choosers...not only did he not help or support me at all during that time, but a specific incident with him kept me away from school for a week, and I was too embarrassed to talk to my professors about it so I just dropped out and gave up on that. That's not his fault, I understand that, but my point is he wants me to support him while he goes to school when I was never offered the same courtesy... and I know EXACTLY what I would go to school for if given the chance, so I'm jealous.
I don't know what the point of this post is, it's just a rant really. I'm just so frustrated with the slow progress. I'm tired of feeling stuck and I want to move on with my life, but I'm trying not to give up on this marriage, I'm trying to be fair without being a fool and it's just incredibly hard to make out that line.
Thank you for listening, typing this all out does really feel good.
Re: Rant - Being the "breadwinner"
I think you need to ask yourself if your H is a good bet fore marriage in the long run. To me, he is not. That's my opinion.
Have you told him all this? Because honestly - every single one of those points is valid. It's YOUR turn to do something YOU want.
If he seriously pushes this and digs his heels in, I think what you're dealing with is a VERY selfish person. And Ithink all it means is that he's simply putting off working. He likes not working. So he'll "go to school".
Look- PLENTY of people go to school, work FULL TIME, and raise a family. He can do this too! He doesn't need to ONLY go to school.
But - he should onloy get to do this after YOU start pursuing some of what yo uwant.
I'll be honest, though. I don't know what you're hanging on for. I really don't. I have a feeling he's going to dig his heels in. And you're only going to be more resentful and angry as time goes on.
Oh, and the part about trust? That's HUGE. HUGE. You don't trust him. it's going to take a LONG time for you to do that - and I think the only way to start is for him to buck up and get a fricking consistent, full time job.
If she knew about his little problem before he got married, this is double indemnity for the OP: Why even KNOW a bum like that? Instead she married him. Feature that.
You also knew he was sort of jobless when you met him --- why did you tolerate that at all when you found out he didn't have a job and he had no legitimate reason for being out of work?
If he was laid off or out of work on temporary disability maybe because he jobbed up his back or has been ill is another story; those are legitimate reasons. So is being off on family leave to caretake a loved one.
Methinks the OP needs advice regarding how to be more picky and not settle for what's the bottom of the bloody food chain!
PS: Alanon for the OP, immediately: Are you even partaking in that type of support group???
I wouldn't tolerate his flimsy excuses. He needs to find even a part time job. I'd give him a months' deadline and after that, he can get steppin' and get his ass out the door; you file for divorce. He's dead weight and dead skin and he's got zero respect for you --- he is letting you pull the entire financial load. This is no man at all.
Another thing: I'd make HIM repay all the debt that he rang up while he was happily taking drugs. Why is it up to YOU to pay for his bullshit?
Uh, is there a PAYSTUB?
Is this even a legitimate job at all or is he even working at all and maybe this whole thing abut the job is a lie????
And if there is no job and he's lied, he should be thrown bodily out the door. Followed by you slamming it shut behind him.
Boyoboy, this is a lot of mess in itself.
How in heck are you 2 consolidating your money? Don't you have an "our money" fund? If not, you need to have one --- his paycheck and yours goes into one savings account and from there, you pay all of your joint expenses.
What's the story with the job?
Jealous???
This little shit isn't even supporting YOU in YOUR dream of going back to school.
And suppose you wish to pursue something full time and you want him to support you financially?
Not going to happen.
PS: There are GED classes that happen during the evening --- to accommodate those who have daytime jobs or other obligations. Who's he kidding?
And I would like to hear why come he didn't finish high school. I'll bet that story is fantastic to listen to.
I'd be angry too. Those aren't decisions that you make on your own when you're married. You don't get to just decide "oh, you're going to support me financially!" No. That's not how it works.
Sounds like he needs to seriously learn some respect, maturity, and a lesson in how to be an adult.
First off, your reasons were not petty and the fact that you think they are saddens me.
He's had six years to work a proper job or go to school, or contribute financially, you have supported him financially and emotionally through a rough time, and him having this addiction or him getting clean 7 months ago doesn't enable him to behave this way.
My mother worked endless hours as a waitress just so she could put bread on the table and she went back to school down the road, part-time, nights when I was old enough to babysit my younger brother.
If he had any decency or pride or respect, he would contribute, trust me.
It seems to me like he's made excuses about getting jobs down the road, then when you asked him what was up (because he didn't have the decency or respect to keep you up to date) he just brushed you off with more excuses - so going back to school to me seems like another MAJOR excuse and the fact that you'll have to pay for it is a slap in the face.
I can't believe you also feel responsible for clearing off his debt because it's in both your names... If you two were to divorce, you'd get a lawyer and sort this through and believe me -- you have contributed so much financially there's no way you would be required to clear off his debts!
I don't even know how to end this but I wish you luck and hope you find the strength and clarity needed to get through this.
Does he feel guilty living off you and riding your coattails?
He isn't going to work miracles in a week. This is pretty much who he is. And even if SOME things improve in 7 days, I'm afraid you'll mistake these for large strides rather than potentially short-term, non-maintainable changes. It's clear you are holding onto the last thread. Cut it loose! Addictions are an ugly business and are notoriously hard to treat. I don't really care what you did in the past in this marriage--seems like you've put in as much as possible and the relationship has run it's course. Do you need somebody giving you permission to leave? You have it--probably from everyone here. I'm sorry you can't find the support you need in your family but try and find it somewhere else. Al-Anon is fine but you need to find something consistent and only for you--a marriage and family therapist who specializes in co-dependency and addiction. And this is advice I don't see on here often enough--contact a lawyer immediately! Figure out your options and protect yourself. Maybe your DH will never be very self-sufficient but you should still be working ahead to secure custody and whatever alimony you can.
Yes. This. Please stop relying on your family for "support"
Anybody who gives that kind of advice to anybody is beyond cracked.
I am also guessing you are dependent upon them for money handouts and if that's how it is, I suggest you end the gravy train stops yourself. This is no way to live a life. Live within your means and this means that your deadbeat H gets a job.
He's not going to magically become another person in a week: he is who he is right now.
You need to cut this guy loose --- he's nobody who respects you, we know you don't even care very much for him at this point let alone love the guy and he's no example for your daughter.
After 6 years, he has shown you loud and clear who he is and that is not going to change. Don't let your family or his family guilt you into staying either - this is your life, not theirs and you deserve to be happy, whether it be alone for a while or in the event you meet someone else, that someone should treat you with dignity and respect. It's not right or fair to you that you are bearing the burden of all the finances and debt. You are setting a bad example for your child because she is going to grow up thinking that this is how a relationship should be.
I don't think any amount of marital counseling would save this marriage either, but you absolutely should get counseling for yourself to help you with your self esteem issues. And def lawyer up so you don't wind up getting screwed. Sorry you are dealing with this.
Bully for them.
Tell them to take a flying leap! This is your life, not theirs.
A man who lives off his wife or SO is not a man. That's a creep and a mooch and somebody with zero character: it is also a dealbreaker.
He will drain you dry -- not just financially but emotionally. And yes he can indeed go to GED classes while he is working full time during the day. No excuse for him not to work and take the GED classes.
Good luck getting child support payments from him. I see no way how he can do it if he hasn't got a full time job. (and why you brought a kid into this picture is beyond me)
@valistaken I'm sorry that you don't think you're getting anything helpful from this thread, but I do hope you read this.
Ask yourself why you married him.
He had nothing to offer you -- not even a high school degree. What kind of a past present and future could he bring to you?
He still has nothing to offer you but empty promises. I don't think you want tht for yourself or your kiddo.