Rant - Being the "breadwinner"

benozzy31

No marriage is perfect because no spouse is perfect, ever. 

I am not you so I will not at all say that I know what you should do.  Something that makes me sad about the world is how often people just give up on relationships or advise others to do the same.  I'm a social worker, so I see problems with my clients every day, and of course we all have our own stories of seeing friends' relationship problems and parents or friends' parents.

It sounds like you have been a great support to him, and I hope that his AA has helped him see that, so he can be a better support to you.  Have you been to any AA meetings?  I'm sure you know through all this that there are also support groups for partners of addicts as well.

I really want to encourage you to not give up.  Seek counseling, protect your daughter, and whatever decision you make, make sure you have had support making it. 

Sillygirl45

benozzy31 said:

No marriage is perfect because no spouse is perfect, ever. 

I am not you so I will not at all say that I know what you should do.  Something that makes me sad about the world is how often people just give up on relationships or advise others to do the same.  I'm a social worker, so I see problems with my clients every day, and of course we all have our own stories of seeing friends' relationship problems and parents or friends' parents.

It sounds like you have been a great support to him, and I hope that his AA has helped him see that, so he can be a better support to you.  Have you been to any AA meetings?  I'm sure you know through all this that there are also support groups for partners of addicts as well.

I really want to encourage you to not give up.  Seek counseling, protect your daughter, and whatever decision you make, make sure you have had support making it. 

So, I'm curious. You would be someone who would see people who really need to make better decisions to make a better life. Exactly what prize does OP win for sticking with a drug addict for 6 long, shitty years just to stick around even longer while he refuses to work?

I understand people think everyone gives up too easily. I don't think this is one of those situations. I think OP is going to wonder why the hell she hung on so long. Everyone has their deal breakers. For some it's substance abuse, some cheating, some child rearing, some refusing to contribute financially.

Personally I think she is soooo far from giving up too easily and her happiness is more important. Her daughter being raised to do better is more important. 

Sillygirl45

FWIW, I don't think people give up too easily. Anyone I know well who has confided in me about their divorce, thoughts of divorce, or marriage problems has really thought long and hard and been through hell over it.

Reilly626

Because deep down after college he won't work and you know it. A waste of time and money, and the way he sounds he will be partying with the young college gals. Do yourself a favor and lose him you will be much happier not putting up with 2 kids!

GilliC

benozzy31 said:

No marriage is perfect because no spouse is perfect, ever. 

I am not you so I will not at all say that I know what you should do.  Something that makes me sad about the world is how often people just give up on relationships or advise others to do the same.  I'm a social worker, so I see problems with my clients every day, and of course we all have our own stories of seeing friends' relationship problems and parents or friends' parents. 

And people make mistakes. Where is the glory in sticking it out with someone you shouldn't have married in the first place?

I'm sorry that my giving up on my relationship after 8 years makes you sad. But you know what? I'm so much happier than I've ever been. And if our choosing to be happy makes you sad, I question your priorities.

ideletedmyaccount

benozzy31 said:

No marriage is perfect because no spouse is perfect, ever. 

I am not you so I will not at all say that I know what you should do.  Something that makes me sad about the world is how often people just give up on relationships or advise others to do the same.  I'm a social worker, so I see problems with my clients every day, and of course we all have our own stories of seeing friends' relationship problems and parents or friends' parents.

It sounds like you have been a great support to him, and I hope that his AA has helped him see that, so he can be a better support to you.  Have you been to any AA meetings?  I'm sure you know through all this that there are also support groups for partners of addicts as well.

I really want to encourage you to not give up.  Seek counseling, protect your daughter, and whatever decision you make, make sure you have had support making it. 

No, I'm not giving up too easily. I sincerely hope you do not give this advice to women who have been in long, unhealthy relationships. Often these relationships are abusive, maybe not physically, but verbally and emotionally. Most often these women are perfectly healthy walking into the relationship and do not get into it knowing the guy is a loser, so what changes? Why does a sound healthy woman stay in an unstable, and hurtful relationship? Because they are being manipulated and usually with guilt, and telling them that they are giving up too easily when they have finally found the resolve to follow through is one of the most damaging things you can say to them at that point. 

I have never ever said I was the perfect wife, but I've tried. Do you know what his reaction has been since I've told him to please find a new place to live and that I am getting a divorce? To harass me, say mean, rude and condescending things to me: these are not the actions of someone who is trying.

On the plus side, he's taking care of a lot of things for me, I still need to document his drug use, but he got himself a DUI this weekend, and since it was for marijuana they did a blood draw on him and they will find other drugs in his system.

I am getting a lawyer, I have an appointment for a consultation this week, and I'm trying out counselors to find one I like. Insurance only covers so much of the cost though so I won't be able go as often as I'd like but AlAnon is really helping in the mean time. My parents are being supportive and my grandpa has made it known that if I lose the condo DD and I are welcome there until I find a new place.

I will not be back on this board, thank you to all those who offered support and help.

Leftie22

I'm glad to read that you're getting away from this guy!! Good luck to you, I hope it goes as smoothly as it possibly can. Wishing you lot of happiness and time to achieve your dreams without being held back by an addict.

R.Wilsonny

OP, if you do come back and read this thread, just know that many of us here applaud and support you in your decision to choose your happiness and well being over wasting your life away with an addict. I'm sure it hasn't been easy, but you did all you could and I wish you all the best and happy life.

TarponMonoxide

He needed to be shown the door years ago.

I have never ever said I was the perfect wife, but I've tried. Do you know what his reaction has been since I've told him to please find a new place to live and that I am getting a divorce? To harass me, say mean, rude and condescending things to me: these are not the actions of someone who is trying.

Bully to him.  As somebody I know would say, let him build a bridge and get over it.

On the plus side, he's taking care of a lot of things for me,

There's a "plus side"??? WHERE?

 I still need to document his drug use, but he got himself a DUI this weekend, and since it was for marijuana they did a blood draw on him and they will find other drugs in his system.


He got what this weekend??? Shit, lock him out of that house this very minute or eject him bodily, depending upon which applies.

This guy never cleaned up his act. I will bet you dollars to donuts that he has been secretly using all this time he was "clean." It's very easy for an addict to hide his drug usage.

I am getting a lawyer, I have an appointment for a consultation this week, and I'm trying out counselors to find one I like. Insurance only covers so much of the cost though so I won't be able go as often as I'd like but AlAnon is really helping in the mean time. My parents are being supportive and my grandpa has made it known that if I lose the condo DD and I are welcome there until I find a new place.

Eject him right now. Why prolong the agony and why have this piece of trash living in YOUR home under YOUR roof, with you and your daughter???

I will not be back on this board, thank you to all those who offered support and help.

Sillygirl45

Good job and good luck! You are soooo doing the right thing!

TarponMonoxide

Sillygirl45 said:

Good job and good luck! You are soooo doing the right thing!

If I were you, I'd tell him in a public place --- and have the locks changed on your house before you tell him. You never know.

Tell him in a public place so he is less likely to cause a scene.

He is all pissy and nasty to you now? SURE -- the party is over! His free ride is over and his free room and board are over. So you're the ogre, the evil one and the bad mommy. Let him go shit in his hat and then wear it.

This jerk is gonna be quite the party animal, being he has no money of his own to speak of, now that his wife is history...

Because deep down after college he won't work and you know it. A waste of time and money, and the way he sounds he will be partying with the young college gals.

ReturnOfKuus

I'm starting to get pretty angry at your family.  So they think he deserves you to bend over and put up with more of his lazy loser bullshit, and your daughter deserves you to bend over and put up with more of his lazy loser bullshit, to make his and your daughter's lives easier and happier.  Everyone else deserves to use you as a thing, a device to make their lives better, and you should feel bad for objecting to that and wanting there to actually be something in it for you.  They're basically saying you're not a person, you don't matter at all.

Fuck your family.  Being raised with this kind of "women should sacrifice" crap is what got you into this mess in the first place, I'd lay money on it.