I am NOT Mrs.Husband'sName

dbanana

Pet peeve: when we receive mail to Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst HisLastName. 

I decided to take his last name after a lot of debate, so I think this might be why its a touchy topic for me. It was a hard decision to make. Now I am starting to wish I didn't.

We recently got a save the date to his brother's wedding, which was addressed to Mr. & Mrs. HisFirst HisLastName.  I honestly feel offended when I'm referred to as Mrs. MyHusband. I am not my husband, my identity does not lie with him. I feel like if I kept my maiden name, I could correct people without offending them that I do not like to be referred to as my husband's name. (As a side note, my husband is super awesome and understands why I strongly prefer not being referred to in such a way.)

Has anyone else dealt with this issue? I'm sure there is a little overreacting on my part, but is there a polite way to state that I do not prefer for others to refer to me as this? For most people, I don't really care, because them referring to myself and my husband as such is a rarity. But for my BIL and his future wife, I feel like they should be made aware in some way. 

SmrBrd2012

It bothers me too...It's rather old fashioned. If I got tons of mail addressed to us like this it would annoy the crap out of me...But for a wedding invite it's not uncommon. It's part of the etiquette rules many follow (I did NOT). I think you are overreacting a little bit and I personally wouldn't bring it up unless they kept mailing things to you in this fashion. But I mean, really, how often do you think they will send you mail other than wedding related things and maybe a Christmas card?

dbanana

@smrbrd2012, that is a good point. We don't typically get mail from them, although I do expect more this year than average because they are getting married. I think a small part of me just wants them to realize not everyone is the traditional husband and wife couple. This is not the first offense of times where they have referred to us in a sense that I do not agree with. For example, they began calling me Mrs. HisLastName months before we had gotten married (even casually), but at the time, I hadn't decided what my name would be! She's ecstatic to be Mrs. TheirLastName (as my husband and her FI are brothers), so I think she feels like I feel the same way? 

VadersValkyrie

My best friend has a HUGE problem with this, too.  It made addressing my wedding invitations fun, because her husband also has his doctorate and likes to get mail addressed to Dr.  Personally, it doesn't bother me at all.  I hyphenated my last name, but we still get mail addressed to Mr & Mrs HisFirstName HisLastName.  Whatever.  I like little traditions like that, and don't feel like less of an independent woman for it.

Sillygirl45

As far as the invitation, that is the correct way to address it. 

I wasn't sure if I was going to take H's last name or not but I couldn't care less when people referred to me as Mrs. Hislastname. I guess I don't understand what is so offensive. Pretty sure no one has ever confused me with my husband. I don't feel defined by being his wife, it is just a part of who I am. Mrs. Hislastname, my first name, or whatever doesn't really matter to me. 

I think you're overreacting, but I'm really curious as to why. If you get to the bottom of that, it may not bother you as much. 

moonprincessd

um... that's the correct way to format it. It's tradition. I did that for my wedding invites and I get those invites all the time, maybe my family is just traditional?

anyway, it's not offensive, it's the protocol. 

TarponMonoxide

What's in a name?

YOu can also request you be addressed as Ms. Mary Smith --- you can still use his last name of Smith. See if that works as a compromise for you.

If you still don't like the idea of taking your H's last name, I think you may legally have to move in a court to get it changed back. See what a local attorney can advise.

Leftie22

I think it's a pretty outdated tradition, and it would annoy me too. I'm sure your H wouldn't want to be called Mr. Mary Smith! But I'm also not very traditional, and I didn't take my H's last name. I wouldn't bother saying anything, since it's probably a one-off kind of thing. I understand why it's annoying though.

cloudymeatballs12

That's just the traditional way to address things. I love being called Mrs. My H's name... It feels great to me. But maybe I am a lil old fashioned here...

GilliC

Since it's a very traditional protocol, I do think it's a bit of an overreaction. If they referred to you as Mrs.HisLastName when they spoke to you (also historical tradition), I would suggest saying something, since that's not very common and therefore a conscious decision on their part. But the mail addressing? Meh. I don't think people really put any meaning behind it, so to me it would be like getting upset over the fact that "Mrs" derives from the word "mistress." Most people don't know or care, so you just come off sounding a little crazy.

blondie42107

My friend didn't take her husband's last name.  Everything is still addressed Mr. and Mrs. HisLastName.  She received birthday money (via check) from a relative that didn't even realize she kept her maiden name and it was wrote out to HerName HisLastName.  

WendyGR

It bothers me too. I think because I grew up in a very traditional community where women were expected to stay home and have lots of kids. After I graduated and married soooo many women would ask me if I had a job, I would say yes of course, and they would ask me if it was full time, again I would say yes, and they would make comments like "oh, that's nice, to keep you busy until you have kids." 

However, I don't know how to address it. It does come across as petty if you bring it up. I guess if it were to come up in conversation I would make my feelings known but I'm not sure how it would come up, know what I mean?

annmarie714

When you start reading other people's minds, you can expect them to read yours and know how you prefer to have your mail addressed to you.  Until then, suck it up.  It's an envelope, you throw it away anyway.

VOR

I'm w/ many of the others - it's a wedding invitation.  They are following traditional etiquette rules.  This isn't something to get offended over.

I don't mind TOO much Mr. & Mrs. DHs name.  But I do truly LOATHE Mrs. Hisfirst HisLast.  THAT form of addressing women needs to die.  Now, granted, I've never personally gotten anything like this, but just the idea of it makes me cringe. 

However, when it comes to formal invitations, like I said, the Mr & Mrs his full name is just following etiquette.  Outdated or not.

2013gj

Stuff like that bugs me too. I hate how people just blindly follow traditions and assume it's okay to call a wife by her husbands first name, wth?

However if's just a wedding invitation that they were probably just trying to make really formal. I would make a joke of it, like on the rsvp put mrs and mr your first name. Then if they ask, say since they addressed it to his first name you were just evening it out. 

I wouldn't make a huge deal of it like calling them or anything, unless they do this on regular mail too and not just this one time formal invitation thing. 

chrisnjay05212010

It really is just etiquette for wedding invitations, since they are addressing the invite to the both of you.  I bet a shower invite would just read Mrs Your Name Husbands last name. 

It doesnt bother me to be called that way. A name doesnt change who my identity and being his wife is a huge part of who i am.

gymbugmj2k

Although it's not your favorite, Mr & Mrs HisFirst HisLast  IS the fairly common/standard way to address a married couple formally.

I agree that Mrs. HisFirst HisLast would drive me NUTS.  It feels a lot more like property than the Mr&Mrs way of addressing things.


Funny side note: hubby and I are only 1 letter apart in our first names.  So addressing something Mrs HisFirst HisLast would send me for a loop wondering who gets to open it.  Is it mine, and they misspelled my first name?  Is it his and they meant to put Mr?  Gah! =P

DaringMiss

I am not married to my partner but we travel a lot together.  Sometimes he makes the reservation, sometimes I do.  Frequently he is Mr. MyLastName or I am Mrs. HisLastName.  We just brush it off because it isn't worth explaining it to the room service guy in Rome.

Xstatic3333

I would let it go with wedding invites. I addressed mine that way. Why? Because I'm clueless about all things etiquette, didn't want to mess anything up, and did a ton of research. It's not a reflection of my personal values, it's a reflection of my research on mail etiquette. That said, I only used Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast for a couple of very elderly widowed aunts that my mom advised would prefer it that way.

zzbb

I'm honored to be addressed in this way and don't find it offensive. I think my husband would be hurt if untold him i was offended by simple recieving mail addressed this way.

ReturnOfKuus

It may be common and traditional, but the reason it is common and traditional is pure sexism.

I plan to deal with this by getting a PhD; under no circumstances is it appropriate to address someone with a doctorate as "Mrs. Offred" or whatever. 

MrsPetroske

As a married couple, you are Mr. and Mrs. His Name. This is proper etiquette. It may be "old-fashioned" or whatever you want to call it, but it is proper etiquette none-the-less. 

As a personal note, sometimes when I visit my husband at work and someone stops by his desk for something, they call me Mrs. Jeff. I actually think it's cute. 

VeronicaHanG

Personally, I LOVE being called Mrs. Veronica Deakins; if I were invited somewhere, Mr & Mrs. Alan Deakins; and professionally?  Veronica Han-G Deakins...

It IS a PERSONAL preference to SHARE your new husband's last name...something to be proud of....It doesn't mean you are NOT an "independent woman".  I cherish respect, chivalry and tradition...there's nothing wrong with either and girls, this is NOT my first marriage and I'm in my 40's.

enigmaticdrscully

ReturnOfKuus said:

It may be common and traditional, but the reason it is common and traditional is pure sexism.

I plan to deal with this by getting a PhD; under no circumstances is it appropriate to address someone with a doctorate as "Mrs. Offred" or whatever. 

Just a lurker here, and I hate to burst your bubble, @ReturnOfKuus, but, appropriate or not, it will happen. I did not change my name and I have an MD. We still get mail addressed to Mr & Mrs HisName.

ah625

ReturnOfKuus said:

It may be common and traditional, but the reason it is common and traditional is pure sexism.

I plan to deal with this by getting a PhD; under no circumstances is it appropriate to address someone with a doctorate as "Mrs. Offred" or whatever. 

What? Do you really think you're going to be called Doctor by everyone just because you have a PhD?

GilliC

ah625 said:

ReturnOfKuus said:

It may be common and traditional, but the reason it is common and traditional is pure sexism.

I plan to deal with this by getting a PhD; under no circumstances is it appropriate to address someone with a doctorate as "Mrs. Offred" or whatever. 

What? Do you really think you're going to be called Doctor by everyone just because you have a PhD?

Probably not, but at least she can tell them they're wrong. Even if they try to blame it on etiquette.

tigerfighter

I have decided if I do get remarried I am sticking with my maiden name.  I will have gone through the process twice of changing my name and I am not changing it again.

Dandylione

While it is the "proper" way to address a formal invitation (and would probably be addressed in the same manner whether or not you had changed your last name), if it bothers you, it bothers you. 

It might not be wise to flip on the friend/relative/whoever addressed the save-the-date to you (which is why this is such a good place to vent!), but perhaps you could politely ask that in the future they address anything formal to Mr. and Mrs. Last name as opposed to Mr. and Mrs. His First and Last Name. They likely didn't mean any offence and were just trying to do things "the right way." Maybe even put a nice post up on Facebook as a reminder to people in the future! Of course, that won't stop all mail from being addressed in the "formal" manner.

Again, this would probably have happened even if you had kept your last name. It just sort of comes with the territory of being married. Who knows, time might change the tradition.

I personally like when we receive mail addressed in that manner. However, everyone has something that doesn't sit right with them, and if this doesn't sit right with you, that's okay! I believe that you have the right to politely let your friends and family know your preference. 

MrsDcamacho

My family still calls me by my maiden name so I make it a point to be known as Mrs.DCamacho. I am the biggest feminist out there but I love being known by this title

lfk2013

One of my bridesmaids didn't take her husband's name when they married, but because she had used his last name on other things before, I asked her.  She still uses her last name for work-related and government-related things, but loves using her H's last name for everything else.  So I addressed the wedding invite to Mr. and Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName.  

It's etiquette, and some people still put some stock in it.  Granted, it may be old-fashioned and not sit well with you, but it's not your wedding.  If the couple wants to be formal, then let them.  

Kimbus22

I always laugh when my Nana sends me cards addressed to Mrs. H's FN H's LN.  But it's old fashioned etiquette. I can't see getting all annoyed and worked up by it.  It's not an attack on who you are.