Did anyone wait?

wiggsaj

Did anyone wait to have sex until they were married? As I read these posts, I'm not seeing many virgin brides.....

No judgment here by any means.

If you did, why did you wait?

If you didn't, why didn't you?

To answer my own question, I'm waiting because it was a promise I made to myself when I was young, and it is a way of respecting my FI and my FI's way of respecting me. I understand that for most couples, sex before marriage is not a sign of disrespect. For us, it is, because these are goals we've set for ourselves and it would be disrespectful for us to get in the way of each others goals. There are many other reasons, but those are my main two reasons.

TarponMonoxide

wiggsaj said:

Did anyone wait to have sex until they were married? As I read these posts, I'm not seeing many virgin brides.....

No judgment here by any means.

If you did, why did you wait?

If you didn't, why didn't you?

To answer my own question, I'm waiting because it was a promise I made to myself when I was young,

Just curious: how young were you?  And was this a religious-based decision? I am willing to bet it is.

Men usually do not want virgin brides. it's awkward --- and the only men who seem to want them are the ones that come fron rigorous religious backgrounds.

and it is a way of respecting my FI and my FI's way of respecting me.

(this is more church-based dogma --- and usually this is a *rule* decided upon BY men and FOR men. You can bet a woman didn't come up with this rule.)

If you think "respect" consists of respecting you for exactly one body part and a state of mind, that's where all the trouble comes in. You are worth much more than what's between your legs.

 I understand that for most couples, sex before marriage is not a sign of disrespect. For us, it is, because these are goals we've set for ourselves and it would be disrespectful for us to get in the way of each others goals. There are many other reasons, but those are my main two reasons.

Like I said, this is religious-based dogma and a woman is worth much more than her virginity.  Too bad these stodgy right wingers can't get that through their skulls.

Nothing at all wrong with sex if both couples are committed to each other and love each other.

wiggsaj

@tarponmonoxide ...

I was 13 when I decided to do that, and it was not a religious decision by any means.

I'm not looking for "men" nor am I concerned with what they want. I've got a perfectly wonderful man that prefers me exactly the way I am. 

The way I feel respected is not based off of some rule that a man made. It's based off the way I feel. For me, there are many ways he shows me respect. This is just one of them. I would feel incredibly disrespected if he tried to pressure me into having sex with him before I was married. I don't know many women who would not feel disrespected by a man who does not respect her goals.

For you, there may not be anything wrong with sex before marriage. You're entitled to that opinion. For me, the foundation of my relationship is the promises that we are able to keep to each other. We promised that we would save ourselves for each other when we are married, and intend to keep that promise.

Your logic seems to be blurred by your judgment. I created this post in the hopes for a lighthearted conversation. Not so that a person could tell me that my beliefs and values are wrong. 

Thank you, though.

KonaCoffeeBean

I didn't wait. The only person I've ever had sex with is my H. We were 26/27 when we married, but 16/17 when we first had sex. I couldn't tell you why I made the decision I did, obviously it was among time ago. Now that I'm older, the idea of 16 year olds having sex makes me cringe, even if did work out just fine in my case.

BlueBirdMB

Didn't wait until marriage.  We've both had several partners before each other.  H went through a wild phase with sex.  I only had sex in committed relationships.  I believe that sex is best left to a committed, caring, respectful relationship, not necessarily marriage.  I have no problem with people waiting until marriage though.  I understand that this is the traditional way of doing things, but I'm fairly sure that even my grandparents had sex before marriage in the 1940s.  But seriously, whatever floats your boat.

OP, I do hope you have a good sexual relationship after you get married.  I know several people who waited until marriage and they've continued to struggle with their sexual relationship.  Usually that is because of several factors, the main ones being: a) they've suppressed their sexual desires for so many years that they have a hard time turning that part of themselves on, or b) because they have a religious stigma about sex that makes them feel that even though they are married, sex is still somehow dirty.  I hope that these factors are not the case for you and your SO.

I'm not being judgmental because I respect anyone's sexual habits.

wiggsaj

Thanks for the respect, I do appreciate it!

I'm not sure where everyone came up with the whole "sex is sinful" mindset. It's only sinful outside of marriage. Inside of marriage it is encouraged by God, and He finds it beautiful. I've got a whole book on it called The Act of Marriage. It is a Christian text, but it may be interesting to read whether or not you're christian, just to get an idea of what the bible actually says about sex and marriage and to uncover all the myths. However, fair warning, I've heard that some people have found it to be somewhat offensive to those who did not choose to wait, so keep an open mind if you choose to read it. 

Just thought I'd share lol

I have heard, also, that sometimes sexual chemestry can be a problem to people who marry without having sex before hand. Now, I'm not sure if this actually happens, but it's just something people have told me. Nothing I'm honestly too concerned about because FI and I are very open when it comes to talking about sex together and we already have been communicating this for years. Did any of you find that to be true? Or have you heard of anything like that?

 Thank you for the well wishes

BlueBirdMB

wiggsaj said:

Thanks for the respect, I do appreciate it!

I'm not sure where everyone came up with the whole "sex is sinful" mindset. It's only sinful outside of marriage. Inside of marriage it is encouraged by God, and He finds it beautiful. I've got a whole book on it called The Act of Marriage. It is a Christian text, but it may be interesting to read whether or not you're christian, just to get an idea of what the bible actually says about sex and marriage and to uncover all the myths. However, fair warning, I've heard that some people have found it to be somewhat offensive to those who did not choose to wait, so keep an open mind if you choose to read it. 

Just thought I'd share lol

I have heard, also, that sometimes sexual chemestry can be a problem to people who marry without having sex before hand. Now, I'm not sure if this actually happens, but it's just something people have told me. Nothing I'm honestly too concerned about because FI and I are very open when it comes to talking about sex together and we already have been communicating this for years. Did any of you find that to be true? Or have you heard of anything like that?

 Thank you for the well wishes

Think about it.  If you've been thinking your whole life "sex is sinful", wouldn't you find it hard to turn that off once you are married, even if logically you know it's okay to have sex now?  Anyways, that's just something people have told me they feel after they get married.  They obviously know that sex within marriage isn't sinful, but they can't just flip a switch within themselves to make sex enjoyable.

doeydo

I did not wait until marriage to have sex because I went through a 'wild' phase as a teenager that was largely due to the abuse I experienced as a child.  So, I had sex with a fair bit of men before I met my FI.  Most first times with my sexual partners were not that great.  Sex with my FI has definitely gotten better over time as we became more 'comfortable' (I can't think of another word to use; too much studying has made me brain-dead right now so bear with me) with each other and found out what we prefer.   
I respect other people's decisions regarding waiting or not waiting on having sex because they can do what they wish to with their own bodies.  I agree with @BlueBirdMB that people saving themselves for marriage can sometimes experience sexual issues once they are married.  For example, women who do not have sex or masturbate all their lives, then get married and start having sex are often disappointed, I find, because they do not achieve orgasm.  I think they might not be orgasming because they do not know what exactly 'floats their boat' sexually speaking.  Another possible reason for not achieving orgasm is due to thinking that sex is bad/sinful, as PP said.

wiggsaj

I disagree @bluebirdMB. For example, and this is just an example, in most households children are not allowed to open their birthday gifts until the day of their birthday (or party, or whatever). But when their birthday comes, the children will not refuse to open the gifts or feel nervous about them, because all this time they've known that when their birthday arrived they could open the gift. It's the same with staying pure until marriage. If God clearly states that sex inside of marriage is encouraged, and for all the person's life they've known that, then they won't feel that it's wrong for them to have sex on their wedding night. You should recomend that book to the people you've referred to. It would really help them in their marriage. Thanks!

BlueBirdMB

wiggsaj said:

I disagree @bluebirdMB. For example, and this is just an example, in most households children are not allowed to open their birthday gifts until the day of their birthday (or party, or whatever). But when their birthday comes, the children will not refuse to open the gifts or feel nervous about them, because all this time they've known that when their birthday arrived they could open the gift. It's the same with staying pure until marriage. If God clearly states that sex inside of marriage is encouraged, and for all the person's life they've known that, then they won't feel that it's wrong for them to have sex on their wedding night. You should recomend that book to the people you've referred to. It would really help them in their marriage. Thanks!

I wasn't stating an opinion- I really don't care how others handle their sex lives.  I'm simply stating what friends of mine have told me who waited for marriage to have sex.  

SmrBrd2012

wiggsaj said:

I'm not sure where everyone came up with the whole "sex is sinful" mindset. It's only sinful outside of marriage. Inside of marriage it is encouraged by God, and He finds it beautiful.

*can't get out of box*
I'm a little confused by your postings...You said your decision was not religious, but you then mention God a lot in this post. Also, you start out saying there's no judgement towards those that didn't wait but then you say sex is sinful outside of marriage...so...that is a judgement right there.

In any case, I did not wait until marriage, but I did wait until what I thought was an appropriate age to accept the responsibility that comes with it. I waited until I was 18 and was in a committed relationship. I'm not religious so I had no preconceptions about the "rightness or wrongness" of the act.

tiffanysbride

I'll bite. DH and I waited until we were married due to religious beliefs. That said, my mom was always really honest about sex and open with us (my brother and I). I was on the pill from 16 on b/c she felt it important should my opinion change. Plus years of sports had made periods rather unpredictable. Anyway, I was not taught that sex was sinful or even that it was only to be done within marriage, that wasn't my upbringing. Waiting for sex was something I wanted to do b/c it was my belief that I should wait. We've been married over 8 years and have great sex. It didn't just happen it takes being open and communicating with each other. 

That said, many friends have struggled with the feeling or sin or wrongness surrounding sex in their marriage. I can't tell you how many people have trouble b/c one or both of them don't feel comfortable with their sexuality. Somehow the topic came up on a girls weekend with friends I have from church and I was truly shocked at the number of woman that mentally could not get over that block. I would guess several women and their husband's didn't understand the nature of a female orgasm. 

schuette2

No, but neither of us were virgins when we met each other, either. Had I been a virgin before I was with DH, I might've stayed that way til the wedding. I was brought up about the same way as tiffanysbride - sex was not taught to be sinful in any form, although I was brought up in a religious household. 

beyondwords106

I was a virgin when I met my husband, but we did have sex for 2 years before marriage.  He was with other women before me.  I was brought up by very conservative christian parents who thought sex outside of marriage was the worst thing you could ever do.  Personally I felt that it should only be meant for marriage but I'm human and I wanted it. So a lot of times I would feel guilty after afterwards.  Now that we have been married for 6 months sometimes I still feel that it is wrong, like @bluebirdmb was saying.  I know that it is right but I still get that feeling like we shouldn't be doing it.

yaykarin

My husband and I (and both our families) all grew up in the same church together. In middle school we both participated in a True Love Waits ceremony that was, of course, religious. But just to be clear, it was by no means "sex shaming" or calling anyone horrible or anything like that.

It was a very affirming study we went through on God's intent for marriage in a strength based way. It was about the design of men and women and the positive physical and relational outcomes that can be the result of waiting until marriage to have sex. It was offered as an option, a promise between you and God as an act of sacrifice and obedience, but not in any threatening or judgemental way. 

We both made the promise, dated for 6 years before getting married (in our early 20's), and honestly we talked very little about "whether or not" we'd have sex before our wedding, it was pretty much understood that we wouldn't. Not much discussion needed. That being said, we were young and in love and did have a physical relationship, but not living together made not having sex pretty easy. And we were creative about other physical ways to express intimacy. 

Now we've been married 7 years, and I would say our sex life is likely pretty normal. Same as many other couples we've known. No major "issues". We regularly enjoy it (even 2 kids later, haha) and we're comfortable talking about it as needed, meeting one another's needs, trying new things, etc. 

Just wanted to put my experience out there. I hear the concerns, but my 2 cents is that sex issues can stem from SO many different things --- physical/emotional baggage from previous sexual relationships, communication problems, pornography, childhood issues, etc. I don't think any 1 thing necessarily determines a good or bad sex life. But for us, our dedication to one another and to God made this decision an easy one for us and it's been a good one.

wiggsaj

SmrBrd2012 said:

wiggsaj said:

I'm not sure where everyone came up with the whole "sex is sinful" mindset. It's only sinful outside of marriage. Inside of marriage it is encouraged by God, and He finds it beautiful.

*can't get out of box*
I'm a little confused by your postings...You said your decision was not religious, but you then mention God a lot in this post. When I made the decision, I didn't believe in God. My faith came way after the fact. I decided to stay pure until marriage because at the time, I had many people try to take advantage of me. It was my way of having complete control over my body. It meant that no matter what anyone tried to do, they could never take away my purity. Still to this day it's something that makes me feel beautiful and strong. My faith in God came after that. It has been a motivation point, but the main reason I have decided to wait is because of the way that waiting makes me feel as a person. Some people work out, get their nails done, or buy a new pair of shoes every month in order to treat themselves. It seems backwards, but that's how I treat myself Also, you start out saying there's no judgement towards those that didn't wait but then you say sex is sinful outside of marriage...so...that is a judgement right there. Not exactly. I'm stating a fact about the christian relgion. The idea is to hate the sin but love the sinner. Each and every human on this planet is a sinner, and it doesn't make any sense to judge a person based off of their sins. I may not have had sex before I got married, but that doesn't make me any more or less perfect than anyone who did. I sin all the time, equally to everyone else. Does that make sense? 

Either way, the object of making this post is to see who is in the minority, because I just had no idea. 

In any case, I did not wait until marriage, but I did wait until what I thought was an appropriate age to accept the responsibility that comes with it. I waited until I was 18 and was in a committed relationship. I'm not religious so I had no preconceptions about the "rightness or wrongness" of the act.

Thanks for your response!!

PS -- I was not trying to be defensive at all. You said you were confused so I was just trying to clear the air!

Along52612

I did not wait till marriage even tho I was brought up in a christian  house hold, and that sex b4 marriage is bad. In H.S I thought I was going to wait until i was married. Until I was in my 1st committed relationship when I was 18  I lost my virginity to my then boyfriend and we dated for almost 5 years before.  I thought he was the "one" .I went threw a "bad/wild" stage broke that relationship off with him, and had "meaningless" sex with 2 other men (which none of them where my H) I defiantly regret having sex with the 2 other men I guess I felt I had to exploit my sexuality. I then met my H during that time frame tho.  When I met my H I told him everything! H was a virgin when we met, but my H was no stranger to oral sex since he did have a gf before we dated but they never had actual "sex" or what ever... we dated for about a month or 2 before we started having sex... got engaged about 5 months of dating and got married 9/10 months later...Both our family's believe in being with one person and having sex after marriage... But that didn't happen... I believe every person had there on beliefs. If you decide to or not it's you're choice. Like I thought I was going to wait and was very against it but when you're in a relationship its hard to resist temptation..I guess I am just week. I kinda wish I would have saved myself for marriage tho.

lifeguard

A couple of questions . If you wait you are pure and those of us who did not wait are dirty?
Anybody ever count the persons here with problems who waited for sex with unrealistic expectations? And were disappointed and disillusioned when sex finally occurred .
Don't get me wrong . I believe sex is best waited for until marriage . Unfortunately the scare stories and brainwashing of why not to have sex can leave "scars".
If everybody waited for marrage.sexual transmitted diseases b@stard children and impoverished single mother households would almost disappear.

Janimal

For the OP - you asked so:

I got married at 32.  I had A LOT of sex before marriage and so did my husband.  And I have no regrets. 

Why didn't I wait?   I can honestly say it never occurred to me that I would wait for marriage for sex.  To be honest, I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to get married.  I started having sex when I was 17 and had different partners until I met my DH when I was 30.

When DH and I met, the chemistry was POWERFUL and immediate.  I was incredibly attracted to him and still am.  11 years and 2 kids later, I still have the hots for him.  I would NOT have married a man I didn't have a strong sexual attraction to.  Chemistry is either there - or not there.  And for me, that is essential.  I was so attracted to my DH that I was desperately hoping after we met that as I got to know him, that he would be a good guy.  I wanted him SO BAD but needed to know he wasn't a psycho!  I had sexual chemistry with men who were entirely incompatible with me in any other way for a relationship.  Intense sexual attraction can confuse relationship compatibility.  So, there ya go, from someone with a different approach and perspective.

To "lifeguard" - your use of the term b@stard children is offensive.  And the apparent judgment of poor single mothers is pretty horrible.

doeydo

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1016292/introduction-post-just-a-little-late/p1
Just going to leave this here for the PPs.

BlueBirdMB

doeydo said:

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1016292/introduction-post-just-a-little-late/p1
Just going to leave this here for the PPs.

O.M.G.  It all makes sense now.  And yes, 17 is rushing because there is no way that you were in a committed, mature relationship very long, if at all, at 17 years old.  I was already an adult when I met my husband and we waited 4.5 years to get married because that's how long it took us to grow together to a point where we felt comfortable getting married.  

I hope that you can wait to have sex until right after you 18th birthday.  That's not exactly "saving yourself" as you are getting married as a child.  I was 18th when I lost my virginity and I'd say it was better that I wasn't married when I did it at that age.

lifeguard

wiggsaj...........so what are you looking for. Compliments? Reinforcement to keep your panties on and your knees together? Bragging to inflate your ego? Or telling people it is possible to wait ?
  Don't get me wrong, I believe if everybody waited married as virgins a lot of the world's problems would disappear.
  There is one thing that does get under my skin however is somebody that runs around bragging that they were a virgin until the wedding night.
   I also know of a lot of girls who claimed to be virgins on the wedding night. They had been giving blowjobs for years and more than a few doing anal sex, they still called themselves virgins?
  If his penis is INSIDE you, how are you a virgin?
  Quote "And we were creative about other physical ways to express intimacy. " Unquote. If he is stroking,kissing and licking your lady parts, isn't that pretty close to having sex ?

SmrBrd2012

doeydo said:

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1016292/introduction-post-just-a-little-late/p1
Just going to leave this here for the PPs.

So many things I could say...but...what's the point? Instead I will cringe and move on with my life.

lifeguard

SmrBrd2012 said:

doeydo said:

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1016292/introduction-post-just-a-little-late/p1
Just going to leave this here for the PPs.

So many things I could say...but...what's the point? Instead I will cringe and move on with my life.

Wow.......................That post just about floored me. Please, please, please, let wiggsaj be a troll.

Kimbus22

Holy crap.  You're not waiting for anything.  You're a child.

The best advice my mother ever gave me was to not marry the first person I slept with and I'm grateful daily that she said it.

I didn't wait.  DH didn't wait. I don't regret that for a second.  Sex is important to a marriage.  I'd hate to make a lifetime commitment to someone without knowing if we're actually compatible.

Purity does not equal virginity.  And waiting to have sex does not equal kids waiting to open a present.  Both those analogies show how horribly you're oversimplifying a very complicated subject you have virtually no knowledge of.

Sillygirl45

I think the "waiting for sex until marriage" idea is backwards. I think people should wait to get married before waiting for sex.

I can't tell people when they are ready for sex, but having such a huge decision like marriage hinge on such a primal thing is wrong, in my opinion. 

Many very young (usually religious) people try to say their decision to get married isn't because they want to have sex, but I disagree. In their minds they have made it into the ultimate sacrifice/bonding experience and because they are so "in love" they want to give that to each other. I'm not saying it isn't a monumental thing, but honestly there is so much more that goes into marriage. 

I get it...it's irritating when people say things like..."you don't know until you're a parent". But, it's true. Same goes for "you don't know until your married...you don't know until you're older...you don't know until you've had some life experience..." It's all true. 

You don't get an award for staying in a shitty relationship. You don't get an award for marrying your prom date. The award is living a happy life that allows you to be your best you. Not sacrificing for someone else. Marriage isn't about sacrifice, it's about being your best self and finding someone who loves you for that. Virgin, whore, or somewhere in between...everyone deserves someone who lets them be them. 

yaykarin

lifeguard said:

  Quote "And we were creative about other physical ways to express intimacy. " Unquote. If he is stroking,kissing and licking your lady parts, isn't that pretty close to having sex ?

Well, to be fair, I didn't give any of those --- tasteful details. 

But even so, I think calling out girls for aiming for virginity but missing the mark, in your opinion, is like sitting on the sidelines calling out running form mistakes to marathon runners.

I get it. There are always a few who ruin it for everyone. And I'm sure there are some women who boast about their "purity" despite behavior which points to the contrary (though, I haven't met any). Or the judgmental type who try to make others feel bad. Neither of those are ok at all.

But for me and many, this is, as a described, a religious sacrifice (and a difficult one!) made to be in obedience to a sacred text and more importantly, a sacred God. I would just caution you to be a little more sensitive and respectful of that. For me and most, I'm sure, this is not easy. And it's not done for bragging rights. It's a decision between you, God and your future spouse. I don't see wherein there lies room for criticism from someone outside of the aforementioned 3.

lifeguard

yaykarin said:

lifeguard said:

  Quote "And we were creative about other physical ways to express intimacy. " Unquote. If he is stroking,kissing and licking your lady parts, isn't that pretty close to having sex ?

Well, to be fair, I didn't give any of those --- tasteful details. 

But even so, I think calling out girls for aiming for virginity but missing the mark, in your opinion, is like sitting on the sidelines calling out running form mistakes to marathon runners.

Not my words or thoughts, yours. So what is your point ?

I get it. There are always a few who ruin it for everyone. And I'm sure there are some women who boast about their "purity" despite behavior which points to the contrary (though, I haven't met any). Or the judgmental type who try to make others feel bad. Neither of those are ok at all.

But for me and many, this is, as a described, a religious sacrifice (and a difficult one!) made to be in obedience to a sacred text and more importantly, a sacred God. I would just caution you to be a little more sensitive and respectful of that. For me and most, I'm sure, this is not easy. And it's not done for bragging rights. It's a decision between you, God and your future spouse. I don't see wherein there lies room for criticism from someone outside of the aforementioned 3.

Fine go and do/don't do what both you and myself believe to be right. Just don't parade the information around in public to brag about it.

aguyouthere

wiggsaj said:

@tarponmonoxide ...

it was not a religious decision by any means.

Your logic seems to be blurred by your judgment.

You think so??? Me thinks this thread, your question, had a hidden agenda... It's very troll like!

wiggsaj said:

It's only sinful outside of marriage. Inside of marriage it is encouraged by God, and He finds it beautiful. I've got a whole book on it called The Act of Marriage. It is a Christian text

You speak about "blurred judgement" but here your doing the complete same thing!

In your case, this is known as being passive-aggressive. A text-book modus operandi, for how  born-again-christians like yourself, think and see of others who are not "Christians", with their 'do as I say not as I do', mentality.

Matthew 7:1-5

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

I'll leave you to your contridictions/judgements and trolling... It's entertaining watching you make a complete fool of yourself...

notyetthere89

Nope I didn't wait. Even within the Christian community you'll rarely find those that wait. Anyone that ever told me that had sex before they were married. I went toa Christian university and within my friend group over half of us didn't wait. Not that that justifies anything... When there's chemistry and attraction, sex is a natural progression of the relationship.

ErikaB123

You go girl! I waited for marriage and it was the best decision I have ever made. I was a virgin our wedding night even though my hubby was not (he had been with one other girl). We dated for 6 and a half years before getting married. Our wedding night was so much fun, so much build up and tension finally being able to be released without any shame or guilt- the way God intends sex to be.

 Don't listen to these other women- if you believe this is the right thing to do, go after it wholeheartedly and God will bless the way you have respected your body and your husbands. My marriage has been full of so many blessings, some of which I know are a direct result of following through with my convictions. It is funny how some of these "open minded" women will tolerate anything as long as it doesn't line up with Biblical morals. The fact that we are even debating your choice to wait til marriage clearly shows the moral depravity in our society. 

I support your choice to wait and in fact, I think it is wonderful!