Disgruntled and Unhappy

ButterflyLilyDragonfly

Hi,

I am new to this forum so hopefully have posted this to the right forum. My husband and I are married for 8 years and we have two small kids (2 and 5). Life is busy. I have a secure job and have been working throughout my pregnancy and returned to work immediately after maternity leave was over. We are very fortunate to be able to save enough money for more than a rainy day. My husband has a secure job also (he's been with his company for 15 yrs).

I am overwhelmed at times juggling work with 2 small kids. Most of all, I feel guilty that I don't spend more time with my kids to develop their character. I have discussed with my husband MANY times about taking a break from work so I can focus on my family. The goal is to take about 2-3 years off and then return to work. But he does not like that idea. Recently he pulled out the calculator to figure out if we can get by without my income. We are $2000 short, but if he stops contributing to 401k and ESPP then we will be fine. What is hurtful is he chooses money over my well being (I am really tired) and his family. Because of this I am extremely disgruntled and unhappy. I am living in a loveless marriage because I don't want my 2 kids to be part of a divorced family (I grew up with divorced parents). I need help and guidance and any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

GilliC

ButterflyLilyDragonfly said:

Hi,

I am new to this forum so hopefully have posted this to the right forum. My husband and I are married for 8 years and we have two small kids (2 and 5). Life is busy. I have a secure job and have been working throughout my pregnancy and returned to work immediately after maternity leave was over. We are very fortunate to be able to save enough money for more than a rainy day. My husband has a secure job also (he's been with his company for 15 yrs).

I am overwhelmed at times juggling work with 2 small kids. Most of all, I feel guilty that I don't spend more time with my kids to develop their character. I have discussed with my husband MANY times about taking a break from work so I can focus on my family. The goal is to take about 2-3 years off and then return to work. But he does not like that idea. Recently he pulled out the calculator to figure out if we can get by without my income. We are $2000 short, but if he stops contributing to 401k and ESPP then we will be fine. What is hurtful is he chooses money over my well being (I am really tired) and his family. Because of this I am extremely disgruntled and unhappy. I am living in a loveless marriage because I don't want my 2 kids to be part of a divorced family (I grew up with divorced parents). I need help and guidance and any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

Stopping contributions to the 401K is a bad idea. If you're counting on the SPP as part of your retirement savings, stopping contributions to that is also a bad idea. If you really want to stop working, you need to find a way to balance the budget, and that includes saving for your future. Is there somewhere else you can save the $2000? 

Is that $2000/month? Or just $2000 total? If it's $2000 total, why don't you suggest a compromise that you take the time off once you save up and set aside the additional money you'd need?

What if you took a part-time job instead of quitting entirely? Could you work part-time from home? Set up an Etsy shop or something on the side to help supplement the household income?

As for staying in a loveless marriage for your kids, I'm going to assume you're just writing out of frustration. If your marriage really is that bad, what kind of example are you setting for your kids? How would you feel if your kids grow up and ended up in a similar relationship, because that's what they think is normal and right?

Ilumine

How is it not hypocritical to demand that your husband become the SOLE financial contributor to your family because YOU are tired?  You are demanding that he work so you can take off.  What if HE wants to take off 2-3 years?  Are you willing to be the sole income?  

Oh wait, you are not, you are not even willing to share in that responsibility. 

Look, I am a SAHM.  But you know how I pulled it off?  I sold my condo at the height of the bubble, bringing in almost $90k, as well as worked for 2 years (pre - kid) and put every single cent of my income into our savings account.  And for the three years we were overseas (where I could not get a job) we put all of the extra monies into our savings so I could stay at home.  

We did not make this decision lightly.  We did not do it without being financially sound. And we did it as a team.  

And if DH ever told me that he needed me to go back to work, I would.  Because the financial solvency of our family is more important than the kids being home with me.  AND THAT INCLUDES OUR RETIREMENT.  

VOR

ButterflyLilyDragonfly said:

I am living in a loveless marriage because I don't want my 2 kids to be part of a divorced family (I grew up with divorced parents).

Look, be realistic.  If you're THIS UNHAPPY (and I would suspect that it goes beyond the SAH/tired issue), staying married is NOT a good thing for your kids.  Your kids WILL pick up on how unhappy you are and they WILL think that this is what marriage is like.  Is this really the lesson you want to teach them?

Two divorced HAPPY parents are better role models for their kids than two married UNHAPPY parents. 

SmrBrd2012

ButterflyLilyDragonfly said:

Hi,

I am new to this forum so hopefully have posted this to the right forum. My husband and I are married for 8 years and we have two small kids (2 and 5). Life is busy. I have a secure job and have been working throughout my pregnancy and returned to work immediately after maternity leave was over. We are very fortunate to be able to save enough money for more than a rainy day. My husband has a secure job also (he's been with his company for 15 yrs).

I am overwhelmed at times juggling work with 2 small kids. Most of all, I feel guilty that I don't spend more time with my kids to develop their character. I have discussed with my husband MANY times about taking a break from work so I can focus on my family. The goal is to take about 2-3 years off and then return to work. But he does not like that idea. Recently he pulled out the calculator to figure out if we can get by without my income. We are $2000 short, but if he stops contributing to 401k and ESPP then we will be fine. What is hurtful is he chooses money over my well being (I am really tired) and his family. Because of this I am extremely disgruntled and unhappy. I am living in a loveless marriage because I don't want my 2 kids to be part of a divorced family (I grew up with divorced parents). I need help and guidance and any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

I get where you are coming from but I think you are being a little selfish. Many moms have to work because they don't have the ability to stay at home with their kids. I will probably be one of them which makes me a little sad but if we need the income, that's just how it will be. Your kids will be just fine, as many who don't have SAHM's are...

It is most definitely not hurtful for your husband to want to continue contributing to his retirement. That is money that will support BOTH of you once you and/or he retires. He's choosing the 401k because it is for your family.

If you are the one having to do most of the child related responsibilities outside of both of your jobs, then you need to sit down with your H and divide up your responsibilities outside of the workplace.

Why do you think you are in a loveless marriage? Are there other issues or just this?

BlueBirdMB

Listen, I truly believe that if you want to be a SAHM, then you can be, but you have to make sacrifices.  Those sacrifices do NOT include not contributing to retirement- just not a good idea.  We lived in a very small condo that was cheap so my mom could be a SAHM.  Can you sell you house and move somewhere smaller?  If you can live in a more affordable home, that will probably make up with difference in income.  Where else can you cut back?  When my mom quit her job, they stopped really all luxuries like eating out, take out, movies, any type of vacations, etc.  These were the sacrifices they made to be home because it was important to them.  It sounds like for you, cutting back on lifestyle is the only way this works.  We bought a house that my husband can support on his income alone so if I want to be a SAHM someday, I can be.

Do you really believe that staying home will help your marriage?  If you're counting on this, I'd think again.  You CHOOSE to be happy or unhappy, and something logistical like this doesn't determine happiness.  This may de-stress you, but it may make more stress for him.  

BlueBirdMB

SmrBrd2012 said:

ButterflyLilyDragonfly said:

Hi,

I am new to this forum so hopefully have posted this to the right forum. My husband and I are married for 8 years and we have two small kids (2 and 5). Life is busy. I have a secure job and have been working throughout my pregnancy and returned to work immediately after maternity leave was over. We are very fortunate to be able to save enough money for more than a rainy day. My husband has a secure job also (he's been with his company for 15 yrs).

I am overwhelmed at times juggling work with 2 small kids. Most of all, I feel guilty that I don't spend more time with my kids to develop their character. I have discussed with my husband MANY times about taking a break from work so I can focus on my family. The goal is to take about 2-3 years off and then return to work. But he does not like that idea. Recently he pulled out the calculator to figure out if we can get by without my income. We are $2000 short, but if he stops contributing to 401k and ESPP then we will be fine. What is hurtful is he chooses money over my well being (I am really tired) and his family. Because of this I am extremely disgruntled and unhappy. I am living in a loveless marriage because I don't want my 2 kids to be part of a divorced family (I grew up with divorced parents). I need help and guidance and any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

I get where you are coming from but I think you are being a little selfish. Many moms have to work because they don't have the ability to stay at home with their kids. I will probably be one of them which makes me a little sad but if we need the income, that's just how it will be. Your kids will be just fine, as many who don't have SAHM's are...

It is most definitely not hurtful for your husband to want to continue contributing to his retirement. That is money that will support BOTH of you once you and/or he retires. He's choosing the 401k because it is for your family.

If you are the one having to do most of the child related responsibilities outside of both of your jobs, then you need to sit down with your H and divide up your responsibilities outside of the workplace.

Why do you think you are in a loveless marriage? Are there other issues or just this?

How is the desire to be a SAHM selfish?  Being a SAHM is a personal choice- it's not for everyone, but if she wants to be, she should be.

GilliC

BlueBirdMB said:

SmrBrd2012 said:

ButterflyLilyDragonfly said:

Hi,

I am new to this forum so hopefully have posted this to the right forum. My husband and I are married for 8 years and we have two small kids (2 and 5). Life is busy. I have a secure job and have been working throughout my pregnancy and returned to work immediately after maternity leave was over. We are very fortunate to be able to save enough money for more than a rainy day. My husband has a secure job also (he's been with his company for 15 yrs).

I am overwhelmed at times juggling work with 2 small kids. Most of all, I feel guilty that I don't spend more time with my kids to develop their character. I have discussed with my husband MANY times about taking a break from work so I can focus on my family. The goal is to take about 2-3 years off and then return to work. But he does not like that idea. Recently he pulled out the calculator to figure out if we can get by without my income. We are $2000 short, but if he stops contributing to 401k and ESPP then we will be fine. What is hurtful is he chooses money over my well being (I am really tired) and his family. Because of this I am extremely disgruntled and unhappy. I am living in a loveless marriage because I don't want my 2 kids to be part of a divorced family (I grew up with divorced parents). I need help and guidance and any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

I get where you are coming from but I think you are being a little selfish. Many moms have to work because they don't have the ability to stay at home with their kids. I will probably be one of them which makes me a little sad but if we need the income, that's just how it will be. Your kids will be just fine, as many who don't have SAHM's are...

It is most definitely not hurtful for your husband to want to continue contributing to his retirement. That is money that will support BOTH of you once you and/or he retires. He's choosing the 401k because it is for your family.

If you are the one having to do most of the child related responsibilities outside of both of your jobs, then you need to sit down with your H and divide up your responsibilities outside of the workplace.

Why do you think you are in a loveless marriage? Are there other issues or just this?

How is the desire to be a SAHM selfish?  Being a SAHM is a personal choice- it's not for everyone, but if she wants to be, she should be.

Because it sounds like she wants to be a SAHM but wants other people to make the sacrifices you were talking about. She's implying that contributing to retirement savings is "choosing money over her well being." Isn't it selfish to insist on that personal choice to be a SAHM over the financial health of the family?

jtmh2012

GilliC said:

Because it sounds like she wants to be a SAHM but wants other people to make the sacrifices you were talking about. She's implying that contributing to retirement savings is "choosing money over her well being." Isn't it selfish to insist on that personal choice to be a SAHM over the financial health of the family?

Technically, it's choosing their present over their future.  He's not taking this money and spending it on beer, or a flashy new car.  He's taking this money and saving it for their future.  He's choosing to make sure his family is well provided for when they're older and may not be able to work.

 

I also find it interesting that the amount they're short just happens to be the amount of the retirement funding.

SmrBrd2012

BlueBirdMB said:

SmrBrd2012 said:

ButterflyLilyDragonfly said:

Hi,

I am new to this forum so hopefully have posted this to the right forum. My husband and I are married for 8 years and we have two small kids (2 and 5). Life is busy. I have a secure job and have been working throughout my pregnancy and returned to work immediately after maternity leave was over. We are very fortunate to be able to save enough money for more than a rainy day. My husband has a secure job also (he's been with his company for 15 yrs).

I am overwhelmed at times juggling work with 2 small kids. Most of all, I feel guilty that I don't spend more time with my kids to develop their character. I have discussed with my husband MANY times about taking a break from work so I can focus on my family. The goal is to take about 2-3 years off and then return to work. But he does not like that idea. Recently he pulled out the calculator to figure out if we can get by without my income. We are $2000 short, but if he stops contributing to 401k and ESPP then we will be fine. What is hurtful is he chooses money over my well being (I am really tired) and his family. Because of this I am extremely disgruntled and unhappy. I am living in a loveless marriage because I don't want my 2 kids to be part of a divorced family (I grew up with divorced parents). I need help and guidance and any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

I get where you are coming from but I think you are being a little selfish. Many moms have to work because they don't have the ability to stay at home with their kids. I will probably be one of them which makes me a little sad but if we need the income, that's just how it will be. Your kids will be just fine, as many who don't have SAHM's are...

It is most definitely not hurtful for your husband to want to continue contributing to his retirement. That is money that will support BOTH of you once you and/or he retires. He's choosing the 401k because it is for your family.

If you are the one having to do most of the child related responsibilities outside of both of your jobs, then you need to sit down with your H and divide up your responsibilities outside of the workplace.

Why do you think you are in a loveless marriage? Are there other issues or just this?

How is the desire to be a SAHM selfish?  Being a SAHM is a personal choice- it's not for everyone, but if she wants to be, she should be.

I'm not at all saying it's selfish in most cases, especially not the desire to be one. It's a ton of work and a huge commitment. I would love to be one when the time comes! I'm saying her specific case is sounding selfish to me- for example not seeming to care about her husband's needs or their future combined needs by trying to get him to stop contributing to retirement.  She also makes it seem like there would be nothing leftover for savings which also puts their family at risk. She seems to want this only because SHE feels guilty with the way things are- which is kind of selfish.

doeydo

VOR said:

ButterflyLilyDragonfly said:

I am living in a loveless marriage because I don't want my 2 kids to be part of a divorced family (I grew up with divorced parents).

Look, be realistic.  If you're THIS UNHAPPY (and I would suspect that it goes beyond the SAH/tired issue), staying married is NOT a good thing for your kids.  Your kids WILL pick up on how unhappy you are and they WILL think that this is what marriage is like.  Is this really the lesson you want to teach them?

Two divorced HAPPY parents are better role models for their kids than two married UNHAPPY parents. 

This. 

 Is this the kind of example you want to show your children?  That what you have is what a proper relationship and marriage is?  "Once you get with someone, stick it out no matter how unhappy, unloved, and miserable you are".  Children will also pick up on your moods and things you wouldn't even think that they would, so they are indeed aware. 

TarponMonoxide

ButterflyLilyDragonfly said:

Hi,

I am new to this forum so hopefully have posted this to the right forum. My husband and I are married for 8 years and we have two small kids (2 and 5). Life is busy. I have a secure job and have been working throughout my pregnancy and returned to work immediately after maternity leave was over. We are very fortunate to be able to save enough money for more than a rainy day. My husband has a secure job also (he's been with his company for 15 yrs).

I am overwhelmed at times juggling work with 2 small kids. Most of all, I feel guilty that I don't spend more time with my kids to develop their character. I have discussed with my husband MANY times about taking a break from work so I can focus on my family. The goal is to take about 2-3 years off and then return to work. But he does not like that idea. Recently he pulled out the calculator to figure out if we can get by without my income. We are $2000 short, but if he stops contributing to 401k and ESPP then we will be fine. What is hurtful is he chooses money over my well being (I am really tired) and his family. Because of this I am extremely disgruntled and unhappy. I am living in a loveless marriage because I don't want my 2 kids to be part of a divorced family (I grew up with divorced parents). I need help and guidance and any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

Did he grow up in a home where money was tight? or where both or one parent was very stingy?

That may be part of the problem. He learned what he saw.

No matter what: counseling for the 2 of you. As they say, "money isn't everything."  He can't keep prizing money over the value of his family.

KonaCoffeeBean

BlueBirdMB said:

SmrBrd2012 said:

ButterflyLilyDragonfly said:

Hi,

I am new to this forum so hopefully have posted this to the right forum. My husband and I are married for 8 years and we have two small kids (2 and 5). Life is busy. I have a secure job and have been working throughout my pregnancy and returned to work immediately after maternity leave was over. We are very fortunate to be able to save enough money for more than a rainy day. My husband has a secure job also (he's been with his company for 15 yrs).

I am overwhelmed at times juggling work with 2 small kids. Most of all, I feel guilty that I don't spend more time with my kids to develop their character. I have discussed with my husband MANY times about taking a break from work so I can focus on my family. The goal is to take about 2-3 years off and then return to work. But he does not like that idea. Recently he pulled out the calculator to figure out if we can get by without my income. We are $2000 short, but if he stops contributing to 401k and ESPP then we will be fine. What is hurtful is he chooses money over my well being (I am really tired) and his family. Because of this I am extremely disgruntled and unhappy. I am living in a loveless marriage because I don't want my 2 kids to be part of a divorced family (I grew up with divorced parents). I need help and guidance and any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

I get where you are coming from but I think you are being a little selfish. Many moms have to work because they don't have the ability to stay at home with their kids. I will probably be one of them which makes me a little sad but if we need the income, that's just how it will be. Your kids will be just fine, as many who don't have SAHM's are...

It is most definitely not hurtful for your husband to want to continue contributing to his retirement. That is money that will support BOTH of you once you and/or he retires. He's choosing the 401k because it is for your family.

If you are the one having to do most of the child related responsibilities outside of both of your jobs, then you need to sit down with your H and divide up your responsibilities outside of the workplace.

Why do you think you are in a loveless marriage? Are there other issues or just this?

How is the desire to be a SAHM selfish?  Being a SAHM is a personal choice- it's not for everyone, but if she wants to be, she should be.

Boxers or briefs, pads or tampons--those are personal choices. Unless you're a single parent, becoming a SAHM is a MARITAL decision. If her husband isn't on board, then it's selfish.

keverhart123

I think it's wonderful when women can be SAHMs. But it's very difficult for that to happen these days with the economy the way it is. Like the others said, for him to not contribute to his 401k is a big mistake. That is his retirement, and what will keep you guys going when you both decide to retire. 

Your oldest is 5? So he/she should be close to starting kindergarden right? Assuming you work a 8-4 or 9-5 job, they're probably at school most of the time you are work. So then there's your 2 year old. At that age, I believe that them being at a sitter is great. They learn to share with kids, make friends, and when it's time for them to go to school it doesn't make it as hard on them with the separation to go. 

At the same time, I understand your point. Shaping and molding their character is important. You want to teach them things, raise them, and just be a parent. Like one of the others asked, can you compromise and get a part time job? That way there is still income coming in and you can spend more time with your kids? Or try to find a job working from home? That might me a more difficult option but it doesn't hurt to try. If your husband isn't on board, find a way to compromise so you can BOTH be happy. And maybe that will help with your marriage. I agree with who said "It's better to have happy unmarried parents than unhappy married parents" My mom and dad faught. And I still remember that to this day. The ended up divorcing and I honestly couldn't even picture them together ever again, nor would I want to. I love them both dearly but they are better, happier people apart. It didn't ruin me. My husband and I both want a marriage that lasts. But happiness is EXTREMELY important. You don't want your kids to remember you guys fighting and having constant tension towards one another.

I wish you the best of luck with this decision, and hopefully everyone's advice will help you out.

NoneForUs

I am going to speak as someone whose parents stayed together "for the kids". 

My parents' marriage made me not want to get married. I see my mother as a martyr and a doormat. I see my father as very lazy and selfish. I wish that my mother was strong enough to walk away because I would have respected her more, which would have been better for our relationship in the long run. 

Though my husband is quiet and loving like my dear old dad, he doesn't sit on his ass and expect me to do everything. He also isn't unfaithful as far as I know. The way my husband treated me changed my mind about marriage. 

Do your children a favor and amicably divorce. They will be better off in the long run. 

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a SAHM. However, if your family needs your income then you will need to find a way to deal with being a working mother. Your husband needs to save for your retirement. I like the suggestion about working part time. 

Kildare47

I would also like to add that if you are contemplating divorce, now is not a good time to eliminate your own income. If you're seriously thinking you might want to break away, it's probably wise to maintain as much financial independence as possible. 

Disneygeek77

Taking a two or three years off to stay at home and then going back to work at the same level isn't always possible.  That could mean a huge pay cut when you do go back and your career might not ever recover.  

ButterflyLilyDragonfly

Thanks everyone for your input. You guys are awesome and gave me perspectives that I never thought about. I admit I am a little selfish in not considering my husband's feelings. But here's a tidbit more info to clear up some questions.

1) My husband and myself have been contributing to our 401k since our first job out of college. Together we have enough to afford a nice retirement (it's more than 500k) and that is not factoring in social security and other sources of income (such as selling stocks). Therefore, it will not put a huge dent in our retirement if we both stop contributing (i.e. I quit my job and he stops contributing). By the time we retire, our house will have been paid off and the kids will be out of college.

2) We have a rental property. We can sell it any time. It will make a nice profit. The hubby wants to hold on to it to make more profit.

3) The current savings we have in the bank can easily sustain our monthly expenses for 2-3 years even if we have to withdraw $2000/month to pay our bills. I plan to cut back where I can when I stop working to make this amount even smaller. For example, one member mentioned not eating out and this is an excellent area to cut back. The reason why we eat out/take out is because I work long hours on some days and do not have time to cook at home. I still try to make meals at least 3x per week, so this is work in progress.

With the above info, I do feel that he is choosing money over our family's well being. We have been working hard and saving hard, and I am burnt out to the point where I am moody, which affects the entire family. We have taken vacations, but those with kids know that any vacation with kids is not relaxing. I don't think any amount of vacation is going to help, even if we're alone.

The reason why I want to take time off is so I can take a break and focus on my family. I want to spend more time with my kids and hubby and cook gourmet meals. I want to take my kids to the park and the zoo more often, and not just on the weekends. We CAN afford to do this without hurting our financial well being too much. And that is why I am sad. To him, it is all about working and saving money. I feel that in life money is not everything. It's true that the more money you have, the more unhappy you are.

I do know that taking 2-3 years off work is a risk in terms of my career. But if I have to choose between my family or my career then I choose my family. I think this is the area where my husband fears the most, and that is why he is not supportive of me taking time off work.

I think I will seek marriage counseling because this one issue has been discussed over and over for more than 3 years. It's hurting our marriage and I am really disgruntled and pissed.

GilliC

Thanks everyone for your input. You guys are awesome and gave me perspectives that I never thought about. I admit I am a little selfish in not considering my husband's feelings. But here's a tidbit more info to clear up some questions.

1) My husband and myself have been contributing to our 401k since our first job out of college. Together we have enough to afford a nice retirement (it's more than 500k) and that is not factoring in social security and other sources of income (such as selling stocks). Therefore, it will not put a huge dent in our retirement if we both stop contributing (i.e. I quit my job and he stops contributing). By the time we retire, our house will have been paid off and the kids will be out of college.

2) We have a rental property. We can sell it any time. It will make a nice profit. The hubby wants to hold on to it to make more profit.

3) The current savings we have in the bank can easily sustain our monthly expenses for 2-3 years even if we have to withdraw $2000/month to pay our bills. I plan to cut back where I can when I stop working to make this amount even smaller. For example, one member mentioned not eating out and this is an excellent area to cut back. The reason why we eat out/take out is because I work long hours on some days and do not have time to cook at home. I still try to make meals at least 3x per week, so this is work in progress.

With the above info, I do feel that he is choosing money over our family's well being. We have been working hard and saving hard, and I am burnt out to the point where I am moody, which affects the entire family. We have taken vacations, but those with kids know that any vacation with kids is not relaxing. I don't think any amount of vacation is going to help, even if we're alone.

The reason why I want to take time off is so I can take a break and focus on my family. I want to spend more time with my kids and hubby and cook gourmet meals. I want to take my kids to the park and the zoo more often, and not just on the weekends. We CAN afford to do this without hurting our financial well being too much. And that is why I am sad. To him, it is all about working and saving money. I feel that in life money is not everything. It's true that the more money you have, the more unhappy you are.

I do know that taking 2-3 years off work is a risk in terms of my career. But if I have to choose between my family or my career then I choose my family. I think this is the area where my husband fears the most, and that is why he is not supportive of me taking time off work.

I think I will seek marriage counseling because this one issue has been discussed over and over for more than 3 years. It's hurting our marriage and I am really disgruntled and pissed.

Back when you were evaluating your decision whether or not to get married, did you discuss this? Or was it something you only started considering later?

Has your H explained why he wants to put more into retirement? There are a lot of people who wouldn't be comfortable with $500k for retirement (check out the MM board) so maybe he doesn't feel that it's a choice.

Couples counseling sounds like an excellent idea.

Ilumine

ButterflyLilyDragonfly said:

Thanks everyone for your input. You guys are awesome and gave me perspectives that I never thought about. I admit I am a little selfish in not considering my husband's feelings. But here's a tidbit more info to clear up some questions.

1) My husband and myself have been contributing to our 401k since our first job out of college. Together we have enough to afford a nice retirement (it's more than 500k) and that is not factoring in social security and other sources of income (such as selling stocks). Therefore, it will not put a huge dent in our retirement if we both stop contributing (i.e. I quit my job and he stops contributing). By the time we retire, our house will have been paid off and the kids will be out of college.

2) We have a rental property. We can sell it any time. It will make a nice profit. The hubby wants to hold on to it to make more profit.

3) The current savings we have in the bank can easily sustain our monthly expenses for 2-3 years even if we have to withdraw $2000/month to pay our bills. I plan to cut back where I can when I stop working to make this amount even smaller. For example, one member mentioned not eating out and this is an excellent area to cut back. The reason why we eat out/take out is because I work long hours on some days and do not have time to cook at home. I still try to make meals at least 3x per week, so this is work in progress.

With the above info, I do feel that he is choosing money over our family's well being. We have been working hard and saving hard, and I am burnt out to the point where I am moody, which affects the entire family. We have taken vacations, but those with kids know that any vacation with kids is not relaxing. I don't think any amount of vacation is going to help, even if we're alone.

The reason why I want to take time off is so I can take a break and focus on my family. I want to spend more time with my kids and hubby and cook gourmet meals. I want to take my kids to the park and the zoo more often, and not just on the weekends. We CAN afford to do this without hurting our financial well being too much. And that is why I am sad. To him, it is all about working and saving money. I feel that in life money is not everything. It's true that the more money you have, the more unhappy you are.

I do know that taking 2-3 years off work is a risk in terms of my career. But if I have to choose between my family or my career then I choose my family. I think this is the area where my husband fears the most, and that is why he is not supportive of me taking time off work.

I think I will seek marriage counseling because this one issue has been discussed over and over for more than 3 years. It's hurting our marriage and I am really disgruntled and pissed.

I get it.  

But I throw back at you...why do YOU get to be the Stay at Home Parent and HE has to be the Working Parent?

Sometimes It doesn't matter that there is money in the bank or the big enough income to support it.  Sometimes it boils down to the fact that you are EQUAL PARTNERS and being stay at home is not an equal division of the partnership. 

I am stay at home, but not by choice (finances and requirements for SS). My husband is never resentful towards ME, but is 100% resentful that HE doesn't get to be the one staying home (again who got to stay home was based on who got the better job).  

You seem to be focusing on what YOU want and what YOU need to be happy without a thought about your husband's wants and maybe even needs. 

If it is so important for the kids to have a parent in the house, why don't you let HIM stay home?

ButterflyLilyDragonfly

Hi Ilumine,

My husband has the higher income and more stable job. He's been with his company for 15 years and is quite happy there, whereas I have only been with my job for 3 years. The majority of the child rearing work is done by me. I have 2 girls and my older one especially prefers me over him. He has never mentioned wanting to be a stay at home dad and will not be happy doing so. Leaving him alone with one child on the weekend stresses him out. I don't understand why you are stay at home, but not by choice. If your husband is resentful about this, then why don't you just go back to work?

ButterflyLilyDragonfly

Hi GilliC,

Unfortunately we've never discussed taking some time off after having kids before we got married. He wants to put more into retirement because he is a saver. Save save save.

Thanks.

BlueBirdMB

OP, I totally get where you're coming from.  I understand why you would need to be the stay at home parent and how you've gone through you're numbers and why you feel you can make this happen.  My one warning is this- 500k is not enough for 2 people to retire.  They say you need a million each, which most people never get.  But if you have the opportunity to get there (i.e. continue saving) then you should.  That's just my advice.  I still think that you have wiggle room to finagle this thing.  Your husband needs to see your point of view- that this is the best option for your family.

And for everyone who went through the whole "selfish" thing- I really thought that poster was saying that SAHMs were selfish.  Reading fail.

jtmh2012

ButterflyLilyDragonfly said:

Unfortunately we've never discussed taking some time off after having kids before we got married. He wants to put more into retirement because he is a saver. Save save save.

There is no such thing as saving too much money for retirement.  As others have said, $500k just isn't enough.

Ilumine

ButterflyLilyDragonfly said:

Hi Ilumine,

My husband has the higher income and more stable job. He's been with his company for 15 years and is quite happy there, whereas I have only been with my job for 3 years. The majority of the child rearing work is done by me. I have 2 girls and my older one especially prefers me over him. He has never mentioned wanting to be a stay at home dad and will not be happy doing so. Leaving him alone with one child on the weekend stresses him out. I don't understand why you are stay at home, but not by choice. If your husband is resentful about this, then why don't you just go back to work?

So I should but you should not?

I became SAH when we were stationed overseas for 3 years.  I do not exaggerate when I say that I could not find a job that would bring in enough money to cover the costs of daycare (due to DH's rank and the sliding scale payments system by both the base and off base providers).  

And when we moved back to the US, we moved to an area where again, the job market vs child care options truly precluded me working.  But I have NOT STOPPED LOOKING for something that would allow me an income that superseded the day care costs. 

But now that DD is heading to kindergarten, guess who is going back to work to help defray the costs and take the burden off of my husband's shoulders.  FOR DD, my stepchildren and for us. 

Because as one of the PP stated, $500,000 is not nearly enough to have in savings.  That means that at the age of 70, you will have to live off $500,000 until you die, which could be anywhere from 10 to 30 years, depending on how your health care covers you. 

Look, i am not discounting the desire to be at home.  I am not knocking the amazing benefits for children who have a SAHM mother.  But it has to be a MUTUALLY AGREED UPON decision or it does not work.  

And unless your children are truly suffering, then maybe you need to look at some sort of compromise with your DH.

 

Ilumine

Have you thought of pushing off your SAHM for 1 year.  Then for that entire year, you save every single cent of your salary. 

This will allow for a good amount of savings.  It will allow you to figure out your One Income Budget with a savings net.  And it will let you both FEEL what it will be like living on that one budget.  

By that, I mean you truly cut everything out to allow for your DH's income to cover all of the same/current savings costs.  So you get rid of cable, lower your internet speed, cut down to one car, cut your grocery bills, etc during that year to show your DH that you CAN live on one salary while still putting the same amount of money into the 401K (something that you are no longer doing with your salary, so HIS will have to be bumped up to cover your loss). 

DH and I did that the day we got married.  We both knew that I would lose my job once he was stationed somewhere else.  We were not thinking about staying at home for the children as much as having to cover two people under one salary.  

We learned how to do it before we got custody of SS and had DD.  

SlurpeeLove

If your husband sat down and went over the math with you, that doesn't mean he's choosing money over you.  He's contributing to his retirement so that one day, you BOTH can stay home.  It's unfair of you to say that he's choosing money over you when you plainly cannot afford it.  

Further, as a child of divorce, it would have been much more scarring to have my parents living in a loveless marriage.  Your children need a healthy relationship to reference when they get older.  Consider working on your marriage before reconsidering being a stay at home mom.

ButterflyLilyDragonfly

Thanks for your advice. Right now my salary is paying all the bills, while my husband's is going directly into savings. We withdraw from savings only when we are short on funds for things like property tax. And we did cut back on utilities, so we're kind of already living off the model you had suggested. I do admit we can cut back on food costs from the take/eat outs. I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard time finding a job that pays more than the costs of daycare. I hope you are getting paid for this. And yes I do agree that being a SAHM should be a mutually agreed upon decision, that is why I am still working today. The thing is, I'm not saying I want to be a SAHM for the rest of my life. Just 2-3 years off while my kids are still young so I can spend more time with them and build their foundation. I do plan to go back to work once my 2 year old enters Kindergarten. Understandably, it will be harder to enter the work force after taking 2-3 years off. But it's not something that is unheard of in the industry I work in.

ButterflyLilyDragonfly

Thanks for your advice, I think I will do that.

RamaLamaDD

I can see both sides - I have had a really hard time with working and having a LO. But there is no way DH can support both of us. He pays the mortgage and insurance and does the saving, and I pay the utilities, groceries, my car, and little things. There is no extra money. We have barely any savings.

You just have to be reasonable. If it's not in the picture it's not in the picture. I'm exhausted all the time, and extremely sad when people say how wonderful our LO is because I honestly think it is all coming from the sitters, not us.

That said, DH and I have said many times that if something ever changed that our finances would allow me to stay home, he'd be on board in a minute. He doesn't want me to work, and I think he feels really bad that I have to (we come from a smaller community where a lot of the wives don't work) so I try not to bring it up much.

SheMarie82

ButterflyLilyDragonfly said:

I am living in a loveless marriage because I don't want my 2 kids to be part of a divorced family (I grew up with divorced parents). I need help and guidance and any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

If this is honestly true, you need to think about what you are teaching your children about relationships.  Children recreate what they have experienced.  This means that if you do not show love to your spouse, they will think that is the rule, not the exception.  This is more unfair to you and them than having them grow up in a divorced family.  It is better for them to have two separate happy parents than unhappy married parents.