how to really budget "together"

KatieCutie05

Well my husband and I are still trying to solve our previous problem. To sum up i think he's depressed, i've never seen him so down before, he's such a tough guy and i sware it looked like he's had to fight back tears. I hate seeing him like this. Right now boats off the table unless the inheritance comes through and we're trying to see when we can afford to trade in the jetta for a truck. Right now its a 12k budget (even trade) but 16k would go a long way so he might stick it out a little longer to get a better one.  He knows what will work with the budget -i let him sit down with the excel spreadsheet and he was experimenting cutting things so he could fit in the gas bill for the truck. So i think he gets it. 

Point being - overall it seems our underlying problem is that we've stopped working together and he feels controlled like him treating him like a child saying no all the time instead of an adult. Okay okay the mans got a point. 

My husband doesn't trust me anymore with money because every single thing he's ever wanted to spend money on before it was always just a "no" or "its not in the budget, wait till next month". And the bigger expenses i always said no to. Always. But in my defense he is a BIG spender - he needs me to say no sometimes... but i probably should atleast consider it and talk about it before i dismiss everything immediately.

 But its not like we ever follow the budget anyway - its just tracking our expenses really and if we go over, we go over. I look at it about halfway through and let him know how he's doing on his spending money and if its getting tight he'll try to cut down and only get whats necessary for the rest of the month... but it still goes over. Groceries i've been bad at, gas sometimes will go over cus well we still need to get to work. In the end our actual savings/debt payment amount is always lower.  

How do you really STICK to a budget and work together. What are we doing wrong? Right now i'm thinking writing up the budget in pencil instead of my printed excel budget - so he can easily just erase something or add something - maybe it will phsychologically feel less "final". And using cash for spending money and groceries is all i got. 

Our other problem is if/how we should plan for his income from his second job. We've been treating that as "extra" and just putting it toward debt/savings. But i feel like he should maybe get to save some of that on his own- maybe a small pecentage so he gets something out of working more. its so variable so its hard to budget it in. it could be 400 but it could be 900 so idk if i should keep it out of the budget but try to make a prioritized spending plan with it or what. 

CuriousKiddosMama

I totally recommend using cash and the envelope system. It has helped me out a ton- and I was the spender out of the 2 of us. It is harder for me to spend cash than to pull out my card, so since we only use cash now I really think about whether or not we need/want it. And if the envelope is empty- then I CANT buy it.

"My husband doesn't trust me anymore with money because every single thing he's ever wanted to spend money on before it was always just a "no" or "its not in the budget, wait till next month". And the bigger expenses i always said no to. Always. But in my defense he is a BIG spender - he needs me to say no sometimes... but i probably should atleast consider it and talk about it before i dismiss everything immediately."

Since August is about to begin- create your budget together. And I would totally do it pen and paper this month. Have your July spreadsheet printed out next to you as a reference, to help you see what has been spent on categories in a previous month, but create the budget together. Do you have the total money makeover by Dave Ramsey? If so he has a budget sheet in the back of the book that can be used as a guide. It has the most important stuff at the top of the sheet. Maybe then he will feel like an equal partner.

So far as the big purchases go- next time he asks your opinion, have what Dave calls an emergency budget meeting. Pull out the paper and ask him what he would want to change for the rest of the month in order to get this must have now item. That way you aren't saying no, and hopefully he will either give up something else in the budget, or realize that there isn't money this month for it.

I don't remember, but do you do 'fun' money? I know you said he is a major spender so $20 or $50 a month probably won't make him 100% happy- but it may give him more of a feeling of control.

Finally so far as the second job- Have your 0 based budget. Then have a list of items that we would spend money on next. The first 100 is for this, then this then this. If 900 is the most he generally makes, create a list that is for $900. If you only get $400 that month oh well because those are all 'extras' (not necessarily fun stuff, but extra debt payments or whatever). DH does get bonuses almost every year and we have always agreed that he can take some of that to buy something he wants, but we are talking 10% or less. If that is something that will make him happy- while not slowing you down too much, it may be worth it. The first $50 is for him, then we go through our list of what we want to put the extra $ towards.

als1982

How to make it work? Willpower and self-control. Teamwork starts with you making decisions together. It may involve some disagreements and trial and error on the system that works best for you both, but if you're both willing and committed, you'll get there. I hope you can find a system that works for you!! 

brij2006

First off, I would go to daveramsey.com and click on "Classes."  Find a Financial Peace University nearest you and sign up for it.  Both of you attend every single class and go through it together.  He needs to hear it from a 3rd party of what the "plan" is with your budget and debt and how important this is.  He needs to get himself in the mindset that nothing else matters right now.  There should be no negotiating on getting him a truck. He doesn't NEED a truck, that's a want.  A want that will put you 12k-16k deeper into the hole.  Just because you can attempt to squeeze that "payment" into the budget doesn't mean it still doesn't add debt to your goal of GETTING OUT OF DEBT.

Okay, I'll stop that now....

Sit down with him and put together the budget.  Not unrealistic numbers, actual factual numbers that are compared to the month before but while making a few cuts.  The first few months of budgeting there's going to be some room for error or going over and under in a few areas.  That's okay.  No 2 months are the same.  However, if you find that cash may be easier in some categories, then switch to that.  Have an envelope with the money in it.  Groceries was my hardest to stay within budget or under.  So now I pull out $100/week from the ATM and that's my grocery money.  If there's anything left over from 1 week to the next then I put it in a different spot in my purse and know that's for groceries only.  If I get up to the register and my total is $103 and there's only $100 in my wallet for groceries, then $3 worth of something goes back.  It's just something that has to be done.

Also it sounds like for both of your sanities you need to add in some "blow money."  An amount of money that each person can use without being judged.  It comes as cash and there are no questions asked.

It is also very normal to have a budget meeting once or twice a month.  We started our strict budget in December and put it together at the end of November then sat down on the 15th to see how we were doing in each category.  It was then that we realized we would need to slow down with eating out or buying groceries.  It's okay to sit down together multiple times within the month and see where you're at with the budget.  It helps each party to know how much money is left and to know how many times you will need to say "no" to doing things or going places.

brij2006

You know that I'm blunt so here it is....

Also I'm going to add that right now, even if you get the inheritance, the boat is still a no go.  What if something happens during your pregnancy and you're on bed-rest for the last 2 months without any income?  Hey, but there's a cool $3k boat sitting in the driveway.

Pregnancy is a time to be in survival mode.  Sell things, live on a strict budget, and hoard every bit of cash possible. So many things can happen, and you will be so mad at yourself if you can't afford to keep the lights on but you spent the inheritance on a boat to satisfy your H's short-term want.  He will resent the child because he thinks that's why you're broke, and you will resent the boat because he thought he needed it.  It's just setting yourselves up for disaster not only financially but for your marriage. 

Xstatic3333

I feel frustrated by your H on your behalf. I know we only hear one side on the boards, but yikes. He's depressed about sticking to a budget? Really not okay.

My first recommendation is to see a counselor and/or pastor or religious leader together. I think whatever it costs will be money well spent. If your H is really that down, maybe he should see someone alone too. You guys have so many changes going on, I'm tempted to think this isn't really just about budgeting. I saw a therapist once while going through a hard time (being a caretaker for a friend with cancer) and found it so helpful and productive. I only needed a few sessions to feel worlds better.

From an actual budget perspective, my H took some work too. I've been creating a zero-based budget since September, but really got him to care about it around March. What I learned as we talked about our money together was that while I found the boundaries of a zero-based budget freeing because I love to plan ahead, he found them restrictive and frustrating as a general "last minute" person. He'd often forget at our budget meeting, for example, that he needed an oil change or a work shirt and wouldn't remember until it was too late.

I dealt with this by creating an "H Buffer" line item in our budget. It's about $120 a month, and he usually only spends about half of it. It's not fun money, and he puts any leftover in savings at the end of the month. But, it gave him the comfort to follow the rest of the budget faithfully instead of ignoring it and treating it as a recommendation. Ideal? No. But I pick my battles.

On the second job thing-I have one too and I tend to save most of it. I sometimes use some for hobbies, but always run it by H first. If your H is finally ready to be a team player overall, I think it would be reasonable for him to put a percentage (not all!) towards hobbies if other goals are being met by your regular salaries.

brij2006

Forgot to touch on the 2nd job thing.  I have a 2nd job that I bring in anywhere from $100-$500/month with.  30% of it stays in the account to go toward my expenses (it's direct sales), and the other 70% goes into our savings account until baby gets here.  Before getting pregnant that 70% went toward debt.  I do not spend any of it on "me" things, and H does not get to spend any of it.  It's strictly being done to get us out of debt as soon as possible.

jlaOK

It will take a few months to find a budget that works for you guys, so don't get discouraged.

We use a cash envelope system and I think it's one of the biggest ways we stay on budget.  You can't spend it if you don't have it and we tend to spend less when we see how little is left in each envelope.

I don't see a problem with him keeping a little bit of "fun money" from his 2nd job, especially since he is the spender.  I would say that he gets 10% of whatever we brings home each month and the rest goes to savings.

I wouldn't put his 2nd job money into the budget since it is inconsistent.  Since you are pregnant, all of your "extra" money should go to savings (per Dave Ramsey's plan).  After that you'll be on baby step 2 (debt snowball) and it'll just go towards whatever debt you are paying on.  Like @brij2006 said I would highly recommend Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace classes, or his Total Money Makeover book (or CD's).  Both will give you and your husband an clear step-by-step plan to follow.

vlagrl29

I'm not really a dave ramsey follower but I do think going to his classes like PP suggested would be really beneficial for you guys.  Just my opinion - I wouldn't blow inheritance on a boat or any "big toy" item.  I would invest it either in your retirement account or a emergency savings type of thing.  Just FYI - whenever you do get the inheritance it will be taxable income.  Don't know if it's a big chunk of money, but you will want to save for the taxes on it if you actually do "spend" it.

vlagrl29

brij2006 said:

Forgot to touch on the 2nd job thing.  I have a 2nd job that I bring in anywhere from $100-$500/month with.  30% of it stays in the account to go toward my expenses (it's direct sales), and the other 70% goes into our savings account until baby gets here.  Before getting pregnant that 70% went toward debt.  I do not spend any of it on "me" things, and H does not get to spend any of it.  It's strictly being done to get us out of debt as soon as possible.

That's very similar to how we spend the profit I make on weddings.  I divide it into 3rds - 1/3rd goes towards my business account, 1/3rd goes into our IRAs and the other 1/3rd goes towards replenishing our emergency fund.

hoffse

I have to agree with PP's on many of their points.  It might be a good idea for your H to see somebody... if nothing else then to help him release this attachment he has to stuff.  I like shopping as much as the next person, but at the end of the day, my needs are pretty minimal.  And if I can't afford it, I don't buy it, and then I get over it.  My H is the same way.  I assume/hope that your H's mood can be attributed to something else as well... but as you describe it, it sounds like he's basically depressed because he's not able to spend money.  The root of that is not ok.  H and I are able to get on the same page because we both have very similar needs.  And it doesn't really bother us to not be able to spend money during tight months.

I also agree about the truck.  He does not need a truck.  The car he drives might not be as "manly" as he wants (or whatever), but you guys have much more practical concerns than his man-card right now.  The only question you guys should be asking regarding his car right now is, "Will this car seat fit in it?"  (ps: if the answer is "no" then find a car seat that WILL fit).

Re: second jobs - Frankly, I'm with Brij on this one.  I don't have a second job, but my current job pays bonuses at the end of the year, and H's upcoming job will as well.  Bonuses for us are a way to jump-start or complete financial goals.  Examples: finishing our emergency fund, paying off a loan, paying for a necessary home improvement project, funding a 529 for kids' college, etc.  We really don't blow it on "fun," and we don't "split" it between us.  It doesn't really matter who earns it because it all ends up in the same account.  Maybe someday we'll use it for vacations, but we're a long ways away from that.  We're ok with that.

Point is, I think the issue here is his fundamental relationship with money.  You guys need to address that if you're ever going to break this cycle.  Saving/not spending should not be a depressing thing.

Sisugal

I like the book Smart Couples Finish Rich by David Bach.  It helps you explore your emotional relationship with money along with your values and goals first before getting into any money issues. It is a good read .  Do the exercises and share your answers.  It will help you understand each other better where money is concerned which builds a foundation to work together to map out a plan that works for you both.

formerlyGDaisy09

I am not a Dave Ramsey follower either, but PPs all make good points.  My H has (does) suffer from depression, and when he goes to that place it's zero fun for everyone involved. That said, i agree that it does sound like not being able to spend money, or feeling like you control the money, is the source of his depression. Now, if it's the former he needs to find a counselor and work through that issue, if it's the latter I'd encourage you both to seek couples counseling and figure out how you can adjust things so he feels a little bit more in control and you guys can work as a team. 

your H does not NEED a truck, I forget if you own the jetta or are still making payments, regardless a truck introduces higher operating costs, even just from a fuel consumption standpoint, and you do not need those costs. 

H and I both work 2 jobs (i work 3 if my direct sales side-business counts...though lately I haven't been doing much with that) almost all of the "extra" money goes towards paying off debts or meeting other collective financial goals, not towards "fun" or splurging. H also collects a lot of overtime headed into the holidays and most of that gets diverted to savings. even though I'm not a DR follower I agree with the concept that pregnancy is an "emergency" situation, all your extra money should be going towards preparing for baby and into savings in the event that you're out of work for more than a standard maternity leave. Do not even consider buying a boat, truck, or other toy until you and baby are home and healthy. 

You and your H need to figure out how to work through this and make him feel like he is an equal partner in making smart money decisions. I know while we were in the midst of paying off all my H's CC debt he felt defeated a lot of the time, and it's taken him a while to grasp what we actually accomplished and refocus on new goals. one thing I've found helpful (because I'm a dork and love playing with excel) is to figure out how long until we can reach our next goals and where there's extra cash "hiding" to help us meet those goals faster, this gives both me and H motivation to keep going and working towards our goals. 

for example, our biggest goal right now is to finish half of our basement into a "guest suite" of sorts before we start TTC. H has always been sort of blasé when it came to this project, mainly because he didn't think we had the cash to do it. however once I got a quote and went through and adjusted how we're distributing money to various savings accounts, and figured we'd have the cash to take on the project by January/February his motivation shifted and now he's the one figuring out where theres some extra in our budgent that can go to the project. He gets excited watching the savings accounts grow.  Can you find some way to get your H feeling good about building savings or paying down debt? 

It seems a lot like you're the one watching the money and scolding him when it's not where it should be, that is not a healthy relationship.  Is there a way you can get him more involved in the money part of your relationship? does he take care of any of the bills? for us it's worked to have H manage the utilities (internet, water, electirc, trash) and I manage the household stuff (groceries, household goods) it gives him a real picture of where a good chunk of our money goes and since I do all the grocery shopping I know where our grocery budget stands ever time I go into the store (we stay on budget if we spend about $90 a week, so i know if I go over one week I need to be careful to be under the next). 

as far as the grocery shopping goes I highly recommend careful planning week-to-week, I've got a handfull of about 100 recipies that are all fairly inexpensive that we rotate through our menu, I'm careful to make sure that recipies use like ingredients (ie. if one recipe needs 1/4 lb of bacon i find a couple other recipies that also use bacon so that the entire package gets put to good use) I make a list and stick to it. I've found Cooking Light does a really good job highlighting budget friendly recipies.  We also do several vegetarian recipies a week (often with eggs for protein), cutting the meat out several days a week significantly dropped our spending....and when we do eat meat I feel like I can "splurge" on higher quality cuts (in quotes because I still stick to my budget. 

You guys need to have a serious conversation about what your financial goals in the next 5 years are and what you need to do to accomplish those goals, so the mone conversations are less about wants and needs right now and more about being smart with money to put yourselves where you want to be 5-10 years from now. 

KatieCutie05

He's not "depressed" because he just wants to spend spend spend by any stretch of the imagination and i didn't mean for it to come off that way. He doesn't buy anything but lunches/ dinners out during work. My husband really is a good man. He's just not the type of guy that can be happy with not doing anything with his life. The boat or the truck isn't just a "i want" thing for him, it represents who he is and every single thing he wants to "do" involves either a truck or a boat. He doesn't want to just go to the lake and sit there - he wants to DO something like be out on a boat having fun. He doesn't even want to go to a concert/sporting event if he can't tailgate with the truck because thats half the fun to him. He's always had multiple hobbies and all of them always always always involved either a truck, a boat, or a sportscar. I offered him extra spending money and he doesn't want it, he'd rather continue to very very little and get the truck or boat.  he just wants one of the three. If we can't get it now then he wants a exact timeframe and goal to work toward getting it in the nearish future - even if its a year away. He's just not the type of guy that will ever be okay with just working to pay bills and never enjoy his life or have any sort of fun from all that hardwork.

Right now we have nothing. No hope for our financial future, no hope that he will EVER get the debt paid off, its just work work work so we can pay bills and float by. He knows the reality of the situation. And when i said that we are thinking about a truck... i mean currently today thats what we are thinking. We change our mind just about every day because we can't figure out what to do. We know how much debt we have, we know we have a baby to pay for and all the unexpected emergencies and thats why we're saving, we've done all the Dave ramsey everything a year ago and now we know that the reality of the situation is what we've been doing isn't working, we can't do the "gazelle intensity" route and never have a life because this is going to take forever. 

If we are happy and working together and my husband has that outlet to pursue his hobby - then we will end up getting a lot more accomplished then me sticking on him that he has to be okay with being miserable and doing nothing for 10 years because I have 110k in student loans. While the reality of the matter is we can't get that stuff right this second, we know that we are just trying to figure out WHEN in the next year he can and what would be a good idea to get first - a truck or a boat. The way i see it we owe 11k on the Jetta and its sinking like a rock in value and he HATES that car. So even if its going to cost us extra in gas, trading in an 11k debt for a car he hates for a 11k debt for a truck he loves is really not that bad of a trade. We just need to be able to afford the gas. The boat doesn't make much sense to me cus we can't even use it with a newborn but he would almost rather have that - we just don't have a 3500 bucks so it won't happen. Even the boat would only cost us i think it was 300 a year to insure and then its just gas and that depends on how often it goes out. 

We are trying to work together, we're trying to get on the same page again. We're married and this is about compromise. I can't pin all this on him. I have to be willing to compromise too. I miss seeing him so happy - why he finds soooo much thrill in a large piece or machinery with a motor i will never understand but thats just who he is. Its like having a redneck drive a prius, or taking all the cars and powertools away from Tim the toolman. Hes just not himself. If he's willing to slow down and work with me and pay off the student loans with me together - then the LEAST i can do is find a way to fit one or two of those things into the plan.... lets face it, all his "toys" still don't measure up to even half of the amount of debt i've gotten us into. We just need to find a way to work that in and right now we don't know how to do that. 

I was simply asking for logistics on how to really budget because i still don't really get it. Do we just finalize a budget in the beginning and then make it work. what about when things change or things come up? Do we just leave the budgetted amount as is so we still know how far off we are from our plan or do we just change the plan? We've seemed to try it both ways and neither way worked. I've been using mint and excel to track our spending but thats just getting to be a pain. Cash was always too hard to track but maybe i just wasn't doing it right. Do you talk about EVERY single change? If its just something that came up we need and its coming out of the savings then theres nothing to discuss, right? Nothing has seemed to work. Maybe we need a "extra spending" category, maybe i'm budgetting to tight, maybe i should allow for more room so we just don't go over, or maybe we should just force ourselves to stick to the strict budget - but thats never worked so far. Dave always said 90 days.... but i guess i'm just a moron because its been a year and we still keep doing it wrong. We saved 200 less then planned this month... we went over in groceries and a few other areas but mainly because i needed maternity clothes and it cost a lot more then expected... and dh needed new workboots cus his got destroyed. Its those things that we know we need to spend so we just let it go over because its coming from savings regardless. but i guess we should have put it in anyway. 

formerlyGDaisy09

Ok, take a deep breath, everyone here is trying to help. 

why don't you post your current/most recent budget for us? maybe if we get the whole picture we'll know what's realistic and what's not. 

I get the expensive hobby thing, you can't just replace what you love to do...I like that you've replaced the boat idea with a used truck...maybe some more creative brainstorming will come-up with something else thats an even smaller hit to your finances. 

as far as the debt goes, it's daunting, but it'll go a way a little bit at a time, have you done any progress tracking or goal setting to motivate you guys along the way?

Sisugal

You can find lightly used maternity clothes on e-bay for cheap!

You need to build a line for the unexpected into the budget - it is also why you should have an emergency fund.

You do NOT need to buy everything new for a baby either - you can get almost everything used.

Have you posted your current budget/spending on this cite? If not - please do so as we can help you find the areas where you might find more savings.

Yes, gettiing out of debt is hard work, but unless you do it - you only make your financial life worse - so bite the bullet and do it - NOW

Xstatic3333

We can't do gazelle intensity either, so I understand that. I get the expensive hobby, too. Honestly, I know many will disagree but if the truck is an even trade with the Jetta in terms of payment I'm not hugely bothered by that-once baby stuff is covered. Maybe if it's older it will be less to insure.

If you tried for ten-year loan repayment instead of 4-5, would that be easier for you both to meet your goals? I really don't think there's any shame in that. So many people take even longer these days.

Please don't take the use of "depressed" as an insult. Depression is a treatable illness that can affect anyone, and a lot of what you were describing fell into that category. I'm glad you're getting more on the same page.

As I said in my PP, I think adding a "buffer" category to the budget is helpful. Definitely post your budget here and maybe the group will have some good suggestions! We probably do discuss every time we change the budget, just in the course of normal conversation. I.E. "Honey, I need a hair cut mind if I use some buffer?" The only things we don't discuss are when H uses his fun money to buy lunch out with his buddies. It bugs me too much so it's better I don't know.

brij2006

AprilH81 said:

It sounds like (without seeing your full budget) that you guys don't build any kind of contingency fund into your budget and/or aren't properly budgeting for your actual expenses.

New clothes, toiletries, work boots, hair cuts, doctor's appointments, OTC meds, those are all things that you know that you will EVENTUALLY need.  Try building in a small line item that can roll over each month so that when DH needs a new pair of boots it isn't a crisis situation.

This.  We try to look at our month ahead and budget in anything we know we may need.  Even if we forget things, there's still a line item in there for clothes, doctors, and house repairs.  That way if we don't use it all, then that's just more that gets put aside.  If we go over, then we need to cut back somewhere else in our budget.  I ended up needing maternity clothes this month too, and didn't plan on it because I really didn't think my belly would get like this early on.  So we had $50 left in our "clothing" budget.  I spent $75, but made sure that groceries we came in at least $25 under budget to make up for it.

To set up your budget look at what you spent the month before.  Put that into your budget.  So use all of the numbers for July (including the unexpected purchases), and put them into your budget in a category for every single purchase.  Then sit down with your husband and discuss what areas you each feel too much was spent and discuss where you both think can be cut down.  Maybe he never realized he spent $150/month on eating out for his lunches and dinners, when you gave him an allowance of $75 before.  Or maybe you always tried to budget for $300/month on groceries when the reality is that you actually spend $500.   
It's okay to look at those numbers and think "holy crap we spent different than we budgeted," but you can still work together on some areas to cut out.

I still feel like your issue with getting gazelle intense on DR's plan is because of an income problem, not the fact that it's going to take 10 years to pay off the debts.  What are you both doing to increase your income?  Are there other jobs you both could apply for that may have more income or could you both take on a 2nd job?  

I know it isn't ideal, but we're in a very similar situation as you in the amount of debt and our base incomes. If we didn't have H's overtime and my direct sales business and commission potential, or plan would take us 5-6 years instead of 2-3.  That would definitely cause us both to lose the motivation and feel like it will take forever to get any reward from paying off our debts.

However, you have to remember that it doesn't mean he doesn't get to have fun or live life right now.  You live like nobody else now so you can live like no one else later.  After the debt is gone, then he can pay cash for a boat or truck that surpasses everyone else's and there will be no monetary restrictions of how many times he wants to take it out in the summer because of the gas price to do so.

FWIW: My parents have a boat.  Each Sunday we take it out between the gas cost of the truck and gas in the boat, it's around $100-$150 each time.  They aren't cheap to take.  

KatieCutie05

Heres all of our variable budget categories (budgetted vs. actual) for July. Its all in excel so i'll leave out the boring stuff we can't change cus I can't type up everything. If its not there - we didn't budget it.  

I always just budgetted the minimum i guess thinking that we wanted to have as much to put toward debt/savings as possible. We'll budget it specific items that we need for the month but past that theres no contingency - it never really occured to me to have one to be honest. I guess i just always wanted to put everything in its proper place and i felt like if i budget it in then its getting spent. Like why put down more for something when we probably arent gonna need all of it i guess was my thought process. 

                        budget    /    actual

Baby Savings:   415    /       241

Home maintenance:   37  /   19   (didnt even get what we planned but other things came up)

Groceries:         400  /   449

Alcohol:           14  /   0    (it ended up getting mixed in with groceries - just beer for dh)

Gas:    540    /   492    (havent seen it that low in a while)

Car Maintenance:   80 /  73   (the insane cost of a basic oil change on the jetta) 

Haircut:  25   /  0   (never did find the time)

Clothes: 132  /  293

Vitamins   14 / 38  ( i stocked up)

redbox:    3.20   /  1.60

Joint Money:  65  /  85   (50 of it was a gift card sale that we'll use later) 

His lunches:  130/ 165  

My lunches: 50 /  40

Shopping: 30 / 17 (again i didn't even get what was planned)

Electric  105 / 136  (dh gets the amount due emailed to him the month prior but apparently i didnt put it in right and he didn't catch it either) 

brij2006

You said that your H is pretty mechanical.  What about having him do his own oil changes from now on?  Mine is mechanically savvy and that's saved us so much vs taking it somewhere.

What is the joint money used for?

His lunches still seem excessive and unnecessary. That's a lot of money each month just on eating out for lunch when it can be packed for much much less.  Let's say is costs $30/month for him to pack his lunches instead.  That's a savings of $135/month, $1,620/year, $8,100 over a 5 year timeline.  How much further out of debt would that get you if he cut those out?

The gas expense seems quite high also.  Is that just gas alone for both vehicles, or are there other expenses from gas stations roped into that?

formerlyGDaisy09

What if you each had your own (maybe equal) budget for "extras" that can be used on clothes, new boots, lunches, etc.? use cash, when the money is gone, it's gone. that way next time your H needs new boots maybe he'll have to pack his lunch for a month to be able to buy his boots?

to give any other advice I'd need to see income and fixed expenses. 

hoffse

You need a line-item for slush/overages, etc.  We actually have most things like clothing, shopping, gifts, etc. put into a single "slush" category that we fund rather generously.  The result is we hardly ever spend all of it because we're cheap, and then we have cash to roll over into savings or into future months if we know that category will be high coming up (ie: the holidays).  It's really good for us psychologically to be net positive on our budget at the end of the month instead of net negative.  Positive feels like success, negative feels like failure.

The counter to this is we don't send every extra penny to debt.  We could be debt-free (other than the mortgage) in less than 5 years if we were doing what you have been trying to do.  But we would be miserable.  It's better for our marriage if we take 7-8 years and have the chance to go on date nights or take a trip once a year.  This is obviously dependent on each person's situation and approach to money, but it works very well for us.  DR would probably tell us we were making poor choices or our priorities are off, but neither of us view SL debt as bad debt.  It's fairly low-interest, and we have fixed payments so we can budget for them.  We're going to snowball the loans after H's car is paid off, but we aren't going to kill ourselves to get it done more quickly.  In fact, our loans are just on autopay right now.  I really don't think about them much other than making sure our bank account doesn't get overdrafted.

Really, if your loans take 10 years it is NOT the end of the world.  It's really not. 

als1982

Do I have it right that you spent nearly $700 on food? If so, that's WAY too much. You're also spending far too much on clothing. You need to cut both of those in half, at the very least.

vlagrl29

holy crap he spends a ton of money on lunch!  that can easily be cut and could help you with savings.

KatieCutie05

Oil changes - the filter/oil is just so expensive that it works out the same to do it himself or take it to the dealer. 

Joint is meals out, date nights, anything like that really. It used to be lower but we figured we needed a date night now that babies coming and we won't get one later. 

His lunches are high but he gets so much because every weekday he works he's gotta get dinner out. So i figured if he's making 60 by going to work that night then an 8 dollar meal won't kill us. 120 should be plenty tho and if hes working less at the gunshop then even less. Its not tracked right so he doesn't know where hes at. plus, I've gotta be better about making sure he has breakfast and lunch to take atleast tho. He's often out and about so he never knows if he's gonna be in the office, alone in the truck, or with coworkers and when they go out he's gotta go too cus he's training to be the boss of these guys essentially so it would look bad. he just uses the debit card for all of it and then i try to pull it all together in mint to keep track but it ends up being me keeping tabs on him so i'm thinking cash - i just hope he remembers to use the cash. 

Gas is just because we live in west ja-bobway.  34mile commute for me and 28miles for him one way. Its at the point where we could pay an extra 200 a month in a mortgage closer to civilization and break even but we gotta get equity among other things before we can sell. The house was a mistake. 

Shopping is just miscellaneous things i need to buy that month that don't fit in any particular category. theres always a particular item in mind for everything. 

Clothing was just July we needed alot - August we shouldn't need anything but i guess i should budget something just in case. Normally its zero but i guess i should keep a little something in there. maybe even make it into a sinking fund.  

the problem is we figured i think it was like 9 years on the "have no life" method and that was calculating approximate raises. I'm holding out hope for a miracle where we could do 8 years with a life but that might be a pipe dream. right now we can't even think about all 130k to be honest cus its just too much. if we can just get it down to just the student loans that are in my parents name (85-90k  left) then i think we'd feel better because we'd have more room in the budget and legally speaking we would technically be debt free except the mortgage... I guess i would just feel better knowing nothing is tied to our names except the house. So in theory id like to work harder and then relax more when its just those left which he was all on board with because we had figured a year and a half but now with the baby and daycare that alone will take a whole lot longer then planned.   

jessica490

For us, our "lunches" are part of our grocery bill. Why do you need to buy food if you spending over $400 per month on it at the store?. Eat breakfast at home before you leave for work (eggs, toast, cereal, bagel, oatmeal, waffles etc....) Each of you pack a lunch of a sandwich or salad along with a piece of fruit and a few snacks for while your at work (veggies, fruit, pretzels, crackers, string cheese), and then you guys eat dinner together. These things don't cost a lot of money if you buy the ones that are on sale. Both of you buy a canvas lunch bag and some ice packs and you food will stay good all day long if you don't have access to a fridge. H is on the road all day and it works fine for him.  I used to get mad when H would buy coffee and Dunkin Donuts everyday when he can just bring it from home, and that is now what he's been doing for years. Trust me, it adds up!

CuriousKiddosMama

I may be in a bad mood this afternoon, I'm not sure, so if this comes off too harsh, I'm sorry.

"He's not "depressed" because he just wants to spend spend spend by any stretch of the imagination and i didn't mean for it to come off that way. He doesn't buy anything but lunches/ dinners out during work. My husband really is a good man. He's just not the type of guy that can be happy with not doing anything with his life. The boat or the truck isn't just a "i want" thing for him, it represents who he is and every single thing he wants to "do" involves either a truck or a boat. He doesn't want to just go to the lake and sit there - he wants to DO something like be out on a boat having fun. He doesn't even want to go to a concert/sporting event if he can't tailgate with the truck because thats half the fun to him. He's always had multiple hobbies and all of them always always always involved either a truck, a boat, or a sportscar. I offered him extra spending money and he doesn't want it, he'd rather continue to very very little and get the truck or boat.  he just wants one of the three. If we can't get it now then he wants a exact timeframe and goal to work toward getting it in the nearish future - even if its a year away. He's just not the type of guy that will ever be okay with just working to pay bills and never enjoy his life or have any sort of fun from all that hardwork."

That is serious F-ing bull. I've tailgated in a car before, I've tailgated when we've taken a bus to the game before. You bring chairs. A cooler, a grill and it all just goes into the car or if the grill is still hot- you leave it out. People don't touch it because they want you to respect there stuff too. He is making a bunch of excuses to get you down and make you feel like this is your fault.

To the second part I bolded- let me stamp my feet and act like a child while I say this. That is exactly how that came off to me. Your timeline is set- it's 10 years. But guess what, if he freaking starts cooperating, maybe it won't be 10 years, maybe it will only be 8 or 5. You aren't figuring in raises which will help this go by quicker, but you also haven't figured in things like PP said above- if he gave us $150ish a month for lunches and put that towards your debt in 5 years that's 8-10k. After your loans are paid off, guess what, you can save VERY quickly for a boat, and the new(er) truck to pull it. In the mean time he needs to man up.

As far as the how to keep a budget, if you budget and you are going over- then you don't spend it. If you HAVE to then you need to cut somewhere else that month- YOU DO NOT TAKE FROM SAVINGS. That defeats the whole purpose. If you need to change the budget- yes, you need to talk about it.

jessica490

Is he excited for this baby? What's going to happen with him when the baby actually comes, is he going to settle down or still run around looking for guy fun 24/7? Was he like this before you were pregnant?

formerlyGDaisy09

Wow, I don't understand how you spend $450 on groceries and $200 on lunch!! there is money there that you can be saving/using to pay off debt! 

our grocery budget is about $400/month and that includes lunches and we treat ourselves well! 

and as far as this goes: right now we can't even think about all 130k to be honest cus its just too much. if we can just get it down to just the student loans that are in my parents name (85-90k  left) then i think we'd feel better because we'd have more room in the budget and legally speaking we would technically be debt free except the mortgage... I guess i would just feel better knowing nothing is tied to our names except the house. 

So don't think about it like $130K...think about it like $40-45K and focus on that!

anytime you combine all your debt into a heap like that it's going to feel overwhelming!  pick a SL and focus on it, pay minimums on everything else!

part of being an adult is learning to balance a budget, pay back debts, and save your money for things you want. It sounds like you guys need to put on your big kid panties and balance your budget, and be realistic about needs and wants. Trust me, you guys aren't the only ones who want to treat themselves to lunch, or buy a fun toy, or whatever. 

I would love to treat myself to a pedicure every month, and I can find ways to justify it...does that mean that I blow my budget on it? 

als1982

You're getting a lot of good advice here, and simply continue to make excuses for your bad behavior.

When you perpetually make poor choices, even though they may seen small - like eating out every day for lunch/dinner - those choices are going to compound into bigger problems down the road. If you want to be financially successful you need to start making smarter decisions today.

Delay your gratification, not entirely but wisely, for a better future.

hoffse

If the 10 year plan is the "kill ourselves to get there," then call your lenders, get your loans put on a 25-year flat repayment plan, create a budget, and send a bit extra to those loans when you can.  If it takes 15 years, 20 years... it's still not the end of the world.

Almost everybody in my profession takes the entire 25 years to pay off law loans, especially those who went to private law schools.  Why?  Because when you have $250K+ of debt, that's how long it takes.  It's essentially a mortgage, and lots of people treat it like one instead of making themselves miserable for a decade.  If you don't want to treat yours like a mortgage that's fine... but your money is finite, and you have to make choices about how it is spent.  You can't have that kind of spending while maintaining student loan repayments at the level you are committed to.  I think student loan payments > trucks, boats, etc.  But I also think that having a life so you aren't totally miserable > going nuts on student loan payments.  There's a balance.

Oh and +1 to Vikingsfan.  I read that in exactly the same way she did. I just can't accept that the only way your H is going to be happy is if he has his toys.  I'm not saying he shouldn't have something.  But what he's asking for is unreasonable and will be something that continues to be expensive.  None of these things are one-time expenses.

Your H does not need to eat out every single day.  Not only is it really expensive, but it's bound to be really bad for his health.  If you want to talk about something that's REALLY expensive down the road, let's talk about health problems that develop from poor eating habits.