Found friend's husband on dating site (update: it's worse)

tonksandlupin

Hi. I need some advice about handling a situation.I have this friend, we'll call her Julie, who is married to a guy we'll call Mark. Although they're legally married, they're planning a big expensive church ceremony/reception in a few weeks. A mutual friend of ours who uses a dating website recently came across Mark as one of her "matches." She showed me, and sure enough it's him. He even used the same photo he has on Facebook and used his real name as his username.

Since you need an account to view someone else's info, my DH and I created a fake account to look at Mark's profile and see if it is even active. It is. And not only that, I guess he saw that I had been viewing his profile because he messaged me (not knowing it was me, but my fake username) to ask if we can get to know each other.

He specified on his profile that he is "looking for friends" but only single, straight girls.

I'm wondering what to do. So much is going through my head right now. Should I message him back with the fake profile to see exactly what he's looking for on the site? Should I tell Julie right away? They're married, so it's not like it would save her from a divorce, but I feel like she should know before they stand up in church and say their vows in front of everybody. But then if he is really just looking for friends, this might ruin the ceremony for Julie if she knows.

I know that cheating is 100% a dealbreaker for her, we've discussed it at length. She is not at all ok with an open relationship.

I hate to be the one who breaks this news to her, I'm scared our relationship will never be the same again. But if it was my DH I would want to know. What would you do?

Edited for typos. Just so you know, I may delete this later for privacy reasons. Thanks for any advice.

j3ffsgirl

Everyone says they would want to know, but in the end it may back fire on you. You will ruin a marriage, so take that into consideration. IMO, you should mind your own business.

tonksandlupin

I would really love to just stay out of it. That would by far be the easiest thing to do. But it feels like a betrayal. I know something that would potentially change her life forever, and to not tell her feels wrong. She and I are very close.

Another bit of information, she is about to make in international move with this guy, spending thousands on his immigration papers.

I don't know if any of this makes any difference.

leighks1

Is there any way you can print out his profile and "anonymously" mail it to your friend? This way you keep your loyalty to your friend, but you don't have any direct known involvement in her finding out. She would at least have the information, it's her decision what to do about it from there.

catsareniice1

Personally, I don't agree with minding your own business. I would want to know. Wouldn't you?

spikeinc

      I like the anonymous mailing but I think it leaves too much for interpretation. She might ask him about it and then he will lie and tell her that he was only looking for friends. The problem is that right now that is all you have proof of. Yes it is completely shady but unless he asked you out on a date or sent you sext messages that you can show her as proof, he could very easily claim that he was only trying to make new friends. You and I both know that he would be full of shit but love is most certainly blind and she will then turn on you. 

      I would definitely want to know so I think you should say you found him online and tell her exactly what transpired so far. You can suggest she make a fake profile herself if she wants to find out if he is truly trying to cheat. Then you are not doing the dirty work just being honest with what you saw. Try not to make judgement calls since you don't have proof of any particular wrongdoing just say you think it seems shady and hope you are wrong. This might (might) save your relationship if she stays with him after all that. 

tonksandlupin

Thanks for the advice so far. 

He just messaged me again, reiterating his request to get to know each other. Both messages he's sent were at 3 am so he's going on this site while my friend is asleep in their bedroom. Really shady, and it's making me think he's total scum.

But you're right that I don't have any proof of actual cheating. For all I know he is just looking for friends (weird that he just wants single female friends, but it's not cheating). I actually like the idea of anonymously mailing his profile to her, and if I can't think of a gentle way to tell her I may do that.

I'm going to see her in person early next week, so I have a few days to think on it. If anybody has other suggestions please send them my way. I don't want to message him back, that just seems like I'm getting in too deep.

TarponMonoxide

tonksandlupin said:

Hi. I need some advice about handling a situation.I have this friend, we'll call her Julie, who is married to a guy we'll call Mark. Although they're legally married, they're planning a big expensive church ceremony/reception in a few weeks. A mutual friend of ours who uses a dating website recently came across Mark as one of her "matches." She showed me, and sure enough it's him. He even used the same photo he has on Facebook and used his real name as his username.

Since you need an account to view someone else's info, my DH and I created a fake account to look at Mark's profile and see if it is even active. It is. And not only that, I guess he saw that I had been viewing his profile because he messaged me (not knowing it was me, but my fake username) to ask if we can get to know each other.

He specified on his profile that he is "looking for friends" but only single, straight girls.

I'm wondering what to do. So much is going through my head right now. Should I message him back with the fake profile to see exactly what he's looking for on the site? Should I tell Julie right away?

 They're married, so it's not like it would save her from a divorce, but I feel like she should know before they stand up in church and say their vows in front of everybody.

Nope: married is married --- and I guess this "second ceremony/wedding for everyone" thing is what blurs the lines.

But then if he is really just looking for friends, this might ruin the ceremony for Julie if she knows.

If he wants friends and bona fide ones, he knows where to go. He's full of shit.

I know that cheating is 100% a dealbreaker for her, we've discussed it at length. She is not at all ok with an open relationship.

I hate to be the one who breaks this news to her, I'm scared our relationship will never be the same again. But if it was my DH I would want to know. What would you do?

Edited for typos. Just so you know, I may delete this later for privacy reasons. Thanks for any advice.

Cheating sucks.

But believe me: She will not want to know. And if you tell her she will not believe you.

(Optimally it would be great for her to come to her senses before she throws away a ton of money on a public ceremony but that's not going to happen)

Because these ladies and gents will never buy it when you have cold hard proof that their SO or mate is cheating.

If she is planning a ceremony for their marriage and they are already legally wed, chances are they have not been married very long; this would give her an excellent opportunity to leave while the leaving is good (and perhaps be qualified for a civil annullment) but that's not going to be the case here, since she won't believe you.

I will bet that he's been caught red handed at least once and she's into "giving him another chance." or she thinks that once they marry, that band of gold or titanium will cure him of his wandering.

Rough situation for your friend. Hoping she wises up on her own.

VOR

My take- if she's really that good of a friend, be willing to sacrifice your friendship and tell her.  Print out what you can so that you can show her.  She may shoot the messenger, but could you really live with yourself knowing what you know and NOT saying anything? 

And DUDE.  Come on.  He is not looking for "just friends".  Please.

cloudymeatballs1

Honestly, if I was her, I would HOPE a friend would tell me about this.  It may backfire on you, but if I were you, I would feel worse knowing I know and never saying anything, then having him end up cheating on her later.  Better knowing now that later, in my opinion.  Looking for friends, ya freaking right, if he were looking for friends he would not be on dating site looking for just single females. That right there is pretty shady, and at 3am.  I would not be okay with this.  I am married and if I found out my H was on this site doing this it would cause us some problems.  It isn't okay, sorry.

I would, of course, want to believe my H, but if a close friend of mine showed me something like this, then he cannot lie about it.  When you do tell her, make sure you do print up the profile, and what he said.  Just be gently about it.  You don't necessarily know he is cheating, but this looks pretty fishy.  Let her be the judge and she can ask him, knowing there is proof of this site.

Good luck and hopefully she doesn't go and screw you for being a great friend! I would want to know! 

Bubblegum5586

The looking for friends thing is so bad it's almost funny. Like c'mon. Even though "cheating" hasn't happened, I would be BS if I knew H all of sudden needed more female friends so he goes on a dating site to find them... I am all for having friends of the opposite sex, but I don't believe you should be actively pursuing new friendships while in a committed relationship. If it happens through work, church or other activities then w/e.

Such a sticky situation, but I know as a friend I couldn't live with myself knowing this information. And on the other side I would be crushed to know this information was withheld from me. To feel betrayed by my spouse and then from a friend.... I would feel very alone.

I think you should tell her, anonymously or not, whichever you feel most comfortable with. If she's in denial, then you've done all you can do. It's not your job to make her leave, but I think this important life changing information that your friend should know.

tonksandlupin

Thanks everybody.

I'm really not so naive to believe that he's honestly just looking for friends... it's just that I don't have proof of anything else to show her at this point.

I'll keep watching for messages from him for the next few days, but I'm not going to respond. I don't want to do anything my friend could see as leading him on or whatever.

The friend who discovered his profile agreed to talk to her with me, so maybe if two of us do it and show her the profile and messages she will believe us. I truthfully don't think she has ever had suspicions of him cheating nor that she would have given him another chance. We confide in each other about relationship issues, and she has said many times that cheating is a dealbreaker, no second chances.

Anyway, thanks again. I'll update if anything changes.

(Edited for clarity)

xc1148

I would message him further and then once it's confirmed I'd tell her. I would want to know, but I'm not one of those women who would stay with a man that cheats. And if she gets mad at you for whatever reason and chooses him over her, that's her problem, let them enjoy their "marriage." But what if she's totally clueless and goes and has kids with him then he leaves her? If he's dumb enough to do this with his real name it's only a matter of time before he gets caught anyway.

Disneygeek77

If there were no such things as STDs, then I would maybe not say anything.

However, we do live in a world with STDs, even deadly ones.  Because of that reason, she has a right to protect her health and her future.

I personally could not live with myself if my friend got a deadly disease and there was something I could have done to prevent it.

I would tell her.  She might leave him, she might no,t but at least you would be giving her the respect of letting her make that decision herself and  with her eyes wide open. You don't have the right to make that kind of decision for her.  

So yes I would tell her knowing it might end the friendship, but my conscious would be clear.  

magsugar13

omg please tell her.

even if it backfires on you, you know you did the right thing. If she doesnt want to listen to you it is her choice but you will be doing the right thing and eventually she will realize it, even if it is after the divorce.

would you want her to tell you?

TarponMonoxide

Doesn't everyone have a friend or maybe more than one, of the opposite sex?

Who's he kidding?:(

I would want to be told also.  I remember an incident from a real long time ago -- I was dating this guy who wasn't exactly wonderful but somehow I kept him in the picture.

A year after we split up (I broke it off with him) a friend of mine tells me she met up with him at some bar --- and he told  tales out of school about what went on when he was seing me.

Ugh.

Why didn't she tell me the day after this happened?  And moreover, this is shitty of her to lend him an ear; she stood there and listend? I'd have said to him, "Jim, I have to go. I really don't care to hear what you've got to say" and left him standing there.

Ilumine

Please tell her.  She is about to shell out money for a Church Wedding.  Outside of the hypocrisy of this, think of the money wasted.

And given how shady his activities are, he is not looking for friendships. You CAN have friends of the opposite sex, but you cannot have them in secret.  

Disneygeek77

j3ffsgirl said:

Everyone says they would want to know, but in the end it may back fire on you. You will ruin a marriage, so take that into consideration. IMO, you should mind your own business.

No she would not ruin a marriage.  The husband was the one that did that.  

tonksandlupin

Disneygeek77 said:

j3ffsgirl said:

Everyone says they would want to know, but in the end it may back fire on you. You will ruin a marriage, so take that into consideration. IMO, you should mind your own business.

No she would not ruin a marriage.  The husband was the one that did that.  

Thank you. I don't think I should feel guilty about making my friend aware of the reality that she very likely has married a cheater. His actions are not my fault, I just had the misfortune of being the one who found him out. I've decided to tell her as soon as possible. I think she needs to know, especially with the risk of STDs. As a poster pointed out, I couldn't live with myself if she caught something and I could have prevented it. She certainly needs to know before kids are brought into the picture.

Thank you all for the advice and support.

tonksandlupin

Update: It's worse than I imagined. Out of curiosity I typed his username into Google, and it came up on a bunch of explicit sex sites. The dumbass used the same username and photos, plus his email address with his real name. It says he is looking for casual sex and discreet hookups. He also posted a picture of his dick, which I can't unsee. 

I'm going to print it all out and show my friend ASAP. I hope she understands, I'm doing this for her safety because I care about her. I just hope this piece of scum hasn't already given her a STD.

I might lose a friend, but I'd rather loser her this way than be responsible if she ends up with HIV. 

catsareniice1

tonksandlupin said:

Update: It's worse than I imagined. Out of curiosity I typed his username into Google, and it came up on a bunch of explicit sex sites. The dumbass used the same username and photos, plus his email address with his real name. It says he is looking for casual sex and discreet hookups. He also posted a picture of his dick, which I can't unsee. 

I'm going to print it all out and show my friend ASAP. I hope she understands, I'm doing this for her safety because I care about her. I just hope this piece of scum hasn't already given her a STD.

I might lose a friend, but I'd rather loser her this way than be responsible if she ends up with HIV. 

You are a good friend! Let us know how you make out. When do you plan on doing this? Good luck!

Leftie22

Oh man, I'm really sorry it got even worse. I think your relationship with her would be different no matter what you do, so you should tell her. You're either holding onto a secret and feeling bad, or telling her and having her possibly get mad at you. I would choose to tell her. I hope it goes okay. I feel for you and your friend.

vlagrl29

bullshit he just wants to find friends that are single females. LOL.  who the hell is he kidding.  You NEED to tell her.  I would want to know.  yeah it's gonna suck but it's for the best.

Disneygeek77

I have been in a somewhat similar situation.  A bit more complicated, but similar.  I would try to focus and the health aspect as to why you are telling her.  Try not to pass judgement as to whether or not she should leave him ( at least not now) instead try to encourage her to get tested for STDs.  Tell her she needs to know as soon as possible so as to begin treatment if she is positve for STDs.

This is the approach I used.  I knew she was hesitant to get tested and since we share the same OBGYN, I told her when my yearly appt was and let her know I would go with her to the Dr office.  That was the push she needed to go.  Here's the thing.  The waiting period was terrible for her.  She would jump every time the phone rang and it forced her to think what her life would be like if she was positive.  I think something in her head clicked and she said "" I don't want to go through this ever again " and she ended things on her own.  Luckily, she was also fine health wise.

Disneygeek77

You might also try a google image search on his pics too and see if anything else turns up.

catsareniice1

Disneygeek77 said:

You might also try a google image search on his pics too and see if anything else turns up.

Oh great idea!!

BlueBirdMB

Oh wowwwwwwww.  OP, all I have to say is GL.  You're doing the right thing.  What a schmuck. 

TarponMonoxide

tonksandlupin said:

Update: It's worse than I imagined. Out of curiosity I typed his username into Google, and it came up on a bunch of explicit sex sites. The dumbass used the same username and photos, plus his email address with his real name. It says he is looking for casual sex and discreet hookups. He also posted a picture of his dick, which I can't unsee. 

I'm going to print it all out and show my friend ASAP. I hope she understands, I'm doing this for her safety because I care about her. I just hope this piece of scum hasn't already given her a STD.

I might lose a friend, but I'd rather loser her this way than be responsible if she ends up with HIV. 

Oi.

Wishing you luck. And hoping she will wise up and leave this bum.

It is a small world and the internet has only made it all the more smaller: Somebody innocently and coincidentally found him on a dating website she was partaking in.. NO crime, as you can see, is perfect.

tonksandlupin

I'm telling her today. It was the first chance she had to get together and I couldn't do this over the phone. We're meeting in a small cafe near her house that should have enough privacy. The friend who discovered the dating profile is going with me, since I just can't do this alone and I think she'll need more support. Maybe with 2 of us she'll believe us.

I tried sending an anonymous email as soon as I found the sex sites, but she never read it. I think it went into her junk folder because of the links to the explicit sites. So I'll have to break it all to her now.

I'll let you know how it goes. It breaks my hear to have to do this

vlagrl29

Please let us know.  You are a good friend.  If I was in her situation I really would want you to tell me.

tonksandlupin

Well, we told her. She took it surprisingly well, but I think she was in shock. She went home and confronted him about it. He made up some bullshit about how it was a "joke" and when he signed up on the dating site it "automatically" put his username on the sex sites (Yeah, right! Did it automatically post the pics of your dick too?) I told her that's not true, since I had made the fake username to check if it was really his profile, and it did not automatically  put me on any other sites.

They're still hashing it out. She doesn't know if she can go through with the church wedding now. I feel awful to have been the one to reveal this painful truth, but she had to know. Especially if he's making up lame excuses, that tells me he may have more to hide.

This just sucks all around. Thanks for all the advice and support over the past few days.