Found friend's husband on dating site (update: it's worse)

Disneygeek77

Did you tell her to get tested. I would actually beg her to get tested no matter whatshe decides. Again maybe she will be like my friend and decide during the waiting process that she doesn't want to go through this again. Maybe even find places close bywhere she can get tested today or tomorrow.

Disneygeek77

Also did you do a google search on his pics. What about a google search on his email.

tonksandlupin

I did the Google search on his pics and nothing came up, even though I saw the same pics on at least 2 sites. So maybe the sites protect the pics? Or maybe my computer isn't working right.

After she talked to him yesterday he deleted all accounts. I'm glad I printed the evidence for her in case she needs it for legal reasons. 

She's probably coming to stay with me this weekend to just get away from the situation for a bit. While she's here I'll try to convince her to get tested. I agree it's super important. There's a chance he never met with anybody, and just got off on the online aspect of it, but it's better to be safe than sorry.

Disneygeek77

Ecactly. When it comes to your health and possible deadly diseases you dont hope for the best. You absolutely must get tested. You especially dont put all your trust in someone with a history of lying.

Disneygeek77

Did you tell her he tried to contact you several time in the early morning

tonksandlupin

I did tell her he tried to contact me, and I printed out the messages from him also. I think that in itself is enough to prove he was up to no good. I don't buy his "just a joke" story at all. 

If they were just dating this would be so simple, just leave his lying ass. But they're legally married and planing an international move soon. Plus her parents have sunk thousands into their church ceremony/reception in a few weeks. Poor girl was supposed to pick up her wedding dress today. The whole situation is just terrible.

vlagrl29

I'm glad you went thru with it!  It's best for her to know now instead of going thru the ceremony and moving cross country.  I'm sure her parents will be pissed at him too.  How awful!

Bubblegum5586

This is terrible, but still better to know now then after the PPD and international move. Hopefully they will just loose a few deposits and can save most of the money....

doeydo

I'm so glad you told her.  You're right, she is probably in shock right now, and trying to digest all this information right now.  She might decide to believe his BS, but eventually, I believe she will come around.  Anyways, I think you are such a good friend for putting her needs/wants ahead of what it might mean for you.

Leftie22

You did the right thing. I can't believe he would even have the balls to say it was a joke. A joke between himself and a bunch on online strangers? That's so lame. I hope she doesn't fall for it. It sucks that he can't just man up and admit that he did it. But good for you for telling her. I'm sure it was really tough for you.

cclejeune

Well done you, for telling her the truth. I know that wasn't easy. I hope she wises up and leaves him, but you've done what you can do now. You're an excellent friend. 

Disneygeek77

@tonksandlupin

Any updates ?  Is she still staying with you this weekend ?

tonksandlupin

Hey! So we got together over the weekend and talked about the situation. After a few days of hashing it out, she decided to stay with him. He swears up and down that he never actually physically cheated. The deeper she dug into this, the more it seems that he gets off on the idea of posting this stuff on the internet and messaging strangers. But he says it was like "a game" for him and "not real." I think he kind of equates it like porn and doesn't think of these girls on the sites as real people that he is actually contacting, if that makes sense.

Anyway, he let her read his messages, and there weren't any where he ever made plans to meet anyone. He deleted all of the profiles in front of her.

It's not the choice I would have made, but it's her life. So I'm going to do my best to support her. I did suggest that they get therapy, since it seems like he has a bigger problem. She does consider it emotional cheating, but is willing to give him one last chance.

She said she was glad I told her, it it doesn't seem to have affected our relationship. If anything she seems genuinely grateful, since she had no idea he was doing this stuff.

Thanks again for the advice, it helped a lot with a truly difficult decision.

Leftie22

Ugh, wow. You're a good friend for supporting her no matter what, since it is her life. But barf. Anyone whose idea of a "game" is to solicit other women for sex, whether or not he actually does it, is just a rotten person with no morals. Ultimate frisbee is a game. Talking to women on dating and sex sites is just being a creepy douche. I hope he spontaneously combusts at their big church ceremony.

magsugar13

You did the right thing.

She did not.e

How sad for her to settle for a lying liar who lies.

It makes me sad to see women who have such low self esteem and tolerating this behavior.

Disneygeek77

Kudos to you for telling her.  You did your best but you can't help that she is a fool.  There is now way he didn't act on it.  

I know my friend had a similar reaction when she first found out he slept with someone, bury your head in the sand and accept the stupid excuses he was giving you.  Again, it wasn't until she got tested for STDs that she woke up and said " WTH am I thinking, I don't want to go through this ever again."

shelbygetsmarried1214

If i were in her position I would definitely want to know..

It's really hard on you because of the whole "don't shoot the messenger" thing you could get into. I would tell her that you came across his profile, and suggest that she get one too with a pseudonym and try to lure him in. If he really does just want a "friend" she'll find out. But really..who the hell goes on one of those sites for a friend. You find those at Starbucks.

futurefiance

STRONGLY advise her to get a post nuptial agreement.  If she is throwing herself in with this international move only to have him start up again, she doesn't need to be left completely dependent on him with little options. 
Also have her invest in a very good hidden key logger.  It'll track his keystrokes on the computer and update her on what he's doing.

I obviously do not think that they should marry at all.  I think she should lay out all evidence to his family and ask for them/him to pay back at least half of what your family has shelled out for this wedding.

I think he's going to just continue to do the same thing again until it escalates to worse actions.  If it wasn't in his character already, then he wouldn't have started it up in the first place. 
So have her key-log for the inevitable 'when' not 'if' he starts up again.  Hopefully it'll be before she has kids with him.