Trouble in Paradise
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

His friends are really disrespectful

2»

Re: His friends are really disrespectful

  • "If this situation happened nowadays, I have no doubt he would step up. He does not take shit from anyone"

    Are you kidding me with this ?  Just one year ago they were supposed to call you and apologize but instead called you names and humiliated you once again.  Then even last week he lied about hanging out with these psychos.  So how can you say he does not take sh*t from them nowadays when he obviously does ?
  •  


    My head hurts.  That's all I can say. 

  • edited November 2014
    image

    Damn it, woman.  Why won't you get this. 

    You keep talking love, love love but you need more than that to have a happy and healthy marriage.  Heck, I don't think you even know what true love is. 

    To the OP:

    How old are you anyway? I wonder if you are another one of these very young women who has been with the guy since high school. Are you about 23 years of age?

    His age, then, is a telling factor in this horror story you've got for us. 

    Love is great but there is also character and dependability. He has neither one.


    You also need respect and admiration.  How many times has he shown you that he doesn't respect you.  He is choosing lousy, abusive and psycho friends ( that he only sees a few times a year ) over his wife,  HIS WIFE.  Do you not understand that ?

    Nope.

    The OP doesn't get it at all.

    My God no wonder they all think he agrees with them.  I think he does too.  Anyone with any amount of sense would say if what they did to you really bothered him, he wouldn't be friends with them anymore.  So he must be ok with what they did to you.  Again, no wonder people think you are crazy, his actions are showing that you must be.  

    Sure he is okay with them!

    By virtue of the fact he didn't drop them when they started this, he is showing he is okay with them and their actions.


    What are you asking for here ?    That he not return phone calls or tell them he is c't see him because he is busy.  He won't even do that for you.  Even through all of this and knowing how much they hurt and humiliated you, he still won't do that for you.  Not even that small thing.  You are willing to uproot your whole life and go back to a place where you were miserable for him and he won't even tell these jerks,  " Sorry, I can't make it."  Yeah he sounds like husband and father material.

    This is whacky and sickening. He is making allowances for them and he isn't even considering you at all.

    Don't tell us again what a great guy he is. he's not a great guy.

    Again, he a not the kind of man you plan a future with, not the kind of man you have a home with and not the kind of man you make a family with.  I have that kind of man.  My Sophia died when she was 4 months old and spent her entire life in the hospital.  Even that pregnancy was terrible, so when you add in the grieving period, we had about two absolutely miserable years.  I was consumed with grief and anxiety.  I would actually throw up every single morning for about 6 months.  I can't tell you how many cancers I thought I had and a swollen lymph node would send me into a tail spin.  He was there when she was born and was there when she took her last breath.  He was there loving, comforting and supporting me through all of it.  He has proven his loyalty, honesty and his trustworhtyness to me over and over and over again.  He is my strength and I am so glad that I chose to marry him.   He truly is a man with character.  I know, KNOW that me and the kids come first.  Not with what he says but with his actions.  He shows me every day that we mean more to him than anyone else.  We come before his family, his friends and his boss and he would swim through shark infested waters to get me a lemonade.  You don't have that.  You have a man that lets people abuse, harass and humilitate you and yet he still wants to hang out with them.  He still wants to be friends with him.  Do you know what my husband and most husbands would do if their friends did the same exact thing ?  Be disgusted and repulsed by them.  Absolutely repulsed.  He would have happily cut them off completely from the very beginning.  The desire to still be friends with them would be gone.  

    You don't have that and never will.  You don't have a husband that is truly trustworthy, honest and loyal.  You don't have a husband that you can depend on to stand together when life gets really difficult.  You don't have a husband that even upheld the promises he made to you on your wedding day.  All you have is a guy that bought you a camera, which was probably done to emotionally manipulate you anyways.  

    By staying with him you are willingly choosing a life of misery for yourself.  Do you understand that.  So I really don't know why that video made you cry.  You don't have that.  Your husband isn't anything like the man in that video.  Please listen to me.  I have been through something similar to that man in the video and I am telling you that this is a big deal, a huge deal
      More people than you will know, Disneygeek, have navigated similar waters.:(

    If you stay with him:

    You will come in last. His friends will be the ones who take precedence. He will let them defame you, mistreat you, verbally abuse you, interfere with you at work and treat you like a common criminal.

    Does this kind of life sound like a good one to you?

    He will lie to you constantly about where he goes and what he does and all you will be is his doormat.

    Get out now before a child accidentally or purposely makes its way into this hell you are in.

    And for the last time:

    THIS WILL BE AN ANNULMENT.

    NOT a divorce.

    They are 2 different things. Don't you even understand that much???
  • edited November 2014
    "If this situation happened nowadays, I have no doubt he would step up. He does not take shit from anyone"

    Are you kidding me with this ?  Just one year ago they were supposed to call you and apologize but instead called you names and humiliated you once again.  Then even last week he lied about hanging out with these psychos.  So how can you say he does not take sh*t from them nowadays when he obviously does ?

    OP:

    You are even more deluded about what is right than HE is. Step up, really?

    WHY are you in such a damn dreamland over this little creep?
  • I know Tarpon you are right.

    I also have  feeling that if they move back, he will be seeing these jerks a few times a month, not a few times a year. So her choices will be either sitting at home alone or tagging along with him watching him get drunk / high with these people. 

    It is also very interesting the his response to all of this is that these people are his friends and SHE needs to get over it.  His friends tried to punch her and she is the one that needs to get over it.  
  • I know Tarpon you are right.

    I also have  feeling that if they move back, he will be seeing these jerks a few times a month, not a few times a year. So her choices will be either sitting at home alone or tagging along with him watching him get drunk / high with these people. 

    It is also very interesting the his response to all of this is that these people are his friends and SHE needs to get over it.  His friends tried to punch her and she is the one that needs to get over it.  
    This is going to be his full time job. I guarantee you that she will be forgotten about completely once he gets back into the mix with them.

    She will be at home, writing a Hallmark Channel screenplay based on the wonderful guy she married. It'll be something for her to do.
  • She will be at home, writing a Hallmark Channel screenplay based on the wonderful guy she married. It'll be something for her to do.
    I don't usually use "LOL"...but I literally laughed out loud at this. 

  • She will be at home, writing a Hallmark Channel screenplay based on the wonderful guy she married. It'll be something for her to do.
    I don't usually use "LOL"...but I literally laughed out loud at this. 
    I was not being funny.:(

    This is sad? Yes it is. But this is sad because it is the OP's choice to be sad. And her choice to choose a sad way to live and be married to the saddest and sorriest creep of them all.

    Nobody likes a martyr. And nobody likes a person who refuses to be self aware. This is a "fool me once" thing --- the first time his friends did this, it was on his group of friends. The second time and other times this happened and her then-bf didn't make sure the buck stopped there,  it was on HER.

    I ams tarting to think she is the larger problem in this picture. She is the one who has the ultimate of choices and the ultimate in workable solutions:

    Dump this bastard and get the marriage annulled. And do so from a locale where he does not know where you are nor can he reach you.
  • Why are so many women SO desperate that they have to delude themselves into believing "but no, despite ALLLLL the evidence to the contrary, my guy is a GOOD guy!!!".

    OP - I'm not saying your DH is a horrible person across the board, but he is NOT this "loving", non-fighter of a person you say he is.  He just isn't.  He has poor character.  This is who he is.  He'll lie to you, hang out w/ people who are rude to you, etc. Basically- he'll fight YOU over them, but he won't fight them over you.

    Do you really not see this???

    This is NOT a "good" person that you so desperately try to make him out to be.

  • bbydede said:
    Every time I get mad and tell him it's over and then he comes back in town all tear faced and depressed just like I am and it melts my heart to see how pained he is and I feel guilty. I feel SO guilty for separating this wonderful, beautiful man I love from his old friends and I feel like a horrible bitch. I look at him- this man that, when I left him, I asked for him to help me with my little uhaul trailer cost so I could afford to leave a town that wasn't being kind to me, he took me to lunch and stood there sobbing and waving as I drove away and shoved something in my pocket as we hugged goodbye. I stopped halfway on the drive at the bank and looked at the check and he had given me the exact amount of money I needed to buy my camera to start my business. I was leaving him- had called him every name under the sun- and he bought me my future on the way out. How loving, caring, and generous this man is I cannot describe. Brings tears to my eyes just remembering how broken he was until he moved in with me about a year later.

    I was so happy to have him back and hear he wanted to change his life- I thought that meant without the bad people. He had driven all night and said when the sun rose over the bridge he vowed to change his life and be with me. Seemed he had gotten a big taste of them and was sick of it. I thought he had seen their true colors and our problems were solved. And then I was hoping what everyone said was true and he would grow out of those friends as we aged. Apparently, not so.

    I look back on the situation with his friends and I see an argument that happened and could have stopped as an argument. We could all have gotten over it and we were all at fault. I should have let my boyfriend do the talking and then ignored them until they left town. Being 24, I made a mistake and I stepped in with some attitude.

    But the problem for me wasn't the argument, but all the shit talking for the next 5 years, the cursing on apology calls, the name calling and trying to separate me from the man I loved. He mismanaged the situation horribly. Had he cut them off early on, they would have been chastised. They would have felt bad and not been able to talk shit about me as much. They would have been shown how much he loved me and how great I was by him sticking by my side. I would have felt that I was respected and loved and it would have given me courage that my man had stood up for me and for US.

    Because it was mismanaged I am left embarrassed, hated, with a lower self esteem, and without a proper apology. There is no need to make amends in their mind because they have all they want- they get to hang out with HIM (without me) a few times a year and then say whatever they want about me when he's not around. They even told my old co-worker that my H was on their side the whole time and not mine. That's how much balls they had with the shit talking. Everyone there thinks I'm some nasty, crazy bitch that yells at people out of the blue. It really sucks for me that my H did not handle this situation properly.

    If this situation happened nowadays, I have no doubt he would step up. He does not take shit from anyone, it's just this situation with his friends that he wants me to get over. He just wants to be able to hang out with them once in a while and not hear from me about it. I feel like a bitch sometimes but then I also feel that I have had a right to ask him to cut them off after all this. Its just so stressful on me to hear he is with them.
    Haven't I already posted this? Did you read it?!?!
    http://markmanson.net/love

    I don't know what you want from us OP. ...Oh wait, yes I do.
    It sounds like your H is a great guy! Sure you've had a million gazillion issues with his friends in the past, but he luuuurvs you! He even bought you a camera! That's true love! What a sweet guy! He was only lying to you, because he knew that blatantly doing what he knew you didn't want him to do would give you the sadz! Isn't it sweet that your H doesn't burden you with truthfulness and trust and all those scary responsibilities?

    When you move back, I'm sure that he will talk to his friends about how much he loves you and convince them that they should treat you with respect and love. Everything will turn around and the birds will sing and there will be rainbows, and you'll all laugh about this silly misunderstanding!
    image
  • Or....
    Hmm. That is a tough one! But I've been in a similar situation, and here's something that worked for me and all my friends:

    Totally ignore the problem, and then tell him that you're going to go to bed early one night. But before you get in bed, cut out a magazine article about the importance of friendship, and leave it on the floor in the bedroom where he'll see it. Make sure that it looks like you dropped it by accident. He'll pick it up and read it, and when he does, he'll think about his friends, and he'll see you sleeping and realize that he loves you and wants you to be happy. So he'll cut off ties with his friends and the problem will be totally solved!

    image
  • edited November 2014
    And I can't understand how it is somebody put up with this kind of abuse for 5 years. Very early on in the game the OP should have found another guy, thanks to how her BF let his friends do a number on her.

    5 seconds should have elapsed and then she should have run like hell, not stick around for 5 years and be a happy recipient of this abuse.

    And you sure as all heck don't marry a loser like that! She married him!!!.

    And ideally that should have happened when she met this funky bunch.

    OP: If you dated guys before you met this wunnerful man you married, what where they like? I guarantee you that maybe one or 2 of the BF's friends might have been a pain in the ass or a guy you were not really crazy about -- that is no big deal ---- but I will bet they were nobody who would do anything to hurt you.

    And come again on this, if you can:

    Anyways, yes... I have looked at both anullment and divorce documents already and had a chat with him about signing these in lieu of a worse breakup down the road and he wants to work it out like usual.


    A chat about signing what??? Do you understand what happens during the process of dissolving a marriage?

    My head is spinning from that statement. What you said makes no sense at all.


    I have deleted my facebook account completely to clear my head and changed my name back to maiden name and am being pretty hardcore with him about resolving this for good before the move.

    lThere is no way you could have “just” changed your name back to your maiden name. You are not divorced or annulled  and your spouse is not deceased--- you would provide proof of divorce or annulment or death of a spouse  and then you’d have your name changed to its original state.

    In your case, you’d have to petition a judge to request your name be changed back to your maiden name and I believe you’d have to provide very good reason for the name change. I am pretty sure that is how it works.

    Say, what do you know, anyway? It doesn’t sound like you know anything much at all.

    If you mean that you simply decided to call yourself Mary Smith instead of Mary Loser, and legally your name is his last name, I do not think that's legal at all. Legally your name is Mary Loser. You have attained your husband's last name.


  • It's probably just me, but I get the sense that OP secretly has a flair for the dramatic.  Maybe this will be the spice to keep the marriage alive.

  • DrWifePhD said:
    It's probably just me, but I get the sense that OP secretly has a flair for the dramatic.  Maybe this will be the spice to keep the marriage alive.

    Ya know, I read these posts and sometimes think to myself "39 years on this earth and never has anyone:  gotten in my face, disrespected me on Facebook, had a screaming match with me at an inappropriate time...not so much as a hair pullin' with my brothers cousins baby momma...nothing. What AM I doing wrong?". 

Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards