Opposite Sex Friends and Boundaries

taralee1983

What kind of boundaries do you have?

artbyallie

Why would anyone who loves and trusts their partner even have weird rules like your first three choices?

Besides, I'm bisexual. Does that mean I can't have any friends at all?

I trust H to keep it in his pants when he's not with me.

englishtrish1

I find it interesting that you use the word boundaries. Boundaries are things you yourself have and apply to your life, they are not rules you put on others

taralee1983

I guess I should have asked what's acceptable lol

simplyelise

I think I worried more about this when I was single with lot's of male friends. I was always very careful to make sure their wives/girlfriends didn't feel uncomfortable with the friendship. That meant being clear to invite them both to things (even if I didn't have her # but just messaged, Hey John, you and Suzie want to come over for game night?). It also meant that I wasn't comfortable having lunch or doing something one on one unless I was also friends with the gf and she was fully aware of things. This was just my personal boundary so that an innocent friendship from my POV was not misconstrued by the friend or their partner.

My husband and I both have many opposite gender friends, although most don't live in the city where we live. I think I'd only have issues if the friend was antagonistic and rude to me during any encounters OR if I found out about meet-ups after the fact OR if DH was avoiding introducing me.

Of course those are all hypotheticals. I love all of DH's female friends (could do without a couple of the male ones!) and he gets on well with my male friends. 

taralee1983

I'm surprised 100% of the voters are ok with their spouse hanging out one on one with an opposite sex friend.

GilliC

taralee1983 said:

I'm surprised 100% of the voters are ok with their spouse hanging out one on one with an opposite sex friend.

I'm surprised that this surprises you. Have you never had an opposite-sex friend that you weren't attracted to?

Or if you're in a relationship, does your partner have issues with this? Because if that's the case, I would consider it a bit of a red flag that s/he doesn't trust you. And that is a problem that needs to be addressed and resolved stat!

taralee1983

It's not trust.  It's comfort.

BlueBirdMB

I have one straight, male friend.  We don't hang out in romantic settings, but we text and we see each other a lot.  We have lunch once a week actually.  My husband knows him and we hang out with my husband sometimes too.  I think there should be boundaries, but just hanging out is certainly okay.

englishtrish1

I'm comfortable with it because I trust my husband

artbyallie

taralee1983 said:

It's not trust.  It's comfort.

What is there not to be comfortable about? Can you/your SO really not restrain yourselves from ripping off your clothes and leaping on someone of the opposite sex when you're alone with them? If so you have other problems.

VOR

taralee1983 said:

It's not trust.  It's comfort.

No, it's trust.  It's 100% trust.  You can try to label it as "comfort", but what does that even mean?  In the end- it absolutely boils down to trust. 

GilliC

taralee1983 said:

It's not trust.  It's comfort.

If you're not comfortable around friends of the opposite sex, I would consider them "acquaintances" rather than friends. 

Being comfortable around people is not a gender issue. Haven't you ever met someone of the same sex that you weren't comfortable around? Or that your spouse wasn't comfortable around?

I fail to see the correlation here.

taralee1983

It's also principle. And it leads to temptation.

englishtrish1

taralee1983 said:

It's also principle. And it leads to temptation.

My eyes almost rolled out of my head!!
What do you mean principle? As for it leading to temptation you must live in a world populated by femme fatales and lotharios, normal people don't suddenly fall into a sexual relationship with their friends.

taralee1983

"Forsaking all others."  That means minimalize opposite sex friendships.

englishtrish1

No it does not. It means forsaking romantic relationships not friendships. I'm guessing you don't trust MrTaraLee1983 with one oh his friends.

taralee1983

It's not about trust.  I just feel it's not appropriate to keep texting opposite sex friends once you are married.  We got married in a spur-the-moment while on vacation after eight months of dating, and he's still in touch with female friends.  I dropped all my guy friends, and I think he should extend the same courtesy.

jtmh2012

taralee1983 said:

I dropped all my guy friends, and I think he should extend the same courtesy.

And here I think we've found the problem. You shouldn't have dropped your guy friends. Unless you're not able to control yourself?

Just to give you an idea of how stupid all this sounds......what if your husband had male friends, but they happened to be gay or bi-sexual?

GilliC

taralee1983 said:

It's not about trust.  I just feel it's not appropriate to keep texting opposite sex friends once you are married.  We got married in a spur-the-moment while on vacation after eight months of dating, and he's still in touch with female friends.  I dropped all my guy friends, and I think he should extend the same courtesy.

You feel that it's not appropriate. Presumably your husband feels differently. This is why it's so important to sit down and talk about the hard questions before you decide on the spur of the moment to get married. However, that ship has sailed, so instead you should see this as the first of many disagreements and different viewpoints you will have over the years, so use it as a chance to practice your communication and compromise skills. Explain to him why you feel this way, and listen to why he feels differently.

And since nearly all the people you've asked both here and on The Knot tend to agree with your husband that this is completely fine, I strongly suggest that this be one of the times when you are the one to compromise.

GilliC

taralee1983 said:

I dropped all my guy friends, and I think he should extend the same courtesy.

Also, could you explain how you did that? Genuinely curious. Was it a quick text to say, "Hey! Now that I'm a married woman, we can't be friends anymore. Good luck with life!" or how does that work?

puppylove2014

taralee1983 said:

It's not about trust.  I just feel it's not appropriate to keep texting opposite sex friends once you are married.  We got married in a spur-the-moment while on vacation after eight months of dating, and he's still in touch with female friends.  I dropped all my guy friends, and I think he should extend the same courtesy.

Well I'm sure this will all work out just fine! 

This is exactly why getting married "spur of the moment" after 8 months of dating is not a good decision. You didn't even know each other's boundaries for opposite sex friends?! 

It is about trust. Maybe if you had these important conversations BEFORE you got married, you wouldn't be in this pickle.

I would suggest you guys get into counseling now. This is a big issue to be on completely opposite ends on. I'm sure there will be more you need to hammer out. 

It really doesn't matter one bit what others on a website think. What matters is what you and your husband think and you guys aren't even close to on the same page. 

Is this what yiur other post was about too? Are you hoping he'll drop his single friends too?

VOR

puppylove2014 said:

Is this what yiur other post was about too? Are you hoping he'll drop his single friends too?

OMG.  I didn't notice that was her too.  LOL.  Yeah... taralee, if you're expecting that now that you're married that neither of you will have opposite sex OR single friends.... good luck w/ that.

beyondwords106

Neither of us like being completely alone with someone of the opposite sex.  Not because we think something will happen or don't trust each other, but we have heard so many stories of people starting stupid rumors that something was going on when it wasn't.  Being alone in public is fine, just not alone in a home.  It's just a matter of keeping yourself accountable and not letting people suggest things that aren't happening.

BlueBirdMB

I do agree a little with beyondwords.  I'm concerned that everyone here is so set in their opinions.  I don't think there is one right or wrong answer here- I think the right answer is whatever you and your SO decide together.

artbyallie

taralee1983 said:

It's not about trust.  I just feel it's not appropriate to keep texting opposite sex friends once you are married.  We got married in a spur-the-moment while on vacation after eight months of dating, and he's still in touch with female friends.  I dropped all my guy friends, and I think he should extend the same courtesy.

And I say again, I am bi. I didn't stop texting even the same sex friends I am actually attracted to, let alone any of the friends with whom I would never even dream of getting intimate with. I also don't expect H to stop texting the women he's friends with. And he's a very flirtatious guy in general. But I know without a shadow of doubt he would never actually cheat so I am unthreatened.

VOR

BlueBirdMB said:

I do agree a little with beyondwords.  I'm concerned that everyone here is so set in their opinions.  I don't think there is one right or wrong answer here- I think the right answer is whatever you and your SO decide together.

I agree with the bolded, but that seems to be a part of the issue here.  Taralee gave up all her guy friends because that's what SHE thinks you should do, but her DH hasn't done the same and she's upset.

While I don't agree with her in general, I REALLY don't agree if it means making her DH do something he doesn't want to do. 

Samboni

Having friends of the opposite sex is ok to a certain extent. People can say "I trust my SO" all day long, but it's not smart to nurture friendships of the opposite sex on certain levels. Spending extended amounts of time alone with someone of the opposite sex can lead to a friendship transitioning into an emotional or physical affair. Happens to good people with good intentions every day. I've seen it on this board a hundred times. Blind trust can lead to being blindsided. I think respecting boundaries is important, but a couple needs to set the boundaries together. It's going to be different for every couple and you have to find out what works for you.

BlueBirdMB

VOR said:

BlueBirdMB said:

I do agree a little with beyondwords.  I'm concerned that everyone here is so set in their opinions.  I don't think there is one right or wrong answer here- I think the right answer is whatever you and your SO decide together.

I agree with the bolded, but that seems to be a part of the issue here.  Taralee gave up all her guy friends because that's what SHE thinks you should do, but her DH hasn't done the same and she's upset.

While I don't agree with her in general, I REALLY don't agree if it means making her DH do something he doesn't want to do. 

I think what I'm trying to say is that I don't agree that Taralee should be making her husband do what he doesn't want to do, but what she's doing isn't absolutely, 100% wrong, as long as her husband also agrees.  She should be working to find a middle ground with her husband- something they can both agree on.  That solution is the correct one.  There is no absolute right and wrong in this situation like other posters seem to believe there is.  

nurse714

taralee1983 said:

It's also principle. And it leads to temptation.

I 100% agree, temptation should be avoided but I never went out or texted any of my male friends anyway, and most of my husband's female friends were women that he once dated or wanted to sleep with but they turned him down and they remained friends so his relationship with them ended when we became exclusive per my request. 

My advice is that it doesn't matter what other married couples do, it's the agreement you and your husband come up. 

I'm the only one that voted no opposite sex friends allowed and it's very surprising to me because not one of my married friends have friends of the opposite sex that they text and go out with. 

amoraresdevivir

I would never have married someone that didn't feel comfortable with me continuing my friendships as they've always been, and I would never tell someone I love and trust that they need to alter or discontinue friendships to appease me. I trust my husband, he trusts me. We feel completely comfortable with one another and with one another's friendships, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Hell, I was just having a few drinks at my male friend's apartment last night. We played a video game and got a little tipsy, and it was just the two of us, and my husband was the one who came to pick me up at the end of the night so I didn't have to drive home after drinking. I'm really grateful that our relationship is like this. I really don't think I could have stayed in it if it wasn't.