Opposite Sex Friends and Boundaries

LD1970

Ditto the poster directly above me.  My best friend is male.  My most longstanding friend (42 years!) is male.  The majority of my very close friends are male (probably because I have very little patience for ridiculous women like OP).

Most of my friends came before my H, and they weren't going ANYWHERE.  Had my H told me he wasn't comfortable with me having male friends, communicating with them as I see fit, or hanging out with them - unchaperoned - as I see fit, he wouldn't be my H.  End of story.  By the same token, H has female friends he's hung out with without me.

Because it IS about trust, and nothing else.  If you haven't got trust, you haven't got a relationship, and you shouldn't be married.

OP, if I was married to you, I'd be drafting a Complaint for Divorce right about now.  Of course, I wouldn't be married to you, because I was smart enough to discuss these things before getting married to make sure my H & I were on the same page.  Because that's how rational adults do it.

GilliC

NurseRobinson said:

Of course, I wouldn't be married to you, because I was smart enough to discuss these things before getting married to make sure my H & I were on the same page.  Because that's how rational adults do it.

You mean rational adults don't decide on the spur of the moment during a vacation to get married when they've only been dating for 8 months?! But that's so romaaaaaantic! It must be the way rational adults do it, because it happens that way in the movies and they live happily ever after!
/sarcasm

RissAnn1970

I know, I know... Communication is so damned unromantic.

NBree

.

HeatherKirkpatrick

I have heard this subject discussed both from someone who has been married nearly 25 years with three children and someone in college who had been dating someone for nearly three years.  And from what I understand, they both believed in having friends of the opposite sex.  However, they did not believe in hanging out with the person one-on-one.  

It was an understanding that the couples had with one another.  Why?  They personally had two reasons. 

1) It would not open the door for any sort of misunderstanding or accusations of cheating from the significant other.  Of course, trust is important in a relationship.  However, misunderstandings still happen.  Doubt still happens.  No one wants it to, but no one's perfect and no relationship is perfect.

2) To not bring temptation to oneself.  Boundaries are there for a reason, and a lot of boundaries I have heard of and I have had for myself are personal ones so I don't go farther than I want to (especially sexually when I was in high school and college before I got married).  I want to be faithful to my husband, and I want to be with him forever.  I don't even want to be tempted to be with a man, which could be likely during a time where I'm sad or angry with my husband.

I'm not saying everyone should have these boundaries because I have them, but here's one perspective on it.

LD1970

Sad, angry, drunk, sober... I've never been tempted to cheat.  Does not compute.

GilliC

If you don't trust yourself alone around any member of the opposite sex, then it's fine to choose not to be. However, expecting your spouse to follow the same rule simply because you feel yourself to be untrustworthy does not seem fair or healthy at all.

(However, if you don't trust yourself alone around any man, I would consider talking to a professional. My 80-year-old neighbor Maurice may be a nice guy, but would you really be tempted to fool around with a guy who who refuses to wear his dentures because he thinks they're transmitting his thoughts to the French government???)

sbower03

Since everyone seems to be against you, I just waneed you to know that both my husband and I completely agree with you. We think it's very important to set boundaries and it has nothing to do with trust. It's for protecting yourself from potentially bad situations. It's saying my husband/wife is so important to me that I'm not going to risk the relationship for a text message. Let's face it. Divorce is a very common thing these days, why would you take the risk? My husband and I will not text, go out with, ride in a car, or an elevator with someone of the opposite sex alone. We trust each other completely we just don't think it's appropriate.

puppylove2014

sbower03 said:

Since everyone seems to be against you, I just waneed you to know that both my husband and I completely agree with you. We think it's very important to set boundaries and it has nothing to do with trust. It's for protecting yourself from potentially bad situations. It's saying my husband/wife is so important to me that I'm not going to risk the relationship for a text message. Let's face it. Divorce is a very common thing these days, why would you take the risk? My husband and I will not text, go out with, ride in a car, or an elevator with someone of the opposite sex alone. We trust each other completely we just don't think it's appropriate.

I think every couple has the right to decide what is right for their relationship. Live and let live. 

HOWEVER, you won't ride in an elevator with someone of the opposite sex?! WTF?! That literally made me laugh out loud. 

GilliC

I'm also wondering how a taxi would work. Most taxi drivers in my city are male. I guess I'd be walking everywhere.

And how completely awkward is that at work? You're in a conversation with your boss, and you reach the elevator and say, "Oh, go ahead. I'll meet you downstairs, and we can continue talking about this." Do you do stuff like fake forgetting your purse? Or do you actually explain to people that you can't ride in an elevator alone with them?

ETA - I'm genuinely curious how this works!

nurse714

@sbower03 I totally agree with your comment except the elevator part. You can't ride in an elevator with someone of the opposite sex really???

nurse714

GilliC said:

I'm also wondering how a taxi would work. Most taxi drivers in my city are male. I guess I'd be walking everywhere.

And how completely awkward is that at work? You're in a conversation with your boss, and you reach the elevator and say, "Oh, go ahead. I'll meet you downstairs, and we can continue talking about this." Do you do stuff like fake forgetting your purse? Or do you actually explain to people that you can't ride in an elevator alone with them?

ETA - I'm genuinely curious how this works!

EL OH EL!!!!

LD1970

sbower03 said:

Since everyone seems to be against you, I just waneed you to know that both my husband and I completely agree with you. We think it's very important to set boundaries and it has nothing to do with trust. It's for protecting yourself from potentially bad situations. It's saying my husband/wife is so important to me that I'm not going to risk the relationship for a text message. Let's face it. Divorce is a very common thing these days, why would you take the risk? My husband and I will not text, go out with, ride in a car, or an elevator with someone of the opposite sex alone. We trust each other completely we just don't think it's appropriate.

Before you were married, were you prone to accosting random men who happened to be in cars or elevators with you?  Or is this a new compulsion that arose after you took vows?

NoneForUs

GilliC said:

Of course, I wouldn't be married to you, because I was smart enough to discuss these things before getting married to make sure my H & I were on the same page.  Because that's how rational adults do it.

You mean rational adults don't decide on the spur of the moment during a vacation to get married when they've only been dating for 8 months?! But that's so romaaaaaantic! It must be the way rational adults do it, because it happens that way in the movies and they live happily ever after! /sarcasm

This. While there are some couples who marry shortly after meeting and have successful marriages, those pairs are few and far between. Unfortunately, some people think that marriage is all about romance and passion. Those elements are important but they aren't enough for the long haul. 

NoneForUs

sbower03 said:

Since everyone seems to be against you, I just waneed you to know that both my husband and I completely agree with you. We think it's very important to set boundaries and it has nothing to do with trust. It's for protecting yourself from potentially bad situations. It's saying my husband/wife is so important to me that I'm not going to risk the relationship for a text message. Let's face it. Divorce is a very common thing these days, why would you take the risk? My husband and I will not text, go out with, ride in a car, or an elevator with someone of the opposite sex alone. We trust each other completely we just don't think it's appropriate.