Husband's hobby or obsession

Panthercat

DH has always played the guitar, but a few years ago he got more interested in it and now obsesses about it. He doesn't have any other interests and comes home from work at a reasonable time but I don't understand why he is so obsessed with playing the guitar. He owns more than one (why???) and once the kids are asleep he likes to quietly play by himself instead of spend time with me. Some nights he will literally play for hours by himself. He learns songs that I like in the hopes that I will want to listen but ai rather he pay attention to me or do something that we both want to do. Sometimes I will find out that he comes home from work over lunch to play when no one is home so he can turn the volume up and "hear himself." Plus instruments and amps take up space and clutter the house. He is a good father and works hard, but it would be nice if he showed interest in me and what I want to do instead of wasting time strumming away on the guitar and wasting his life away. Is it wrong of me to tell him that he needs to stop?

Xstatic3333

I don't think playing guitar is wasting your life away, and I definitely wouldn't tell him to stop. If you feel like you aren't getting enough one-on-one time, however, that's a conversation worth having. I'd leave his hobby out of it, because that could lead to resentment, and just tell him you'd like to have couples time sometimes once the kids are in bed or date nights on the weekends. It'd also be worth talking to him if he's neglecting his responsibilities or taxing your finances, but I don't get that sense from your post.

Do you have any hobbies you'd like to pursue? I also think it would be worthwhile to ask him to watch the kids sometimes so you can pursue your own interests. I think keeping hobbies alive can be really good for a marriage as long as it's not too out of hand. I'd also try to listen when he wants to play you a song sometimes. My H will sometimes call me over to show me something on a video game (his hobby that I'm super not into) and it's really hard to feign interest but I know it's important to him.

Also, as a former guitar player myself I can try to explain the multiple guitars thing. Different guitars can have very different sounds that are fun to play around with. They are also, in many cases, appreciating assets if they're of decent quality to start. My HS guitar has doubled in value since I bought it.

TarponMonoxide

Panthercat said:

DH has always played the guitar, but a few years ago he got more interested in it and now obsesses about it. He doesn't have any other interests and comes home from work at a reasonable time but I don't understand why he is so obsessed with playing the guitar. He owns more than one (why???) and once the kids are asleep he likes to quietly play by himself instead of spend time with me. Some nights he will literally play for hours by himself. He learns songs that I like in the hopes that I will want to listen but ai rather he pay attention to me or do something that we both want to do. Sometimes I will find out that he comes home from work over lunch to play when no one is home so he can turn the volume up and "hear himself." Plus instruments and amps take up space and clutter the house. He is a good father and works hard, but it would be nice if he showed interest in me and what I want to do instead of wasting time strumming away on the guitar and wasting his life away. Is it wrong of me to tell him that he needs to stop?

I am just curious....

Can you think of somthing that happened right about the time he started to play the guitar more than usual?

It might be llinked to that time of his life where something happened, but maybe not.

Lots of musicians own more than one axe. If he seems to be hoarding guitars or spending money on an instrument or some other accessory you and he cannot afford, have an issue with that.

Is there a jam session he can go to? Maybe he can blow off steam there.

 

GilliC

I agree with PPs. Not enough couples time and guitar hobby may seem related because they both involve how he spends his time, but correlation is not causation. They are probably not related, and blaming the guitars is going to hurt more than help.

Just tell him that you'd like to spend more time together and propose some ideas. Even if it's just a movie on the sofa. But come with ideas, set a time, make plans, and stick to them. The conversation: "We should spend more time together." "Okay." Is not going to solve the problem.

Disneygeek77

I agree with @GilliC.  If I were you I would make definitive plans when you both have time off.  I mean don't fill the time  up entirely, but still do some planning.  For example tell him " Ok Sat at 2 we are going to this new restaurant for lunch and then we are going to see _________ movie." 

janined22

I believe that he sees playing his guitar as an outlet for stress release, a form of getting away from everything and just losing himself into the flow of the music.  I play the piano and that is how it is for me, it is nothing against my husband or our son, it is just the me time that I need in order to escape all of the stress of the day.

What you should do is plan a date night, set one night a week that is a date night for both you and him.  Also, plan errands you both do together on the weekends and make an effort to just sit back, relax and listen to the music your husband plays.  Maybe you will end up liking it.

BlueBirdMB

I'm a professional musician.  I can tell you for a fact that for certain people, music is all consuming.  If they don't choose to make money at it, then it's a hobby, but it's still all consuming and is actually more all consuming of free time when it's a hobby instead of a profession.  It's how we are wired.  

Music is good for cognitive and creative thoughts.  It's not like he's just watching TV all day.  

I own 6 guitars and owned 4 long before this became my full time gig.  Guitars sound different and are appropriate for different styles of music.

If you are concerned that the two of you aren't spending quality time together, then you need to discuss it from that angle.  Set boundaries.  I get all consumed by my projects and my husband and I have had to set time aside for ourselves where I turn music off.

Panthercat

I appreciate the responses but feel like I am not expressing myself properly. DH has a really good job and we have no monetary issues. He doesn't have any other hobbies and doesn't have a lot of friends. He does't play videogames, golf, or have any other expensive vices that other men try to use to escape reality. He doesn't drink other than a beer or two a month and spends a lot of time with the kids. Despite his career, he still puts in at least 50% of the housework, if not more. On paper he sounds like a great husband, but I didn't sign up to marry Willie Nelson or EddieVan Halen, and I would appreciate a little morequiet as having small kids is stressful. My issue with his hobby is that is isn't productive. It doesn't give him exercise and there is no tangable value that we get from it. I like to cook, but the family benefits from it. There is NO benefit to this hobby. I know people say it is a release but there are tons of other things that can be a release that actually have value or can benefit him. It is flat out annoying me regardless of where he playes or at what volume (even headphones). Plus he now wants to go off and jam with people that he meets in guitar class at night instead of being home. If he isn't playing (which he knows is not allowed when the kids are awake) he is reading something about guitar. As far as the multiple guitar and amp stuff, i think it is rediculous. The all sound the same to me. All the amps are too loud and our house is small so we don't have the room for it. Plus it creates a hazard for the kids. I told him that he should sell all of it and just the play with the acoustic guitar but he always talks about sound and tone and that he likes the "feel" of the electric guitar better. I'm sure I sound cruel but why can't he find something that benefis us all or that would be better for him? This living with a wanna be rockstar is for the birds. I wish he would just grow up and concentrate more on being a husband and father, or find a hobby that ai can enjoy too, kilr learning how to cook. I knew he liked to play the guitar when I met him but he is a grown up so he should stop acting like he is in high school.

simplyelise

Yeah, you do sound ridiculous. Not everything in life has to have a utilitarian purpose. Reading novels, watching movies, gardening, none of those provide any utilitarian benefit to you, but that doesn't mean we should abandon them. It sounds like this is something he's getting enjoyment from and he's also making friends through it, so there are benefits. The benefit to you is that you have a husband who is happy and taking care of his mental health. 

Previous Posters have told you plenty of suggestions for how to increase your quality time if you feel neglected by him not spending enough time with you in favor of playing. But right now it sounds like you just don't want him to have anything for himself. So it seems like an attitude adjustment is the biggest need right now.

joleri23

It sounds like this problem goes beyond your hubby playing guitar and into something that bothers you deep down. Maybe you should seek counseling to get to the root of your problem. Playing an instrument DOES add value - what if he teaches your kids to play some day and they really love it? I'm just not sure what the problem is, even after reading your clarification, and that's why I think there's a deeper issue bothering you.

Panthercat

Its not that I don't want him to enjoy something, but he should pick something different that isn't so annoying and without value. The family gets NOTHING out of it, except for his interest in something outside of the family. If he wants to strum away on a guitar once the kids are grown and have left the nest, and he retires, then fine. But at this stage of life, I find it insulting to me or our family that his interests lies elsewhere. I don't bother with hobbies because I need to focus on the family. Why shouldn't I expect the same out of my significant other? I don't feel the need to spend hundreds of dollars on gear that clutters our house and that no one gets nay enjoyment out of except him. I don't want our kids growing up and getting into a music/drug using subculture. He seriously needs to get his priorities in order. I'm sorry to those of you that feel different, but I desire a husband who cares about his family and not himself.

Panthercat

simplyelise said:

Yeah, you do sound ridiculous. Not everything in life has to have a utilitarian purpose. Reading novels, watching movies, gardening, none of those provide any utilitarian benefit to you, but that doesn't mean we should abandon them. It sounds like this is something he's getting enjoyment from and he's also making friends through it, so there are benefits. The benefit to you is that you have a husband who is happy and taking care of his mental health. 

Previous Posters have told you plenty of suggestions for how to increase your quality time if you feel neglected by him not spending enough time with you in favor of playing. But right now it sounds like you just don't want him to have anything for himself. So it seems like an attitude adjustment is the biggest need right now.

Reading books, watching movies, gardening are all things we can do together, but he never wants to watch TV or movies with me, as our interests are different in that regard. He will watch some movies with me, but he wants to watch action, violence, and depressing stuff, or documentaries about musicians, to which I have absolutely no interest in.

My issue is not that everything has to have a utilitarian purpose, but it would be something that he can share and that doesn't annoy the heck out of the rest of us. How would he like it if I decided to pursue an interest in chainsaws and decided to run them at all hours of the day?

I don't want to kill his hobby because he will probably resent me, but I also don't want a husband who wants to be a rock star and go hang out at clubs and rock out all the time, or have an interest that deemphasizes us or what I want to do. I am trying to do whats best for our family here.

Panthercat

....plus reading and gardening are good for the kids to see. DH playing guitar? Ahmmm....no!

magsugar13

Music is good for children to see and hear as well. You did mention that he did this after the kids went to sleep, so they wouldnt be seeing it anyway according to your OP.

This really isnt about guitar playing, its bout him not spending time with you. You are seeing the guitar as the object that keeps him from you, but it is him that is withdrawn from you for a deeper reason. You need to find out why and work on that.

Panthercat

Why does there have to be some deeper issue? This hobby is a waste of time and a gateway to worse things. Does there really have to be more to it than that? A good husband wouldn't be interested in trying to get time to themselves so that they can "get lost in the music." He has his whole life to do that, but now he is a father and should be selfless because of it. A lot of husbands find hobbies to escape their responsibilities and to indulge themselves. This is no different. If he wants "me" time then he should find something that we can all benefit from. Exercise more. Learn to cook. Do someting I would enjoy too. Take the kids to the park. Do something so you can show our children how to work and not be a loafer. Quit loading our house up with guitars and stuff that causes a danger to our children. Musis is good for kids? Fine. Then teach them the piano or something else that isn't loud and annoying. He bought our kids little guitars so he can play with them but I know it is really just a ploy so that if the kids get interested it will give him the freedom to pursue his interest more. He tried to get our sons into football so he could watch it on TV - not for the, but for him! This isn't about me wanting more time with my husband or being needy or controlling. He is always here. For the most part I have no issues with him - he works hard, supports us very well, does a lot around the house, and is always with the kids and willing to let me have time to do what I want or usualy does what I want with no complaints. I feel like many of you wll be judgmental and tell me that I am asking for to much, but I feel like I am advocating for our family and asking for a better husband who isn't so self centered and obsessed with his guitars. If I could get him out of tha interest then life would be much better (and quieter).

BlueBirdMB

YOU don't have to get anything from his hobby.  We all deserve to have something for ourselves.  He shouldn't be cutting into family time and should be helping to raise his kids equally, but as long as he is doing his share of the work and spending quality time, there is nothing wrong with this hobby.  

 You're sounding pretty selfish and obviously have zero appreciation for music.  I'd say you're lacking appreciation for your husband.  If this is something that is important to him, and you can't find it in yourself to, in the least, accept that he has a hobby that doesn't include you, then you are not appreciating him for who he is.  Loud and annoying?  Is that all music is to you?  Well then my life is very loud and annoying.  As a professional I will tell you that music of all styles and played by all instruments has the same positive effect on children.  

IT'S A HOBBY.  "He works hard, supports us very well, does a lot around the house, and is always with the kids and willing to let me have time to do what I want".  Then leave him alone!  Again I say, we all need something for ourselves and he could have picked something a lot worse than guitar.  

This is sounding so ridiculous, I'm calling MUD

sillygirlio

Panthercat -

What do you do for a living?  Are you a stay at home Mom or a working Mom?  Just curious.

Panthercat

I am a stay at home mom. I am not envious or jealous or anything like that. This is where I want to be right now and am very thankful that my husband works so hard so that I don't have to. Most everything-on paper-is fine. I didn't mean to offend anyone and I apprecate music and the arts but arenot moved by it to the extent others. My interests are fitness, yoga, reading, and cooking. i appreciate hobbies and have the myself. I reread my prior posts and realize that I worded it to sound like a shun on musicians which is not the case and i'm sorry. My frustration is boiling over and I sound like a spoiled brat. I need to differentiate this situation with a professional musician or serious hobbyist. He obsesses over it. Thinks about it all the time. He doesn't talk about anything else or show an interest in anythng else other than our kids and me. He is so focused on it, and this is why at it's core I am unhappy about it. I can see that he loves us but I feel like it is an addiction and not healthy. The volume (in gear more than sound) irritates me to no end - like it would anyone - but it is his focus that drives my insensitivity to it. It is like music is his only passion and everything else is just an inconvenience in life. It's obviously not a profession but it's more than a hobby to him. He doesn't just play once in a while and he has NO other hobbies or interests so to speak. It's not a healthy hobby from what I see in him and that is why it scares me and why I feel amost like it is an obsession and a problem in our marriage.

artbyallie

Art has value for its own sake. I can't take you seriously if you're going to take issue with someone having a passion for any kind of art. He still takes an interest in you and the kids, so let him have his hobby. He doesn't have to have multiple ones if this one satisfies him.

Your only somewhat legitimate complaint here is that it's loud, but then you go on to say the amount of gear bothers you more than the sound. Surely he can practice in another room or the garage or whatever and turn down the amps. You're coming across as super judgmental about his choice of artistic expression.

puppylove2014

It seriously infuriates me that you are looking at your husband buying your kids guitars as a ploy. He wants to share what he loves with them and you see him as being selfish? What?! You are also horribly misled to think once you are a parent you should be 100% selfless and only have hobbies that include the whole family. Are you f-ing kidding me?!

Your husband works hard to allow you to stay home and take care of your kids. That is an amazing gift. Someday he can teach them to play guitar, or support them in whatever they decide they're in to because he will understand loving something not everyone gets. That is what a great dad is made of. That is where awesome memories come from. Showing your kids that it's ok to have your own life, it's ok to have your own passion and be your own person. 

You know your kids will grow up one day, right? If you do it right they will leave your home and be their own person. Where will you be if you only live for them and ignore yourself all together?

I actually think YOU need counselling. You think your husband tried to teach your kids about football to watch tv more? Seriously? You sound a little unbalanced. You are seeing ulterior motives where there are none. I think you need to get out of the house a bit more. Do you have anything away from your home and kids you enjoy?

magsugar13

Yep, Puppy I think you are spot on. I'm starting to think this is MUD or that I know why her husband spends so much time with his guitars!

GilliC

Panthercat said:

Why does there have to be some deeper issue? This hobby is a waste of time and a gateway to worse things. Does there really have to be more to it than that? A good husband wouldn't be interested in trying to get time to themselves so that they can "get lost in the music." He has his whole life to do that, but now he is a father and should be selfless because of it. A lot of husbands find hobbies to escape their responsibilities and to indulge themselves. This is no different. If he wants "me" time then he should find something that we can all benefit from. Exercise more. Learn to cook. Do someting I would enjoy too. Take the kids to the park. Do something so you can show our children how to work and not be a loafer. Quit loading our house up with guitars and stuff that causes a danger to our children. Musis is good for kids? Fine. Then teach them the piano or something else that isn't loud and annoying. He bought our kids little guitars so he can play with them but I know it is really just a ploy so that if the kids get interested it will give him the freedom to pursue his interest more. He tried to get our sons into football so he could watch it on TV - not for the, but for him! This isn't about me wanting more time with my husband or being needy or controlling. He is always here. For the most part I have no issues with him - he works hard, supports us very well, does a lot around the house, and is always with the kids and willing to let me have time to do what I want or usualy does what I want with no complaints. I feel like many of you wll be judgmental and tell me that I am asking for to much, but I feel like I am advocating for our family and asking for a better husband who isn't so self centered and obsessed with his guitars. If I could get him out of tha interest then life would be much better (and quieter).

There has to be a deeper issue, because what you're saying is batshit crazy. We're all trying to understand what you're really trying to say, because nothing you've told us about your H sounds unreasonable or unhealthy at all. Yet what you're spouting about 100% selflessness, ulterior motives, having a single hobby is obsessive, guitar being the most annoying of all music ever, etc DOES sound unreasonable and unhealthy.

I call MUD. And if not, get thee to a counselor.

Xstatic3333

I highly disagree that guitar has no intrinsic value. Exposure to music is great for your H and great for your kids. I'm currently planning to buy my H drums for a birthday present because I want him to fulfill that part of himself again. Honestly, you sound like you're playing the martyr card a bit here. You have no hobbies that aren't family related so he shouldn't either? That's bunk. You both should be able to if you're meeting your family obligations, which you are.

If sound is the main driver, maybe he could use cork board to soundproof the basement. If time together is the issue, we've given you plenty of advice there. I think you really, really need to adjust your attitude about his passion or you're going to drive him away. Can you imagine if you cooked something special that you were excited about and your H said "who cares? You should have been spending time with the kids instead?" Because that's basically what you're doing right now. Just because YOU aren't into music doesn't mean it's without value. And, nothing you've said so far makes me think the hobby is unhealthy.

crankyturtle

Music (art) is therapeutic; for some, it's refuge.

Guitar can benefit the kids
Just because you're uninterested doesn't mean that it's not of value.

express your concerns for the lack of space available for his equipment...maybe you all can rent a small storage for the unused units

and discuss that you'd like to spend more time with him & how. Make sure it's meaningful time.

Not including the kids, I think you're just irritated that the time he spends with his music is more than that of which he spends with you. Maybe it's leaving you feeling inadequate or unimportant. Truth be told, if it was any other "hobby" of his, you'd have the same reaction.

Let the man be. Maybe he's at peace. Seems like that's the only thing he has to himself.

Maybe you have previous issues with feeling inadequate or ignored

Both of you go to therapy if you can't resolve it; Come to a compromise with your man or deal with it

mellowmarshmallow

Panthercat said:

Why does there have to be some deeper issue? This hobby is a waste of time and a gateway to worse things. Does there really have to be more to it than that? A good husband wouldn't be interested in trying to get time to themselves so that they can "get lost in the music." He has his whole life to do that, but now he is a father and should be selfless because of it. A lot of husbands find hobbies to escape their responsibilities and to indulge themselves. This is no different. If he wants "me" time then he should find something that we can all benefit from. Exercise more. Learn to cook. Do someting I would enjoy too. Take the kids to the park. Do something so you can show our children how to work and not be a loafer. Quit loading our house up with guitars and stuff that causes a danger to our children. Musis is good for kids? Fine. Then teach them the piano or something else that isn't loud and annoying. He bought our kids little guitars so he can play with them but I know it is really just a ploy so that if the kids get interested it will give him the freedom to pursue his interest more. He tried to get our sons into football so he could watch it on TV - not for the, but for him! This isn't about me wanting more time with my husband or being needy or controlling. He is always here. For the most part I have no issues with him - he works hard, supports us very well, does a lot around the house, and is always with the kids and willing to let me have time to do what I want or usualy does what I want with no complaints. I feel like many of you wll be judgmental and tell me that I am asking for to much, but I feel like I am advocating for our family and asking for a better husband who isn't so self centered and obsessed with his guitars. If I could get him out of tha interest then life would be much better (and quieter).

I will wade into the MUD puddle. What is guitar a gateway to?

puppylove2014

mellowmarshmallow said:

Panthercat said:

Why does there have to be some deeper issue? This hobby is a waste of time and a gateway to worse things. Does there really have to be more to it than that? A good husband wouldn't be interested in trying to get time to themselves so that they can "get lost in the music." He has his whole life to do that, but now he is a father and should be selfless because of it. A lot of husbands find hobbies to escape their responsibilities and to indulge themselves. This is no different. If he wants "me" time then he should find something that we can all benefit from. Exercise more. Learn to cook. Do someting I would enjoy too. Take the kids to the park. Do something so you can show our children how to work and not be a loafer. Quit loading our house up with guitars and stuff that causes a danger to our children. Musis is good for kids? Fine. Then teach them the piano or something else that isn't loud and annoying. He bought our kids little guitars so he can play with them but I know it is really just a ploy so that if the kids get interested it will give him the freedom to pursue his interest more. He tried to get our sons into football so he could watch it on TV - not for the, but for him! This isn't about me wanting more time with my husband or being needy or controlling. He is always here. For the most part I have no issues with him - he works hard, supports us very well, does a lot around the house, and is always with the kids and willing to let me have time to do what I want or usualy does what I want with no complaints. I feel like many of you wll be judgmental and tell me that I am asking for to much, but I feel like I am advocating for our family and asking for a better husband who isn't so self centered and obsessed with his guitars. If I could get him out of tha interest then life would be much better (and quieter).

I will wade into the MUD puddle. What is guitar a gateway to?

Don't be naive. First it's the guitar, next thing you know he's sneaking off to Vegas for hookers and blow. Duh. It's the only logical next step.

BlueBirdMB

I will wade into the MUD puddle. What is guitar a gateway to?

Don't be naive. First it's the guitar, next thing you know he's sneaking off to Vegas for hookers and blow. Duh. It's the only logical next step.

LMAO! 

Knottie86667276

Wow, you sounds completely off your rocker...You're bascially saying he's not allowed to have time to himself and must always think about you and your family, 100% of the time...get real.  

I think you're mad because he chose a hobby you have no interest in...And, in all reality, you can't CHOOSE his hobby for him...How would you feel if he told you you HAD to play golf in your free time because it benefits the family?  You sound like crazy bitch.

bridetobemnm07

I can relate to how you are feeling. My husband loves skiing and at times I feel like he spends too much doing it. Whether he is waxing his skis, reading about it, shopping for stuff or actually out doing it. I get frustrated at times because I want him to spend time with me, but in reading what you wrote it sounds horrible. Your husband loves playing the guitar, he's home, not running around the town, helps you around the house, is a good dad. I don't see any harm in him playing the guitar.I think it is a good idea to set aside special time for the 2 of you as well, but to say you don't want him playing the guitar is just not right. Again, I can relate to how you are feeling. I've felt similar a lot times, but I would never tell my husband to stop skiing he loves it. This post actually helped to open my eyes as well. We all need that outlet and "me" time. Talk to him and try to set a night specifically for you both.

noffgurl

I am so glad I'm not married to you.

dem1303

WOW! The universe has sent me a message. I've been absolutely fuming since yesterday about my husband's hobby/obsession but reading this post, follow ups, and replies immediately sucked all (okay, most) of that anger right out of me. "omg," I thought, "I'm THIS crazy lady!" Just as I realized that I was being ridiculous, I hope you have, too. If not, god help that husband of yours.