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cmq5
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Husband unhappy after relocating close to my family +
in Married Life
The back story: I met my husband in New Orleans in 2002, he was born and raised there and never lived anywhere else. We bought a house in 2010, got married in 2012 and welcomed our son in 2013. He ran his family's candy business and I was a self employed stay at home mom/helper in the fam biz. He didn't love his job, since he had pretty much done it since birth, but it seemed stable and he was proud of it. We were putting down roots and in it for the long haul.
Last May, after nearly two years of family biz turmoil, my mother in law decided she no longer to be retired and there wasn't enough money for both she and us to be involved in her business. Our income was cut off and we had to decide what to do.
With no savings we decided to sell our house (market was way up and it was a good time to sell) and move to Boston to be closer to my family, better job opportunities for me and a better life for our son.
My husband was and still is very upset by the actions of his mother, and was very scared to leave his only home but could also see the benefits of the move.
Now: we have been living in the boston area for about a month. I start work next week. This will be the first time in 18 months (since my son was born) that I will be away from him every day. My husband will be a stay at home dad.
Husband doesn't like crowds, and the geography of Boston is very difficult even for people who have always lived here. He seems afraid to go anywhere on his own and is pretty much unhappy 98% of the time. He is VERY angry with his mom, and hardly spoken to her in months. His life had been turned upside down.
Any advice from other relocated families, how to cope with the general unhappiness with the hope that with time he will get used to our new life. Plus advice for going back to work. I want to be patient with him but I fear for how this is affecting all of us.
Last May, after nearly two years of family biz turmoil, my mother in law decided she no longer to be retired and there wasn't enough money for both she and us to be involved in her business. Our income was cut off and we had to decide what to do.
With no savings we decided to sell our house (market was way up and it was a good time to sell) and move to Boston to be closer to my family, better job opportunities for me and a better life for our son.
My husband was and still is very upset by the actions of his mother, and was very scared to leave his only home but could also see the benefits of the move.
Now: we have been living in the boston area for about a month. I start work next week. This will be the first time in 18 months (since my son was born) that I will be away from him every day. My husband will be a stay at home dad.
Husband doesn't like crowds, and the geography of Boston is very difficult even for people who have always lived here. He seems afraid to go anywhere on his own and is pretty much unhappy 98% of the time. He is VERY angry with his mom, and hardly spoken to her in months. His life had been turned upside down.
Any advice from other relocated families, how to cope with the general unhappiness with the hope that with time he will get used to our new life. Plus advice for going back to work. I want to be patient with him but I fear for how this is affecting all of us.
Re: Husband unhappy after relocating close to my family +
2-Don't move nearby any more family. It can't result in anything good. You and he are a couple of full grown adults. There is NO need to live near your family
3-Your H needs a counselor's care. He's got some sort of problem with anxiety; meds and counseling will work wonders for him.
He also has to gethis anger out -- and I also suspect an apron string problem.
I can't understand why you and he thought it was a good idea to work for her "family business." I suspect you and he were paid off the books and like I said, if he loses his job or has to file for Workman's Comp, he is shit out of luck.
Ditto for no money paid into Social Security and I will bet you and he never had any company benefits: no health insurance, no vacation, no company 401K or pension and no paid sick days off.
Tell me again why his mother was such the wonderful gem to let her chick and treasure (and his wife) come to work for her.
And she cut you off and that was the end????
Too bad the both of you can't tell this horrible woman where to go and what she can do when she gets there, candy sticks and all. UGH.
Again, you have no recourse for this where this would be a legitimate employer-employee issue.
I hate to be the one to go "I told you so" but..."I told you so" --- you and he went into this shit with running her business with your eyes wide open. Nobody held a gun to either one of your heads.
Just what was so special about working for "her business"? This had to be off the books and in the end, she booted the both of you and you and he didn't have a pot to pee in in the end: you said you and he had no savings! What the heck was she paying him????
Running her business?
Gee, if this was even a 2 person operation, he needed to be paid about 70K minimum. I don't know how large the customer base was -- then again, this could be something that never really got off the ground or she had very few clients.
Take my advice about the counseling for your H. He needs to see somebody; he's got a social anxiety problem and only a professional can fix it.
Time is important, it has only been a month. Our circumstances are complicated, but getting into a routine is most likely the answer. It's funny how sometimes you need to vent anonymously and then you can glean your own answers when it's all out there. Thanks for all the advice.
You never rectified! you griped away about how I made assuptions and stirred the pot.
If this was a legitimate business and you were paid on the books, you and he may indeed have some recourse --- try your state's hour and wage department.
Then again, if you are in an at-will employment state, you're chuck outta luck.
I cant figure out what you're so upset over--- and yes, the PP is right -- it has only been a month. Find something to do that you can do as a couple and as a 'single" --- there has to be something available locally that's of interest to you, to him and to the both of you as a couple.
One more thing:
You and he should have discussed working for his mother at length before he agreed to work for her; you are a couple and the decision will affect you both.
He also has hated working for the family biz! Why did he even consider taking the job if he hated it?? There had to be some other company he could have worked for, no?
You said you and he had no savings. How god-awful was the pay? For that alone, he needed to find another job; there's now also a kiddo in the picture.
His mother sounds like a real prize. You take your son and you boot him simply because you want to come out of "retirement'? What a lousy thing to do.
Get counseling also because it looks like you and he do not know how to discuss things as a couple and make decisions together. I said it earlier on: you and he needed to discuss it at length as far as working for his mother went ---- if the pay was awful and not enough to support 2 other people with and also if there is no chance you and he can put away some of that salary into savings? Then i say that job is not a go.
To satisfy your curiosity:
-we did live in at will state
- we were both paid legally on the books.
- he has worked there since he was old enough to work (teens), took over as manager right before we got married and she retired. We discussed it all at great length always. Saw continuing a respected business as an investment in our future.
- her decision was irrational, fear of losing control, an unhealthy relationship with money, and lack of direction in retirement are the main reasons in my options.
- our relationship with her is very damaged. Must H feels like he's lost his mother (father died right after our wedding, so he's feeling alone)
- substantial equity in our house, an offer of living for way below market rent in a family friends apt in Boston, combined with MUCH better professional opportunities, support from my family and better schools for our son made the decision clear.
We both know it was the right choice, I was just looking for advice to ease the process. I know now I need to be more patient, my H should seek counseling for the wounds from this whole experience and hopefully with time and a routine things will get better.
In the past 8 years, DH and I have lived in CO, KY, IA and now, MN. I know how you two feel about this big change. Moving is a huge ordeal. Then, top it off with moving away from his family AND from the Deep South to the North East Coast. Yeah. That's some "culture" shock. I feel for you two.
I am also a SAH parent so here are some tips I have for a SAH parent just having moved to a new place.
1. When the weather permits, get out of the house and walk or drive with no particular destination in mind. Making yourself familiar with routes and roads makes you feel like you are more a part of your surroundings and community. Since he is a SAHD, bringing LO along will be a good outing too.
2. On weekends or whenever you have some time off work, as a family, try to take a long day somewhere for an activity outside of your general community area. Maybe even do an overnight somewhere. One thing we did when we moved to MN was to find neat communities within 1-2 hours of our home and go there - walk around, eat, shop, museums, etc.. I've found that the busier you are, the less you have to think about the stress of the move.
3. Be aware of weather. Many people are affected by weather and climate on an emotional level. It's possible your DH is feeling yucky having gone from LA to MA - warm to cold. Give him a break here too. This could very well be a seasonal adjustment too. If you and he get the winter blues, find indoor playgrounds, children's museums, or even buy a Little Tikes bounce house on Craigslist. In MN we have a -10 wind chill right now. We have a bounce house in our basement for our kiddos to burn off some energy.
4. Since you are the working parent, your DH is likely going through somewhat of an "identity" shift too. SAH is a big change, I think it can even be a harder change for some men. As his wife and the spouse working outside of the home, I would be sure he gets his own "space" each week to do what he wants for a few hours even if that's sleep, watch TV, or do hobbies separate from you.
5. Speaking of hobbies...what were your DH's hobbies in LA? Figure out a way for him to continue in MA.
6. Lastly, for many people looking to put down roots regular participation in a church or other religious organization helps to build community and friendships. I know when we lived in CO for awhile, we felt awful until we got involved in a church there. I realize church isn't something everyone desires, but my overall point is that these sorts of organizations tend to help people build up "feel good" emotions.
@TarponMonoxide your comments are completely out of line, she is simply asking for advice on how to ease the pain of the move to a new city and help her husband deal with the pain of a strained relationship with his mother. It is none of your business if they worked on/off the books or any of the other nasty things you said. I don't understand why some people on this board find it necessary to be rude and demeaning to others. We are all here looking for advice on our situations, if we wanted to argue then we would just argue with the people involved in the situations and not here on the board.
My husband and I moved to a different state about a year ago, it was his decision so that we could be closer to my family (he loves my parents and missed them), the only thing is he is very close with his family and would visit them everyday since we lived close to them where we used to live (NY). After a year, he is now bored and misses his family terribly. I work, he doesn't because he is retired. What we decided to do now is, I got him into a hobby of making small wooden furniture pieces that he can sell on ebay or craigslist and this will keep him busy and on weekends we go explore the surrounding areas and have made numerous friends at church so we visit with them on weekends as well.
I hope you're still on here, OP, and that things have gotten better.
Although I'm not a native like your DH, I've been living in NOLA for the last 15 years and have seen first hand the almost crazy attachment people who grew up here have to this place. I mean "crazy" as in unusual, not as a negative term. I have talked to so many people who are successful and confident. But even mention taking a plane ride to somewhere else or drive a few states away...even just for a vacation...and this look of fear comes into their eyes. Still don't understand what that is about, but I can imagine why the move was especially difficult for him. There is just so little movement out by the "born and bred".
Quick funny story. When I first moved to NOLA, I was used to CA where if you asked someone where they were from they'd say, "San Diego" or "LA"...which typically meant they were from that city's geographic area and/or county....but not necessarily that SPECIFIC city. So I come here and ask people questions like, "Have you always lived in New Orleans?" or "Do like living in New Orleans?" Meaning, the general NOLA area. And would get responses like, "Oh no! I grew up in Metairie" or, "Oh no! I actually live in Gretna." I quickly learned to change my phrasing to "the New Orleans area" instead of "New Orleans", because here it was just the opposite and people took the actual city name literally.
As for me, although I've never lived on the East Coast, I am originally from the West Coast and New Orleans is a city and a culture all her own...even within the Deep South. It must be a huge culture shock to go to Boston. I always joke that I moved to New Orleans from CA because it is experiencing the adventure of living in a foreign country, just without all the pesky red tape.
As an aside, kudos to you all on the house timing! I am very familiar with the housing market here and WOW. I realize it wasn't on purpose, but at least you all had that going for you and didn't have to sell at a loss...which is what almost always happens when selling a house after owning it for under 5 years.
But 2009-2010, when you bought, was the bottom of the market. I bought my house mid 2011 and it was still near the bottom of the market, but just starting to rise. Things did a 180 quick and by early 2013 houses were selling like hotcakes. I did an appraisal for a HELOC almost exactly three years after I bought my house (mid 2014) and was shocked to discover it has more than doubled in value in that short time. Definitely rare market conditions! And at least you didn't have the additional hurdle of having to bring money to the closing table.