Buying A Home
ELAM8912
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Controlling mother won't let me move
Hi,
I'm just after a bit of advice. My long term boyfriend and I bought a home in August. He moved in and I'm still living with my parents. My mother won't let me move out. When I discussed the house first she asked why she hadn't been asked to view the house and that I am moving too far. I am only 20 miles away. The discussion has never been bought up again and I don't know what to do. I feel so depressed and lonely.
Thanks
Re: Controlling mother won't let me move
Pack up your personal items and leave. I don't understand what you mean by she "won't let you"....
If you want to be an adult, you have to act like an adult.
Sorry, Mom, I am going to live with BF. I still love you, but this is MY life to live.
(It was not your mom's money that bought the house I presume.
Take care of your own finances and do not depend on your mom for money nor approval and you will be fine. Time to grow up. You do NOT need her permission, but you will have to deal with the fallout of your choices.
IF you cannot bring yourself to move out - see a counselor - you need help.
She wants to keep you around, whether it be for your financial contribution or companionship. She will do whatever it takes to keep her control over you.
Put an end to it.
I had/have a similar situation with my mother in the fact that I'm an only child and she had a dependency on me since I was the only person in her life. I stopped talking to her for a month and then tested the waters.... again, had to cut off /really limit contact.
My mom had a hard time recognizing that I, like her, am an adult and my personal life isn't her business. We still struggle sometimes with boundaries, but I put my foot down and it ends there.
At the very least, stand up to her. Whether or not she wants to believe it, you two are equal adults and you deserve respect.
You tell mom what's what, don't sugar coat it. Send "I've Moved!" cards to your family, friends, whomever you want.
Do you have doubts about being with your boyfriend and are using your mom as an excuse to move forward with living with him?
Just from a financial perspective, that sounds terrible to have (I assume) saved for a down payment for a house and contribute to the mortgage payments, yet aren't living there. And, on TOP of all that, are also paying rent to your mom.
Please, please. Do whatever you can to improve your self esteem and confidence. There is no reason for a 24-year-old to still be living at home if she doesn't want to be.
Reread all your posts here and substitute the word "boyfriend or husband" for "mother". Doesn't it sound like a classic example of an emotional abuser?
If it is too hard for you to have a conversation. Then pack your stuff when she isn't home, write a letter explaining you are moving to your house, and leave before she gets back. She can't get upset and talk you out of it if you aren't there to talk to.
Have your boyfriend and anyone else who can help come and help you move stuff out. Your mom may yell, say all kinds of awful things to you while you do this. IGNORE her when she acts this way. Do NOT respond to her taunts. Tell her you will talk ONLY when she treats you with the respect you deserve. Repeat as often as needed. GO - just GO.
IF you cannot do this --- you need to schedule and appointment with a counselor ASAP!
I've also read these books recently and they helped:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mothers-Who-Cant-Love-Daughters/dp/006220436X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1423532075&sr=8-1&keywords=mother+who+can't+love (mother's who can't love daughters)
http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Emotionally-Absent-Mother-Self-Healing/dp/1615190287/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_z (The Emotionally Absent mother)
I'm also debating this one: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_y (Will I ever be good enough?)
You absolutely need to get some distance (and you even have a place to go). And stop giving her money.
You need to allow yourself to heal and to feel hurt.
IT'S DEFINITELY HER! It's so not you. It's really not. I CANNOT STRESS THAT ENOUGH.
Being able to give birth to someone does not make them the sainted mother-figure.
Finally, once you've done a bit of reading or counselling (or both), you can start to grieve the childhood that you didn't get. And start building a new life.
It's not easy, but it is possible.
All the very best luck x
IF you do not change how YOU are handling this situation - NOTHING with change.
Make that appointment with a counselor/therapist NOW!
Not to be harsh, but you need to start looking at this situation like you are an abused woman. Call an abuse hotline for guidance on how you can best remove yourself from an abusive situation and then follow their advice. I realize your mother is not physically abusive, but she is emotionally abusive and crippling you mentally. From an emotional aspect, your situation is almost exactly the same as an abuse victim. I think speaking to a professional who deals with how victims can safely leave will give you a lot of insight and hopefully the courage to just GO.
Most of us have given you the same advice. Don't even talk to her about it at all. It doesn't seem like you are strong enough for that, at least not yet.
You said she works two days/week? Then on her next workday, have everything arranged ahead of time. Have a moving van rented and ready to go. Take the day off work. Have b/f take the day off work. The minute she leaves the house...go get that moving van, fill it up as fast as you can (most important items first), and keep making trips until its close to the time she will be home. Don't be there when she comes home. Just leave a note. She can't argue with and browbeat a piece of paper.
Couldn't get all your items moved? Leave them. They're not important. YOU'RE important. If I was in this situation, I would walk out with just my purse and the clothes on my back if that is all I could do.
Do you realize you are currently choosing your narcissistic mother who makes you miserable over both yourself AND your b/f? And for what? Because you don't want to upset her or deal with her being mean to you. It's going to be difficult and terrible no matter when or how you do it. She's going to be a horrible person, maybe disown you, no matter when or how you do it. So just get it over with. Time only makes things worse.
I will repeat my advice - see a counselor/therapist. They will help you rebuild your self esteem and move forward in your life. However, YOU MUST be willing to do the hard work that needs to be done.
Sometimes in life we do not get the options we want from which to choose, and must deal with a situation we would rather ignore. Wishing we had other choices is just not an option.
Just how important is it that you move forward with your boyfriend? Looks like not important enough to make an appointment with a therapist.
(You mom does not need you are seeing a therapist - unless you tell her -- so don't tell her. Just do it!)