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Bridezilla Sister and the wedding from hell
I'm sorry, I'm more lurker than poster, but I need to vent here for a minute because if it got back around to me it would cause such an issue.
My little sister has always been a bit of a drama queen with a victim complex, and we've all catered to it because if we don't she just gets more dramatic and its just not worth the hassle. She's the free spirit, hippy, not-a-planner type.
When it came to her wedding, the not-a-planner thing became everyone else's issue too.
H and I flew cross country to her wedding, rented a place for four days so we could make it to the rehearsal and the brunch the day after. She received 20K from our parents as an engagement gift, intended for the wedding but my parents are clear we can use it for whatever we want. She bought a car and upgraded her ring with it, leaving approximately $7K. She decided to invite 150 people, for a 6:00 wedding on a Saturday night. She saves money by buying a used dress that was really pretty and well priced, but a full six sizes too big and by having my mother and I do her and her bridesmaids hair and makeup.
So we take a red eye over, sleep a few hours, and head an hour away to the rehearsal (very pretty location but very remote). Only there is no rehearsal. Its her and some wedding party members standing in a field drinking beers. No one discusses where the ceremony will take place or what the order of the procession is or where we should gather and walk from. Weird, and annoying for having to come out so far, but whatever. Rehearsal dinner of beer and burgers (NOT complaining about that!) follows.
Morning of the wedding I get up early, eat, and get showered and ready. Husband and father take the decorations to the venue to hang them and set up the décor. Sister lives a city over and the bridal party has no place to get ready so they use the rental house I'm sharing with my parents and H. There's only one bathroom so I want to be free and clear of it by the time everyone gets in at noon. At least they're bringing sandwiches and salads over for lunch then, as there's not much food at the rental house.
At 1:30 they still haven't arrived, so I send a text. The response was something like "Things are really busy and we're stressed, please don't stress me out more". Oooook.
3:00 they finally arrive, all eight of them at once, but no food. They ate before apparently, but I hadn't since I had been waiting for them. No time now since hair and makeup needs to get going ASAP, we were supposed to be heading to the venue by now. But wait- picture time! And dramatic one-by-one bridesmaid gift opening! Oh and they forgot to get water and soda for the wedding so H and my dad need to go to Cosco right now and get several cases of both. She'll write them a check for it later.
We finally get moving on hair and makeup, but at this point Sis is stressed and showing it. Her dress doesn't fit well in the top because (surprise!) The used one she bought online was too big to alter, which she found out two weeks before the wedding. My parents lent her an additional $1,200 for a new dress off the rack and some minor alterations, but there was only so much they could do given the time. She's ordering me back and forth doing her friends makeup and giving weird directions ("Make Sarah's eye pop! Sarah has great eyes!" "Use more blush on Jen she didn't sleep last night") Every time our mother or I ask her a question she snaps at us, so we just quietly do our work like unpaid hired help.
We rush through and get to the venue by 7:00, although the ceremony was supposed to start at 6:00. No rehearsal remember? So she snaps some more, irritated that we don't know where how we're supposed to stand or where we're supposed to go. Once we get that settled the ceremony goes well.
Now it's time for pictures so we're gathering people and heading off and figuring out who needs to be in what. It takes awhile, and I'm HUNGRY at this point because I haven't eaten in 12 hours. Finally we finish around 8:00 and I can go grab a plate from the buffet dinner she's having. There was no cocktail hour so I didn't even have a chance to send H off to get a little plate to tide me over. HUNGRY!
I actually cried when I saw the buffet and my sweet husband had to take me on a little walk around the venue property to calm down. There was three types of BBQ (which I'm allergic to), coleslaw, and dry rolls. That's it. I knew she was having a BBQ wedding buffet but I was counting on salad, mac and cheese, potatoes etc to fill my plate. I'm so stressed after being screamed at all day and then not eating, and now I'm in the middle of nowhere with no food. I admit I started to tear up from the sheer stress of the day, and I'm a crier so I had to go calm myself down before I cause a scene (eeerr "It's just so beautiful to see sister married!!")
I get back and fix a plate of coleslaw and rolls. Grab a bottle of water. Share a cup of beer from the keg with H because sis planned on one glass per guest and they ran out by the time we got back. H went to the car and found a plastic cup and some pretzels for me. My mom was upset because her best friend who had also flown cross country for this, and who has celiac disease, couldn't eat anything (there wasn't even a green salad) or drink anything besides water because there was just a few kegs of beer. I knew a cousin who had some wine from a vineyard trip in her car so I begged a bottle off her and found a glass for mom's friend. She was thankful. Mom was embarrassed by the whole thing, and not really happy that this is what her $20,000 had gone towards. We bit our tongues though.
H and I left early so we could stop by a diner on the way back and get a real dinner. Said goodbye to a distracted sister. Missed brunch the next day because H was sick all night (BBQ maybe? I didn't have any and felt fine). Truth be told I needed a break and didn't mind missing it.
The next contact I get from sis, a week later? "Thank you and H for helping out with our wedding! Couldn't have done it without you!"?
Nope.
"My makeup brush is missing. Did you take it?"
"You're welcome sweet sister. Glad we could help?"
(Sorry for the novel, I did say I had to vent! Now when people ask about the wedding I can smile and nod and say it was just great! Thanks!)
Re: Bridezilla Sister and the wedding from hell
Lots of this is poor planning and poor timing. Nothing you can do.
I think you are better off distancing yourself from your sister. Don't enable her anymore -- and I was right: your parents are pushovers for her. Gave her -- no, lent her (they will never see that money) more cash to buy a gown that fit???
If I was her mother, I'd have said "You got your share of money from us. Live with it" and let her learn a hard lesson and fall right on her ass while she's at it.
The 2 bigger issues:
She isn't working as a team with her FI
Your parents coddled her and enabled her.
I also see no mention of her FI/H in here at all. Bet you he's a real prize who lets her walk all over him.
I would have been crying, too, after going that long without eating. I gotta ask, though, why your mom didn't step in to at least make sure the reception buffet was adequate for the needs of the guests. Would have saved a LOT of embarrassment to have simply taken charge.
Just wanted to say thanks for the support, it feels good to vent.
For what it's worth, my parents aren't total pushovers. It was just at a point where she needed a dress and non-alcoholic beverages for the wedding to happen so they felt they were between a rock and a hard place. She's supposedly selling both her dresses now to pay back my parents, and if she doesn't you can bet she's getting no birthday or Christmas money (we all get a set amount) until its paid out. My parents tend to keep any negative things private, so if they speak to her I'll never know. I think we're all just happy its over!!
I don't know if we have any arm chair psychiatrists in the house, but there's something really wrong with my sister. She has false memories, almost always of her being victimized by females and rescued by males. She had the school call CPS on my mother once because she came into class crying the my mother had jacked her up against a wall by her throat that morning. I was there. My mom yelled at her because she wouldn't take a basket of laundry to her room before school. End of story. She's accused me of horrible things as well so I've really just written her off and try to avoid her as much as possible. Thankfully she's on the other side of the country so I usually only see her once every other year on Christmas.
I love my parents. They're older and worked hard raising us (and we were not easy) and I don't want to cause them any undue stress so I remain as civil as I can when we get together (hence I can't vent to them about how much I dislike my sister). I don't see myself having much of a connection to her when they pass though, she's too much of a loose cannon.
@TarponMonoxide I was trying to not be totally negative about her planning, because I think at this point with her I'm very much in the "Look at this b*tch eating crackers like she owns the place!" stage of dislike. Obviously I failed.
The dress was far too big and while it had a lovely lace back I knew right away there was no way she'd be able to get it taken in from something like a street size 14 to and 8 without costing more money than she'd save buying used. But she didn't want to listen and buy a dress closer to her size. Or take it to a tailor right away to see what her options were. I know this is not really part of her rudeness to me so I tried to leave it out, but just another example of poor planning.
I'm just annoyed that she "saved" money by buying a used dress, using my mother and I for hair and makeup (told, not asked us, mind you), and majorly skimping on food and beverage, not to mention glassware and flatware, instead of inviting fewer people, having it on a different day/time (Saturday night July 4th was NOT cheap), and skipping the elaborate pinterest decorations that H and my dad (and I think her fiancé too) put up. A photobooth full of props and 60 parasols hanging upside down from the ceiling < adequate food selections.
I honestly try not to be so judgmental because everyone has different priorities. My parents are clear that once they give us that money is it ours to do what we want with, but its also all they will give towards the wedding. If she needed to buy a car (hers broke down) and really wanted to upgrade the ring (my grandmother's that my parents gave her fiancé- no diamond just a clear crystal center stone) then that's her business, but then you can't have a 150 person Saturday night rager. It's frustrating that H and I had to be dragged into that mess and spend our vacation time and money this year doing so. If it weren't to ease my parents' burden I would have happily skipped the whole thing.
@R.Wilsonny I honestly don't know her husband too well, I've only met him a handful of times in the four years they've been dating due to the distance and me not being very close with my sister. He seems very nice but very passive and laid back. I know his family does not have much money, they couldn't contribute to their wedding financially though they did host the rehearsal dinner at a somewhat nearby little bar. I actually felt bad that they kept apologizing like they were embarrassed it was only burgers/sandwiches/salad and pitchers of beer - I was more than happy with that! Maybe he felt like since it was her parents who gave the $20,000 it was hers to spend? I think that's a terrible way to start a marriage where things are supposed to be equal. She's the main bread winner, though they don't make much, so I hope she doesn't continue to carry that attitude. I'm just going to keep out of it though; maybe that's what works for them. As long as they keep me out of it!
I ended up having a decent sized wedding, about 100 people, with my parents and MIL's money. It was a Sunday afternoon luncheon though so we were able to keep costs down between that and DIY. I'm the only child on the east coast and H is an only child and we could tell that our parents would like us to have a wedding they could invite their friends and family to. It was their money really so it seemed a fair way to spend it.
I'm really not judging anyone who has a casual backyard wedding or elopes or a giant ballroom gala - just make sure you host your guests properly!
@Disneygeek77 I think she somehow actually remembers these things happening? Can a memory get warped in that short period of time? Is that a thing? Whatever it is its disturbing and one of the reasons I just let her be crazy and don't try to reason with her (which to be fair to @tarponmonoxide may be enabling her behavior more). She already told a few of our cousins last Christmas how I used to brutally beat her as a child with "murder in my eyes" until my dad or brother pulled me off of her. And then called me a sociopath when I denied it. It was terribly awkward for everyone there.
I think we're all a little scared of her crazy and me being the more reasonable one has had to bite the bullet a few times for my parents sake.
Edit: To be clear she's not ALWAYS crazy (although she's always self centered) but when she does say something "off" its REALLY off.
I absolutely think it can. I've seen it with friends on occasion, who tell a "woe is me" story. Except I was there for the actual event and their version of it is false. Yet, I can tell they absolutely believe what they are saying.
Sorry to hear about this disaster of a wedding! Yikes! The rule on alterations is dresses can usually be taken out no more than one size and can be taken in no more than two sizes. Anything more changes the structure of the dress and it has to be completely taken apart. Sorry your sis didn't listen to you on this pretty obvious point.
It's sad, but it's like some people out there purposely make their lives more difficult than they need to be.
She also could have taken a photo of the dress to a local seamstress and I'll bet the seamstress could have made that dress to order for a lot less than what she paid for it. Then again, if she spent maybe $250 and had a local tailor do the alts, it would have been more cost effective.
$36K...for a ring!?! Argh! I doubt I'd spend that on a ring even if I had beau coup money. But that is even crazier if their scrimping to come up with it. Yikes.
One of my coworkers bought his FI an engagement ring not too long ago. It is stunning and gorgeous, with a 1.5 carat center stone and a bunch of diamonds along the band. For $10K. I mean, I know diamonds get exponentially more expensive the larger they are, but still!
Actually it was another ring... they took back the first one and she got a bigger one the second time. The first one wasn't flashy enough I guess.
So she more or less bought another ring with gift money?
This is all kinds of wrong, if you ask me. He did not buy the ring as a "upgrade" or whatever it is, she went against his wishes and more or less insulted him and the ring that he gave her...or maybe he took the greedy opportunity to go a head and let the little lady do what she wanted to do.
@catmiss9 I think weddings just bring to light people's priorities. I know a couple with very little money to spend on their wedding who had it at a local park on a Sunday afternoon with lemonade and sodas and water and a few local food trucks for lunch and ice creams. They had umbrellas set up for shade and Frisbees and lawn games set up and took time to thank each person very genuinely for being there. It must have cost $3,000 at most and it was one of the favorite weddings I have gone to because they were such good hosts.