I am judging hard

Frugalmama2009

A high school friend and I reconnected on Facebook about 8 years ago. We live in different provinces now, but she came to visit a few years ago. That visit made me realize I do not want to reconnect. So many reasons lol. So I have learned through Facebook, and her emails and that visit, that she and her husband have been living in her parents basement for 7 years. They bought a house last year, but lasted 6 months and didn't pay a single mortgage payment. Now they are back with their 3 kids in her parents basement again. Here is the part I judge, they vacation not less than 6 times a year. She does cross border shopping trips once a month as well. She posts pictures of her mini van stuffed full of shopping bags and told me she averages 1000 a trip in clothing, etc. they do a Hawaii couples trip once a year, a family one, then she needs to get to Vegas every few months. Right now she took a month off work and is travelling around California. By herself. Like Disney, Malibu, etc. so odd right? She is my age, 38. No assets at all, and what I'm guessing is a serious shopping/vacation addiction. I can't wrap my brain around why one would live like this?

Frugalmama2009

Oh and I will add her parents get fed up and kick them all out, but take them back after they spend a few nights away. I'm guessing because of the grandkids. What they spend just on Hawaii a year would be equal to rent in her province, even a small mortgage.

bmo88

Well, home ownership is a huge responsibility and it isn't for everyone. I wouldn't find the behavior that odd if they could afford it and we're financially independent, but living in their parents basement doesn't seem to be financially responsible. I don't know why the parents would enable the behavior, but that's their decision.

It's definitely a weird set up though.

als1982

I would side eye this too.

If their parents are pushovers now, I'm guessing they also were when raising their kid(s) and thus likely a root cause of this behavior. They need to grow a backbone. IMO a little tough love is best for everyone in this situation.

It's sad that bad parenting is spanning multiple generations here, and your classmates kids are growing up seeing negative behavior like this from their parents and grandparents.

hoffse

Yep, sounds like a spending addiction to me too.  I've never heard of a vacation addiction, but I can see how that might be a thing.

I understand the urge to vacation multiple times per year, but obviously that can get cost-prohibitive... and eventually it stops being special if it's something you do all the time.

Voluntarily giving up their mortgage makes me angry.  So many people blame banks for all of the world's financial problems, but then you have people like this who just stop paying and don't seem to care.  It's going to cost the bank a lot of money to foreclose on the house and then re-sell it.  And every time that happens, costs go up for responsible borrowers.

Erikan73

As long as her parents enable her, they will continue. It's hard as a person who struggles to live within their means while paying down debts when you see someone who is being financially irresponsible. You just want to go shake them and say wake up, this isn't the way to live. I would love to go on numerous vacations too, but the reality is, we can't afford it. We get one weekend away a year, that's it. In a few years, we will be in a better position financially and we will be able to do more, in the mean time, staycations are our things. We go to places we normally wouldn't go to in our area and go to eat at new places too. But the money we save on hotel & dog sitter is huge. It's not wrong to no longer want to be friend with her.

Xstatic3333

I'd judge that a bit too, and definitely wouldn't pursue a friendship. I wonder if their might be psychological issues at play there in addition to the enabling coming from the parents. That seems like a pretty intense lack of impulse control.

Frugalmama2009

It's just so over the top! Like one day she said she found the cheapest available daycare for her kids, a lady who was on social assistance and would park the kids in front of the tv all day for 50 bucks a week. Then she goes on a month long Disney trip by herself? Great priorities. I think mental illness must be at play there.

blondie42107

We have a family member who has had TWO voluntary foreclosures... TWO! They've owned a total of 4 homes. Basically walked away from their second house just after securing the third house, then 8 years later walked away from that house just after securing their current (fourth) house. It frustrates me because they still manage 2-3 big vacations a year.

als1982

blondie42107 said:

We have a family member who has had TWO voluntary foreclosures... TWO! They've owned a total of 4 homes. Basically walked away from their second house just after securing the third house, then 8 years later walked away from that house just after securing their current (fourth) house. It frustrates me because they still manage 2-3 big vacations a year.

This sort of thing makes me stabby. My BIL hasn't paid a dime on his student loans and has zero intention of ever paying them. People like this don't get that they're not really sticking it to the man (which is what he thinks/wants), they're just screwing the rest of us. The pure selfishness is sickening.

brij2006

It's frustrating when you know people like that, and I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to be friends.  It's hard, because you don't want to judge them for their finances.  However, it makes things hard to discuss with them, because it's always in the back of us MM minds.

FIL is similar to this.  He's filed bankruptcy 3 times in his lifetime (once single, once while married to MIL, and another time while married to SMIL), has received a $180k inheritance that he blew.  Yet doesn't put any money away for retirement (swears he won't live that long, and if he does his kids will take care of him), has payments on $50k worth of cars (while making $45k), his wife is on disability, and they just financed a fancy $20k camper.  Oh, and they have a $15k Harley with a $8k camper/trailer for it that is broken and he says he can't afford to fix it. 

Little does he know, the day he walked into our house 2 weeks ago to let us know about buying his camper, was the day we were discussing how to split up our money among our parents if we were to pass away.  We live very strict Dave Ramsey lifestyle, so his behavior is very very far from that, and DR recommends you do not gift people like that any of your hard earned money.  Him walking into our house that day and bragging about his $20,000 financed camper, resulted in him only receiving 5% of our money if we were to pass.  What he doesn't know, is this $20k purchase cost him receiving $260k in inheritance from us.  

It's soooo hard to not judge in situations like this.  We have a hard time having conversations with FIL, because he's always saying "well I work hard so I deserve this."  We find ourselves biting our tongues very often.  It's horrible that peoples' financial ignorance can lead you to befriending them, but it's hard to have conversations with someone like that.

short+sassy

I'm scratching my head over why the OP's friend bought a house in the first place.  I mean, if you're not going to pay the mortgage anyway, why buy the house and spend all that time and money on closing.

And they live that lifestyle because they can.  Because her parents allow it.  The parents should have been charging them something for rent and bills years ago.  Force them to become "somewhat" adults.

It is disgusting to see grown adults who act like everyone else is just there to take care of them.

My favorite I unfortunately see all the time...women in line in front of me at the grocery store with a $600 Coach bag, talking on the latest IPhone, and then pay for their groceries with a WIC card (food stamps).  Argh!

vlagrl29

I judge hard on that too.  DH did a photoshoot for a landscaping company last week where a house that is in the $350k price range added $250k of landscaping in their back year.  The company thought it was probably an inheritance.  We were talking about all the things we would do instead like buy new cars, plump up the e fund, small trip to hawaii, put a portion in retirement, money market acct.

short+sassy

vlagrl29 said:

I judge hard on that too.  DH did a photoshoot for a landscaping company last week where a house that is in the $350k price range added $250k of landscaping in their back year.  The company thought it was probably an inheritance.  We were talking about all the things we would do instead like buy new cars, plump up the e fund, small trip to hawaii, put a portion in retirement, money market acct.

What!?!  I cannot even imagine.  I could buy two houses with that money, lol.

brij2006

vlagrl29 said:

I judge hard on that too.  DH did a photoshoot for a landscaping company last week where a house that is in the $350k price range added $250k of landscaping in their back year.  The company thought it was probably an inheritance.  We were talking about all the things we would do instead like buy new cars, plump up the e fund, small trip to hawaii, put a portion in retirement, money market acct.

And here I am sqwaking at spending $3,000 on a yard shed for our backyard.

hoffse

vlagrl29 said:

I judge hard on that too.  DH did a photoshoot for a landscaping company last week where a house that is in the $350k price range added $250k of landscaping in their back year.  The company thought it was probably an inheritance.  We were talking about all the things we would do instead like buy new cars, plump up the e fund, small trip to hawaii, put a portion in retirement, money market acct.

I really hope it was like a super authentic Japanese garden or something...

One of my inlaws' neighbors has been spending what must be a fortune on landscaping.  They've literally spent years getting this huge yard terraced with multiple levels, nice stone retaining walls, etc.

They finally put in the actual plants a few months ago, and they chose these dinky little bushes that I really hope grow to be more impressive than they look right now.  I mean, all the terracing had to cost $100K.  And then you do something really boring/tiny for the actual plants?

This reminds of that Property Brothers episode where this couple made their own "oasis" in their back yard.  They spent like $10K on patio furniture and then several thousand dollars more planting full-sized palm trees.   I remember thinking, "Really?  Thousands of dollars on palm trees?"

formerlyGDaisy09

people do crazy things. I wish some people would have more of a sense of property value when they make choices like putting in expensive landscaping. though as I was discussing with our electrician last week, different decisions may be more or less crazy depending on if you're in your forever home or not, if resale isn't part of the plan and it makes you happy (and you have the money), go for it. 

My ILs are some of them, but sort of in the opposite way. they're some of the most "stuff" obsessed people I know...but they don't care at all about quality, just feeling like they got a deal. literally everything they have is junk. they bought a 100+ year old house that is falling apart and they can't sell, MIL spends weekends loading her car up at thrift stores, thinking she's buying antiques, really she's buying worthlest pieces of old stuff (most broken in some way). they're always short on cash, but eat out all the time, and always bring little gifts (again all cheap stuff). 

some of the things they do actually cause them harm, their house I'm certain is full of mold (MIL has tons of health problems, now they've moved south and SIL lives there with her kids and they all have asthma problems). MIL buys all her clothes from thrift stores, nothing wrong with that per-say, but none of the shoes that she finds have any kind of decent support for her feet (think like 20+ year old KEDs), and then she has tons of issues with her feet she has to see a podiatrist for. 

I'm 95% sure most gifts they give our baby will go straight in the trash, from what I've seen her give my nieces and nephews most things are used, made in china, and generally age inappropriate (teeny-tiny parts for an 18 month old), most the time I really wish they'd just hold onto their money. 

vlagrl29

brij2006 said:

vlagrl29 said:

I judge hard on that too.  DH did a photoshoot for a landscaping company last week where a house that is in the $350k price range added $250k of landscaping in their back year.  The company thought it was probably an inheritance.  We were talking about all the things we would do instead like buy new cars, plump up the e fund, small trip to hawaii, put a portion in retirement, money market acct.

And here I am sqwaking at spending $3,000 on a yard shed for our backyard.

lol and we are spending $1200 on someone painting the exterior of our house and a possible car repair for DH which I'm done taking money out of savings for his car.  Its almost time to get him a new one.

DH said it was really amazing.  I haven't seen photos yet, but it also included a pool spa and 2 grills. Also a lazy river.  It may be their forever home, but if not they won't get back the money they have put into it because people that would have that kind of back yard would be spending half a million in our area for that kind of house.

jessica490

brij2006 said:

vlagrl29 said:

I judge hard on that too.  DH did a photoshoot for a landscaping company last week where a house that is in the $350k price range added $250k of landscaping in their back year.  The company thought it was probably an inheritance.  We were talking about all the things we would do instead like buy new cars, plump up the e fund, small trip to hawaii, put a portion in retirement, money market acct.

And here I am sqwaking at spending $3,000 on a yard shed for our backyard.

We just paid $3400 for shed for us so don't feel so bad, but this thing is beautiful!

brij2006

jessica490 said:

brij2006 said:

vlagrl29 said:

I judge hard on that too.  DH did a photoshoot for a landscaping company last week where a house that is in the $350k price range added $250k of landscaping in their back year.  The company thought it was probably an inheritance.  We were talking about all the things we would do instead like buy new cars, plump up the e fund, small trip to hawaii, put a portion in retirement, money market acct.

And here I am sqwaking at spending $3,000 on a yard shed for our backyard.

We just paid $3400 for shed for us so don't feel so bad, but this thing is beautiful!

This is something we had the cement poured for and plans drawn, 2 years ago.  I can not wait to get the gardening and yard stuff out of our garage, and be able to organize everything.

jessica490

brij2006 said:

jessica490 said:

brij2006 said:

vlagrl29 said:

I judge hard on that too.  DH did a photoshoot for a landscaping company last week where a house that is in the $350k price range added $250k of landscaping in their back year.  The company thought it was probably an inheritance.  We were talking about all the things we would do instead like buy new cars, plump up the e fund, small trip to hawaii, put a portion in retirement, money market acct.

And here I am sqwaking at spending $3,000 on a yard shed for our backyard.

We just paid $3400 for shed for us so don't feel so bad, but this thing is beautiful!

This is something we had the cement poured for and plans drawn, 2 years ago.  I can not wait to get the gardening and yard stuff out of our garage, and be able to organize everything.

Oh wow! Long time coming then. We only have a 1 car garage, so we definitely need the extra storage...we hope to add on a second garage in the next few years....a must for New England