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I've hit my limit.
Well, ladies. I don't know what else one woman can do. Yesterday, I found out the Joe has an e-mail acct. that I knew nothing about. I thought this was odd. Why would I not know about his email acct? Not to mention he has 3 others I can think of off the top of my head so why does he need another one?
Well, so that he can sign up and pay for porn, and passion.com of course. He has accounts at passion.com where he describes himself as an ex-military man looking for some web fun. He's never been in the military. He declined to state his marital status as well. Big surprise. His user name you ask? Rydemyshaft. Yeah. Nice. He's paid for porn on numberous sites, with who's money? Mine. I asked him about a charge on our account in Nov/Dec. (Epoch.com) he said it was something for his hockey forum, I said, oh okay. No, I found proof in his email account that stated the charge was for a porn site.
Now, I don't go through his things. I don't like to do it. But he purposely kept this e-mail address from me and now that he's jobless again he's resumed his staying up all night, never sleeping with me, and it's officially been one year since we've had sex. Now, when he had a job he rarely went to bed with me, but he also rarely stayed up until 9am-10am, it was more like 2am-3am. Not anymore.
Now, I've stuck through all the bullshit, listened to all the excuses that he calls reasons and dealt with my husband not wanting to sleep with me sexually or otherwise for a year now. I can't do it anymore. I have too much going for me, too much life to live and too much hurt in my heart.
Tonight, I'm staying at my friend's house in Logan because it's her daughter's 16th birthday party so I'm helping with all the girls. I plan to let Joe know that I know what's he's been up to tonight before I leave, then I will go to her house and plan what I will do from there. My sister has opened up her house to me, hopefully I can stay there, then go to VA in a few weeks.
Wish me luck.
Re: I've hit my limit.
Something doesn't sit well with me about telling him and then leaving him to his ways (spending your money online).
Any ideas on how to safeguard your accounts? Pack up valuables that he could take or hoard?
Sweetie you are such an amazing person. Don't let someone like him bring you down. You deserve so much better. I think it's time for you to decide what you want to do. No one should treat you the way he has. If you ever need anything, please let me know.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I wish you the best! You are doing the right thing!
I know it's a rough thing to do, but it will only make you stronger in the long run. You have to do what is right for YOU.
Go to the party this weekend and tell him afterwards, that way at least you don't have to worry about what he might be trying to do. Of course, safeguard your money today though.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this situation, but you don't need that kind of poison in your life. You are worth so much more and while it is hard now, it will get better! Right now you need to focus on what is best for you. You have spent a lot of time and energy focusing on what is best for your relationship and trying to make it work, but it won't work unless you both want it to work and you've done all you can do...now it's time for YOU!
Rydemyshaft? Wowza. Yeah, I remember when my ex signed up for one of those "find a friend" type websites too. With a credit card I didn't know he had. But...he was just doing "research" for work,,,he's an IT guy and was checking out porn/dating sites that they've tracked employees going to...and of course he could not get into the site without joining...and well what's a guy to do? It was work related, you know.
Is he using a credit card of yours on this porn site? If so call them right now and cancel the card, or at least file a dispute for the charge so that he will not be able to access it further. You don't need to tell him what you know, his cancelled account will speak volumes.
And then you could just take the keyboard and mouse with you when you leave. That'll piss him off.
Then get thyself to an attorney. Your marriage is over, sweetie, and sounds like it has been for months. You deserve far more than to be that man's meal ticket. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be blunt (but anyone who knows me, knows I'm blunt with the best intentions!) but this man has shown you over and over again that he cannot be trusted, and he's allowed you to work yourself into an early grave while he sits at home getting his rocks off on porn sites.
Stop the insanity. You deserve far better than this, and he is not going to give you what you want and need. So stick your chin up and your boobs out and walk out that door with your dignity and your integrity intact because my dear, he cannot take THAT away from you.
I agree with Kristy & Erin- given his lack of respect for you and your finances, it might be risky to tell him you know what he's been up to and then leave. If you haven't already, transfer money from your shared account to a new individual account (I'm guessing from what you've told us about you working multiple jobs that it's mostly money you've been responsible for earning anyway). Maybe tell him you're going over to your sister's because you want to spend some extra time with her before you leave for VA? Then take that time to set up the new accounts and write letters to your landlord or anyone else, set up any other necessary plans, and then tell him you're on to him?
Also, do credit card companies have an option where you can block any new online purchases in the meantime?
Good luck, Heather. I will be praying for you.
oh that is so sad to hear (for you i mean) and disgusting on his part. rydemyshaft???? wtf?!
anyways, PLEASE do what PP mentioned and either cut off his access or take out as much money as you can and open another account with it. take your valuables.
do you have a friend who can be there with you when you tell him? or at least waiting outside? just for backup. you never know.
((((big hugs)))) to you girl. we're all here behind you and support your decision!
DO NOT say a WORD to him that you know what's going on. I wouldn't even go as far as canceling that credit card, but that's me. I would be as sweet as pie around him for the next week or so... however long it took for me to get myself ready. Take some time away from your 4 jobs and think about YOU right now. Talk to an attorney, set up new bank accounts, I'd open up a new credit card in your OWN name so when you close the other one you have credit available. I'd contact my landlord, I'd find another place to live. I'd call the police and let them know that on Friday, I'm going to be leaving my husband and I'd like you there with me to be sure nothing bad happens as I pack my bags and leave (I speak from experience, I've done this). Let your family know what's going on. Have them with you for support if they can be there. This is war sweetie. He started it and you're going to end it, soon. You need to get this taken care of before you go to VA, so don't wait.
And please, if you need help, let us know. I've been in your shoes (not a husband, but ex a$$hole nonetheless) and I'd jump to help if you needed it.
I wish you all the best of luck and I agree with PP's. Close your accounts, CC's, etc.
I'm so sorry it's come to this. But I'm glad you're doing what you need to do to be happy.
I wish you so much luck and much happier 2008! Please keep us informed on your situation, all of us want the best for you and I am so proud of you for leaving! You don't deserve to be treated this way!
I'm so glad that you are ready to get your plans in order. Good Luck!!! Let us know how you are doing!
Ladies, you're all right. I have sat on this for one day and I thought I should let him know I know, even though I'm dreading the conversation. The reason I was going to tell him today before I left was because it would give me an out. He will talk for hours (in circles of course) but I have no way out. But ultimately you're right. We do have a joint account and our own separate accounts as well. I just got paid so I'm putting that check in my personal acct. Our joint has a few hundred in it and I'm going to pay a few bills with it and that will take care of that.
My sister said I can stay there and they already have furniture in the room. I brought most furniture into the marriage, except the couch which I bought with my money but we were married. And of course the t.v. he bought and my Dad had to give us the t.v.'s cost to cover the bank overdraft. So, that will be tricky. My dad wants that t.v. or the money.
The trick in getting my things is that now that he doesn't have a job, he's home ALL the time. When should I get my things? It's not something I can do when he's gone because he rarely leaves. (That I know of.)
This IS hard for me. I love him but I know I deserve better and I was holding out because I didn't want to leave and then think back and wonder if I could have done more. I can't. I've given him everything I can possibly give, to the point that I am exhausted, mentally, physically, etc. I feel a little lost, like I'm back at square one, mainly because I am I suppose. I know that this isn't love and this isn't what a marriage is suppose to be like. I've tried my heart out and that's all I can do.
Thank you for all of your support, it truly means more to me than I can express. Perhaps when this is all said and done we can go out for drinks! I know I'll need a few.
He can only give you as many excuses as you'll let him give. You don't have to allow him to go on for hours trying to validate his behavior. When you're done listening just tell him that you've hit your limit. You don't have to let him finish his schpiel. Just cut him off. Your time is valuable and you don't have to give it to him unless you want to. No excuse necessary. Would you let a suspect go on for hours trying to explain why he's holding a stolen TV or would you just put him in the damn cruiser already?
What's stopping you from taking your stuff while he's in the house? Why does he get to have control over when you can or can't take what belongs to you and leave? Yes, it will be awkward to move your stuff out while he's there but if he never leaves does that mean you never get to move out? You need to take your life back. Accept that your time is valuable and you've given him enough of it. Now is the time that you have to stop allowing him to have control over you. He obviously is a worthless assbag. And you don't want to spend your time on assbaggery now do you?
Besides, you're married so there will be rules about "marital property" and such that I didn't have to deal with in my situation. That's why you need to talk to an attorney before you do much more. They can tell you what your rights are.
Don't wait for him to be gone. It's almost better if he's there. Then he can understand and see for himself how serious you are. Have family with you. If Dad wants his TV, have Dad there with you. I don't know you but I would guess Joe isn't going to tell your Dad he can't have his TV, although he may be able to fight about it later when you file for divorce, but at least for now you'll have it and he won't be able to trash it.
Some of this could be overkill. I don't know Joe and I don't know what he's likely to do. I did what I did because my ex was insane and would have burned, broken, smashed, slashed and tossed anything that I cared about had I left it there. Joe may be more reasonable... I hope so, for your sake.
You've received plenty of good advice.
I just wanted to tell you that I have been thinking about you. I am so glad to hear that you are ready to get out. You deserve so much better. Good luck to you. Keep your head high. It's going to be ok.
I am not all that worried about my things, especially those that we got together, which generally is just the couch. Really, I just want my Dad to get the t.v. or the money for it since it was about 2k. But if it doesn't happen I'll just pay my Dad the money when I can. However, I don't plan on arguing with him about what's mine, his or whatever.
I will see about talking to a lawyer. My sister has been divorced and I will see how she went about it. (I was about 18 when she got divorced and she didn't tell me the nitty gritty.)