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Need advice. DH doesn't want sex. (long)
I've never posted on this board before, so hello! We got married in August 2009, so definitely newlyweds and I've been looking forward to our first Christmas together. To give you a little background, we dated for about a year and a half before getting married and during that time, sex was hot and heavy. We were both very attracted to each other physically and just overall have a great time together. I'm still extremely attracted to my husband and have a great sex drive. However, since we got married it's like something has changed. We rarely have sex these days and I've tried to talk to him about it a few times, just in casual conversation, not in the bedroom. He's been so focused on sports on TV and online betting (he really likes the odds, numbers aspects of it, only wagers $1 to $5 at a time) so any time I've tried coming onto him he just stares straight ahead at the TV or computer. I've talked to him about this before, that I'd like to feel more connected to him, would like to spend more real quality time with him.
Last night we got into an argument and during that argument he suddenly just blurted out that his sex drive is *this big* (fingers pinched together) and that he's not attracted to me at all these days. He said "just BE sexy! You think nibbling on my ears or playing with my b**** is coming on to me? That's a poor excuse for a come on." Noted: I have tried getting his attention in these ways when he's watching TV, no reaction, just keeps staring straight ahead. I have tried this when sports are not on, during commercials, etc. I even used to love watching sports but he just gets to enthralled with it it's like nothing else exists, even me. So I asked him what does being sexy mean to him, like what can I change or do to please him? I really want to get our great sex life back! But honestly, him telling me that he's not attracted to me at all these days hurt the worst. I've always tried to eat right, exercise, and people tell me I'm attractive (I'm 5'8" and 122 pounds, in good physical shape); I've always had good self esteem - until my husband tells me this. I feel crushed. I've definitely not changed anything about myself physically or in the way I dress or behave since we got married. I bought some nice lingerie early on, but have only worn it a couple of times since our sex life is almost non-existent. If I feel like we're not having sex anyway and he's not interested, why would I put those on?
It seems like something about just being married has changed his sex drive or his desire for me and it makes me feel like s***. After the argument he told me he loves me and that every other aspect of our relationship is great - he said he always has fun with me, loves laughing together and how we joke about lots of things, etc, just that he doesn't feel attracted to me sexually at this point because I'm not "sexy". Well excuse me, you knew what you were getting when you married me! Any advise anyone has about this would help. I'm willing to do almost anything to recharge our sex life. Thanks in advance! Sorry it's so long, just needed to vent.
Re: Need advice. DH doesn't want sex. (long)
Your DH sounds like an a$$ and he needs to realize that it's a two way street. I have a feeling that, no matter what you do, he's not going to be happy and is going to try to pin this one on you.
Is he capable of having sex, as in he's not having difficulties with maintaining an erection or premature ejaculation? It sounds like something like that might be up and he's trying to shift the blame onto you.
I would lay it out like this, "DH, I love you and desire you, but what you said to me was incredibly hurtful and I won't tolerate it. We're both responsible for our sex life, it shouldn't all fall to me. I want to have our old sex life back, too, but I'm not going to kill myself trying to please you when you won't even give me the time of day. If you're interested in fixing this, I think that we would benefit from talking to a sex therapist."
If he's not willing to go to counseling, then you have to decide if you want to be married to someone who a) places all of the blame on you and b) isn't interested in facing the problems that you encounter as a couple as a couple. Personally, I wouldn't want to be married to someone like that.
He has:
1.) Psychological issues surrounding marriage and sex. Once the chase is over - yadda yadda yadda.
2.) Medical issues - low testosterone, ED etc. Make him go to a doctor.
3.) He has a full blown gambling addiction and the thrill of gambling has replaced his need for the pleasures of sex. Go to Gamblers Anonymous.
Did you live together before getting married? Just wondering if the "mystery" is gone now that you're living day in and day out together.
Not that its an excuse for his douchey behavior, just wondering if this is a factor.
There's definitely no problem in the physical sex area, i.e. no problem with erections or premature ejaculation. Sex before marriage was awesome! That's why I'm so baffled that it's suddenly changed, like being married took the excitement out of it for him or something. I told him last night that I haven't changed and he knew what he was getting before he married me. In fact, I think I'm pretty adventurous overall and enjoy being a sex kitten. I'm always willing to try or suggest new things, etc. Yet somehow he says he feels like we're in a rut, same old routine, etc.
I think he is willing to work on things as a couple, which is a positive point. After the argument he was very attentive and suggested ways he could change, like not watching sports as often, paying more attention to me, going on more dates. Yet he still could not tell me what he wants from me or what he means by saying he wants me to be "sexy". I always thought I was sexy. I just hate feeling like this so early in our marriage. Argh.
Or just give him up as a lost cause. If your husband was a good man, he would be having sex with you or trying to get to the root of the reason why he didn't want to have sex with you. He would not be more interested in sports than talking to you. He would not place the blame for your lack of sex life on some failing in you to be "sexy".
Honey, I know you might have felt a lot of pressure to get married, but seriously, being single is a lot easier than putting up with a jack@ss.
We didn't live together before marriage. We lived an hour apart while we were dating/engaged, and stayed together on weekends.
I do think this gambling thing is becoming more serious than it should be. I've tried talking to him about it but he denies all this of course. The funny thing is, I'm a psychiatrist! And yet I still can't talk to my own husband about it without him getting all defensive. He says he knows I hate his gambling etc - I've clarified by saying it's not the gambling I hate, it's how much time he spends on it that's the problem.
He's definitely being a jerk, sounds like he needs to have a good sit down talk with you and explain how he's feeling....There's got to be a reason behind it, usually marriage isn't just a big switch with sex, it usually doesn't change so drastically if that's the only difference between dating and marriage. Is there other issues that he's being bothered by? Are you getting used to living togehter and he's not used to you being there all the time? What DOES he find "sexy"? Your looks didn't change so what did he like before that's different?
Whatever it is I'd suggest that you guys go see someone, go to either a relationship therapist or a sex therapist (or start with relationship and they might recommend a sex threapist if that's what's needed.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
So his penis works, but he doesn't want to put it in you.
You guys didn't live together before getting married, but had monkey sex during the 48 hours you guys were together on weekends. Who knows what kind of person he was during the rest of the week.
I was unable to find any Gam-Anon meetings in Tennesee, but you should try to attend some Al-Anon meetings in your area. Your lives are being affected by his addiction.
I would run a credit check and see what damage he might have gotten you guys into. It is my guess that his gambling has created more problems than he is admitting to.
You deserve better. You deserve a man who loves you, emotionally supports you, physically desires you.
TBH, sometimes it makes it worse to be in the mental health field, it makes you justify behaviors that you should not put up with or that you would tell your patients that they don't need deal with, but your feelings towards the man can blur your judgement and use your knowledge to justify the unjustifiable.
I'll lay it out for you from a guys's perspective. "Just be sexy" means that he wants the fun/fantasy/excitement that existed before and doesn't exist now. You live together now, you see eachother every single day. You walk around the house in sweat pants & grubby slippers rather than tight skirts & heels. He sees your dirty underwear on the floor and it pisses him off. The routine of every day same thing, which is unavoidable in marriage, is getting to him. Let me tell you it gets worse - wait till you throw a couple kids in the mix.
Try to do a little more and see what effect it has. Dress nicer, wear perfume, do your hair, go down on him in the living room. In short - be that little porn star for a short while. If he's still not into throwing you the bone, then he's got other issues.
OP, under no circumstances should you listen to this troll. You shouldn't have to shoulder the weight of your marriage alone and anyone who suggests that you should is a flucking jackass.
Bigred, clearly, you were raised by wolves if you think that, to have a successful and healthy marriage, the woman needs to "be that little porn star". Real men want an equal partner, not a blow up doll.
ETA: Oh, and I had my husband read it so that I could have it laid out for me in a guy's perspective, and you know what he said? "Her husband's an ass."
Look - the problem here is that this board is full of a bunch of whiny little bitchies who don't know what they're talking about. This person asked what it meant when her husband said that. I answered.
It's not getting her to shoulder the whole deal. Try 1 thing and if it works then you know what the deal was. If not, move on to other ideas.
As an aside - "raised by wolves" is a rather stupid thing to say, don't you think? Do you know any humans who were actually raised by wolves - let alone any that can figure out what this girl's husband is trying to tell her?
Did you not tell your fellow Aug '09ers that your H (then FI) was having his friends hack into your e-mail account using government resources because he was paranoid you weren't faithful? Didn't that go on for, like, a year?
And you're questioning why he's got issues? Weren't there enough red flags before you got married?
I hate to say we told you so, but we told you so.
We'll just not tell H about this little fact, m'kay?
Wow. Does your wife know that you view women as "whiny little bitches"? How about your mother? I'm sure they're so proud.
She's tried coming on to him. He's the one throwing up the road blocks. So, yeah, for you to advocate "being that little porn star" is telling her to just suck it up and be grateful to have that douche in her life.
Oh honey. Guys like you make me so grateful that I have standards that it hurts.
If you think this board is full of a bunch of whiny little bitches, then GET LOST. No real man would tell his wife, whom he loves and cares for dearly, that she's just not sexy.?
Bigred has 7 women in his life, so he knows what he's talking about. Rosie Palm, her five sisters, and his mom.
OP, your H is being a douchebag. I think his behavior is shady at best. I second Kimnelson's urging for counseling, but now that I hear about his own insecurity about you possibly someday cheating, I'm led to wonder if he himself is cheating.
Are you serious???
If you think that saying "look more sexy" without being able to actually articulate more than that is a constructive way to better a marriage, then you are just as big a jackass as her husband - and I think the "whiny little bitchies", as you so eloquently put it, on this board know a lot more of what they are talking about than you do
Oh wow that's funny. I didn't realize this was a schoolyard.
Yes, I'm a misogynist, what of it? The useless banter that is one sees here only furthers that outlook. Bunch of 23 year old girls whose entire life is their wedding picture and the table setting in their condo.
Man, you sound like a douche. This is coming from a guy, so you can trust me, brah! Ha.
I think you're probably inept at reading between the lines of the OP's post (sweatpants? dirty underwear?) and probably just ended up projecting your own experiences. I have to agree that the problem isn't with the OP and how she isn't "trying" hard enough. Husbands and wives shouldn't have to jump through hoops to get sex.
For the record, I think it's pathetic that there are some guys (apparently like you and the OP's husband) that need to be convinced to have sex with their wives or SOs. Way to be. Seriously, it takes very little for my FI to get me in bed with her.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Well, that's probably because you're lucky to even have a girl in your life who will give it up for you. I don't have to be convinced to get into bed, maybe this guy does. I don't know.
I think your H has other issues he is blaming on you. I'd guess it's a block about marriage and how it equates to sex. I suggest counceling.
As a side note: if you have an issue with how much time H spends on the computer/tv, you need have come up with a compromise. Talking won't do anything unless a plan is put into place.
This.
Of course you two had an amazing sex life before marriage. You two were glorified fck-buddies, who spent the weeks living your own seperate lives and the weekends screwing. You two didn't have to deal with the daily monotony of life together, the everyday ins-and-outs of each other's routines and habits.......you know, life. "Life" has a way of zapping the lusty sex animal out of you. When you start having to deal with the boring things like bills and work and dirty dishes and laundry, you lose the mystery and naughtiness that the extended booty-calls brought.
Your husband is an assshole. You're seriously lacking in self-esteem. I don't know what kind of advice to give you........I'm not sure what in the world your marriage is based on, since you don't seem to have a great companionship otherwise either.
I was just going to say the same thing. You went in to the marriage knowing that he had some serious issues, but you chose to ignore them. I hope things work out for you but honestly, you did not go in to this blind.
Well. There you go. I just saw your previous post on Sex and Romance about your turds. How is that all going for you? Snot still green?
Agreed.