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holy over reaction batman
Just need to vent about my sister!
Background: Friday night we had a family dinner at my aunt's house, and my sister brought a highchair thingy that straps onto a chair to feed her little guy. She accidentally left it there and called me when she got home (I was still there) and asked me to bring it home for her. I did and she didn't answer the door, so I just brought it home with me since I live just down the street from her so picking it up should be no biggie.
I asked her to come pick it up before Sunday night since we were entertaining. She didn't, so I just put it downstairs so it would be out of the way. As of Tuesday night she hadn't called or come to get it yet.
Yesterday I was working out of the office for most of the day, which I often do, which she is aware of. When I returned to the office at 3 I had 7 voicemails from her, 2 from my grandma and 1 from my dad. Hers started out normal, wanting her seat back, and by the last one they were frantic about how I was being a vengeful b*tch by withholding her seat from her when I KNOW she needs it to feed her baby (wtf was she doing since Friday?), and I should stop being such a horrible immature person. The worse part is that the last message was from INSIDE my house (we have each other keys for emergencies) stating that she'd searched my house to find where I was hiding it and couldn't (she obviously didn't go downstairs where it was in plain sight). The messages from my grandma were asking me to stop harassing my poor sister, as I had no idea what it's like to be a mother. And finally the message from my dad was calm, saying that he knew I'm probably out of the office but please call him back ASAP when I get them message since my sister and mom have been calling him all day asking him to talk some sense into me and stop punishing my sister for not doing what I asked.
I was so mad about this that I didn't call her back, but when we got home from work (at 5) I asked DH to run the seat over to her since I didn't even want to look at her.
I am fuming! It makes me mad that she turned me doing nothing wrong into me being a horrible revenge seeking person who stole and hid something she needed for her child, and also that my mom and grandma got all wrapped up in it and believed her insanity. I don't even know what to say to her now, but I am very very angry. Just wanted to vent, thanks for reading!
Re: holy over reaction batman
The obvious answer is - - stop doing her favors.
Seriously - - you were too nice to have DH drop it off. I would have called and said "it's here when you need it, like is has been for almost a week."
If you are close, I would talk to her and tell her she sounded like a b.s.c. lunatic. Her not having a chair was the result of her own choices - - forgetting the chair in the first place, not answering the door when you rang, not coming over to pick up the chair. I would also say the chair is HER responsibility, and you not only picked it up from aunts, held it when it wasn't convenient, and your DH drove it over.
If she is always dramatic like this, I would ask for your keys back. Who wants a crazy lady with keys to your home?
has stuff like this happened in the past where you guys attack each other or is she just out of nowhere batty?
and don't you have a cell phone? couldn't they just have called that? or emailed you to let you know they needed to come by to grab the seat? I'd call her back just to let her calmly(to clearly let her know that you're the sane one) and let her know that all she had to do was call, that you weren't hiding anything and that you don't deserve to be treated like you were doing something viscous when you clearly went by to drop it off as well as leaving her a voice message about the chair that she could have returned.
Does your sister normally act like this? Do your parents and Gma usually believe her when she creates drama? Is this "one off" or par for the course? Is there some reason your Sis and Mom would immediately jump to thinking you were being spiteful to Sis on purpose? Because your answers to these questions would dictate my response.
I don't blame you for sending H with the chair so you could cool down. But I would still follow up with Sis and her overreaction, voicemails, etc. I would remind her that you tried to return it, that you often leave the house and multiple calls in a day is unnecessary. Assuming you stole it was uncalled for and you expected an apology.
I would also call Mom/Gma (whoever left these messages) and explain the same thing.
FWIW, I would have left the chair on her front stoop the first night and called her when I got home to tell her it was there (she was probably putting the baby to bed when you stopped by?)
She came unhinged. It happens. Sometimes to the same people quite often. I'd look at this less as a personal attack on you and more as a person in deserate need of .... support? ... help? ... something.
7 voice mails and pleas for multiple interventions by multiple family members screams that a person is in deserate need of something. She's claiming it's a portable high chair.
What is it really about? That's the question.
And BTW, one you don't need to ask or answer. When someone treates you this badly and smears your name around this awfully, you don't have to go and seek-out how to help them. You are well within reason and your rights to cool your heals and let them sort themselves.
And shrugging your shoulders and acting mysitified at to your sister's accusations and demands is perfectly reasonable. Things tend to calm down quite quickly when you don't add any energy to it. An you look like the injured party much more easily when you don't stake a claim to the fight and refuse to say much by way of defense. "Poor thing" is a great way to respond when you want to reinforce how hysterical someone became when they attacked you.
I seriously almost just peed myself.
To OP. Definitely don't do any more favors for your sister. That was definitely an overreaction on her part, especially if you made multiple attempts to return it to her.
Sounds like you need to distance yourself from your family a bit.
And for the love of God, get your house key back from her.
I am curious to know if this kind of thing has happened before, or what.
Past that, I think I would let things calm down for a couple days, then I would call her up and just gently ask "What's going on?". If she says "What do you mean?" or plays dumb, or denies anything is wrong, be honest and tell her that you were kind of blown away by the high chair incident and you just feel that there must be something else going on to lead to that level of angst over a highchair (that she managed to do just fine w/o for 3 days).
As ridiculous as it all is, on your side of it, dont' add to the ridiculousness of it. I totally get why you're pissed, but I really think there must be something else going on and for some reason, this was the trigger to her freak out.
Don't get emotional. Be gentle, stick to the facts. If she flips out again, accuses you of keeping it from her, just gently say "Well, that's not the situation and i think you know that. But I'm going to go now and we can talk when things are better for you.". Then hang up, leave, whatever you need to do.
And then let her reach out to you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This and then get your key back from her. Don't ever help her again.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This is something I would do, then send her a bunch of splinters and a note saying she was to late.
LOVE IT!!!!
Man I totally should have posted this yesterday! That is the best solution lol. Thanks for lightening the situation a bit.
I admit we had a bit of a troubled past and haven't always gotten along. However I make huge efforts to help her out and be understanding. It's actually really hurtful to me that she accused me of doing something malicious when I was just bringing the seat home to try and help her out. I did talk to her that night and she said she didn't answer the door because she didn't "feel" like getting up and did promise to come get it before sunday night. Maybe she felt guilty and was projecting that I was mad when I really wasn't?
In general she's a huge drama queen and does try and turn people's normal actions into an attack on her even if they aren't in any way. And yes she does often accuse me of doing things when I haven't really, and gets my mom and grandma all worked up. They were both SAHM's, and so is my sister, and they seem to be under the impression that everyone should abandon their lives and rally around her since she now has the most important job in the world. Even when they recognize that she's being dramatic and ridiculous I am still always in the wrong because I don't have a child and couldn't possibly understand what she's going through or what is causing it, so I should be the level headed and forgiving one.
And yes, honestly she probably was stressed out or upset about something and ended up taking it out on me. I know the seat couldn't have been the real issue she was having, since my parents have the same seat, live 3 minutes away from us, and were home to give it to her if she was actually desperate. I think she was probably angrier because she feels entitled that everyone should do what she says when she says it, and refuses to accept that if I'm at work I'm not available for her. I just find it hard to feel any genuine sympathy for someone who attacks me and tries to turn people against me because she's in a mood that day.
That's even better than my idea, which was to donate it to Goodwill and tell her that another baby is using it right now.
Don't get the key back; re-key your house. She, as well as your mother and grandmother, are taking advantage of you. Do not let them walk all over you anymore.
Until you put your foot down and stand up for your own life, you will always be asked to bend over for sister and her needs.
You are right that they do always ask me to bend over backward for her, but I don't. This should have been a simple took 30 seconds out of my day thing and no biggie which I wouldn't mind doing for anyone. I would like to have a good relationship with her though, and I admit that I have trouble finding the balance. I want to be really supportive and kind to her, she doesn't have many friends and she is quite sensitive, but then things like this situation feel like such a slap in the face. I wonder if it's time to give up trying and just go about my life and only deal with her when I absolutely need to.
I think you need to see your Sis for the crazy person she is and keep your expectations low accordingly. Try not to take what she says personally, know you do what you can and not engage. I'm assuming you want to maintain a relationship with her so you can continue to see your neices/nephews. When she gets crazy, respond with facts "I called you twice and told you stop anytime. I was not purposely hiding it and resent that accusation." and then drop it.
I would else be telling Mom/Gma to know it off."You are misinformed. I did call her/drop off/whatever. I resent your accusation and won't discuss this with you further." then end the conversation/change the subject/walk away. The first few times they will be shocked & angry, but eventualy they will learn that you will not be the family punching bag.
Good luck
"I wonder if it's time to give up trying and just go about my life and only deal with her when I absolutely need to."
This.
I agree w/ Bunmom and Belle. You know how she is- you have to set your expectations at the right level, and you have to figure out for yourself what you are willing to deal with.
Relationships are 2 way streets and if you feel it's on you to make this work, maybe it's not worth it.
I've really never actively put thought to it, but your post made me - you say she's quite sensitive. Honestly, I think "sensitive" is actually the same as "self-centered". People who are overly sensitive see everything in relation to themselves. They can't step outside of themselves to realize "Oh, wait, this actually has nothing to do w/ me".
There is only so much energy that I have for people who you have to always coddle and worry "Oh, geez, what will so and so think if I do/say ___?".
It's taxing.
But this is probably what is necessary for you to do if you want to have a "good" relationship w/ her. If you're not up to it, then so be it - you're not. And I wouldn't blame you one tiny bit.
Why exactly do you feel she doesn't have many friends? Probably because too many other peopel have been turned off by her "woe is me" approach to life.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
LOL! Love this!
What a bunch of psychos! I'd have called her back and told her it's not your fault she didn't answer her door or that she's too lazy to come pick the seat up herself. And I'd have told mom & grandma to pick the seat up and take it to the 5 year old tattletale crybaby themselves if it's such a huge deal to them. And remove their lips from her a$$ while they're at it.
Perhaps you should have just left it on her front porch or in her back yard when she didn't answer the door in the first place then call to make sure she got it. Don't do her anymore favors after this - she's a nut case.
No wonder she doesn't have any friends...she's a biznatch.
This is it..... I want to be there for her kids to come to, when they are having trouble with their parents or if they are in a situation they wouldn't understand. My sister and her DH are pretty black and white and strict about a lot of things and I'd like to think I can be there for them to talk to if they are in need. Or if they just want to come over and play with the cool aunt and uncle lol
You've already gotten great advice, and I agree- I think you're definitely well within your rights to step back and interact with her only when needed. I did want to follow up on ECB's thought about overly "sensitive" meaning "self centered". I totally agree- truly sensitive means about the same thing as thoughtful: thinking about how your actions and words affect others and make them feel to the same extent that you're thinking about how other's actions and words affect you. Your sister isn't doing that- she's getting caught up in what she wants and feels and throwing out ugly accusations and badmouthing you when she doesn't get it- and I'm sure that's not how she'd want you treating her.
I know when I was a little kid, I heard a lot about how everyone was a unique snowflake with super important feelings that deserved expression. And I have nothing against emotions or expressing them or asking for what you need- that's healthy. But I have seen a lot of people having trouble with the concept that they don't have a free license to express their emotions as loudly and unkindly as they please because, by golly, that's how they FEEL.
I deal with a somewhat similar situation- I have a relative that absolutely falls to pieces when she's upset, so that in a crisis (or even just an unpleasant situation), the family not only has to a) deal with the original problem, but also b) pick up the pieces and help glue her back together and calm her down. I'm over it- I love her, I am sorry she's upset, but it really makes all the stressful situations that much harder, and it's unfair. And while this still happens around the whole family (like you, we have some sympathetic relatives who feel everyone else should just "be understanding"), she no longer does this when it's just the two of us because I flat out told her, "I love you, and I am really sorry you're upset, but this isn't fair to me. I'm also really upset about X, and instead of being able to deal with that, I'm having to stop and help you pull yourself together. I don't mind helping when there's a problem and of course I want to comfort you when you're upset, but it needs to be a two-way street. My feelings need to count too."
dont do her any more favors. tell her next time don't forget her things and she won't have that problem...
You know, Kuus, I love you. And DonnyC too. I just wet myself laughing.
I'd take the pictures of the chair, and the ransom notes, and the splinters, and make a collage of the whole thing and give it to your sister for Xmas. I'll tell you the dresser and pearls story some time.
Dang, I just spit out my coffee laughing.
This is just a whole pack of stoopit!
Quite possible THE dumbest thing for your entire family to become involved in!
I think you will do your niece and nephew a greater service if you step back from your sister. From personal experience, the more invested you are in your niece / nephew's lives, the more your sister will hold that over you, and will use them as pawns in your relationship. That doesn't mean that you don't care of them (of course you will), but if you ask "how high" whenever your sister says "Jump - it's for the kids," she will push those buttons. It's better that you have set boundries. And it's a better example for her kids if you have boundries, too. After all, your sister doesn't have many friends (don't feel sorry for her, the reason is apparent) - - she'll eventually come crawling back when she needs another favor. If you need therapy or to read a self-help book to deal with setting boundries, I would do that now, while the kids are young!!!
As for your mom/grandma, the next time they call you about ANYTHING your sister says or does, I would say "this is between me and sis. It does not concern you." and hang up (leave / stop the conversation). Of course, they WILL argue that "this DOES concern me, b/c you are my children / grandchildren (meaning, since they are related to you, they can but into your life about anything). Just say "I don't agree, and I will not discuss it further with you."
Love it.
I'm sorry this happened - stuff like this has happened to me with my sisters too. Parents, aunts, etc. involved. I think you have every right to be angry. You handled in a nicer way than I would have!