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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: confessions
It's a long list and I'm leaving many lovely moments out but here is a small example of her behavior.
- While I was delivering Spencer after being told to stay out of the room she burst in the door as the doctor was telling me they needed to vacuum him out
- That same night she told my mom I was probably going to die as they were on hour 20 of my 24 hour labor
- The night after we came home they insisted on sleeping in our tiny kitchen on the floor for days when they weren't invited. She then proceeded to get drunk inform me she wasn't going to apologize for walking in while i was spread eagle in birth mode and then suggested that I physically threaten my aunt on her behalf because of something that went on at the hospital
- Upon J asking them to leave after her little outburst she proceeded to empty the fridge of all the food they purchased for "us" and take it with her
- She kicked me out of her house stating that if I have nothing to say or even help out around the business then I need not come back.
- At Christmas after a wonderful day with our families all together she decided to toast after I thanked everyone for coming and I cooked all day "Here's a toast to my husbands wife...good women are hard to find"
- Again at Christmas after not receiving the attention she was craving she informed us that we could have put more effort into her daughters gift that we had to courier to her. We were quite generous and she daughter was quite happy with her gifts. I said so, she responded with "No one tells me my family needs to be thankful for anything!!" she proceeds to walk over to me and whisper behind my back in MY house "You're going to regret that". All of this was done in front of my parents. Still haven't gotten an apology for that, in fact I still have over half her christmas presents that she left behind because she simply didn't want them...........
- She never once asked me about the wedding, in fact they didn't even want to be there.
- At my rehearsal dinner she tossed ice at her husband and then proceeded with the toast about herself.....I put my glass on the table and refused to participate.
- After dinner she proceeded to get into a fight with each of her family members leaving J with "You made your choice..!"
- She told me that including pictures of my son in our slide show is in bad taste because no one has any memories of him and his spirit was never there.........
- At the wedding during the "welcome to the family speech" she walks up and says "I'm not allowed to say anything" and her husband then goes on to talk about how great and wonderful their son is and how he's destined to make millions and he's so perfect and great and OH "we're still getting to know Jennifer but we think she's pretty nice so far....." I've known them for two years, lived with them for a few weeks and they were with us the entire time during Spencers birth and funeral......
- Her status on Facebook for thanksgiving read "We wish everyone a great thanksgiving and are so thankful for all our family and friends, yes even YOU!"
- and the latest and greatest she's congratulated her nephew on their baby due in April but hasn't said a word, sent an e-mail or passed on a single message of congrats to me.
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If I were a man (or fitty) I'd totally call my penis THE WIZARD - HappyTummy
I'm with Mod. My MIL told my H to think about marrying me because I didn't take her suggestion and sweep the sidewalk while he was mowing the lawn and she was planting flowers she decided we needed in our garden.
After that, he told her that if she wanted to be welcome in our home, she needed to start treating me better. It didn't stop her from questioning my sexuality the night before the wedding but for the most part, she's learned to bite her tongue and show me respect in my own damn house.
This alone would make me rip her face off.
Yeah, I think if my husband wasn't willing to tell her to shape up or ship out, I'd stop coming to events where she is, and stop inviting her to my home. I would have no desire to ever see her again.
My MIL is lucky she is an awesome cook because if she wasn't, I'd have no desire to invite her over. Thankfully she passed her skills on to my H who does ALL of the cooking. Which is probably another reason she hates me...but if you wanted your baby to be waited on by a 1950s housewife you shouldn't have taught him how to be such a great cook.
But jenm's MIL has made my MIL's antics seem quirky in comparison.
Jen's post makes me happy my MIL is too drunk to care. Jenm your H needs lay down the law like Mod said. If he doesn't, he just a bad as she is.
Tony used to make comments about my cooking but I've trained that out of him. The worst thing he ever said was "I need to teach you how to get around in the kitchen." He only ever said it once.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
He does actually all of the time, but she's not mentally there to realize what she's actually doing.
He's pretty much grown up with this his whole life and it's his norm.... I'm not sure how to deal with this. He wants us to work things out but I'm not about to forget anything that she's done. I might forgive, but she needs to apologize for EVERYTHING she's ever done. And she's never in her life done that for anyone.
We run our own business now so there are no ties he just really loves his mother......It's quite sad really. I don't want to hurt his feelings when it comes to her, but I'm no longer willing to put myself out there to be attacked and insulted by that woman ever again. She's one comment away from being banned from our house. The only good thing is that they live 4 1/2 hours away.
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If I were a man (or fitty) I'd totally call my penis THE WIZARD - HappyTummy
Yeah, I'm thissing all over this. Ignoring injustices performed by a mentally ill person SUCKS. I get that totally, but if it really is pointless to say anything and she's not ever going to be aware of it, you're going to have to find a way to ignore it.
If she is aware, then your husband needs to man up and stop it.
Here's the thing I firmly believe she's got some for of bi-polar in addition to that she drinks and most of her behaviour escalates while she's drinking. Now she's not the kind of gal you suggest see a therapist and get a great response from.
Despite the fact that J has confronted her on numerous occasions she still keeps it up.
For example, after her Christmas drama and we were all yelling and crying her husband walked over to me apologizing while he hugged me. I said "You know she does this one purpose and you know we did nothing wrong" his response was "I know I'm so very sorry she never listens to me and I just don't know what to do".
So things are being said, things have been said and I guess we are all at a loss. I have yet to sit her down and have a good stern conversation with her. I'll admit I'm not sure it will go well on my part because I'm simply beyond angry with her. I've suggested that we try and get her to a doctor to be looked at, but they all kinda looked at me like I was the crazy one and something like that would never become a reality because she would never go.
They seemed quite intimidated by her. Which I understand because she is verbally and mentally abusive to her husband, son and daughter........
I understand that you and your H have confronted her, but what about consequences? I know people have said you have to just ignore it if she has an undiagnosed mental illness, but that doesn't excuse her behavior either. You don't have to put up with that kind of treatment because she has issues.
I'm WTFing at all the people who say "if she's mentally ill, you need to let it go." So they should be codependent?
I disagree, I think they need to talk to a therapist who specializes in family of mentally ill people. Even something like Al-Alon might help, since people who refuse treatment for mental illness are a lot like alcoholics in how it affects the people around them. Or I'm sure there are books that deal with this that can give you a road map on how to deal with her.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
I think it's a different situation since she's an in-law though. I agree that someone being mentally ill does not mean they get free reign to treat you like crap, but as someone that just married into the family, you aren't really in a position to be all "Get thee to a mental institution now". I just don't think that will solve any problems in the family dynamic.
I mean, I'm dealing with this with my own mother, and I don't get any say in what happens with her treatment.
Before my bipolar stepdad was heavily medicated, he was the head maintenance guy at a soup factory. He never once went into one of his manic rages when he was at work, they always happened at home (or at least started at home, sometimes he left in the middle of one). That suggested to me that he had at least enough coherence to understand that he could get away with it in one place and not another.
Of course, it took a psychotic break and involuntary hospitalization for him to get on meds and admit that he might have a mental illness. So Jenm, I hope it takes less for your MIL to admit she needs help than getting in a police chase that ends in a Home Depot with your MIL convinced she is George Bush and that the CIA is after her.
I'm also an advocate for cutting toxic people out of your life if possible. I have some sadness about not seeing my father, but it's more sadness about not having a father that cares, and less sadness about not seeing a guy that I know is a selfish ass_hole. I know if he were in my life he'd be causing a lot more grief than he is now.
I'm wondering if we try to start with the family? Maybe all 4 of us go talk to someone about the issues we each have with her and what her past behaviour has been. I'm not the only one she attacks on a daily basis so they at some point have to want to make a change.
I'm not qualified to state she has an actual issue, but from what I've read she has several signs. Extreme highs and lows, deep depression, self loathing, self medicating and unexplained outbursts. She's dealt with a lot in her past which makes me....some where in a tiny spot buried in my soul feel sympathetic towards her, but we are all messed up and we've all had some losses and sorrows. That's doesn't give anyone an excuse to be abusive and out of control.
Right now my plan is to avoid her all together...except she's sleeping in my goddamn guest room right now.....I'm hoping J will get back from a dog walk before the beast stirs.......
It's not just Jen who needs help figuring out how to deal with this. It's basically her husband that doesn't know what to do. It's not just a matter of being able to tell her to get treatment, it's agreeing on and sticking to consequences if she doesn't. They have to decide on those things together and present a united front when they inform his mom about it.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
Very true. I wish someone could get my father on board with that line of thinking.
I have never agreed with Fenton more than I do in this post.
Yes, Jen can't force the MIL into treatment, but 'letting it go' is making JEN (and her H, and her FIL, etc.) codependent. I've been there and it doesn't help anyone, especially the person letting abusive behavior go on.
I was a bit flip with my "letting it go" comment. What I meant, and didn't touch on at all, was that if the woman is truly mentally ill, J having a conversation with his mother where he says "You have to stop treating Jen like this or there will be consequences" is probably useless. That Jen has to stop taking it as a personal attack or slight. When my grandfather's alzheimer's hit the stage where he was verbally abusive, I couldn't take it personally.
I have zero issues with Jen cutting the MIL out of her life, and I think she probably should. But if she's bipolar, I don't think the "normal" ways of dealing with a bad MIL apply here especially if noone else in her family is trying to make her go into treatment.
It also felt like, in Jen's original post, that the MIL was only being horrible to Jen. But it sounds like she's being horrible and unpredictably so to everyone in the family.
Book Review Blog
If I were a man (or fitty) I'd totally call my penis THE WIZARD - HappyTummy
Book Review Blog
If I were a man (or fitty) I'd totally call my penis THE WIZARD - HappyTummy
I guess it effects me so much because it's so unpredictable. I mean it comes from no where and most often for no reason. On Christmas everything was fine we were all enjoying ourselves and then BAM crazy psycho woman attacks. They've never had a nice Christmas from what I've been told and I wanted to show not only my H but his family that you can have a nice time with family without fighting about stupid sh!t. That was a huge FAIL!
I'm a forgiving person and I've extended myself to them on several occasions leaving them the opportunity to start fresh and they've not once made an attempt. This new baby was yet another opportunity to move ahead, sending an e-mail saying "we are excited about your news and look forward to what's to come" but NOTHING. They were just here, I'm kinda showing and she didn't say two words to me.
I guess she just catches me off guard and I'm so shocked when she does these kinds of things I can't help but let it effect me. I've never met someone like her before and I have no idea how to deal. So I'm just not going to deal with her. I don't like having her in our home because she literally makes my skin crawl.
The real issues haven't even come into play yet because there is no baby involved. But if she thinks behaving this way towards me is going to get her one step closer to a grandchild she can't even acknowledge she's got another thing coming. I don't trust her and most certainly won't be trusting her around any of my children. It just makes me sad for J because I know he wants that relationship with them, but that is where I draw my line.
Anyway thanks for letting me vent and offering your opinions I do appreciate it.