Holidays
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Husband did not give a gift - has this happened to anyone?
Christmas has always been a big holiday for me. I love this time of the year. My husband and I got married in February so this is the first Christmas we were married. My husband always said that "Presents shouldn't be limited to certain times of the year", which I agree with and he buys me small things throughout the year and because of certain health issues with my family he pays the majority of our household bills. He recently had knee replacement on Dec 2nd and not being sure how quick he would be up and moving we tried to do all of our shopping prior to his surgery. His parents are not living so his cousins (which are a bunch) and his brother are the ones we bought for in his family. At his request, I made homemade goodies to give to his cousins plus we took some to his therapist and the hospital staff that took care of him during surgery. I have no problem with this, my problem is that come Christmas morning there was no present for me! We went to my family for Christmas lunch and spent the evening with my mom, still no present. My mom asked what he got me and I had to tell her nothing..that was difficult! When we got home, I asked him about it and he was shocked that I asked. His answer was.."I was trying to make sure all of the bills were covered while I was off" (he will probably be off work for another month). I understand that and I appreciate that he wants to take care of me in that way but if he didn't have enough money to go around then the money he spent buying his cousins' gifts should have went to my gift. I don't want to sound greedy and I was not expecting an expensive gift, just something and besides that, his cousins have not even bothered to call and thank him for those presents (we took them prior to Christmas because we were spending Christmas with my family). Then after having the discussion he began to mention things that I had received during the year and those things would have been fine if he had told me when he gave them to me that it was part of my Christmas present. He didn't get me anything last year either but we were saving every penny we could for our wedding in February. Has this happened to anyone else and how did you handle it and how did you get past it? (Sorry this ended up being a long post)
Re: Husband did not give a gift - has this happened to anyone?
Really? This is really a big deal? Sounds like he was being responsible while also not looking like a jerk to the extended family. I think you need to grow up a little bit.
DH and I don't exchange gifts for Christmas. We'd rather spend that money on our family or home.
i 100% agree, couldn't have said it any better myself!
My husband and I have kind of adopted a "no gifts" Christmas. But, we too, are similar to your husband. We give each other gifts throughout the year instead of waiting for Christmas Day.
If giving and receiving a gift is important to you on Christmas Day, you should have that conversation with your husband and make arrangements to maintain that tradition moving forward.
I think it's a shame he didn't initiate that conversation with you first, and assumed you would understand.
I am not going to jump down your throat. Giving presents to the ones that you love at Christmas are a standard tradition within the US and many cultures around the world. It is the ESTABLISHED PRACTICE for American Relationships that are AN EXPRESSION OF LOVE (rightly or wrongly).
Her Husband did not discuss his decision to go against the norm without talking to her. THAT PART was wrong. You discuss major decisions with each other. Especially when your action is something that could possibley be concieved as hurtful.
Now, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with wanting to cut costs. And if he had gone to her about this to begin with (which would have stopped her from buying HER gifts for him.....but he seemed to be happy recieving those.....) and she still complained, then yes she woudl be greedy.
But just NOT telling her what was on his mind (bad communication) and not doing something that 95% other husbands do for their wives do, is just a bit hurtful.
sorry, i'm having trouble getting past your financial set up... are you working? why isn't what money either of you makes considered "ours," not mine and his? are you lending out money to family members? this whole thing seems off. but fwiw, if getting an xmas present is important to you then you need to tell him that and give him plenty of ideas and reminders during the holiday season.
I think this is a communication / expectation issue.
Yes, I get that he is being responsible, and you should be thankful that he pays the majority of the bills while you help out extended family.
However...NOTHING is nothing. If you would have been happy with "love coupons" (massage, he cooks a romantic dinner), or a poem he copied or a book, then I think he needs to realize that having something on Christmas is important to you.
I DO think you set a tone when you were saving last year - that gifts are not important. You have to make it clear that while you appreciate all he does, receiving a gift on Christmas makes you feel valued and loved, even if it is a small token gift.
It's great that HE believes in giving gifts through the year, but I'm guessing you would have been happy with one less gift during the year if you had a gift under the tree. It's like when a guy says "I never give flowers. They die. They are a waste of money." Ok, but if the girl you love likes flowers, buy some, it won't kill you.
Well, and not trying to be snarky, just honest, you came off like a spoiled brat in your original post and this latest one isn't helping.
I am curious as to what your got your H for Christmas, forgive me if you've already mentioned.
Wow, it got a little heated in here. FWIW, I would feel disapointed if my husband didn't get me a present on our first Christmas together and, no, I don't consider myself greedy.
I'm sorry, but I also think it sounds greedy. Now, I do agree that it would have come as less of a shock if your H told you ahead of time that he didn't want to exchange gifts because he watned to cover the bills; but I was raised that it's better to give than to receive and that Christmas has a much bigger meaning than getting presents. When my 12 year old SD says "is that for MEEEE?" every time she sees someone carrying a gift my H and I both tell her to stop being greedy because it's impolite to ask - and she's a child!!!
To me, it sounds kind of crybabyish. But everyone has their own opinion - that's just mine. My husband - my MOM - would be appalled if I asked them for a gift because it was always burned into our heads as kids not to ask and I carried that "rule" into my adult years.
Under the circumstances, I think you need to realize that you cannot have it all. You have put yourself in economic peril b/c of your choice to support your brother and mom. Now your H is not living with the financial freedom he wants b/c of your choice (even if he is on board).
The fact that he is allowing you to support your mom and brother, when the two of you are having difficult times financially, is the greatest gift you could ever receive. Count up in $$ how much your H has sacrificed for YOUR family!
Do I think you are greedy? No, but I think you need to appreciate what you have. Your H has been more than generous with you and your family. He is out of work, and despite this, he is providing security for your mom and brother (by allowing you to support them with marital $$). There is no reason for you to be embarressed about telling your mom your H didn't give you a gift. She knows how much money goes to support her and your brother!
Next year, around October, have a talk with him about Christmas. Write him a letter about how much you appreciate everything he does. Then maybe suggest ways for the two of you to make Christmas special without spending a lot of money.
I also think you should look into ways to get gov't assistance for your mom / brother. If they can't support themselves, then they should qualify for aid.
This was our first Christmas as a married couple, and we didn't get gifts for each other at all. We have always talked about it before Christmas and have decided, while we are both okay with it now, will start buying gifts for each other when we start our family. There has never been an expectation on gifts.
I know you said you didn't want to sound greedy but it does come across that way. I know that some people still maintain separate bank accounts after they are married, but my thought has always been that everything is going for the both of you. All bills, rent/mortgage, things for your living space... no matter who's account it comes out of, it's still applies to both of you. I'm sure that you would rather know that all of your needs are being met, rather then getting a gift and missing a payment.
I think it was just a lack of communication, but really, don't get so hung up on it. It's not that big of a deal.
i don't think what the op said came across as greedy at all. i'm sorry, but unless my hubs said differently i expect christmas gifts from him. partly because that is what we have done in the past, but partly because that's how it should be in my mind.
OP, you did say he didn't get you anything last year, but that's because you were saving for your wedding. what about other years before marriage? was there any discussion about gifts this year? did you get him gifts? that would have been awkward for me if i got him stuff and he didn't get me anything.
i think you guys were a little harsh on her for saying she needs to grow up. i would have been pissed too if he bought for other family members and not me. if you can't afford gifts, that is one thing, but then no one gets gifts.
it's all in your own personal traditions and in my house/family christmas denotes gift giving.
Not necessary to be this upset about the situation. Your husband was being responsible in putting your finances first, not a silly Christmas gift. You will have many more Birthdays, Christmas', and so forth to get gifts (if this is important to you).
"Your good friend Miranda has just taken a piece of cake out of the garbage and eaten it. You will probably need this information when you check me into the Betty Crocker Clinic"
When we were kids my mom always said "Christmas is about giving, not about taking." The one thing I will side with the OP on is the fact that her H didn't tell her ahead of time "let's not exhange gifts." I'm sure it sux to be the only one without a gift to unwrap on Christmas - but like I said we were always taught that it was impolite to ask.
However - I DO think it was unfair of her H to let her buy him something and not give the "heads up" that she wasn't receiving a gift at all because funds were low. Under the assumption that OP bought her H a gift, what he should have said to her was, "Oh, I see you got me something. Well, since I had to make sure all the bills were covered I didn't have the extra money to get you anything, so to be fair I think you should return the one you got me." Then the ball would be in her court as to whether she wants to take it back or tell him to keep it.
It's understandable to be disappointed; it's greedy to keep asking "where's my present?"
Yep, this happened to a friend on their first Christmas - simply lack of commmunication of expectations.
On the other hand, Kelly Rippa said the gift they give is other is the freedom from not having to buy each other Christmas gifts, but they have, what, 14 years or so. Maybe that comes with time.
Hi Circlebar- I've been married 30 years to the same great guy that has made a few Christmas gift mistakes in the past...what really touched me about your story is that this is your first Christmas YOU are NOT greedy for being disappointed or expecting a gift from the hubby and definitely don't feel badly about snarky comments on this board, just know that ...., a little training is in order for the hubby.
He now knows you should be receiving a gift next year as that is important to you... And he must be feeling a little guilty because he is bringing up other gifts you have received during the yr...this is his attempt to make it alright in his mind, you have to let it go and forgive at this point, but for the future....
...as you get closer to next year, make sure he knows something you would actually like, this can be a little note with a picture of something that would be fun, a quick email with a hint or during a shopping outting, you can show him what you really like, or a friend, sister, or mom can give him a clue. Most husbands, especially new ones, want to please their wives, but may have no clue how or what to get. They are usually very willing if guided gently.
If he didn't give a gift last year and nothing was an issue, then he may think that is going to be the usual tradition. Paying the bills does not qualify for satisfying the Christmas gift giving tradition......he gets another chance!
If all else absolutely fails, go shopping, buy something you love, wrap it up & call it a day! LOL, it's not the end of the world!
I would normally just say it was only a lack of communication, but I have to admit that it does sound a bit childish to say that the money for his cousins' gifts should have been spent on her. I can't help but read that as a mini tantrum - and that line makes me think that she's fudging the truth a little when she says she'd be fine with a coupon for a massage or a poem. If she had stated in the OP that it didn't have to cost money, it's the thought that counts, etc, I'd feel differently.
Edit: I do still think they should have talked about it, but I could see how her husband may have thought that they weren't exchanging gifts, since they didn't last year for financial reasons and they're in a tight spot again. Basically, I think she's over-reacting.
I have never posted on this board but felt the need to after reading this post and the responses to this post.
I can totally understand where the OP is coming. I think if you actually read what she is saying is that she wanted the gesture. Its their first holiday as husband and wife and something (a card, a poem) to acknowledge that would have been appreciated.
I think communication is key and neither one may have communicated but honestly ladies you cant tell me that if your husband of only a few months did not acknowledge your first christmas together that you wouldn't feel poorly than you are better women than I. My feelings would definitely be hurt, so cut the girl some slack.
I don't think OP is being "greedy" at all. There are plenty of inexpensive ways to be thoughtful during Christmas. As someone has already mentioned, gift giving during Christmas is a tradition, most especially it seems to me, here in the US. (I grew up abroad where it's more about family gathering, a nice meal, and little gifts, if at all).
DH and I have been together for 10 years and when we ran out of creative gift ideas, we sometimes just ask each other to make a wish list and pick from there. Some of the best creative ideas DH and I have had for each other were "love coupons" as pp had mentioned. Coupons for a weekly massage, cooking for certain days, being in charge of laundry, etc. They're fun and very inexpensive. Again, plenty of inexpensive ways to be thoughtful on Christmas.
I feel bad for OP especially since this is your first Christmas together. I think you should really communicate with him if Christmas is really important to you so that you are not hurt next time if he doesn't get you anything. Also have the talk about telling each other if a certain holiday is going to be a no-gift holiday so that there's no expectations next time.
I'm all for having a responsible husband but it seems he didn't think of how his wife would feel first. But he seems to certainly have thought of his coworkers even with OP's homemade gifts.
Wow really?
My husband and I didn't get anything for eachother this year, he wanted to make sure our bills were covered. My mom actually got half of our gifts from us to my family. And all we are getting his family are picture frames and our wedding pictures. That is it...We don't even get to spend any of our first holidays together because I work at night. We are just happy to have eachother. If it is really such a big deal to you, you need to tell him. But really? Be happy with what you have.
DH and I didn't exchange gifts the first year of our marriage. We had so many gifts to buy for family members and so many bills after the wedding we just planned on making breakfast together Christmas morning.
I don't believe I saw this mentioned yet...
Have you read "The Five Love Languages"? It's a "Christian" book but not too preachy. It basically says that different people have different ways of feeling loved, and while having your husband change your oil for you might make one woman feel valued and loved, another needs a tangible gift under the Christmas tree. Neither is wrong - - it's just the way they feel.
I would suggest you read the book and also have your h read the book. You might be filling up your H's emotional bank by doing something that does not include gifts, so he doesn't "need" them (like cooking him a special dinner, saying "I love you," etc.). That doesn't make you greedy b/c you want that gift (however small).
I would also add...if saving money was so important for your H, why didn't he tell you not to waste your $$ on a gift for him? That's what bothers me about your situation. Not that he doesn't feel gifts are necessary, but that he didn't tell you not to buy him anything.
Work on the communication, and next year he'll know better!
Her Husband did not discuss his decision to go against the norm without talking to her. THAT PART was wrong. You discuss major decisions with each other. Especially when your action is something that could possibley be concieved as hurtful.
Now, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with wanting to cut costs. And if he had gone to her about this to begin with (which would have stopped her from buying HER gifts for him.....but he seemed to be happy recieving those.....) and she still complained, then yes she woudl be greedy.
But just NOT telling her what was on his mind (bad communication) and not doing something that 95% other husbands do for their wives do, is just a bit hurtful.
THIS. EXACTLY.
I'm ashamed to witness the lack of empathy on a HOLIDAYS board. And I call bullsh*t on those who think they wouldn't be hurt on (any, let alone) a first Christmas when money was spent on gifts for cousins but nary a card or poem or anything was thought of for his new bride. If his cousins had any class or grace they would tell him that for them, its the thought that counts and he should have saved some money on their gifts to give her something, anything.