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Need Advice. No relationship w/ inlaws. Baby on the way.
To make a long story short, I have IL issues. My ILs have hated me since me and the hubs were dating. They're scary uber conservative right wing christians and hate everybody who is different from them, and I'm... well, so not. So we never got along. His family is manipulative and have no boundaries at all, very rude, etc. My husband and I have been seeing a counselor together to help us deal with our IL issues and it has helped us a lot, but really just made them more mad at us. Since we've started trying to create boundaries with them his parents have poisoned his siblings and his aunts and uncles against him. Now nobody will talk to him and they harass me online and send me hate texts on a regular basis.
We live about 8 hours away and all contact right now is over the internet or phone, so luckily I don't have to see them a lot.
We decided that it would be easier on us if I just didn't have any relationship with them at all. (We've seriously tried everything. They are that stubborn) My husband still wants to have a relationship with them even after everything they've done to him, and he still wants our baby (I'm expecting) to have a relationship with them as well. I would NEVER want to keep my husband from being with his family, and I think that our child should be allowed to see his family sometimes. However, since his family is basically involved in a religious cult and they practically live at church, we decided that we do not want our child to have unsupervised visits with his family. No overnight visits etc. We also decided that anywhere the baby goes, I go. Meaning that if they want to see the baby or be around the baby, I have to be there. They trash talk me all the time behind my back, but they won't do it to my face. We decided that I need to be there when they are around the baby so they won't trash talk me in front of the child. Problem is, I have been officially banned from the homes of my husband's family. So I'm not sure how they expect to see the baby without allowing me to be there. I think they are hoping that I will give in and let them be alone with the baby.
So far we have done everything that the counselor has told us to do. It really sucks for my husband to be dealing with this and I wish that he didn't have to. The counselor told us that they will eventually give up and realize that if they want a relationship with him and with the baby they will have to play by our rules, but he keeps getting hurt. Who knows how long it will take for them to come around?
Is there anything else I can do?
Re: Need Advice. No relationship w/ inlaws. Baby on the way.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Stay in counseling.
You have the answer to your question. You and your H have agreed that the baby does not go somewhere that you do not go. Thus, if you cannot go to their houses, neither can your baby. It's that easy.
This. You DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE WHO TREATS YOU BADLY. Even if they are "family" or blood related. You are under absolutely no obligation to make a relationship work with people who constantly degrade, disrespect and don't acknowledge you. Please repeat the above. And talk to your counselor about it. Why would you want to subject your child to their behavior??
There is a lot going on here and it's disturbing. Sorry you're in this situation. The harassment and hateful texting is ridiculous and needs to end now. Has your H ever confronted them about this? Do you respond to the texts?
Also, I don't think it's a good idea for only your H to have a relationship with them. When your child gets old enough to understand the situation, how will you explain to them "well, mommy can't go over to Grandma and Grandpa's house because they've always hated me, but you and daddy can go by yourselves and I'll just stay here"? I don't see your H having a healthy relationship with his family if they refuse to accept his wife. You and H need to stand together on this.
The other thing - you all are actually contradicting yourselves. You agree that you shouldn't have a relationship w/ them, but you want your baby too, but your baby can't see them w/o you there.....
Huh?
You and DH really need to figure out what the two of you want. If you don't want to see his family, then don't. But if you don't want your baby to see them w/o you? Oh well, then they don't see your kid.
You and your DH REALLY have to realize that their being "family" doesn't give them any right to your child or having a relationship w/ your child.
I really, really, really don't get why you're sitting here saying "baby should see his family". WHY!?!?!?!?!?!? Why are either of you acxtually o.k w/ this?
And really, why does your DH want to see them?
Again - you all really need more counseling. This issue is SO far from being resolved.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Your husband still wants to hang around them even after they've banned you from their homes?
Wow. You've got a real prince there, honey. Hang on to this one!
Are you saying that your husband would just allow his parents to speak poorly of you in front of your child? If so, they are the least of your worries.
This.
I also do not even understand why for a second your husband would want to be around people who verbally insult his wife. Baby or no baby.
Totally off topic....but, um, ELEVEN signature badges? Especially 4 bride related ones when your wedding was almost 2.5 years ago, a military newlywed one (when again, your wedding was 2.5 years ago)...and three that basically say you are pregnant three times over? It just seems...excessive....
i agree with this 100%.
also, to relate, me and my H haven't spoken to his parents at all in about 7 years. we went the counselling route as well and eventually, my H came to the conclusion that he didn't want this dysfunctional relationship with his family. and they too, have turned all immediate family and extended family against him. sad, sure, but it's for the better. we are hapier this way.
what i'm trying to say is that "you aren't there yet" -> there being a place of understanding and peace. you both need more counselling to help you deal with this. your counsellor should have told you exactly what ECB just did - that by banning you from their house, they are essentially making it impossile for them to see your baby. you know?
It makes more sense for you and DH to stand together on this. I think more conversations on how this will play out are warranted. You are a package deal and either you are both welcome in their home or neither one of you is. Especially now that you will have a child, you need to present a united front. I can't see them re-thinking this relationship any other way. Right now, you are giving them exactly what they want. They still have a relationship with their son and they don't have to deal with you.
And do not negotiate your boundaries with the ILs. Your kid. Your rules.
ditto!
If they can't behave appropriately around the baby's mother, they do not see the baby.
Document the harrassment with hard copies to share with your counselor. You may want to consider notifying the ISP for termination if it is over the top.
And take a really hard look at the man you're married to. How can he want a relationship with people who do not accept his closest family? He has no character.
I agree with the pp.
I just wanted to add.... that when you do bring your child into the world.... Get a living Will together so that his parents don't end up with your child if something happens to you and your husband.... SERIOUSLY.... Don't put it off...
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
I never respond to their texts or harassment. i feel like its petty for them to do that and to respond gives them what they really want, which is a reaction.
I see your point about explaining it to the child. I am worried about that myself. I'm hoping that by the time the child gets old enough to understand the situation it will have gotten better... at least to the point where I can be there and they will at least be respectful of me while in front of the child.
Seriously.
How can you stay married to this man?
If he had any respect for you at all he would have cut these people out of his life. They send you hate texts, ban you from their home, yet he thinks its appropriate to continue a relationship with them? Great guy you have there.
I'd be more worried about bringing your child into a home where the father has so little regard for the mother than I would how to explain the crazy relatives to him or her.
Wow, I never really thought about it that way.
See, I don't want to have a relationship with them period, but my husband does want to have a relationship with them because he feel obligated. I have tried to explain to him that he has no obligations to them just because they are related to him, but I guess years of emotional manipulation took their toll.
My husband has been trying to make them understand that if they want to have a relationship with him then they have to play nice with me, and that's where all the problems are coming from right now. He is trying desperately to get them to stop being mean to me while still trying to have a relationship with them and its just not working. They think that the reason for him distancing himself from them is because I've told him to or some thing. They think that if they get him away from me then he will go back to "normal", which means go back to being a doormat. So instead of harassing him and sending him hate texts, they send me hate texts wanting to know why I hate them so much that I'm making my husband stay away from them.
The reason why I feel like the baby should have a relationship with its grandparents is because I'm worried that the child will grow up being like, "why don't I know my Daddy's family?" but more and more I'm starting to think that maybe it would be for the better... I don't know. I know that my dad's mom didn't like my mom but she respected her in front of me and my brother, plus all the rest of his family looooved my mom so... I don't know. Plus I don't think they will do anything to upset the baby because the baby is cute and new and little and whatever, whereas me and my husband are older and not cute anymore since we can make choices on our own and we don't wear funny little onesies and things.
You need to put this to your DH, AND you need to bring it up in counseling.
Back to "explaining" things to the child - what I'm about to say is based on my personal take that if my IL's treated me poorly, they would not see DS. That being said - all the explanation I would give is "we aren't close to that side of the family.". If the child questions/asks about why, etc, his friends are close to both sides, etc, that would lead to a "Well, not all families are the same. They are close to both sides, and that's great for them. We're not, and that's what works for us. The people we are close to all love us and care for us and that's what matters!".
No bad-mouthing involved. All said positively and w/ a smile. Your child never has to know the details of how horrible your IL's are. Or at least not until they are significantly older and perhaps start to figure some of it themselves. But while young, while in your "control", all you need to tell them is "No, we're not close to them. That's just how it is....".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Second, this is the thing about boundaries - it's really not so much about explaining things to them. THey know, they KNOW what he "wants" them to do - but obviously he can't force them. All he can do is say "As long as you do ___, I will/won't do ___"
I think if he actually said "Until you respect all of us, you will see none of us", he might actually make an impact. Right now they are getting what they want - him, their son (who they can manipulate and make feel guilty) and not you, the DIL who they hate.
It's totally win-win for them. There is NO REASON right now to be nice to you.
But still... this all goes back to they treat you like crap. Even if they "play nice", you and your DH both KNOW the truth. They.don't.like.you.
Why does he want to subject you, his wife, to them? Or his child?
Counseling, counseling, counseling. You all are a FAR way from a solution right now. SO far.
And this is also about YOU setting boundaries. Stop trying to work w/ your DH to make him feel better. Tell him in no uncertain terms "If they don't treat me w/ respect, they will not see our child". Period, end of story. Stop playing this "I have to be w/ the baby, oh but I'm not allowed over" crap. That isn't the issue here. THe issue is your DH is still so,so,SO blind to them and he isn't setting boundaries.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
My maternal grandparents were in my life briefly, up until about the age of 10, and then my mom cut them off because they were emotionally unstable and manipulative. It has not effed me up. Even though I didn't understand (entirely) back then why they were gone from our lives, I do now.
If you kid asks questions some day, you will explain to her/him that every family is a little bit different, and highlight the loving, wonderful people he does have in his life.
Your ILs are not entitled to be a part of your child's life.
Also - your H needs to figure out a way to deal with this better. He can't keep trying to be in the middle and keep everybody happy. It will never work, and will cause more resentment than I suspect it already has.
My MIL used to share some traits with yours. Every time she was upset with her son, she would take it out on me. He is perfect, of course, so if he does something wrong it must be my fault.
It's all part of what we call her 3 year old phase. She is acting out for attention. As long as you continue to give it to her, she knows it works. It's great that you ignore the texts and such, but he has to as well. By ignore them, I mean don't talk to them. As long as they treat you poorly, he cannot have a relationship with them. By maintaining his relationship with them (whether positive or negative), he is teaching them that it is ok to treat you this way.
I'm stuck on the fact that your husband needs you to be present to prevent these nutjobs from trash-talking -- about you.
HE should be the one stepping in and stopping them the very second someone says something inappropriate, or he leaves.
Get past that issue, and then I'd be willing to give you advice on how to handle this mess once the baby comes along. Like everyone else has said, I think a LOT more counseling is in order for your H.
I grew up without extended family or grandparents in my life. Both my parents had issues with their parents and various family members and they relocated a distance away. We were raised with minimal extended family. And just like EastCoastBride said, my parents explained it to us in age appropriate phrases and we were raised with the understanding that great friends can be family.
I do not agree with the idea that your baby will be lost not knowing your husband's parents. It would be completely different if all of you "agreed to disagree" in terms of lifestyle and religion, and you all got along, but that isn't the case in your situation.
I'm out of lurkdom on this one.
My MIL is a brat. I could come up with more colorful words, but they're not really appropriate nor does it much matter what I call her in my little brain. I haven't laid eyes on my in-laws in 2.5 years. They've seen our oldest daughter once. They don't know our youngest daughter exists.
At first my husband told me I could stay away from them (they don't like me because my husband is pretty laidback and go-with-the-flow, and well, to be brutal, spineless when it came to them... and stopped being so much like that when I came into the picture seriously.). I told him, point blank, if he's going to hang out with people who want to talk bad about me (and call MY parents to try and spy on me and call one of MY professors and all sorts of nutjob crap) then he can go for it, but I'm leaving.
Honestly, anyone who would sit there and let someone talk trash about their spouse isn't being "emotonally manipulated" or "abused" or whatever colorful words were used early to give him a free pass on this, they're being an asshat who doesn't respect you.
My husband and I are still together. The in-laws are long gone. He was upset about it for about two weeks.. and then he realized how nice it is to not have drama and manipulation and BS in his life. He's much much happier now.
This is an assumption that you just can't make. I think OP is more likely to know if this is possible than you are. Missing out on a family member or two will not hurt the child. The child is much more likely to experience negative effects from being put in a position of having to defend his/her mother to his/her grandmother.
How about asking how many chances OP has given the in-laws before assuming they haven't had any?