Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Need Advice. No relationship w/ inlaws. Baby on the way.
I understand what you are saying, but all you have to go on is what was posted for you to read. What if they were not telling the truth when they posted all the stuff about the ILs? I'm just saying......and will leave it at that.
You are right. She could be lying about her in-laws. Just like you said, we have nothing to go on but the information she gives us.
What makes you think she is lying?
As someone who is going through just about the same thing as OP, I completely understand where you are coming from in saying this, however, she (and I) are dealing with people who are completely irrational. I am sure OP has tried to see it from their side just as I have however when your ILs are talking crap about you to every family member, what makes you think they wont do it in front of the child.
I am hopeful for you and your family OP as well as for my own situation because I know how much it sucks to be at the receiving end of nasty, unnecessary cruelty for no reason.
I think you did get some good advice as far as boundaries but I think differently of your DH. I personally don't think you should be overly harsh on your DH. It sounds to me like he is trying and considering that this is his parents it's not that easy to say oh I'm done with you. You know these people raised him, they were his life at one point. It's not easy to just give up on them. I'm not saying he shouldn't take up for you because he definitely should. And he needs to get more firm on the conversations he has with them as well. Just don't expect him to give up on them over night it will take for that to happen. And he has to make that decision on his own. If you try and make him choice between his parents and you he may be resentful one day.
Yes you are supposed to be first and he needs to fix this situation with his parents immediately, but no I don't think it's okay to make him do that. He has to do it on his own.
baugust: I completely agree. I am going through the same situation with my MIL and that's why I said what I did about her DH.
I and DH have put off having children because I'm not ready to deal with all these worries yet. But I know for a fact my MIL talks crap about me to everyone to turn them against me. Why wouldn't she do it to my own child? Do you know how happy they would be if your own child doesn't like you?
Keep your idea, if they want to see the child they have to see you. Period end of discussion. And DH needs to facilitate this as well.
another lurker breaking out for this one.
We had similar issues a long time ago with my IL's. And the first time my FIL insulted me in front of my DH, was the last time we spoke with them. It was building up to that point for awhile, and it was getting to the point where I was ready to say it's me or them, and thankfully, w/o my having to say it, DH stepped in and has completely cut contact with his father.
I have NO issue what so ever with my child not knowing his grandfather. I don't feel bad, I don't feel guilty, and neither does DH. When people treat you like dirt, they don't deserve to be in your life, no matter if they are related to you.
I can somewhat see why your DH is hanging on, like I said, my DH did too for a bit, but at the time FIL was only being a jerk to his own son, the minute I got dragged into it, my DH stopped trying at all and flat out told him to go to hell.
If these people are as nasty as you are saying, I do not for the life of me get why you'd even want you child near them.
And if your DH can't cut the cord and start sticking up for you, then I'd be gone.
I can understand your comment. I think I might know what you mean.
No, I don't have any direct communication with them anymore, but the communication I did have with them in the past pretty much told me all I needed to know. Also, I don't need to have direct communication to know what they are saying about me when other people tell me what they've said, or when they post tings about me, or when they talk about me to my husband. My husband tells me everything and I tell him everything, and when he hears them trashing me he let's me know what they've said. A lot of times its all very covert and passive aggressive and he only realizes all the insults way after the fact. That's just the way they communicate for whatever reason.
I don't know what my ILs would do in front of my child. That's not a judgement call I can make right now. From what I have been led to believe from others they have no problem saying whatever they think in front of anybody who might happen to be there so I have no reason whatever to believe that they could be discreet around an infant, toddler, child, or teen. I certainly don't think they are intentionally hurting my husband and I also don't think they would intentionally hurt my child, but whether they are meaning to or not it is happening.
As I stated before, I have never had any intention of withholding my child or my husband from his family. It is my husband's choice to have relationships with the people he chooses to have relationships with. However unsuitable or unhealthy I might think they are... I suppose I could try to control his actions if I wanted to, but in the end I believe that he would only resent me for that. I love him to much to try to tell him how to live his life. He is a grown man and if he chooses to distance himself from his family in order to stay out of the drama, then good for him. If he wants to continue to be a doormat for the rest of his life then I guess I'll have to continue to be a listening ear to him for as long as he wants me to be. I'm at peace with my relationship with them being over, but I am not at peace with them hurting my husband. I wish there was more that I could do but based off of the opinions of the people who have commented here, we obviously have a long way to go. My husband might need years of counseling to help him deal with the emotional trauma he's suffered due to defective parenting. I can only be there for him while he deals with that in his own way.