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1st post here :-(
So, my husband and I have always had issues. We had issues before we got married. We probably shouldn't have gotten married. My bad.
He never stood up for me in front of his family. He doesn't really stand up for me in front of my family.
This weekend was the worst. My BFF and I have always been competitive and when I got married first, she attempted to ruin my shower and wedding. I didn't do that to her. I planned her bachelorette party, made her a cake, ran around like a madwoman at the rehearsal dinner but I was sick the day of her shower.
SO, my friend was getting married on Sunday. On Saturday night, I find out that she lied to me about who was walking her down the aisle. I am very much a feminist and didn't want to stand up there when her dad was giving her away to her husband, their ceremony literally hand delivered and used very sexist language. BUT, it was her day and I just wanted to be a guest.
ALL would have been fine if her parents (not even her) hadn't gone psycho. Her father told me over and over again that women were less than men, they were not equal, fathers basically owned their daughters and now husbands basically own their lives. Therefore, he was happy his daughter had given him the 'respect' he deserved by letting him alone walk her down the aisle.
He starts yelling all this at me and her mom starts saying I've always had issues, always been a liar (my BFF, her daughter, is the one that's a pathological liar, always been), that I skipped the shower because I have issues, and that I'm......... The problem is, just like every time before, my husband stands there and doesn't stand up for me. Maybe he doesn't agree that I didn't want to stand up there but he can't verify I was sick the day of the shower, confirm all the work I did on the bachelorette party? He's actually apologizing to my friend, who is backing up all her mom says, of course.
This seems to be his personality and I don't believe this is something that can be changed or worked on in therapy (we already are). I need someone who can back me up when people are yelling at me for no reason (my family), attempting to control our wedding (his father), lie about me (my BFF's mom), or tell me I'm less than a man (my BFF's dad)!!!! Opinions? TIA!
Re: 1st post here :-(
Oh, and we've been married about a year and a half.
We were together a year before we got married.
This is where I stopped.
This is just one example.
I've stood up for him, when he hasn't been 100% right, because he's my husband. If someone is saying lies about him, I correct them. If someone tells him he's beneath them, I would object.
He doesn't.
I agree. I wanted to get married for the sake of getting married. I love being married.
I just don't love being married to him.
First and foremost, I know how to stick up for myself and I don't need my H do fight my battles.
Secondly, even though I can defend myself, I do expect H to be supportive of me. I also expect him to tell me when I am wrong (albeit when we're alone and not in front of other people).
Now, this was a clusterfuuck going in, apparently, and you knew it. Yet, you still tried to martyr yourself.
If your BFF was a diick to you, there was no reason (in my mind) that you should have stayed friends with her, let alone done all this shiit for her for her wedding. Barring a major apology and lots of making up, you should have cut the cord.
All of that being said, and if you still were persuaded to attend the wedding, you should have flipped the bird at your BFF's mom and then left.
You want your H to stand up for you? Fine, he should. But you need to learn to stand up for yourself, first.
It's not your H's job to make sure you're not treated like a doormat.
I think you really, REALLY need to get into counseling for yourself.
This person is NOT your BFF and your H is, well, a major dud.
I think you need to find out why you consider someone who treats you like crap a "BFF" and why you married someone you knew you weren't compatible with. This screams to me that you have self-esteem issues. Big ones.
I'd also consider dumping them both. There's too much drama there and way too much overhead. Unless, you know, you like drama and all but being spat upon.
Thank you. I agree. I am starting individual counseling myself.
This woman, the bride - we've been friends since we were 5 (19 years) and I was having a hard time cutting her out of my life. I guess this 'clusterfuck' (LOL) was just what I needed to get her out of my life.
And, I was definitely standing up for myself. I just expect/want him to back me up.
Do you think that's something that can be worked on in counseling?
If you don't think you should be married to your husband, it is time to end the marriage for his sake if not for yours.
It is not his job to stand up for you in front of your family. It is your job to handle your family. It is his job to handle his family.
As for your BFF's family, that's on you. What this scene actually at her wedding, by the way? You should know that it is none of your business how she decides to conduct her marriage ceremony. If you support the marriage, you smile and say congrats and try to have a good time. If you don't, you stay home. Period.
Counseling helps, but because you said in your OP that you "shouldn't have gotten married" I have my doubts about how that will work for you.
Care you expand on why you shouldn't have gotten married?
The reason why I think we shouldn't have gotten married is because we were having issues BEFORE the wedding. We fought like every couple when we were dating and living together. However, once we got engaged, we started having wedding-related problems with families (as usual).
But, he never backed me up - it was always me, alone, fighting for what WE agreed to while he stood, silent, on the sidelines.
I dropped out because she lied to me about the way the ceremony would be. She knew I wouldn't stand up and support an extremely sexist ceremony so she held it till the night before.
I'm not really mad at my friend - I'm indifferent.
I'm sad that my husband never backs me up.
You knew all this before you got married. What were you expecting to change?
I was stupid. Silly. Naive.
I wanted to get married, get married to anyone.
I guess my question is if this is a personality trait that can be worked on - the decisions to not back your partner up?
And, I know the answer already - no.
I guess I'm just looking for some support since I would normally talk to my BFF but.........yeah.
That sums up why I broke off my engagement. Period. I give you credit for dealing with it for this long. I couldn't do it.
Only you could add that he not only did not stand up for me or himself in front of his own famiy, but he didn't even like his own family and said very bad things about them to me and my family... go figure.
I wish. :-(
Ugh, that sucks. That doesn't make sense.
He at least made sense, he really loved that side of his family (who I thought were d!cks) but he didn't love his mom's side (who are great!).
Was it really hard to break off the engagement?
I agree.
Thanks.
I'm sorry but I don't know who the fuuk you are to open your mouth and be all butthurt by who your BFF decided to let her give her away. You might think it an archaic and backwards thing to do but it's her wedding and she had the right to decide. In fact, I'm willing to bet money it's your mouth that started this whole business and if I was your BFF, I'd never speak to your obnoxious ass ever again.
I mean really, how effin' dare you?
You feel like she lied to you? And that her choice hurt all womenkind?
SHUT UP AND GET OVER YOURSELF!
Andalsoplus, get a new husband. Clearly he's not the guy for you, especially if bullshiit like this hurts your delicate, Gloria Steinem on shrooms sensibilities to the point that you expect people to support you instead of being flabberghasted by such an extreme over-reaction to someone's life decisions.
Click me, click me!
Excuse me but I did NOT ask her to change her wedding.
HOWEVER, as you so politely pointed out - everything has the right to make their own decisions and MY decision was to NOT stand up and support this archaic wedding.
That IS my right as it is HER right to have her wedding the way she wants.
The problem is my husband did not stand up for me when her mother starts sprouting lies about me and her father starts telling me I am worth less than my husband.
Yes, that IS a problem and I don't care whether she wants to talk to me, I do not wish to talk to her. The problem here is my husband so please, stay on topic.
How can you claim to be such a staunch feminist yet you expect your husband to speak for you and help you fight the battles that you started?
And, if I was your BFF and you decided to throw a bitchfit over who gave me away on MY wedding day, I wouldn't give two shits about you not wanting to "stand by me."
If this isn't MUD, here goes:
I am queen feminist---gender studies major in college, teach college courses in sex, gender, and inequality, etc.
BUT as a reasonable human being, I understand cultural relativity. I've stood up for my friends in religious ceremonies when I wasn't a part of that religion (and, in fact, thought some of the beliefs were just flat out wrong.) I've stood up for friends (and celebrated their happiness in a genuine way!) when they've had babies in what I consider to be less than ideal circumstances. I've stood up for friends when I knew in my heart that they'd later (hopefully!) be divorcing the jerks they were marrying. You know why? Because my job is to support my friends in THEIR life choices, not impose my own desires on their choices. If I can't deal with those choices, we shouldn't be friends. We both deserve better.
Ok, here's a question on your desired topic: did you take his last name when you got married?
Maybe you're a stronger person than me.
I guess I see a difference between attending my friend's archaic wedding ceremony and standing up there, holding her bouquet, fluffing her dress, and smiling for the photogs. One way, attending, is supporting her in getting married and one way, standing up there, is supporting everything that's going on.
I couldn't do it, I was physically sick at the thought.
I hyphenated, although I wasn't thrilled at any of my choices.
To me - being a feminist means believing in equality.
And, an equal marriage would entail the wife standing up behind her husband AND the husband standing up behind his wife. We support each other.
I don't think she did care. Obviously, her parents did. But, again, not the point.