Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: 1st post here :-(
So he hyphenated and added your name as well?
I think it's complete bullshiit that you thought that you could dictate how you're BFF conducted her marriage ceremony. Key words: HER marriage ceremony.
On that example, I don't think YH should've backed you up bc you were clearly wrong. Should he have expressed this to you later on in private, yes. For that he was wrong.
As far as family goes, you are a grown woman and should handle your own family. My dad has a nasty habit of getting drunk and insulting me. I expect MH to stand up for me, not bc he's MH, but bc that's just the type of person he is. However, I don't get mad at him if he doesn't. I have been handling my father for years on my own so I got it and I can take care of the situation.
As far as his family goes, he needs to have a sit down with them. Yeah they may not like you but you are his wife and they need to accept that and at least be civil. They don't have to be all bff with you but at least be an adult about the situation. However, you need to stand up for yourself in a respectful manner too.
But..., this is what happens when you rush into a marriage and don't think about the person you're with. Forgive me for saying so, but you're coming off with a very bulllshit sense of entitlement, like you just do whatever you want and then get all butthurt when someone calls you out for being wrong. Then, to top it off, you expect someone to clean it up for you.
You should definitely check out individual therapy..like...yesterday. You could possibly work on the issues with YH in marriage counseling, but it sounds like you have a boatload of your own issues to sort out.
Honestly, you're an uptight little pill who probably looks for reasons to be offended.
I find it fuuking hilarious that you're such a feminist that you'd spout off at your friend's wedding to the point where it makes you physically ill to stand up for your friend. BUT you're pissed off that your husband didn't speak for you.
Uhm, you're special.
Really fuuking special.
Click me, click me!
If I was married to a woman, I would expect HER to stand up for me.
I would ALWAYS stand up for my husband, if I was him, I would expect him to expect ME to stand up for him.
Therefore, that's being there for your partner - never mind the genders - not sexism.
Nope, which is a problem we've been talking about.
So you would defend him when he was wrong for sticking his nose where it doesn't belong? Yep, definitely special.
I didn't expect her to change her wedding. I just didn't expect her to lie. Her lying is what led me to back out at the last minute because if she had told me this over the two year long engagement, she knew I would back out. So, she brought that backing out at the last minute thing on herself.
But, yes, I expect MH to back me up - with my friends, family, etc.
I back MH up - with friends, family, etc.
Therein lies the problem - the inequality of it all.
I don't expect him to defend me - although I was simply making my own decision, as you pointed out that everyone has the right to do.
I expected him to say that her mom was lying - that I was sick the day of the shower, to testify that I worked very hard on her bachelorette party and the cake, that I was running around all day for her, etc. But, no, he's standing there, apologizing.
Was he apologizing when he was letting his family rain all over OUR wedding? No.
We were friends for 19 years, since we were 5, and I had trouble cutting her out of my life.
Unless you had a problem with the man your friend was marrying or their relationship in general, you're a terrible friend and I'd be glad to have you out of my life.
A ceremony doesn't make a marriage. People do. You need to learn to look at the bigger picture and not to dwell on your own shiit.
This.....and why should YOUR opinions dictate what someone else does with her wedding? Bullsh!t.
So you back out on your BBF's wedding at the last minute because you think it's so terribly important for you to not support her in the ceremony she wanted because she wanted her dad to walk her down the aisle, but you've stayed *married* to someone that doesn't agree with your ever-so important views? Apparently your BFFs life choices have more importance to you than your own life choices do? What a fricking hypocrite you are.
I hope your ex-BFF had a wonderful wedding despite your hysterics and complete assphatery and lives a happy life without you, and your hypocrisy, in her life.
More and more convinced that this is MUD, but fun to play along nonetheless...
Question- do you have other friends who have other ideological differences (different political beliefs you really believe in, different religious beliefs from those you really believe in, etc.?)
I think we all have our lines. I couldn't be friends with someone I consider to be a true sexist, and, so, for me, the question would be: does my friend view the "giving away" as a cute tradition that she's imagined since she was 5 or does she view it as literally being passed as chattel from her father to husband? The first, I could support. The second, well...we just wouldn't have enough in common to be friends, regardless of how long we've known one another.
BUT I also think you need to examine times in which you've made compromises (e.g., you modifying your last name but not marrying a man who does) and figure out why those weren't the hill to die on but this was. Why did you "sell out" but it's not ok for her to?
I hope you'll also consider that there's a time and place for confrontations and the eve of someone's wedding isn't that time or place. That's not being a good woman or a good feminist---that's not being a good human being. So, if you truly can't support that kind of marriage, when you bow out gracefull (in private, I hope!) and mom starts yelling at you that you're a lying ***, you quietly say, "We obviously have two different truths. I wish you the best tomorrow" to the bride, then walk away. If you absolutely MUST have the last word on a topic which you'll never agree, you do it a month later post-wedding. It's jerky for her to lie, but you don't compound the jerkiness by engaging.
Again, missing the point.
But, anyways, I didn't expect her to change her wedding to suit me. I just didn't want to be in it. And, I had every right to bow out.
And, I had every right to expect my husband to back me up when I am being yelled at and lied about.
You know what all these people have in common?
You.
It's time to get over yourself, you sound like a petulant child (but, really, what do you expect from someone who rushed into a marriage at the age of 22/23?). Just had to have that pretty princess day, huh Ms. High and Mighty?
I predict a very lonely life for you. Hope those smug, hypocritical ideals keep you warm at night.
ETA: And I wouldn't defend you either. My guess is your H spends most of his time apologizing for your head-in-ass syndrome. Poor guy is probably embarrassed that you act with so little class and propriety.
And please stop excusing your azzhole behavior as feminism. It gives feminism a bad name.
You have an H problem.
Your friend's dad is a douchebag but your H is the problem here. He needed to go to bat for you and tell your friend's father to pipe down and shut his trap.
Exactly. I'm not really writing about being upset with my friend or her parents. It is what it is with them.
My problem is my husband. I guess I was trying to figure out if this problem could be fixed.
Exactly. I'm not really writing about being upset with my friend or her parents. It is what it is with them.
My problem is my husband. I guess I was trying to figure out if this problem could be fixed.
If he's always been spineless when it comes to you, forget it, sis: he always will be.
And if you did indeed start this little face to face, he should also be man enough to be able to stand up to you and tell you that you were the one who started the disagreement and that you should be a woman and admit you're wrong.
Oh, yeah, he can stand up to me - no problem. Does it ALL the time, sometimes - I think - just for the fun of it.
He simply can't stand up to anyone else - whether it's in MY defense, HIS defense, or the dog's defense.
So..........you are a super uber-feminist who wanted to get married so badly, to anyone, it didn't matter to who?
REALLY?
I honestly don't get why anyone here is slamming your husband, I actually feel sorry for him. If you don't want to be married to him, then for fuuk's sake divorce him. But him not sticking up for you when you're clearly behaving like a crazy lunatic doesn't make him a bad guy.
A million times this. Stand up for yourself and then get over yourself.
Lurker here, couldn't resist. If that were true then why was the first 3/4 of your post solely about your BFF, her wedding, her family, etc. and only a very tiny bit at the bottom about your husband? I was totally confused when writing this because the problems you are outlining have very little if nothing at all to do with your husband.
As for him not backing you up - (I do agree with PP's - if you are such an uber feminist then why do you need a man to back you up at all?) I don't expect my husband to back me up when I am wrong either, and I think that you were not only wrong in this situation, but that you handled it remarkably poorly.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
This x1000.
OP, are you crazy? You told your friend you'd be there for her on her big day. That means you support her, even if it's not the ceremony you'd choose. If you don't like the way she wants to do it, don't be in the wedding! I also agree with HS that you probably had more to do with the confrontation than you let on. You used feminism as an excuse to be a rude heifer to your friend.
I don't think you should be angry with your H here. I wouldn't intervene if my H was being a butthole. I'd also call my friend and apologize for trying to dictate her day. From now on, if you don't get along with her parents, don't be around them. And finally, if you don't like the way people run their lives, then remove yourself. It's awfully haughty of you to think your friend should have to run decisions by you for approval before she makes the final decision.
.............
Marriage is a 70+ year commitment, to ONE person, probably the most important decision of your adult years- this person will impact you financially, and career wise, they will influence your spiritual/religious practices, family, children, educational pursuits and goals, retirement plan, travel plans or lack thereof- they will influence/enhance/change everything that is important in your life and you got married to a random person because you liked the idea of it....
Good luck with that.
Wow, a feminist who was so obsessed with having a pretty princess day that she didn't bother to marry someone who shared her values and beliefs? Now I've seen everything. In your own relationship, you've compromised your stated beliefs from day one, yet you took it upon yourself to make a big stink about the choices of someone else? A friend, no less? And it's somehow all your husband's fault? You're not doing feminism correctly.
Everything about your situation is an absolute mess. You need to talk to a mental health professional, not strangers on the internet. And read some bell hooks or something.