Trouble in Paradise
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: "but the first year of marriage is so hard..."
Marriage is not the problem, it is your relationship.
I bolded this for emphasis. You answered your own question with this statement.
The first year of marriage can be tough BUT nowhere near as tough as it has been for you guys.
It's okay to be done with it and don't ever let anyone else tell you how to feel about your decision. Make yourself happy.
Smock just did something good...
Sara, go back and read your previous posts about your H. Then come back to us and tell us that he's just such a great guy who is misunderstood and all of this can be chalked up to first year jitters.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
This is exactly what broke the camels back. I needed my husband more than anything not too long ago and no matter what he did, it just didn't bring me the closure or security I needed. He just didn't know how to be the support I needed and it really shook me to my core that if he can't help me in my most desperate time (since he and I were together, this was the hardest thing I've faced) then he can't possible get me through this life that will bring even harder things for me to face.
Right, and that's the key. OP, life is hard, and your marriage shouldn't make it harder.
This is the key. If you have to keep breaking up, the relationship does not work. It's as simple as that.
I'm sure it's normal to have doubts about whether you're doing the right thing when you make the big decision to divorce. In this case, I think you just need to disregard your doubts. A square peg does not fit in a round hole, and the people trying to tell you otherwise are idiots.
I'm curious: who initiated the past breakups, and why did you always get back together?
Please understand that I do not want to. It's not in my heart to second guess this or make reasons/excuses of why, etc. In my heart I want to leave, but suddenly this outside comments and things have my mind racing that maybe I'm making a mistake.
I'm allowing other people and their personal experiences/opinions get the best of me. If this isn't my biggest flaw... shiit. I'm so mad at myself for this.
I wondered this as well!! It's like a blanket excuse that's way over-used!
I'd like to tell you a story.
I was engaged once to a man who was nice, a giant mama's boy, but he was nice. We had the entire wedding planned, all the deposits made and everything ready to go and I decided I could not marry him because I was not happy.
I called my mother and said, "Mom, I do not think I want to get married. I am very unhappy."
My mother said to me, "Well doglove, FI is a very nice person and I think you need to keep working at this relationship until you feel happy, you are lucky to find a caring person."
Me: "Mom, I can only do so much work to "fix" things when he does nothing."
Mom: "Well, I think you just need to keep at it."
And I had two similar conversations with my sisters. I was very discouraged and thought something was WRONG WITH ME. I knew nothing would change and that he would not change and I could not go through with the wedding/marriage. Luckily, I had my father's support. He had been through a divorce before he married my mother and when I expressed how I felt, he told me that leaving now was the best option because it would only be harder later.
It is very very difficult when your family disregards and discounts your feelings. It does not make them right. You need to seek out support in people you know you can trust. Friends, a therapist, a support group, whatever works best for you. Please trust your gut as well. You are the only one who completely understands your situation and knows yourself best.
Just wanted to share this link:
http://www.womansdivorce.com/emotional-stages-of-divorce.html
Part of me could agree with you. My mom is insecure and I do find myself thinking that I never want to be like her. I've told my dad numerous times that I could never have been married to him. She takes a lot of crap and has taken a lot of crap over the years. Ah. Even writing this out loud makes me realize that it's her broken-hearted stories that make her think it's ok how my husband treats me. Ugh.
But it doesn't make it the right advice.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with you. I do. I want someone that picks me up, makes me feel like I could take on the world.. not that makes me feel like the whole world is against me. You're right. You're all right. It's not first year bullshiit. It's a failed marriage.
Someone said here before that the person you're dating will be the exact same person when you marry them. I feel like that is so simple, yet somehow I missed that memo. I don't know why I was convinced that getting married would add that extra bond we needed. What an assshole.
The right person will make your life easier, happier, and more fulfilling.
The wrong person will drag you down and make you feel like a failure.
The good news is, you make your own happiness. You can choose which people to keep in your life and which people don't deserve your time and effort.
I think you're just getting cold feet because this is a big change and like ECB said, people are encouraging you to just stick to the status quo because it's what THEY are comfortable with. I'm echoing my previous post, but those people don't have to be married to him. You need to do what's best for Sara and forget about everyone else's opinion.
Um, she's already married to the guy and trying to divorce him, and her mom is trying to convince her to stay in the marriage. I'm not sure how that's code for "You should dump the _asshole".
Well, no. That was the first time he ever did anything like that so I didn't have that big of a red flag prior to getting married. Yes, I realize he's still a d-bag for doing this now. I just wanted to be clear that this was not something he had done before getting married.
I guess that's true anyway. So, it doesn't even really matter how we got to this point. It just matters that we're in a shiitty spot and we both need out of it.
That's where I'm still missing something. I keep letting other people in and influence me and actually make me sit here and wonder if I'm wrong. I can't stand on my own two feet and it's really starting to kill me. Obviously I'm still leaning on what other people are telling me to be the correct response, and that's quite frankly what got me into this mess. I let others convice me of why I should be married to him even though I doubted it all the time. I feel so stupid, honestly. And knowing that I'm still doing it is embarrassing.
No, imoan. I do not want to say that. I do not in my heart feel that. I am hearing things along those lines from other people and that is what's causing my stress and causing me to second guess. I am not defending him or trying to chalk anything up. I am trying to sort through what others have fed my brain this weekend.
And this is why you need to get into therapy.
I broke up with him every time. I know, I know. This just adds more to the "I'm an assshole" list. We always got back together.. hmm.. I felt bad then too. I thought maybe we could make it work. I thought that maybe since I had flaws too that I shouldn't be so hard on him for the things he chose to do to me. Wow. How embarrassing that my four year relationship is exactly indicative of this marriage. I'm an assshole, really.
I don't know how the f I let myself get here. I don't know what the helll I was thinking when I decided that marrying him was going to be okay. What is my underlying issue? What is wrong with me that I would let this happen?
I could have written that story, except that I have one brother. No lie I just found myself saying YES to your story. I didn't have my dad say that to me though. My dad is more reserved and even though he told me to do whatever I thought was right, I let others dictate to me what was right so I was convinced that it's what I wanted. Convinced enough to convince my dad. Sucks.
Um, no, it adds more to the "HE'S an _asshole" list. You clearly did not want to be with him, and he just didn't care because he's selfish. The fact that you think you're the _asshole in all of this is astounding.
Very true. I can absolutely see this.
It scares me to admit that I feel so much better. I do not come home and immediately feel stressed. I feel like I can finally think straight. I miss him when I'm lonely in general, but I am smart enough to realize that I'm just bored and lonely, not missing my husband.
You're right. I have to just do it. This isn't going to get any easier on me and in order for me to have a successful relationship at some point in my life I need to figure out what the helll allowed me to even get here. I hate admitting that I need help.