Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: "but the first year of marriage is so hard..."
Please go read what I wrote to SpanishMandi a few posts down. I wrote it to her (obvs), but you can apply it to yourself too.
And if the first year of marriage is hard, it should be because of external things (job loss, health issues, etc.), not because of internal things (he's a raging douche).
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
sure they do imoan when a couple is sooo innn loooooveee
Here's the thing. A guy doesn't have to be a complete and utter dickbag to be divorceable. He could be a very nice person, a good son, a friendly coworker, but that doesn't make him the right man for you. You don't have to hate him to not want to be married to him. Other people may think he's very nice, and that's all well and good, but that doesn't mean he's a good husband for you.
I think I'm the assshole because I had every signal needed. I should have been able to stand up and say that this is not what I want and that's it. Instead I'm sitting here almost divorced and feeling defeated. That's why I think I'm the assshole. I could have prevented all of this myself if I had been strong enough to voice my opinion and stick to it.
I worked for a woman that postponed her wedding 2 times before she actually got married, her mother wouldn't have liked her H. Within the first 6 months of marriage she could tell it wasnt going to last and proceeded to file for divorce, right before it was finalized about 11 months into her marriage she decided to try her marriage again and then 6 months after that she again to separate because it wasnt working. 4 years later she divorced, wished she had never married him and or followed through with her initial divorce.
My point being is that you should follow through with your divorce. Your marriage shouldnt be hard the first year when there havent been major stressors. Imoan's H is the example of what a good spouse will do when times get hard.
Oh and the coddling her needs to STOP now, this is effing ridiculous.
I somehow sadly thought that though mags. I really did. I thought that we would have this husband and wife relationship that somehow made us better than the couple we were as fiances. If that's not a cry for help to the first therapist that will listen to me. Geez.
When I asked who initiated the breakups, I predicted that you would say you had. And let me guess: he always initiated the getting back together, with a paradoxical mix of begging you to give it another chance because he just couldn't live without you and numerous reminders that nobody else would want you and he was your best and only option.
Your husband is a manipulative person who chose you because he could walk all over you. It's time to show him that he's wrong.
And I agree with you. The fact that I wanted a child sooner rather than later and he wants them way later - well that's an issue but it doesn't make him or I d-bags. The other crap is what really crosses that line that just should not happen in a healthy relationship.
Yes, you made some unfortunate choices - getting back with him repeatedly, marrying him - this is true. BUT you're not an azzhole and beating yourself up about it isn't going to help you. What will help is getting into therapy to help get you through this, and help you learn how to make better, more empowered choices when you eventually start dating again. You need to learn to trust your gut and not go against your instincts, not let other people's ridiculous opinions sway what you know to be right for you, and so forth.
I had lots of signals too and was not strong enough to say "no" before I got married. I had moments throughout my engagement, then both the night before and the day of my wedding that made me think - RUN - but I didn't. The best we can do is learn from the mistake and work to correct it and not make it again.
Yes, but it is a cry for help that you continue to ignore! You have made excuse after excuse for not goingto a therapist..."i know i know" get off your fuking computer and make a fuking appt with someone NOW! not tomorrow NOW. Really no one is going to help you but yourself and you just keep refusing to do it for yourself. The 20000 replies have all said the same thing, but you stll havent done it. I do not know how another 10000 responses is going to change that.
You know what you need to do, but you are choosing not to. So, what else can these girls do for you?
I think what you have to keep in perspective is the fact that the majority of people look think divorce equals failure.
And you have to continually remind yourself that it is not.
In their eyes (which, who cares how they look at it anyway, right?), getting a divorce means you've failed.
I would beg to differ and go on to say that you have made it very clear that you and your happiness are more important than going on with a farce.
Do not let anyone persuade you that "the first year of marriage is hard." It isn't.
That is basically the path I am on. We broke up during our relationship, but tried to make it work. We broke up during our engagement, but tried to make things work. We already broke up in our marriage, but tried to make things work. I'm now almost 5 years deep into this when I should have recognized it and walked away back then. I don't want to keep banging my head against the wall on this. It obviously will not change.
Well, that's somewhat true. At the same time, if the way people close to you have reacted to this situation is typical of them, it's not surprising that you've grown up not to trust your feelings and feel confident expressing yourself. If people have always given you the idea that what you want doesn't matter, and that everyone but you knows what's best for you, and you grew up with a father who didn't treat your mother very well, it's pretty predictable that you would end up in a marriage with a man who disregards your feelings and doesn't really see you as a partner.
None of that is anything to be ashamed of. We all have our baggage and we've all allowed ourselves to be treated poorly at some point. The good news is that you can choose to make things different. You don't have to let the past define you. But it's not just going to happen on its own- you have to make it happen.
He did initiate getting back together, but more along the lines of giving it another chance, can't live without you. He didn't start the "nobody will treat you the way I do" until we were married.
I think his insecurities make him push me down so that he feels better about himself. Because whenever I'm right, he one ups me, or if I have a great idea, he says he was just thinking that lol Wow.
I can't take it anymore. This post is giving me a headache.
You are about 3 seconds away from making my head explode. Seriously and its only 9:50 in the morning.
I dont get why you are pondering this. Move on with your life, you will find someone that you love every day and is the right match for you. You shouldn't wake up every day forcing yourself to love someone, it should just happen.
You're right. I don't feel comfortable admitting that I need help because it makes me feel like I'm the one who messed this all up. I realize that I need to put this in a professionals hands. You're right. I'll do my research and get an appointment. I know I need it and you're right, I'm only delaying my own help.
Well, he is right about one thing: nobody else will treat you the way he does. Which is exactly why you need to leave.
Don't be embarrassed to get help. It's not an admission that everything is your fault. It's taking responsibility for your own life and your own happiness, and there's nothing to be ashamed of in that. Keeping yourself trapped in this marriage and not asking for help when you need it would be the real failure.
Thank you all for your patience with me!
Me too.
Sara0, don't change your mind. You can do this.
For me, the first year of living together was tougher...
In your case, I think you should just b!tch slap your friends and family. Your situation was not as simple as you needing to try harder to make things work. YH has major character flaws and sure, in time he could change, but you shouldn't be around just waiting for it to happen. You need to live your life in what will make you happy right now. A relationship shouldn't start out as an investment into thinking someone can change and grow.
If anyone will even read this, I did my research on my lunch break. I had to search neurology to get down to what I wanted, but there are apparently no therapists in my network from 35 miles. The closests ones in the search are at least 45 minute drives.
Am I doing something wrong?? Don't you start with your insurance and find a provider, or am I supposed to be calling local people and asking if they use my insurance?
I had to search funny to find them, too, and I found it very confusing.
I had to actually search under a different "category" of doctors because therapists/counselors are mental health professionals, not physical health professionals. Check with HR (if your insurance is via your job), or call your insurance company directly (if you subscribe independently).
There is more than one way to find a therapist. If you have comfortable doctor, you can make an appointment with him and he can refer you to his recommended therapists. You can go to your insurance help line or website and they can direct you to their therapists. Or you can find one on a therapist website you are comfortable with. What state do you live in?
I know I am late to this, but I just have to point out that you are doing the right thing. This marriage will only get worse, and worse and worse until you end it. He sounds like a tool in a douchecanoe with a twattwaffle.
Unfortuntaly, I'm on my husbands benefits. I went through the website to locate a physician, but no luck. Even after I just dug into the ones that came up, it's not wha I'm looking for. Maybe I can try by mental health. I'll see what that gives me.
Didn't you tell us before that you lived at home until you moved in with him and that your parents didn't let you make any/many choices of your own?
Well, THAT would be why you don't trust your gut and why you rely on everyone else to tell you what to do. By your parents dictating your life (I'm sure they meant well in some twisted fashion) they have removed your decision-making ability and your self-confidence to make good decisions and stand by them.
So, yeah, that's how you got "here".