Family Matters
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: SIL and his ex!
Your problem here isn't really the ex-girlfriends or your SIL, it's that you and your husband are both complete dumbasses. There are no circumstances under which marrying someone you've been dating for a month is a good idea. Even if this particular situation gets resolved to your satisfaction, you will always have problems in your life because you make bad decisions and do stupid things.
In my experience, guys who are hell-bent on getting engaged or married very early in the relationship are always trying to lock the woman down before she finds out who he really is. Always. It doesn't seem that military involvement makes an exception to this rule.
Get out now. If you'd only been dating him six months, this would be the time you'd break up. He's counting on the fact that he slapped a ring on it preventing you from doing this. Don't let him be right.
Yeah, I sort of missed the sarcasm. Sometimes I don't get it through the written text. Hell, sometimes I don't get it through the spoken word.
And some people definitely don't have HS diplomas. And they are dumb. It's not hard to get a GED, at the very least.
::head/desk:: for this whole post. you made your bed, now you sleep in it. or you can go back, get a divorce or annulment and correct this huge error you made.
your lessons from all of this: dont marry out of convenience or hastily. you see where it gets you. dont involve family in your issues.
and for crying out loud-stop giving excuses-he and the neighbor were talking about exs so he unblocked her. god almighty. he's leading you down the path here isn't he? if he didn't want to talk toher (as he agreed apparently) you woudln't HAVE to block everything would you?
wow you found a winner. congrats.
LOL!!!!!!
No amount of education could convince Betty to be nice to possums
This is a terrible situation. :-(
It sounds to me like you've married into a douch-y family. Your husband is a douche for ignoring your feelings and clearly overstepping boundaries talking to his ex and your SIL's a douche for inviting his ex over to their parents' house, knowing he'd be staying there.
It also sounds like trust is gonna be an issue for as long as you're married. He doesn't appear to care, either.
I agree with this suggestion.
I was using it sarcastically as well, but didn't do that great of a job of it. Getting married after 1 month of dating just seems like a high schoolers decision, that's what I was getting at.
I don't know if you'll be able to read my post, and please PM me if you need to talk.
Your issues have nothing to do with the military, your SIL, or your H's ex's...they have to do with your H. I know its hard to accept something like this, but its true. I was in a relationship similar to yours, however I wasn't in a marriage - I was engaged.
A man like this needs constant women in his life to keep him secure, he will never be happy in a relationship he is in, until he is happy with himself and you CANNOT bring him to this "happy place." He has to do it on his own. I was with a man for 3 years, and engaged to him (he was once in the military as well)...I tried every which way to Sunday to have him change his ways - I blamed it on the women he chose to have in his life (ex's) - but in reality its him. I broke it off with my exF, because he couldn't. Maybe he didn't have the heart..I believe he did love me enough to want to marry me...but I couldn't live with the constant competition for his heart - I never felt like I was enough for him. DH (who was once in the military) is exactly the opposite of exF, he is everything that exF probably hoped he could become one day (emotional security-wise), but didn't know how to get there. Never do I feel any doubt with DH, nor do I feel like his ex's hold a candle in his heart above me. Do I feel that there is always a place for them in his heart? Yes, but its a different feeling when I talk to DH about his ex's, then when I used to talk to exF about his...in the past I always felt like there was a competition for his heart, but never could I've won - if that makes any sense.
Some people are in a position to speak to an ex in good graces, with genuine concern for their well being. Others wish to cut ties completely. DH has spoken to ex's...but its more to say, "hey. how are you?" Me? I cut ties. However that being said, never do I feel like DH has a roaming eye with them...I never feel I will lose him to them.
You can't lose someone - they want to leave but are unwilling to make the decision to do so. Not sure why they feel this way, maybe its due to a need to always feel like they aren't good enough for you - so they search, but want to have their cake and eat it too. The signs are always there, you just have to be willing to see them. Letters that are hidden, that contain intimate topics that border an underlying relationship other than friendship...secret calls late at night that are hidden, and when confronted, they will still try to hide...a feeling deep inside of you that him traveling to other places will only bring ex's closer to your H...
I understand its a difficult situation because you are married, but you have to take a deep look and go, "Am I willing to accept this behavior for the rest of my life?" He may change, but the chances of changing in this "type" of situation is very low...he needs to make the conscious effort to do so, and you cannot make him. I beg for you not to bring children into the mix, because it will only be harder on them if one day you decide to leave.
PS:
DH and I met in middle school, hadn't seen each other in 10 years and moved in together within the first week of seeing each other. Next year will be our 5 year wedding anniversary, we have been together for 7 years total. IMHO, moving in with each other after a month isn't the "issue" here...it depends on the couple.
IMHO there are more underlying issues in this relationship.
Unrelated but still slightly similar, my H had a serious porn problem before we got married...as in would wait for me to go to bed, or go to a friends, or for him to get home earlier then I did...and would troll the internet for porn in my absence. He was also a member of a dating site and once - really early in the relationship - I found he had been messaging girls asking for their phone numbers saying he wanted to talk to them...
I know a lot of women are totally okay with the porn stuff but I am 100% not at all. We fought about it a couple times (re: the dating site I totally packed up my stuff from his house...which was all of one grocery bag or something because I just left some stuff there in case I stayed over) and he seemed to have finally gotten the hint until one day I went to my friends and when I came home and went to go to bed I noticed the computer monitor was on. (His old computer was in our room and had been unhooked for ages because we were using my laptop.) I was immediately suspicious because I know his old comp has a whooooole lotta porn on it and when I went to shut the monitor off there was...hand cream? I think?...on the mouse.
I completely snapped. He said he was only doing it cause he really needed "some relief" which I told him was complete bull as I had never said no and it's never happened since...
Maybe you should just snap. I mean really, if it bothers you that much you should be dealing with him not asking for advice. I freaked out first and then asked my friend for advice. They'll agree with whatever you do but seriously, if you straight up tell him it's not acceptable and that you don't give a rats behind what other girls feel like this is what you feel like then he should take your feelings into account and stop being in contact with her.
Since the others have made it painfully obvious that you made a bad decision in marrying your H so early, I'll cut straight to the point.
The way I see it, you have two choices:
1) Suck it up and realize that no matter what you do, you can't change him. If he wants to talk to his ex or see his ex, he'll do it. He's already made it clear that he doesn't care how you feel about it. You can suggest marriage counseling but it's up to him to decide whether to go. If you "force" him to go on an ultimatum (which may or may not work), it won't work because he probably didn't want to go in the first place.
2) File for divorce.
I think the main problem here is that one month is not enough time to fall in love with someone. At least, not enough love to feel like the relationship is worth fighting for. A marriage should always be worth fighting for but if he's still attached to his ex, you may be the only one fighting for it.