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Bad night
Last night was date night for L and I, but it didn't go the way I had planned 
We somehow got on the topic of how many sexual partners we've had. I knew his number already and I thought I had told him mine, but it turns out I hadn't. I spilled the beans about my "number" and while he joked about it, it seemed to bother him a little. My number is over 3 times his number (granted, his number fits on one hand). I told him that I went a little crazy after my divorce...not something I'm proud of, but it's what I wanted at the time. He said it brought up flashbacks of what happened with his ex wife (she cheated on him) and he couldn't go through that again. I said I totally understood, and would never ever cheat on him, since I've been through that myself and know what it feels like. We trust each other, and are on the same page now. I just wish I hadn't brought it up.
This whole discussion took place when he came over my house, got ready, and went to dinner and a movie. However, when we got to the restaurant I started coming down with a headache and thought it would just go away once I had food in my stomach. Nope, it got worse, way worse. Once we were at the movie (which was in 3D and wasn't helping at all), I started feeling sick and told him we had to leave. Then ran to the bathroom and threw up. It was awful!! L got me home and put me to bed, but luckily I felt ok this morning. I'm not sure what caused it, but L is joking that it was from my blood pressure skyrocketing from being worried what he thought.
Anyone else regret telling their SO their "number"?
Re: Bad night
I understand spilling your number and then regretting it (especially if your numbers are different) but honestly, that isn't something that's necessary to tell. So long as you both are safe and/or have been tested, that's all you need to know. My number is higher than I'd like it to be and therefore I wouldn't want someone judging me based on that information.
I think it is also a little strange that L equated that with his cheating ex. The fact that you had some carefree days has nothing to do with your ability to be faithful. And, obviously, you have been cheated on before and full well know the pain of that, and wouldn't put someone you love through that.
I would probably sit him down and say you regret telling him and ask him if you can just move forward from that discussion. Hopefully he won't hold onto those judgements.
Aww, I am sorry it was a bad night for you. Next time will be better.
I don't regret telling Mr. kyk my "number" but my "number" can fit on one hand. Mr. Kyk has never told me his "number" but I am okay with that (I DO know that he was safe and is STD-free) but from what I gather it is similar to mine.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
We're kind of going out.
Ditto this.
I have slept with 3x the people H has (he also has a pretty low number). He has also been cheated on by a few of those girls.
Somehow he didn't automatically conclude that multiple sex partners = cheating.
I would be worried that that is immediately where his mind jumped.
This is why, for me, asking about "numbers" is a don't ask/don't tell policy. I don't have a high number IMO, but I'd just rather not share. FF and I haven't talked about it, nor do I really care to. I could care less how many women he's been with -- the past is the past for a reason.
Hopefully L is able to look past your "wild" time and believe you when you say you'd never cheat on him.
Sorry it was a rough night!
I just don't see the point of the number conversation. What good would actually ever come of it? Especially if you're already seriously dating, etc. Why even bother to get a person's mind racing or bring on judgement?
I'm still waiting for someone to give me a legit reason that this needs to be discussed.
This... I would actually be a little pissed about the judginess behind it...
sleeping with a lot of people = cheater? Oh hell no!
I know he's been cheated on, but so have you and for you to pander to him, trying to reassure him is BS. Now if you had talked about whether either of you have ever cheated and you said yes, then that's a valid concern.
Honestly, he might not be comfortable with your number, but that's the past and I would expect an apology from him for his jumping to the cheater thought.
I'm with you.
Thanks AChase. I agree it was unneccessary to tell him.
I'm glad he felt comfortable enough to tell me his immediate fears. His XW had "been around" before they were together...not that I have "been around" but it caused his insecurities to flare up. He says he trusts me and it's not causing him to rethink anything with our relationship. I'm just not going to bring it up again.
Agreed. I wouldn't have discussed it. The fact that he judged you poorly isn't good.
My number is low, but I really don't ask. My sister was... ummm... sexually liberal? Always safe though, and now she is in a serious relationship and has been for 3 years.
A number is a number, it is more about how a person acts within a relationship that is importnant. Not how they act while single.
I'm not sure of BF's exact number. He knows mine, but that's because mine is very low and I have some confidence issues and also a few issues relating to how I was treated sexually in the past (by ex and an old boyfriend). So I told him it was something I wanted him to be aware of so he could hopefully understand how I work. Ha!
I don't feel a pull to know his number. I know it's more than mine, but so? He's with me now. I don't think he's going to cheat because he's been with more people than me. If anything, you'd think it would be the other way around. The one with less "notches" on their belt could perhaps find some wild oats to sow.
His reaction is weird. And unnecessary. I would actually question this further, if I were you.
I agree with achase ... how is a higher number = to cheating? I don't get the correllation. I was cheated on, and my number was higher than my ex-h's.
With bf, I don't know his exact number and he does not know mine. We are old enough that we know the other has a sexual past, so we got std tests early and they were clean and we left the discussion at that.
I think I prefer it that way.
Sorry you barfed ... worst feeling int he world!
That is a great point.
I was thinking about the "rule of three" when I read this post. Because really, how do you know if they're telling the truth. I had a guy tell me what his number was and it seemed REALLY high and I was thinking "yah right!"
Agreed on the first statement.
Just curious, what would you suggest I ask him? I don't want to beat a dead horse like I tend to do...
Honestly, I think I'd lead into it with..."I don't want to rehash a sore subject, but I think this is very important to the health of our relationship so I'd like to talk about your reaction to finding out how many sexual partners I've had and how that makes you feel."
Give him the chance to either own up to being upset by it...and if that were the case, I'd be borrowing one of Melinda's red flags...or clarify his reaction. Hopefully he was just kind of taken aback by it, you know. Like, maybe he didn't expect it. Who knows.
But I'd for sure revisit the subject just for peace of mind. I don't think this is something that just goes away, if it truly was something that bothered him.
Hi Haines,
I ditto this as well. I just don?t that I would respect a man that equates cheating to number of partners. It also bothers me that you stated ?His XW had "been around" before they were together? which implies that he has articulated in not so many words that she was a *whore* I don?t know being a feminist and all, this does not sit well with me. I ditto all the PP that the way he judged you poorly is not a good sign. Sorry you had a rough night though.
I agree with everything VaaaJeana has posted here. Your number is really not important and certainly isn't a predictor of infidelity. His reaction is possibly a symptom of some residual trust issues he has because of what happened with his ex. You can't work through those for him, but he needs to acknowledge why he reacted the way he did and he does need to work through them. This is kind of a "time will tell" issue but I wouldn't sweep it under the rug; he needs to be honest with himself re. why he reacted that way and he needs figure out how it might affect your relationship going forward.
H doesn't even know my number (I don't believe in having the "numbers" discussion), but he knows I have a past. His XW cheated on him and has never insinuated my sexual past meant anything about my future.
It seems he hasn't completely moved on yet from what happened with his ex.
Lurker stepping in. I took her story differently than most of you. I don't ses his reaction as a red flag, I see it as him being open and honest about how he felt. (Which is a big green flag in my book) He made himself sound vulnerable.
I can see how it scared him, Haines showed a similarity to his XW, who I am sure after she cheated he tried to see if he had signs in hindsight. This was likely to him one of the so called signs he thought. It didn't mean he thought Haines WILL cheat, just that it scared him.
I think the biggest red flag for me is that you felt the need to explain and that you didn't feel like you should stand up for yourself. If this were me, there would have been no reassuring. It would have been a simple "I certainly hope you are not implying that because I've had a higher number of sex partners for whatever reason, that this in any way makes me more likely to cheat or in anyway morally below you."
Expressing his feelings is saying something like "I feel really intimated knowing your number" or something that reflected his feelings. However, he in turn projected his feeling onto you in a way that made you defense and made you feel bad. That's not cool and not a good sign for how he deals with conflict. Also he put you in the same category as his XW which is not good.
I realize on the surface this seems like a no biggie, but it really is a reflection of quite a bit about how he handles situations imo.
All of this times 10!
agree 100%. your boyfriend sounds like an insecure douche, and I find it strange that anyone over the age of 18 would think sharing "numbers" is a good idea. sorry about that.
Trust me, L is far from a douche.
I didn't feel the need to explain myself or apologize for it...I said what's in the past is in the past. While I'm not proud of some things I've done, I don't regret them either.
I had a previously scheduled appt with my therapist last night and I discussed this with her. She said I was dumb for bringing up "numbers" and that I should know better. I own up to that mistake. But she said L's reaction was normal and reassuring him that I would never cheat on him is an appropriate response.