Bad night

VaaaJeana

hainesherway:

gioia di vivere:

pdx18:

I think the biggest red flag for me is that you felt the need to explain and that you didn't feel like you should stand up for yourself. If this were me, there would have been no reassuring. It would have been a simple "I certainly hope you are not implying that because I've had a higher number of sex partners for whatever reason, that this in any way makes me more likely to cheat or in anyway morally below you."

Expressing his feelings is saying something like "I feel really intimated knowing your number" or something that reflected his feelings. However, he in turn projected his feeling onto you in a way that made you defense and made you feel bad. That's not cool and not a good sign for how he deals with conflict. Also he put you in the same category as his XW which is not good. 

I realize on the surface this seems like a no biggie, but it really is a reflection of quite a bit about how he handles situations imo. 

agree 100%. your boyfriend sounds like an insecure douche, and I find it strange that anyone over the age of 18 would think sharing "numbers" is a good idea. sorry about that.  

Trust me, L is far from a douche.

I didn't feel the need to explain myself or apologize for it...I said what's in the past is in the past.  While I'm not proud of some things I've done, I don't regret them either. 

I had a previously scheduled appt with my therapist last night and I discussed this with her.  She said I was dumb for bringing up "numbers" and that I should know better.  I own up to that mistake.  But she said L's reaction was normal and reassuring him that I would never cheat on him is an appropriate response. 

I know I"m not a therapist, but I really really REALLY disagree that it is normal to automatically link sexual promiscuity (and really...you may not have been promiscuous...he just viewed it that way for whatever reason) to cheating.

Not normal.

Hopefully he's in therapy as well to deal with his issues because this isn't good.

hainesherway

VaaaJeana:

hainesherway:

gioia di vivere:

pdx18:

I think the biggest red flag for me is that you felt the need to explain and that you didn't feel like you should stand up for yourself. If this were me, there would have been no reassuring. It would have been a simple "I certainly hope you are not implying that because I've had a higher number of sex partners for whatever reason, that this in any way makes me more likely to cheat or in anyway morally below you."

Expressing his feelings is saying something like "I feel really intimated knowing your number" or something that reflected his feelings. However, he in turn projected his feeling onto you in a way that made you defense and made you feel bad. That's not cool and not a good sign for how he deals with conflict. Also he put you in the same category as his XW which is not good. 

I realize on the surface this seems like a no biggie, but it really is a reflection of quite a bit about how he handles situations imo. 

agree 100%. your boyfriend sounds like an insecure douche, and I find it strange that anyone over the age of 18 would think sharing "numbers" is a good idea. sorry about that.  

Trust me, L is far from a douche.

I didn't feel the need to explain myself or apologize for it...I said what's in the past is in the past.  While I'm not proud of some things I've done, I don't regret them either. 

I had a previously scheduled appt with my therapist last night and I discussed this with her.  She said I was dumb for bringing up "numbers" and that I should know better.  I own up to that mistake.  But she said L's reaction was normal and reassuring him that I would never cheat on him is an appropriate response. 

I know I"m not a therapist, but I really really REALLY disagree that it is normal to automatically link sexual promiscuity (and really...you may not have been promiscuous...he just viewed it that way for whatever reason) to cheating.

Not normal.

Hopefully he's in therapy as well to deal with his issues because this isn't good.

Just that it was "normal" for him to have a flashback to his ex-wife's behavior.  She's been a therapist for 28 years, so I'm going with her advice.

VaaaJeana

Good luck with that.  I don't want to sound snarky but this seriously just doesn't seem like a good thing at all.

hainesherway

VaaaJeana:

Good luck with that.  I don't want to sound snarky but this seriously just doesn't seem like a good thing at all.

We've talked about the issue, and we're both doing our parts to leave the past in the past and make this relationship as good as it can possibly be moving forward. 

gioia di vivere

Haines picked another winner and will defend him for the next few months until she comes here with some dramatic story of how EVERYONE WAS SO RIGHT.

 

Then it will start all over again.

 

You're so in luuurve and he's such a catch. It doesn't matter if he ignores custody agreements regarding the well-being of his child, has his gf sleep over with his very young daughter after a couple of months, accuses you of potentially cheating on him in the future because of who you slept with before you ever met him, and pits you against his XW by badmouthing her sexual history and telling you when she is giving you "dirty" looks.

 

hainesherway

gioia di vivere:

Haines picked another winner and will defend him for the next few months until she comes here with some dramatic story of how EVERYONE WAS SO RIGHT.

Then it will start all over again.

You're so in luuurve and he's such a catch. It doesn't matter if he ignores custody agreements regarding the well-being of his child, has his gf sleep over with his very young daughter after a couple of months, accuses you of potentially cheating on him in the future because of who you slept with before you ever met him, and pits you against his XW by badmouthing her sexual history and telling you when she is giving you "dirty" looks.

Since you keep track of everything I post, let me get something straight.  L did not ignore his custody agreement.  They had originally discussed a no-sleepovers clause, but it did not make it into the final divorce decree. 

You're over-dramatizing everything.  He did not "accuse" me of anything.  He had a reaction based on a flashback.  The same thing has happened to me and many people on this board before- it doesn't mean they are a bad person.