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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Spanking your children?
The ad for beating your wife made me think of this.
What are your opinions on spanking your children? Even if you don't have children yet, what are your opinions on spanking?
I do not believe in full on beating your child, but I do think spanking works for SOME kids.
Re: Spanking your children?
We were both spanked too. It was always used as a last resort with us too.
I don't have kids. I am anti spanking in general for a lot of reasons, some emotional and some research based. Granted, this is for me and my kids, not trying to tell anyone how to rear their children.
Eta: I was spanked.
I changed my name
Depends on the definition of spanking here, and why you're doing it. A swat on the hand or a diapered rump to get a kid to stop playing with electrical outlets is one thing. Pants down, hand or paddle on a bare @ss is different. I'm fine with the first (and use it). The second I'm not OK with.
I save my swats for big stuff- like the aformentioned outlets, or trying to run into traffic, etc. Really all it does is get his attention anyway - it's not a "discipline" thing. We use time-outs for discipline.
While I'm not a parent yet, I think this is probably a really good point that you made. I do think it works for some kids, but not all so I really have no idea if I will spank my kids.
I don't foresee us spanking. Joe wasn't. My parents were flat out abusive and I've had a lot of counseling so I can be the one to break that cycle. A kid running into traffic will likely feel a sharp arm yank or something, but at that point, I'm guessing my kid will be so terrified by my reaction they won't "need" a spanking.
I think there are far more effective methods for disciplining a child that don't demean them or cause trust issues.
My base has the highest domestic violence and child neglect rates in the whole Air Force, so clearly there are people justifying physical violence and minimizing the truth of what they're doing.
I was spanked. H's dad slapped him across the face once when he called his mom a b@tch, but he was in high school when that happened. He was never spanked as a young child.
I can't foresee spanking DS. He's so small and has no idea what he's doing. I know that will change as he gets older, but I'm really trying to use more effective discipline methods. Even now, he's just started getting into things and I'm trying to teach him the difference between things he's allowed to play with and things that are off-limits without yelling "No!" or scaring him. I explain that (insert object here) is not a toy and we can't play with it, then I distract him with something else. I know he doesn't understand the words yet, but I'm hoping the concept will sink in.
I would much rather get down on his level and explain things in a way he'll understand than resort to physical violence. I just don't think it solves anything.
I never say never but it just hasn't proven to be a reliable method (looking at my siblings & friends with older children). Research backs that up. We are big into positive discipline and with DD at least it has been a great tool
ITA. Though I fully think that not every child needs spanking (and on the flip, I think some kids absolutely need a swat on the arse).
H and I were both spanked. Mind was never with anything and I had clothes on. H did get hit with belts, spoons, brushes, etc. which I completely do not agree with.
DH and I really need to nail this one down. We both will use it as a last resort however, he thinks that children shouldn't be spanked with your hand (using a paddle or something) because hands are for love (I don't know I think something from the bible that he got from the way his parents raised him).
I think it is more "mean" to spank with a paddle or something than your hand.
As long as I can translate NILIF to kids, we will be A-okay.
That's really strange. There's a reason people use instruments like that rather than their hands - you can get more power behind them and they hurt more. Ouch.
That is how I feel about it. His parents got it from some bible verse about how hands should only be for showing love or something. I'm telling you right now, I will never spank my child with a paddle or belt. If DH is comfortable with using his hand then we won't be spanking.
Oh I totally agree. H's cousin (we're all the same age) used to get "spanked" with a belt that they called "Big Blaine," and the poor kid was terrified at just the mention of it.
I was spanked, although rarely and always with a hand over my clothes. H was spanked as a child as well.
Never, ever would I humiliate my child by having them pull their pants down and spanking them. I also would never use an object to spank.
I think that I would use it as a very last resort, similar to how my parents did..my brother and I always knew that if it got to the point where Mom or Dad said "I'm about ready to spank you!" that we better cut that sh!t out real quick.
I've worked as a nanny for years, and I am really shocked that a couple of my families would openly tell me that they had to "bring out the belt" the night before on one of the kids. There's also been many occasions where the child would be spanked in front of me. I have never gotten used to it and I am amazed that these parents aren't worried I don't report them or something. It's very bizarre, and I've never seen any abuse or any neglect as a nanny (I've had to report it several times in a different job though), like someone said, I don't think I should be interfering with how some parents discipline their kids. I just wish they wouldn't spank in front of me.
Our dogs all recognize our hands on our hips as their final warning to knock off whatever they're doing. If we make angry eyes in conjunction with hands on hips, it's normally enough to stop them dead in their tracks and their booties hit the floor.
I was spanked and from what I've been told and remember, I deserved it and it was effective. That said, spanking (clothes/diaper on with hand) could be an option, but it is a last resort that I hope to not need. Never say never. I do think that spanking might have unintended consequences with my LO--he seems pretty sensitive. If I raise my voice or speak to him sharply, he often gets upset and cries. I am trying to determine if he is using this reaction to manipulate the situation or if it is a genuine response. I'm thinking it's usually genuine, but he is a smart booger and may use it to his advantage.
I was FIRMLY anti-spanking - never spanked as a child and I have done all my research - until I birthed a runner.
The ONLY form of punishment that has eve been effective in keeping Monkey from running away from us, particularly with going into the busy streets, was a firm swat on her diapered (and only once since she has been potty trained) hiney-butt.
We tried timeouts. We tried leaving the location. We used the leashes. We kept her locked in her stroller, thus making those around us bothered by the tantrum. We even took her security blanket away, something I ALSO swore I would never do.
She would still run the minute she had the opportunity. And she would have that maniacal Calvin expression on her face as she laughed her way away from us.
But after three firm swats, she has learned her lesson. While she may run (becuase she is still only 3 and ruled by self-gratification), she will IMMEDIATELY return when we warn of a spanking.
And that is the ONLY thing we use spankings for. But if we did not hae it in our arsenal, we would have had a really crapoy time here in Europe.
Marni, Jack does the same thing! When I yell at him he covers his ears and starts crying and tells me I scared him. ugh, it breaks my heart. He is an amazingly good kid and so loving. So I'm positive it's genuine. I hate it but I don't know what else to do. If he doesn't respond to correction or direction in my normal tone of voice, I get frustrated and raise it. And then he gets scared and tells me he's scared of me.
We spank in our household, but only for things that can be dangerous, and its not often.
Example, running away in the store, trying to touch the stove (the top stays hot), not holding hands on a sidewalk/parking lots.
It has only taken once or two for them to get the message.
I thought about this last night and you know, for most bible verses, there's something elsewhere in the bible that can be used to argue it. The bible teaches unconditional love, Jesus was not participating in the stoning of prostitutes. If hands are for loving, it should be at all times, not with the clause, "Except when I'm holding a belt." Kids don't separate their mom and dad's hands from the rest of the body.
It's like saying only my right hand is abusive. I never hit him with my left, so it's not as hurtful!
Research/recommended reading:
Spanking Can Make Children More Aggressive Later
http://tulane.edu/news/releases/pr_03122010.cfm
Spanking Kids Increases Risk of Sexual Problems
http://www.unh.edu/news/cj_nr/2008/feb/lw28spanking.cfm
Use of Spanking for 3-Year-Old Children and Associated Intimate Partner Aggression or Violence
http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/content/abstract/126/3/415
Spanking Children Can Lower IQ
http://www.unh.edu/news/cj_nr/2009/sept/lw25straus.cfm
Plain Talk About Spanking
by Jordan Riak
http://www.nospank.net/pt2010.pdf
The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children
by Tom Johnson
http://nospank.net/sdsc2.pdf
"Spanking" can be intentional or unintentional sexual abuse
http://www.nospank.net/101.htm
Just a handful of those helping to raise awareness of why child/adolescent/teenage-only "spanking" isn't a good idea:
American Academy of Pediatrics,
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry,
American Psychological Association,
Center For Effective Discipline,
Churches' Network For Non-Violence,
United Methodist Church
Nobel Peace Prize recipient Archbishop Desmond Tutu,
Parenting In Jesus' Footsteps,
Global Initiative To End All Corporal Punishment of Children,
United Nations Committee on the Rights of the Child.
In 31 nations, child corporal punishment is prohibited by law (with more in process). In fact, the US was the only UN member that did not ratify the Convention on the Rights of the Child. The US also has the highest incarceration rate in the world.
The US states with the highest crime rates, poorest academic performance, highest obesity rates and health problems, poorest economic ranking, and largest public welfare burdens are also the ones with the highest rates of child corporal punishment.
Of all the things prison inmates lacked in their upbringing, "spanking" certainly wasn't one of them.
There is simply no evidence to suggest that child/adolescent/teenage-only "spanking" instills virtue.
In light of Judge Adams video,
We often hear from those who fight to uphold this practice for those under the age of 18 (even to the blaming of the social maladies of the day on a supposed "lack" of it), but we rarely, if ever, find advocates for the return of corporal punishment to the general adult community, college campuses, inmate population, or military. Why is that?
Ask ten unyielding proponents of child/adolescent/teenage-only "spanking" about the "right" way to do it, and what would be abusive, indecent, or obscene, and you will get ten different answers.
These proponents should consider making their own video-recording of the "right way" to do it.
Visit Unlimited Justice or Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education to learn more.