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Married 7 months and divorce is on the table...just looking for support
Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum and I'm hoping to find some support from people in similar situations. I got married this past May after dating my husband for 7 years. I knew before we even got married that he had an unusual relationship with his mother (to say the least), but I knew that we'd be moving out of state right after the wedding, and like an idiot I thought that distance would make her back off. To give an idea of their "relationship": at our engagement dinner with our family and friends (which was at my parents' house), my husband's mother started giving him a sensual (there's no other word to describe it) backrub right at the dinner table, to the point that my now husband actually took off his shirt right at the table. His mother still cuts his toenails when he comes home to visit, and has made many comments over the past 5 years or so about how we should split up, and since getting married, how we're "not really married" and "should get divorced so he can move back in with her." Finally, about 3 months ago, she made the comment that was the last straw for me; she stated that the government should legalize prostitution because then I could get a job. Keep in mind that no matter what she says, my husband either ignores her entirely or tells me that she was "joking." After turning the other cheek for years thinking she'd grow out of it, I finally told her (respectfully) that her comment was unappreciated. She proceeded to run outside and scream to the neighborhood that I was an ungrateful ***, at which point my husband ran to her and told her that he was going to yell at me for upsetting her. That's when I lost all respect for him.
Not to make this sound like it's all about my mother-in-law, it's more about part of my husband that makes him allow her to act like that. In addition, my husband and I have nothing in common (which I also knew before marriage, and like an idiot thought wouldn't matter in exchange for security, since he's a workaholic). I recently graduated from college with a bachelor's in Biochemistry, and I'm looking to go to grad school. I'm a big reader, and I love having discussions. My husband either ignores me when I try to talk to him, changes the subject, or tells me that I think too much. He continually belittles me and insults me "as a joke"; no matter what I do, he has some derogatory comment to make about it. It's gotten to the point that I'm relieved when he goes to bed just so I don't have to sit in awkward silence anymore.
I'm sorry for the really really long message. I guess I'm just looking for support from people in similar situations, namely that I'm not crazy for thinking of divorce after 7 months and that it is possible to get through this. It's hard to break a habit of 7 years, even knowing that there's nothing good there anymore. My family is no help whatsoever; my mother is currently in her 4th marriage and tells me to stay so people don't talk about me getting divorced like they do her, and my father/stepmother are completely self-absorbed and basically told me a month ago that since I didn't leave yet, they don't want to hear about it. That's in between the I-told-you-so's that I get constantly from them. As I said, I moved to another state right after the wedding where I don't know anybody, and my old friends stopped talking to me after getting married. I'm feeling really isolated and alone here, and it'd be great to know there's other people out there going through similar situations. Thanks again for any feedback, and if you managed to read this whole thing, I wish I could send you a cookie lol.
Re: Married 7 months and divorce is on the table...just looking for support
You married the wrong guy for the wrong reasons hoping that he would change into a completely different person when the ring went on his finger. How did that work out for you?
We don't have any magic incantations that can 1.) change the incredibly creepy relationship your husband has with his mother, 2.) make him into a nice person and an interesting conversationalist or 3.) take away the stigma of divorce.
So, my advice is to apply for grad school, get a divorce and move to another state for said grad school all the while getting some personal therapy to figure out why in the world you thought your husband was even remotely marriage material. I mean good heavens he took his shirt off at the table when other people were present to receive a massage from his mother. EEEEEEWWWWW!!!!!
Oh, and get rid of all of your friends who didn't kidnap you and haul you away in a burlap bag to keep you from marrying this idiot.
You are in no way crazy for wanting to get a divorce after 7 months of marriage. But you might be crazy for marrying him in the first place.
Get out of this relationshop NOW. His relationship with his mother is the icing on the completely inappropriate cake that is your marriage. You have nothing in common with him and admit to settling because he works so much that you feel secure with him. At least you're honest, but it's still a really bad reason to get married.
Get divorced, move away, start grad school and live secure in the knowledge that you got out of this while you were still young.
One more thing - as harsh as it sounds, I'm betting your father and step-mother aren't really self-absorbed. They're probably just so sick of hearing about a bad relationship that you acknowledge but refuse to end that they don't want to have to listen to the same complaints over again. Probably the same with your friends. You did say you knew all of these things before you got married to him. It's frustrating to watch someone you care about run willingly in to a bad life choice. I personally don't blame them.
I only made it through half your post, so this is the only part of her post I can honestly say I agree with, but whatever else she said is probably right too.
Ditto the PPs.
I don't think I could marry or stay married to a man I didn't respect.
I spent a lot of this post trying to understand how you were together for seven years and this stuff is only now becoming a problem. Then I read you just graduated college.
Yeah - let this guy go! There's no shame is looking at a marriage and admitting the truth - that it isn't working and, with its problems, that it won't ever work for you.
I got my PhD in biological chemistry last year. Go to grad school! It was one of the best things I ever did.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
this
another fairy magoc dust post.
You knew you shouldnt have married the a$$hole, but you did, now lose him. that simple. You screwed up, now you pay the consequences, it is that simple.
You know what you have to do. Now, DO IT! You are crazy if you STAY.
You are very smart; surely you know you're worth way more than what this guy's giving.
As is often said on this board, you should never marry your prom date.
This relationship is all kinds of screwed up and you know it. Time to dump this guy and his creepy relationship with his mother. And look into some counseling to help you not see guys who are this enmeshed with their mothers as good husband material.
I only made it as far as your H telling your MIL that he would yell at you for upsetting her.
Yes, divorce this mama's boy and get yourself some counseling to explore why you ever thought marrying some one with such an unhealthy relationship with mommy was a good idea. No distance will save your marriage as long as mom's claws are that deep into your husband. Ew.
Agreed. I was 14 when we met and we had a lot in common then (stupid typical kid stuff), so we started dating. Somehow over the years I never managed to get rid of him even when we stopped having anything in common. It just became a habit.
Not to blame it all on my family by any means, but I can honestly say I've never seen what I would call a "normal/healthy" relationship. My mom is currently (unhappyily) married to her fourth husband, my father is married to his third wife, and my father is my stepmother's fourth husband, who she married only because I was getting married (that sounds ridiculous I know, but it's true. She told everyone she was leaving him and had an apartment lined up, then when my wedding was three months away she decided they were engaged and getting married two months after I did. I also lived with the two of them at the time, so basically the last three months of my wedding planning ended up being entirely about her planning their wedding). I've really never seen a happy, healthy relationship, so I'm at the point that I wonder if it even exists. I think that's a big reason why I stayed with him; I just thought that it was normal to have nothing to talk about/no interest in sex, etc, after being with someone for 7 years. So long story short, I agree with your post.
I'm glad you have an action plan for your future. Don't let him guilt you into anything. Sneak out and serve him with divorce papers.
I don't know anything about divorce but you should get a consultation with a divorce lawyer because they'll be able to help you.
And me being the idiot I am, when my stepmother and friends mentioned that they were kind of bothered by the shirt/massage thing, I got mad at them! Should've been a huge warning sign, but I got caught up in the wedding planning fever and just ignored it.
And if I followed your advice I'd have no friends left lol. No one said anything at all about not marrying him until the day before the wedding when he acted like a jerk at the rehearsal dinner, and of course it's kind of difficult to call of the wedding the day before!
Please please PLEASE get a lawyer to help you with the divorce process. He is controlling and manipulative, and there is no way you can expect him to be reasonable and fair to you in the dissolution of your marriage.
Also, keep in mind that he will not kill himself if you leave him. He's just saying that to manipulate you into staying. He 100% does not mean it. He can easily avoid divorce by acting like a decent human being and treating his wife well, he just chooses not to.
Given your family situation, it's understandable that you didn't understand just how unhealthy your relationship has been. But you are gaining awareness now, and that's what's important. It would be a good idea to see a counselor individually (not the one who has been providing marriage counseling) to get some guidance on how to go about actually leaving him and unpacking your childhood to help you avoid unhealthy relationships in the future. It sounds like you've got a lot going for you, and you can definitely move forward and create a happy life for yourself.
There is no need to "convince" him of anything. There is also no need to make him realize its going to happen either. Also if he doesn't sign the divorce will still go on. Get a hold of a lawyer.
Hey, hey, hey!
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
THIS.
Your husband is so self-absorbed that he wouldn't dream of hurting himself.
If he sends you texts or calls you telling you that he is going to hurt himself, ask him where he is. Then tell him that his issues are too serious for you to handle as a non-mental health professional so you are going to call 911 for him so that the police can stop him from hurting himself.
Trust me -- he will stop talking about killing himself when he knows that two burly officers will be showing up at his door.
My high school boyfriend treated me terribly and also threatened to commit suicide every time I tried to break up with him. Apparently, the notion that he could just stop being an a$$hole if he wanted to have a girlfriend never occurred to him. I finally got to the point where I not only didn't care if he killed himself, but actually felt it would be best for all of humanity if he did. I called his bluff, broke up with him, and told his mom that he had expressed thoughts of suicide to me. She made him see a therapist every week for months and months after that (which he definitely needed, even though he wasn't suicidal). That was in 1997. He's still very much alive.
After that experience, I told myself I would never ever let anyone else treat me like that ever again. And I haven't, and life is good.
My ex's family called me because he was threatening suicide. My cold-hearted self asked them what they wanted me to do about it and suggested that they call a therapist.
He lived to be a douche another day.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
This has to be mud...right?
Because why the would you marry someone that still gets his toe nails cut my mommy, and gets sensual massages? I would seriously have run along time ago, and definately questioned their relationship. That is just sick sh!t.
I hope you aren't pregnant with this freak!
Yeah, that would have been a dealbreaker for me. Wow.
do whatever you have to do to leave him. Don't let him threaten or bully you. He is NOT going to kill himself over it, that's something my ex husband used to say, he even once texted me a picture of his feet, he was standing on the edge of an i-5 overpass, and asked me if he should jump. I just ignored it, and guess what? He is still alive and kickin.
This! It is time to get out now and get some counseling to figure out why you would put up with any of this.
You've been with him for the majority of your semi-adult life at this point.
Let him go back to doing his mother, and get your a$$ to therapy and grad school. Live your life, develop your interests and find someone that suits you, your intelligence and your chosen life.
You don't deserve the sick, jealous, Norman-Bates type you married.