Trouble in Paradise
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Married 7 months and divorce is on the table...just looking for support
Omfg girl, you don't convince him of anything! You pack your stuff and go!
Take it from someone who made a really bad choice just like you did. I eventually had to just pack as much as I could carry in two bags, call a cab and leave while he was sleeping. The cab took me to the bus station where I took a bus back home.
I suggest you do the same. Get on a bus, train or plane or go home. Or to school. Or somewhere else.
You had me at "unusual relationship."
Icky is the term that comes to mind.
There is nothing here for you. Wow, your H should be PROUD of you! Biochem is nothing to sneeze at!
YOu may qualify for an annulment. Lawyer up and see what kind of advice you get -- at any rate, he's got to go. To put it plainly and very politely, you and he are not a fit.
If you need money, hock your rings. Sell something made of gold or of value -- a bus ticket is cheap; you should have no problem doing that.
I would file and let him be served and right after I filed, I'd be on that bus, or at the very least at the bus terminal getting the ticket. I don't think there's anything here for you to say to him --- let his sorry ass go and figure it out.
This is a mess. So sorry this happened to you. GL.
Dump this boy back at his mama's trailer park and squeal your tires on the way out.
When he comes home and you are not there, he will get that you are leaving. Particularly when you do not come back. Even if he's really slow, he'll definitely get it by the time he's served with divorce papers.
There are ways to get money. Is there anything in the house you can pawn? Your tv isn't as important as your dignity. You'd be amazed at the things that a pawn shop will take. If you call your father with a concrete plan ("Send me $100 and I will leave tomorrow at 9am" ect.) will he send you a Western Union?
Pirates wear an earring to pay for the cost of a proper burial when they are in a distant land. Women wear wedding rings so that they have something to pawn for gas money to get the heck way from men who get rubdowns from the mother.
Obviously I am not academic adviser, but it's my understanding that grad school is particularly important if you are in a science field and don't want to spend the rest of your life as a lab tech. Go! If you don't get into the school you are interviewing for, apply for more. I have an Ichthyology major friend who didn't go to grad school when he could because of a girl (who has since left him) and works at the grocery store now. It's super sad. Go!
Thank you, everyone! I have to say, a lot of your comments made me chuckle. It's really nice to know that I'm not crazy for thinking about leaving, even though he pays the bills. I've been hearing from my family for so long that I should stay because "at least he doesn't cheat and he always goes to work" that I was really thinking that I should just suck it up. I now feel a lot better about leaving.
I've applied for a few jobs (had one interview that I should hear about next week, and have two more interviews set up next week), and I've already received an invite to interview at one of the grad schools I applied to. I'm hoping to start working so I can save up some money for a couple of months, and as soon as I get into grad school (if), I'll get my own place near whichever school it is. I'm feeling really good about that plan now. Thank you all for your support!
Sorry you are in this situation but dont beat yourself up over it. Learn from your patterns of choices and move on.
Can you apply for a Graduate Assistantship position so that you get a small stipend and have no tuition? That way you wont bury yourself in student loans. Maybe you can rent a small studio and live on the stipend? and financial aide for awhile.
Also i agree with PP about the suicide bluff, that is just another form of manipulation. IF you feel he is serious as you leave, call 911 and let the cops decide if he should be committed but not your problem.
Dont feel bad about being married 7 months and leaving, I would rather be married 7 months and leave then be unhappily married for life! GL!
Oh sweetie, you need to run away so fast you leave skid marks. If you stayed in this marriage you would have nothing but a life of misery. Now by deciding to leave you are choosing a much better life for you and any future children if you decide to have any.
Please don't listen to the " At least he doesn't cheat and works" people. They are complete idiots who have a low self worth and dangerously low standards for what it means to be a good man. Do not listen to them at all. Just let whatever they say go in one ear and out the other. Also don't worry about explaining to him why you are leaving. You could tell him why till you are blue in the face and he still wouldn't understand so don't waste your time.
There are several other things you mentioned that are warning signs of someone with an emotionally abusive personality.
1. He diminishes your accomplishments
2. Controlling with money
3. Threatening to hurt himself.
I am going to post a link of warning signs of an abusive personality. I have a feeling he may touch on others. The main thing is that you need to get out of there. Do whatever you can. Again, I wouldn't bother ot explain why you are leaving.
http://abuse101.com/emotionalabuse.html
Again, kudos to you for having the strength, courage and wisdom to choose a better future for yourself.
Go see a lawyer. You are talking about a lot of time to be in a sick marriage. I'd be cleaning windshields for gas money to get out of there asap.
Commit to ZERO contact with him. ZERO. ZERO.
Get a therapist as soon as you are financially able to do so.
Do not get another BF or a pet until you are in therapy for at least a year.
Start apologizing to your friends who put up with your pitiful ass as long as they could stand. After apologizing, ask them about their lives and relationships. Be a friend. If they let you back in to their lives, thank your lucky stars. If they don't, now you know why.
Isn't the nest supposed to have moderators, who can monitor the boards and could "close" comments to old threads once they've been dead for a while? Or is it so dead overall, that it's not worth giving someone the responsibility?
Also, nesties that have been here for a while need to stop peeing on the threads to mark their territory.
New nesties will come....
They will do things that you don't like (like commenting on old threads)....
Get over it