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Money situation with Mom and FI
So, my FI and I are renting from my mom. She is giving us a reasonable price on rent, since she knows we are in a tough financial situation.
Her boyfriend LOVES to go out to dinner and so they frequently invite and pay for us. Extremely nice of them. My FI is always very appreciative.
However, he does not like it when she makes comments when we do spend money. For instance, we got a cheapo car for me (so I could start babysitting again - he has a SUV and so sharing a car and driving him to work so I could babysit for a couple of hours would spend an astronomical amount in gas) and she did not want us to put in the $100 radio. I agreed, he was mad.
How do I make him see that, while she doesn't control us/our lives, we are somewhat......under her control? At least she could raise the rent, kick us out, etc.
I think he logically knows this but feels.....maybe powerless?
TIA.
Re: Money situation with Mom and FI
The fact that you rent from your mom and accept her money to eat out gives her a way in which she feels comfortable commenting on your finances. I do not think this is a healthy relationship at all and side with your husband. I would find some other place to stay and stop discussing your financial situation with your mother.
I am filling in at her company for three weeks and so I asked her if she could loan us a little bit less than the amount of the paychecks and then I would give her the paychecks. Since the car was a cheapo, we had to pay for it in cash and we had just used his tax refund to pay off the credit card (no more CC debt!).
I shouldn't have mentioned it in the first place BUT she was taking me to meet him to pick him up, we bought it from her friend, I am SURE she would have found out. Plus, I thought my FI wouldn't care so much. I think he can plug his phone into the cigarette lighter, maybe that will pacify this situation.
I agree with you, and the last commenter who said that this is why she feels she can say things. I mean, I agree with her, to a point, that she CAN say things. She pretty much has that right.
However, I can see his side. I am actually going to look on CL right now for apartments. It just sucks because we have a dog and two cats (so that excludes a lot of places) but mainly because right now we have a bedroom, a future nursery, a kitchen, a living room, and a dining room (for the animals) for a reasonable price.
For the same price, we could *maybe* get a studio. I kinda think a studio would do MORE harm to the relationship - no privacy, neither one of us could escape the future baby, 2 adults/1 baby/3 animals in one room?
Do you guys think it's worth his financial happiness/independence to get a studio? He brought up doing that last night but was unable to tell how serious he was.
I do NOT want to downplay the importance of his feelings, I just don't think its the right move - a studio. But, I could definitely be wrong. :-)
Oh there is a price being paid here, it's just not in dollars.
I am having a hard time seeing beyond the dollars and the baby but I think I need to.
I will start looking for a place!
At a minimum =-
1- stop talking to her about money outside of rent.
2- when she makes comments, don't comment on them. Don't "agree" or discuss w/ her at all. The comment on the radio... I guess you could say "Thanks for your perspective. We'll consider it.".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
What caused the financial situation where you needed to accept a reduced rent situation with your mother? And what is your plan to change that financial situation and move out on your own?
Frankly, she is financially supporting you and I'd agree with her on spending $100 for an uneeded radio when you can't support yourselves now and have a baby on the way. You do understand that this was a poor financial decision for you, right?
I am on disability and will be staying home with the baby (obviously due to the disability but also because I wasn't done with school and would make the cost of the babysitter).
He works almost F/T but can't really get a second job because it is a flexible schedule.
I agree with her on the radio, he didn't. The baby was unplanned.
I am going to start babysitting but won't make THAT much more than the cost of the car. Will hopefully be able to babysit when he is definitely home with the baby once s/he comes.
Basically, just need to scrimp and save but I can't see it being enough for more than a studio. But, if that's what best, I'm fine with doing that.
If I told her that, she would not have lent us the money for the car. And, if I piss her off, then she will likely raise the rent. So, I can't be rude at all. (Not that you were rude but she would take it that way.)
I actually think there should be some way to compromise here. Can't you stay in the house with the reduced rent but just stop talking to her about other money issues, like ECB suggested?
Then again, if this is making your H feel small (after all he is still being taken care of by his mommy - I wouldn't like it at all), maybe a studio is the way to go.
Right now, she would take the 'nursery' and we wouldn't have one or my mother might raise the rent a little bit and let us take her bedroom (since she is not living there, the SD take our current room, and the baby take the smallest room).
If we moved out, then she would NOT have anywhere to sleep. Another reason against moving out but if that is what is best for HIM, what to do?
Your mom is giving you a financial break, to her financial detriment. She is doing so, presumably, so you have money to live on since you cannot otherwise afford that nice a place without her taking a hit on what she could otherwise get in the open market. Her boyfriend, too, is buying you expensive food that, presumably, you cannot otherwise afford.
And she's annoyed, presumably, because you're spending extra money on things she thinks you don't need, like a second car with a radio in it, rather than carrying your own weight with the rent. As in, if you can afford X, why are you not paying me market value for the use of my property?
You're right. Your mom does get to critique your spending habits since the two of you do get some support from her; and if your fi doesn't like it, he can move and pay his own way somewhere else. You're ok with her remarks, he's not; he can go somewhere else.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
That didn't actually answer either of my questions--you stated what your situation is NOW, but what caused it to be this way and what your plan is to change it?
If you can't answer that second question, I can see why your mom is making comments. If you need to borrow money from her to make purchases beyond your current budget, she is probably thinking that it will become a regular thing when the baby comes--and she probably would like you two to start making better financial desicions *together* before that happens. If you didn't agree with buying the radio, why did borrow money from your mom for it?
It's weird that you're trying to decide what is best for him rather than the both of you as a family.
I also don't understand why you'd choose to live with your mother if you can't have an adult conversation/agreement about living with her. I can see how your husband feels if you are worried about upsetting your mom by expressing your right to privacy.
I've been 'secretly' compromising for a couple of months now. My FI has severe OCD and my mom has NOT been the greatest housekeeper. Therefore, he has replaced things that were dirty. My mom does NOT see that they needed to be replaced so sometimes I told her I had them from my divorce, he had them, they were on clearance, etc.
Yes, it's ridiculous but my mom is very economical and my FI is very OCD.
The more I type, the more I agree that if its best for him to get a studio, then that is what is best for us.
I suppose there are ways to deal with the privacy and baby issues. Still no way to deal with the SD issue. I feel that moving into a studio would *absolutely* send the message of 'we don't want you.'
Agreed. Is your mom reasonable enough that you could sit down and have a rational conversation with her? Say, "Mom, we really appreciate your help, but this is a tough situation and it's taking a toll on us. I know you mean well, but we need you to respect our relationship."
Well, I know he said to move is best for him.
I feel that the financial benefits outweigh the controlling and have been dealing with my mom's economical ways my entire life.
I feel comfortable having an adult conversation with her but she has specifically said that the reduced rent is contingent upon our fiscally responsible decisions.
I can totally see both of their sides but am willing to do what he wants.
Now, the problem is, I told him I was fine with a studio and he agrees we can't afford it but is still not happy about it.
Sorry, I meant that being on disability is a constant financial problem but before I met him, I was living with her rent free. He was living with his mother, practically rent free. I had previously owned with my ex husband, who worked full time, and moved in with her after the divorce. So, paying rent together was what caused not being able to pay rent.
We are planning to look at the budget and find areas to cut.
We did not buy the radio, we borrowed half the money from her for the car, she will simply take these three weeks of paychecks when they come in to replace it.
How are you going to support a child, when you can't support yourselves, or the children you already have?
You do know that just because he got you pregnant, you don't have to marry him, right?
Double edged sword. You take financial gifts from family members and yea, you are sort of responsible to them for your spending habits b.c. it does affect them.
That said, you do not need to be openly discussing every $100 purchase with her. Don't mention it, she can't give an opinion, you don't have to fight over following her opinion.
ETA: all of this is the most colossal shitshow. You have problems with how you speak to one another when you argue, you have problems with your SD, neither one of you can financially support yourselves much less with a child, and you still chose to have a kid? Someone needs to become an adult and find a way to financially support yourselves so that you can support your child. I take back anything I said about SD, she should continue to live with her grandmother and your boyfriend should bust his ass to stay in touch and be a decent father to her.
No wonder your Mom puts her two cents in, you're both making horrible awful decisions and she's trying to help you fix it.
Why is he working "almost" FT? I'd love to know.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I think that he thought that allowing her to live with whom she wanted to and finishing out the school year was what was best for her.
The post office drops to about 35 hours after Christmas. Still a much better paying job than any other one he would be qualified for.
So again, you don't seem to have a plan to improve you financial situation. What are you going to change in order to be able to fully cover the real world costs of a baby? Having to borrow money does not equal a sound financial decision. You do realize that, right? Saving money to buy a car and waiting until you had ALL the money before purchasing would have been the better financial decision.
And I'm curious, what disability do you have that you can't finish school but you can run after and care for multiple kids?