Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Money situation with Mom and FI
But the school year will be over in a few months. And didn't you say upthread that if you move out of your mom's house, his daughter won''t have anywhere to sleep?
We are going to save up. We just started renting from her two months ago and I just started getting disability at the same time. I had medical bills, debt from my marriage, he had debt but now we are trying to move forward.
He is going to talk to her about her wishes for the future this afternoon to find out.
He is beyond logical and saying we can not move out but he is just not happy.
So I will make even more of an effort to not let my mom know what we spend and to, of course, continue to spend less in general.
There is a ton of selfish here and the OP is the only one expressing any inkling that it could, I don't know, affect the already born child.
How does buying a radio that costs you three whole paychecks fit into your plan?
The radio was 100, I didnt want it, FI did.
The car was 3 weeks work.
If the SD wanted to live with us, he would absolutely not move.
He is being logical and saying we cant move now, I just know he is still unhappy but 1. I will work harder on the budget and 2. I will work harder on talking to my mother/not talking to my mother
Oh, thanks for clarifying- the way you worded it was confusing.
I think I'd be more concerned that you and your fiance aren't on the same page about money than I would about your mom being up in your business.
I'm with Kuus on considering adoption. You've got a trainwreck of a situation going on here and a baby is not going to make things better. Babies put a huge strain on your already *iffy* relationship. Babies don't come with a hefty bank account, either. In fact, even if they are healthy, they can sap money from you like there's no tomorrow.
You've already posted that you and your FI only got back together because of the pregnancy. Things were rocky at best and IIRC you were asking how much of his crap was "too much" and if it was time to bail (forget the board and the post title).
Sometimes things just don't work out and that is OK. It really is. Its also OK to give this child of yours a chance at a good life - not one filled with drama like it sounds like your relationship already is.
You guys broke up for a reason and a pregnancy should not make that decision null and void.
Another question for you. You mention that your FI is OCD and is replacing things and whatnot and that you're lying to your mother about it.
How much of this "OCD to replace things" is harming your budget. Granted, I don't know how OCD affects people and I'm sure that this may be a part of it but if he's using it as an excuse to have things the way he wants them then you guys REALLY need to sit down and put a budget together that allots X amount each month for whatever you want. You run out of money, then you're out of money until the next month.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
This still doesn't really explain why you're broke and spent $100 on a totally unnecessary radio. That's $100 that could have been saved up for a deposit on an apartment, supplies for the baby, rainy day fund - any number of useful things.
From the posts I've seen from you, both you and your FI need to grow up. You aren't making good decisions or acting responsibly. You're going to have a baby in a few months and you need to figure out how to provide for that child, as well as the one your FI already has. Who pays for the roof over her head, clothes, food, medical expenses, etc.? How do you plan to change your circumstances? How are you going to make a better life for yourself?
Honestly, the problem with your mom seems pretty small compared to your other issues.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
I'm sorry, but I am having so much trouble believing this is all real. I mean, I believe it's real, but the situation is somewhat unbelievable to me. I've seen a whole lot of train wrecks on this board (including myself, to a certain extent) but this really takes the cake.
I give you credit for seeking advice though.
My advice. Drop the fianc?. You guys had problems and are only together for the baby. You see he's not exactly father of the year with the child he already has, and you guys don't communicate well. If you want to keep your child (and I think you should consider adoption) I think you'll be better off if you only have to worry about the financial care of the two of you, and not the mental and financial well-being of him and his daughter as well.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
He likes things a certain way and I don't call him on it.
For the win!
well, i can see why your mother was against the radio purchase if she helped finance the car. and i don't understand why your DH cared whether or not there was a radio in the car at all, since you've said that he drives another car and this one is for you.
there are a lot of things wrong with your situation, but i think that a start would be to post your budget on the MM board. the ladies over there are great, and they'll help you trim down your budget as much as possible. then maybe you could figure out what the next step needs to be.
I know you said this was an accidental pregnancy, but come on. You guys can't even support yourselves and are living in your mother's house with reduced rent. How on earth are you going to support a baby? They cost money, and generally lots of it.
I have to side with your mom on this whole thing. She explicitly told you she'd give you cheap rent if you were fiscally responsible. If I were her, I'd be pissed too if you/your FI ran out and dropped $100 on a stupid radio - especially after she fronted you half the payment for another car, and I think she has every right to be annoyed. I think that since you two can't seem to take care of yourselves (two people with a child on the way - and his already teenaged daughter - should be able to afford a studio apartment), she's probably pretty exasperated that now there will be a third mouth for her to feed. If I were in her position, I'd probably be up in your business too, every time some new item came into the house. The fact you're lying to her about where the new items are coming from, well, that speaks volumes about you.
And I'd like to know what you're collecting disability for as well, if your plan is to babysit and chase kids around. If you can do that (and I've done it, I did daycare for years, so I know how much work it is), why can't you get a job, even part time, to bring more money in?
I think it's kind of funny your FI thinks he has any right to get mad if she's questioning things you buy when he's living under her roof, has impregnated her daughter and can't afford anything, and can't even pay for the three (or four, if your SD moves in) of you to live in a studio apartment, and is basically leeching off her. If he wants to keep replacing her things and buying car stereos, tell him to get out there and get another job. Work a late shift at McDonald's or Walmart or something. I kind of think your mom is a saint for even putting up with all this. You both need to grow up and find a way to support yourselves, because in a few months, you'll have someone else to take care of, and your mother cannot do it for the rest of your lives.
You need to come back and answer and really meaty questions being asked here.
What kind of disability are you on? I find it really hard to believe you can't sit at a desk-type job, but you can babysit. I'm more exhausted after babysitting my own kids in my own house for a few hours than I am after a full time day at the office.
You need to sit down with your FI and have a really honest talk. NOT about what's best for him, but what's best for the baby. I can assure you that people living who can't afford a $100 radio perhaps should not be attempting to move out of a reduced rent w/ furnishings type deal. In my opinion, your FI should be bending over saying "please sir may I have another" rather than griping about her input into your financial decisions. It's not her fault that two adults combined cannot afford a place to live or the child they're expecting. I do think that she gets to have a say in your financial decisions until you're in a better place where she's not supporting you, and I think it'd be a really boneheaded move to leave her house just to avoid having her in your business. The fact is, she's doing you a huge favor, and maybe he should actually LISTEN to her advice, instead of sulking and doing what he wants anyway. It's like if I give my sister a loan to pay her rent, and I see her carrying around a Louis Vuitton, I'm thinking maybe I don't need to give her money for rent, you know? It's one thing to give someone money because you think they need it, but quite another to give them money because they blow their money on dumb things.
Right now, it's not about you, it's not about him, it's about that baby. And the best thing for you to do is to accept the help you're lucky to have, make the fiscally responsible decisions your mom expects and better your situation so that maybe when the baby arrives (or shortly afterwards), you'll be on your feet enough to start paying your own way.
If it's really bothering you, I think you could certainly approach your mom and ask her to try to cut back on the comments, or make them to you. It's worth a try. But, I'm wondering if your mom thinks your FI is a loser and is almost hoping he does get sick of it and takes off.
Oh well, shiz. I didn't know all this back story.
In summary:
You are in a shittay relationship with a man who is already a questionable father to the child he currently has. You are on disability for some unknown reason and the father of your unborn child (with whom you split before knowing you were pregnant) doesn't have a full time job or even two part time jobs. You borrow money to buy a junker and then spend $100 to put a radio into it. Gosh, your decision making skills are really really sharp.
My advice:
Break up with the FI. Put the baby up for adoption. Finish school and get a real job.
Oh and grow the eff up.
I'm here for the pile-on!
OP, your life is a trainwreck. Who gives a shiit that this loser you're engaged to doesn't like your mom commenting on his spending habits? Boo hoo. Tell him to suck it up. Tell him he might learn something about responsible spending. He's not in a position to complain...he's getting a handout from this woman.
Frankly, I'd let him move into the studio. Alone. Have him pay child support and continue to go to school so you can make a life for yourself. I'd also like to know what disability keeps you out of the workforce but allows you to look after other people's kids.
I'm also aghast that this dude's poor wittle feelings take priority over a comfortable (though admittedly less than ideal) living situation for you and a baby. Your first priority is the child, not some BS OCD that somehow excuses his poor financial decisions.
You need to get a grip on your life and cut bait on this guy.
All of this, especially the bolded.
OP, with your lack of response to the questions here, I'm going to have to agree with this.
Oh yeah, and let me guess--you're going for the babysitting gig versus a "real" job because you don't want to lose your disability payments or pay taxes on the income--right?
I agree...if she's just making comments over little thing you're spending your money on, I'd just stop telling her those things. At the same time, I kinda feel like she's looking out for you. She knows you're in a bad financial situation, could you really have afforded that radio instead of groceries, or loans, or some other financial need that could get you out of your situation quicker?
I agree. I mean, I love a radio but it has a radio with a cassette desk. Good enough for me.
I'm not sure if his anger was actually about the *radio* or if it was about being controlled. Which I can understand. But, I don't understand why he doesn't see that she pretty much does have that control.
But, I am going to make even more of an effort to not discuss extraneous financial stuff with her.
I applied at McDonald's and Papa Gino's last night. I can pay taxes.
I was going for the babysitting gig because its easier on my medical problems.
I can not work enough, due to the medical stuff, that it would stop the disability payments anyway.
Sometimes babysitting is sitting, standing, bending over, carrying a child. It is different activities with the children.
McDonald's is always standing, always one or two activities - that's harder for me to do but I will do it.